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Witamy, Guest
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My wife wants to return to Poland...but I want to stay in the US


jozek_in_US 1 | 4    
27 Jan 2010  #1

Hello Everyone,
About five years ago I married a beautiful Polish woman, while she was visiting the US. Since then we both had a beautiful little girl (now 2 years old), and I thought everything was going well.

Unfortunately she is extremely home sick, since she doe not have any friends or family here in the US. To make matters worse, she had to give up her job to be a stay at home mom making the homesickness even worse...I told her to go back and visit. But I have a feeling she won't come back meaning my daughter will be without a father...

I have no idea how to handle this. Should I let her go? I still love her, but I have a feeling that her resentment towards the US is transferring to me...

Anyone have any ideas?

J

lowfunk99 10 | 390    
27 Jan 2010  #2

What's important to you?
espana 17 | 912    
27 Jan 2010  #3

it could be worse, my wife bought a product today from Poland and I put it straight in the bin!!!!!!

Next time a divorce will be on the table!
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
27 Jan 2010  #4

Józek - not enough info here. Based on your name I assume you're Polish too, is that correct?

Has she given you an ultimatum or just alluded to her being better off in Poland? Sorry about being frank here but is it that she misses Poland or is she maybe not happy in the marriage or both?

It's hard for us guys sometimes to see the signs. I came home one day and my wife was gone. I thought things were great, or very good at the very least. All our friends thought I was joking when I told them what happened - "but you guys were SOOO happy" was what I heard from everyone of them, and we were blessed with many friends.

So my point is - how sure are you about her true feelings?

I'd say sit down with her and have an honest conversation about that, maybe even have a counselor there with you.

You said she has no friends and now she stays home with the little girl. What are the chances of you taking some time off to let your wife go to work instead? Not sure what she was making in the past but if it was less than you, maybe the pay cut will be worth it anyways? Remember the saying - a happy wife is a happy husband.

If you worry about the money, remember, the best retirement plan a man can have is to keep the same wife until the retirement. ;)

By the way, what are the chances of you trying to move to Poland with her for a few years?

Wish you both the best!
OP jozek_in_US 1 | 4    
27 Jan 2010  #5

lowfun:
My wife & family are the most important to me.

Skysoulmate:
Yes, I am Polish. But born in the US. My family is all here, but they have their own problems to deal with so they have not been the most receptive to my wife.

I too have the feeling that one day I will come home to an empty house.

As for her working, and me staying at home..Not possible. I'm the real breadwinner in this situation.

About moving to Poland; I would. But my chances of getting a steady job there is pretty small when compared to my current position which is extremely stable. Plus, I can't leave the US because one of my parents are ill, and needs assistance on a daily basis.

As you can all see. It's pretty rough right now...

I though that her getting a job might be the answer, the problem though is the job market is nearly void of any vacancies....
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
27 Jan 2010  #6

Józek - if it makes you feel any better I've seen some rough marriages that were saved. You both need to get with someone who's impartial and who'll listen to your and her concerns and will help you to come up with a solution.

Maybe bring one of her relatives for an extended stay? Whatever takes, at this point you're the one who'll have to walk the extra mile...

Ask your family members how "receptive" to your problems they'll be when your wife leaves you? They might have their own problems but since she's your wife your family is also her family so they should be more "receptive" to your wife if that's what she needs. If that's good for her then it's good for you too.

Also, talk to her about the worst possibility as well - make sure that if she decides to leave for Poland, she will not do it by disappearing while you're at work (unless you're a violent person which by the tone of your post and concern you exhibit I doubt) - otherwise you'll never be able to get a closure.
scrappleton - | 835    
27 Jan 2010  #7

Should I let her go?

Yes, let her go. You will miss the US everyday. Look around on this forum. Lot's of guys have made the same conclusion. Everything is much more expensive there. There's barely any jobs that pay jack squat. Poland can be beautiful.. and the people are nice and intelligent in general, but you'll miss the US too much in my opinion. My friend is a helicopter pilot and married a German.. he wants to move there too. I am trying to convince him not to. Europe is not for us, bro. It's the death of hope in many respects.
lowfunk99 10 | 390    
27 Jan 2010  #8

I would make the best decision for yourself and your family. I followed my gf to Poland and I never regretted it at all. Money is not the end all be all in life. I would rather be poor and happy then rich and suffering.
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
27 Jan 2010  #9

