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Witamy, Guest
Home / USA, Canada   155 posts

My wife wants to return to Poland...but I want to stay in the US


scrappleton - | 835    
1 Feb 2010  #121

she is home sick thats it!!!

Well, she should have realized that the first 6 months she was here.. not after she got married and bore a child. It's not grounds for him giving up his life.

Patrycja19 63 | 2,703    
1 Feb 2010  #122

six months is hardly enough time, as he said she hasnt met any friends, etc etc.
if none of her family is here, thats hard, it would be the same for him, if he lived
there, maybe he could pay for her family to come see here?

as for having a child and staying as long as she did, maybe she does love him or
maybe she isnt getting something from the relationship , there could be numerous
things going on.

But this is clearly a example of why international relationships are difficult.
even if there wasnt a child. there is so much culture difference, and it
is something to learn from. its not like if they did part ways he could just go
over to her home and pick up the child for the weekend like we can here.
scrappleton - | 835    
1 Feb 2010  #123

But this is clearly a example of why international relationships are difficult.

Yes, you're probably right here.
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
1 Feb 2010  #124

Well, she should have realized that the first 6 months she was here

...not a woman so I won't ever be able to fully understand but I've been told before that being pregnant is an extremely emotional time, for some more so than others.

Being away from "home" and living in a foreign country is hard enough. Throw in a pregnancy into the equation and all the 'rules of engagement' have just been changed...
convex 20 | 3,985    
1 Feb 2010  #125

Being away from "home" and living in a foreign country is hard enough.

Depends on the person I suppose.

Patrycja19:
But this is clearly a example of why international relationships are difficult.

Yes, you're probably right here.

They're not that difficult...been in dozens of 'em... :)
Seanus 15 | 19,743    
1 Feb 2010  #126

ZIMMY is right. Many women have that agenda. Get the baby and scarper. PGTX, what do you mean by 'I don't think so'? I'm trying to combine the legal reality which is inherently rational with the practical emotional aspects. There has to be a compromise. If they both sort out employment in Poland before they get here (assuming he was to move, of course) then the welfare of the kid is in that bit better of a position. I don't know if the OP will reply again but I'd like to ask him what her plans are as we can't just pick and choose in life. It is her wish to return so the onus should be on her, esp with her knowledge of Polish, to provide guarantees to him AND the child as best she can.
HelpMe12    
24 Feb 2010  #127

I agree that it is better to poor but happy.
My future husband is from Poland and has an ex-wife and 2 girls back in poland. He only gets paid once every 3 month while I work full time and his ex-wife is calling 5 times a day for money from him. He has been here for 6 years and divorced for almost 3 years.

I love him even though we don't have money.
I just wish his ex-wife would leave us alone about money. I have no problems if he wants to speak with his daughter, but for her to call and want money that we don't have all the time is hard.

Any advice?
f stop 25 | 2,528    
24 Feb 2010  #128

picture yourself as the first wife, with 2 kids...
Wroclaw Boy    
24 Feb 2010  #129

while I work full time and his ex-wife is calling 5 times a day for money from him.

Any advice?

tell her to stop calling foreign countries five times a day and to save that money or change your number.
time means 5 | 1,319    
24 Feb 2010  #130

Yep change your number and use call barring when he phones his daughters up.
HelpMe12    
24 Feb 2010  #131

She is the one that wanted the divorce from him.
I understand that he has two children.
I think calling someone 5 times a day for money is crazy. He told her as soon as he gets money he will send it. He has sent money every month for the past 6 years, but in January his work got cut so he didin't have money for January of February and now has his own medical issue to attend to.

I think she thinks he has money becuase he mom lives here in the US and sends her and her boyfriend with the 2 children money.

All I am asking is that she calls for the child to talk to her dad and she does't have to call 5 times a day for money.

