Love /
I'm a black African man and can't cope with my Polish mother in law [34]
Hi Negra,
I have been married to a Polish man for 9 years and I have had a few issues with my MIL. But looking back I realized that most of them were just me trying to butt heads with her culture. The role of the Polish Babcia is very defined and it is instilled in them from an early age. I could not understand the soup thing for a very long time, but now I see it's value. First of all it is a great way to get veggies into a kid. But second and most importantly is it part of the culture and I live here as a non native and since it is not one that harms anyone I decided to stop resisting it a long time ago.
As for doing daily shopping...well again falls under culture. The older/middle age generations grew up like this and they are rather grossed out by supermarkets...and again age and time has taught me that fresh is best. If she wants to go do the shopping why would you want to stop her? I have two kids and take all the help I can get. My father in law goes to the bakery and brings us fresh bread every day, it used to bug me. But I decided to embrace it and after some time my preception changed.
As for the money spent, you need to sit down with her and have a good long talk. But it will not be taken well if it is you laying down the law and expecting her to be the only one to admit fault and to change. IMO it should look something like this:
You: I greatly appreciate all the help you give to us and I think it is wonderful that you make some fantastic homemade food, you are a great cook and after doing some thinking I see that since soup is important to you for the kids that maybe I should look at it differently. But we really need to work on a budget.
It really sounds to me like you are fighting her culture...but you live here in Poland. It is rude to fight the culture of the place where you live. I think you could do well to take a good hard look at yourself and your perceptions of things. I know it is hard to veer from our own upbringing and embrace that of another but polish culture and their ideas do have value. If you plan to stay here you would be wise to work on changing your perception, stop trying to fight who she is and work harder and making compromise on your side and getting your wife to work with her mom to get some compromise from her side.