Yes, let her go. You will miss the US everyday. Look around on this forum. Lot's of guys have made the same conclusion. Everything is much more expensive there. There's barely any jobs that pay jack squat. Poland can be beautiful.. and the people are nice and intelligent in general, but you'll miss the US too much in my opinion. My friend is a helicopter pilot and married a German.. he wants to move there too. I am trying to convince him not to. Europe is not for us, bro. It's the death of hope in many respects

You really think so? Maybe I'm naïve but I fly widebody aircraft all over the world and love what I do. I always felt that aviation came first; in fact I moved across the Big Pond to pursue my dreams yet today I think I'd take a janitor's job in China if it brought her back. It's been a while so I'm not 'freshly wounded' but I think you should let your friend move if he wants to. Just my take on it...

I would rather be poor and happy then rich and suffering.

I think this summarizes my feelings too.
Honest George 1 | 105    
27 Jan 2010  #10

Anyone have any ideas?

She may have PND syndrome, so I suggest counseling.

I still love her,

Cuts both ways, she should have feelings for you too.
krysia 23 | 3,060    
27 Jan 2010  #11

Your wife is homesick. You can't force her to stay here when her heatr is calling her home.
I know of some Polish people who went back to Poland because they were homesick, but once they got there, they realized that it's harder to get a job, and if you do get one it doesn't pay as much as here. Now they wish they could come back but can't because they overstayed their visa illegally.

Does your wife have a permanent green card? Let her go and she will come back. Sometimes people can't get used to a new country and it takes a while to adjust, sometimes they never do but you can't stop her, she has to go because she misses her country, her family, her friends. Being away from each other is sometimes a good thing, puts your marriage in a new perspective. If you don't let her go she will always hate you and be unhappy.
ZIMMY 7 | 1,607    
27 Jan 2010  #12

Does she have any Polish speaking friends where you live? Perhaps she could join some organization which would be of interest to her?

She married you here; your child was born here. Your job is here. ...and "for better or worse" but todays women don't bother with the "worse" part very much.

Attempt to explain logically that you and she believed that the family future was here when she married you. In general, women will react more emotionally than men to anything that is centered around them. I would video the counseling between the two of you and if necessary play it back to her as needed. She might see things about herself in a different light when she is looking at the conversation from a distance instead of being caught up in it.

Always be logical and factual in your verbal communications.
Wroclaw 45 | 5,407    
27 Jan 2010  #13

She may have PND syndrome

i doubt this... given the age of the child.

But there is the fact that, in polite words, a two year old can be a bundle of trouble.

is she coping ok with the child ? i mean does she get time to relax ?

spend some weekends out of town together.

find someone else to look after your sick parent... if only for a few days. this will give you more time to see to your wife's needs.
bolek 6 | 330    
27 Jan 2010  #14

Highlights the fact that people who marry into a different culture and language etc soon realise that after the honeymoon period it can turn out to be not a bed of roses. I wonder what the divorce rate is amongst mixed couples? I wonder how happy these people will be in retirement?

The rule of thumb is that if you relocate to another country and your standard of living increases then you normally are happy. If your lifestyle goes down then you will not be happy, being homesick becomes the first symptom.
f stop 25 | 2,528    
27 Jan 2010  #15

I went back to Poland after 2 years of pining for my homeland, my family and friends... and I got cured! I did appreciate much more what I had in US after that.

Besides the trip back, there were few other factors that changed my mind: moving out of Chicago was a big one, another one was that in two years I've learned enough english to expand my circle of acquaintances beyond Polish expats.

Take from that what you need.
krysia 23 | 3,060    
27 Jan 2010  #16

but todays women don't bother with the "worse" part very much

Today's men don't bother with that either. After my car accident a few years ago which left me paralyzed my "nice" little husband served me divorce papers as soon as I got out of ICU and after 2 months in the hospital he got a court order to not allow me back into my house.

So it's not only women who do this.
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
27 Jan 2010  #17

Very true, unfortunately it goes both ways. How are you doing today? Have you regained some mobility?

When I said Zimmy had some great advice I think it'd be better if he/she changed "today's women" to "today's couples." Otherwise, good advice.
bolek 6 | 330    
27 Jan 2010  #18

part very much
Today's men don't bother with that either. After my car accident a few years ago which left me paralyzed my "nice" little husband served me divorce papers as soon as I got out of ICU and after 2 months in the hospital he got a court order to not allow me back into my house.

sorry to bring this up, but this tells me that there was no love in the first place if he did this in your hour of need, was he Polish?
f stop 25 | 2,528    
27 Jan 2010  #19

women will react more emotionally than men to anything that is centered around them. I would video the counseling between the two of you and if necessary play it back to her as needed.