He told her he would call her when he has money and 3 days late the phone calls started again at 4 in the morning......
f stop 25 | 2,528    
24 Feb 2010  #132

and 3 days late the phone calls started

so she knows to wait 3 months, then when he's late 3 days she starts calling? I would be too, if next paycheck was another 3 months away.

let me asks you: when he gets his money, who gets the first dibs - you or his kids?
ZIMMY 7 | 1,607    
25 Feb 2010  #133

I think calling someone 5 times a day for money is crazy.

Second wives frequently find out how 'evil' first wives can be. They understand what so many divorced men go through. Calling so frequently is psychological (emotional) abuse.

his own medical issue to attend to.

Doesn't matter to ex wives. 'It's all about them(selves)'.

All I am asking is that she calls for the child to talk to her dad

That doesn't matter because it's all about the money. Additionally, many women tell the kids that "daddy doesn't love you". It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

mrcustodycoach.com/blog/

the phone calls started again at 4 in the morning.....

That's intentional; lots of stuff for you in the link above. Good luck.
Seanus 15 | 19,743    
25 Feb 2010  #134

Marriage is for life and you should remind her of that. There are all kinds of arrangements that can be made. I still believe that the man should stay as that is his life. My wife and I had talked about my views on returning to Scotland a lot before finally deciding to get married.
ZIMMY 7 | 1,607    
26 Feb 2010  #135

Marriage is for life and you should remind her of that.

That's assuming the woman is a rational human being. As you must have found out by now most women make their decisions based on 'feelings' not logic.

the man should stay as that is his life.

Of course. The woman took the "for better or worse" vows but evidently those don't mean much in the modern feminized world, and indeed, our current culture gives women incentives to divorce.

"While 70% of all divorces are initiated by women, 85 to 90% of custody awards go to the women."

askmen.com/daily/austin_60/92_fashion_style.html
Seanus 15 | 19,743    
26 Feb 2010  #136

Yeah, talk about raw deals. Still, 100% of men enter into them ;) ;) ;)
ZIMMY 7 | 1,607    
26 Feb 2010  #137

Yeah, talk about raw deals.

.....and then, with some women a divorce settlement is only permanent if a woman says it is.
How's this for 'female entitlement'"

dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1253909/Ex-wife-claims-560-000--30-years-marriage-split.html
Seanus 15 | 19,743    
26 Feb 2010  #138

Sorry, I didn't read it as it was the Daily Mail. Divorce is such a cumbersome business, so much fiddly paperwork.
ZIMMY 7 | 1,607    
27 Feb 2010  #139

I didn't read it as it was the Daily Mail.

Simply put, a woman wants a £560,000 payout 25 years after divorcing her husband. He's been paying her £27,000 a year in maintenance all that time but being an "empowered" woman, it seems that isn't enough for her "entitled" female self. No kids are involved.
Seanus 15 | 19,743    
27 Feb 2010  #140

You see, that's when things get ridiculous. Absurd figures are bandied about and people go cuckoo. She needs to come a cropper somehow.
123z 2 | 29    
12 May 2011  #141

I know this thread is old, but just want to put my 2 cent here - Is it not possible to make arrangement with your wife that your whole family (you, your wife and your little daughter) to make a visit Poland very year for 1-2 weeks or more?

If your wife is very homesick now, can you go with her to Poland and visit a month and return to US with her?If you go with her, then she may not have the chance to oppose you as you are with her and that there is no cnace for her to stay in Poland?
Lifesaver    
4 Mar 2013  #142

Dear Jozek.
My name is Tony and I have the same situation as you do but only the opposite. My advice to you is to have her visit her family in Poland at least once a year until that homesickness eventually wears off. She'll have something to look forward to and if she truly loves you with all her heart she'll have to let go of these negative feelings. I have ruined my life for making a stupid decision of moving to Europe from the U.S. and will now regret it for the rest of my life. Your wife should be thankful for living in the BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! Don't make the same mistake I've made. If you have a steady job then keep it! Let her look for a job this way she can contribute to her traveling expenses to Poland and BACK!
toweliee78 - | 4    
5 Mar 2013  #143

It's always the same. she wants to go home but what work is there for us? we have to learn a new language and the pay is 10 times less...