OMG... I'm at loss for words.. you are one sick puppy.
nunczka 8 | 459    
27 Jan 2010  #20

I read all of the suggestions.?? It's a sad situation.

My take>> From an older guy. Let her go. If you keep her from going, you both will be living in hell. There will never be peace between you two..With luck, she may decide that she made the wrong decision and come back.

This is sad.. I sure am glad that I was never confronted with a situation like this.
Whatever happens, I hope it works out for both of you.. GOOD LUCK
OP jozek_in_US 1 | 4    
28 Jan 2010  #21

Thank you everyone for your comments. But I forgot to mention one important thing. She would probably leave with my child.... Something I can't even imagine..
scrappleton - | 835    
28 Jan 2010  #22

She would probably leave with my child.... Something I can't even imagine..

Well, it's complete bullsh.t you're even in this position. What kind of ultimatum is this??!! Go over there and give it a try I guess. It's going to suck though. This exactly why you dont marry a European girl.

Odysseus probably wished he never met Sirens if you know what I mean.
Amathyst 19 | 2,705    
28 Jan 2010  #23

But I have a feeling she won't come back meaning my daughter will be without a father...

She would probably leave with my child

Well, it's complete bullsh.t you're even in this position.

Troll Patrol (not you my dear scrappy :D )

In response to Wroclaw, PND, if untreated can continue for years..its not just a couple of months after giving birth...sorry, but typical male answer! FAIL :(
skysoulmate 14 | 1,289    
28 Jan 2010  #24

Thank you everyone for your comments. But I forgot to mention one important thing. She would probably leave with my child.... Something I can't even imagine..

Well, she can't simply leave with the child without a court order - if she does it's considered kindnapping - even if she's the child's mother.

Does this ring a bell?
...

The mother of this guy's child (who just like your kid was born in the US) went home to Brasil with their kid. She was supposed to be there for 2 weeks to visit her family. Instead she never returned, started dating a prominent Brazilian lawyer and blackmailed her husband into granting her a divorce "so he could see his son more often." When he signed the papers - she kept withholding the kid from him anyways.

Well, then all of a sudden she died giving birth to the child she had with her new husband (karma?). Shockingly and against all children conventions Brazil had signed in the past - the Brazilian courts then granted her "new" husband full custody of the child (remember he is a prominent lawyer in Brasil). It took many years but the boy is finally with the biological father.

From what I've heard Poland is a stickler to most if not all UN conventions regarding child custody which means if your wife simply took the girl home without a court order you'd have a very strong case and she'd probably lose the custody because of the "kidnapping" charge.

A shared custody is a must as children need both parents - unless extreme reasons exist (violence, drugs, alcoholism, etc, etc.)

Hope this never gets to that point and that y'all work things out.
Wroclaw 45 | 5,407    
28 Jan 2010  #25

sorry, but typical male answer! FAIL :(

oh dear !

i've done a wiki to bring myself up to date.
Tymoteusz 2 | 360    
28 Jan 2010  #26

Anyone have any ideas?

Wife is broken, repair or replace.
SzwedwPolsce 11 | 1,595    
28 Jan 2010  #27

About five years ago I married a beautiful Polish woman

since she doe not have any friends or family here in the US

This seems a little strange to me. She has lived quite a long time in the US and doesn't have any friends.
Amathyst 19 | 2,705    
28 Jan 2010  #28

Wroclaw

Wiki means nothing...Christ, it really does show me that men do really have a limited knowlege in this department...

Wife is broken, repair or replace.

In which case my mate should have got rid of her partner of 9 years last year when his penis stopped funtioning because he was depressed!.
jonni 16 | 2,491    
28 Jan 2010  #29

Christ, it really does show me that men do really have a limited knowlege in this department...

I've heard PND is so bad it has to be experienced to be understood.
Tymoteusz 2 | 360    
28 Jan 2010  #30

In which case my mate should have got rid of her partner of 9 years last year when his penis stopped funtioning because he was depressed!.

I'm just kidding, sorry. My missus has bouts with depression also. On a happier note, my pecker is still known as "The diamond cutter" round these parts. Wooooo-Hooooooooo!




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