Ask her to stay in the states. you can have a better life there.
Ktos 18 | 470    :-(
5 Mar 2013  #144

ZIMMY: but todays women don't bother with the "worse" part very much

Sad, why did you marry a piece like that? This was unheard of not so long ago, but, yeah, in the West it is a norm, I hope Poland won't follow this method of resolving marriage problems any time soon.
Palivec - | 381    
5 Mar 2013  #145

Your wife should be thankful for living in the BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!

Sorry, but I think this is often a big part of the problem and downright ignorant. The USA is the best country for US-Americans, but not for your foreign wife. And she surely doesn't have to be thankful! The best country for a Polish woman is Poland, and the best country for my Russian wife is Russia. You guys have to understand that your wife gave up everything to live with YOU, but her better economic situation in the USA can't replace what she gave up for you (family and friends, language and culture). In her new life she basically turned from adult to child, not being able to deal with the most basic things. It's no wonder that a woman that has to stay at home in a foreign country all the time wants to go back home!

I can tell you what I did. The first thing I made sure is that she isn't dependent on me. She learned the language and got a job, which gave her her own money and her own social circle. I told her she could redesign my house to make it ours, not mine. Whenever possible I show her my country (almost every weekend) and why I like it, and I always try to find connections to Russia, and now she likes it here quite a lot. She avoids the Russian diaspora because this would again isolate her from the majority society. We celebrate the holidays of both countries, like Western and Russian Christmas. Her family visits her at least once a year, and we visit Russia also at least once a year. But despite all this I know that my country will never be like Russia, and I'm so incredibly thankful that she gave up everything for me. And as long as you don't feel the same about your wife it will not work. It's as simple as that.
Lenka 2 | 1,067    
5 Mar 2013  #146

Paliviec- very good post. Thank you for that :)
I can't imagine how would it feel to leave everything I know and love behind me. It must be hard and it's no wonder your wives miss their homeland
Ktos 18 | 470    :-(
6 Mar 2013  #147

Paliviec - well put, sometimes you have to experience things as an immigrant or place yourself in immigrant's shoes to understand issue such as this one.
Miecznikoswki    
7 Jan 2014  #148

Go with her to Poland if you love her. Family is everything and sometimes one has to compromise for the other. Five years of longing is too much. I am half Polish and can speak some of the language but everyone I met in Warsaw and Krakow spoke English. We just came back from Poland and it is a wonderful country if you live in a major city. Unemployment in rural areas is as high as 17% (2013). If you have a technology background help desk outsorucing is thriving. At least by visiting you can see the benefits from her point of view. If not, she may have second thoughts and return. It is worth the risk.
Crow 145 | 6,901    
7 Jan 2014  #149

My wife wants to return to Poland...but I want to stay in the US

your wife is wise. Listen her. Poland is country with rising perspective in every new day
Klo 1 | 21    
7 Jan 2014  #150

I too would be depressed being stuck in a house with a little child all day long with no adult contact..

Just to give you my two cents on the problem, I think that becoming a first time mother is a drastic adjustment one has to make, whether she's PND or not. I think I was shell-shocked for the first year of motherhood. Your wife is probably missing things about pre-baby days more than Poland per se, and it would really help her if she had some structure in her week, something to look forward to and something that gets her out into the real world. Maybe a class, or a group, anything really that would ensure a few times a week she can put on some proper clothes and walk out the door without all of the accoutrements of motherhood. Probably what she hasn't put into perspective is that her reality in Poland with a child would be much different from the youthful memories of student days when one hasn't a care in the world.

Like other posters have suggested, go back together for a holiday, maybe an extended one, one that would give her a chance to let the honeymoon period wear off and see things in a clear light.

I also think knowing that one has the freedom to come and go as they please is a lot less stressful than feeling like one is trapped and unable to go where and when they want.

I hope it works out for the both of you.




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