They simply don't know anything better
Now they do...
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Chapter 3. Never say "Yeah...but I love him"...when you know damn well that it's over.
Treat violence against you without mercy and forgiveness; one strike and you are done. Don't bother dragging him to marriage counseling to get him fixed. A safer bet is that they never change and always lie their way back to repeat the hit and I-am-so-sorry cycle.
When asked why they act out, their stock answer is that they have anger issues - a lie meant to deflect from the fact that men beat women because so many of them are testosterone-driven cowards unloading their disappointments in themselves on the physically weaker victims who are unlikely to get even. If you already bought his excuse about his uncontrollable impulses, try to recall how many times he went nuts with his boss after a bad review. If you can't, let me help you: never.
When Mr. Right morphs into a husband from hell, it's time to run. If you decide to file for divorce, do not tell him. Instead, take whatever you need, pack up, and move out when he is away. Immediately apply for a restraining order and get a lawyer. His visitation rights, if you have kids, will be handled later.
Do not forget to take the computer. You will need it for the financial data and his record of online gambling, cheating, and anything else your divorce lawyer may find useful.
Once you decide that you have had enough, the dumbest thing you can do is to provoke him with that theatrical I want a divorce, as if a divorce was an object like your car keys. This announcement is so ridiculous and without purpose that he may rightfully conclude that you actually don't mean it and that all you want is his attention and a chance to vent.
I-want-a-divorce will belong to your lawyer in his letter to your future ex while you are safely out of reach. Once the process starts, never go back to his place or invite him to yours if you value your life.
If staying alive doesn't mean much to you, just scream this to him: I am going to the police! I am going to report you to the IRS! I am going to take you out of my will! I am going to cancel my life insurance! I found somebody new and he is much better in bed!
It is not clear which one is the deadliest or the dumbest. What is not debatable is that women do it routinely and many of them die because of that irresistible desire to see men grovel.
We will never know what motivated Tanya Buschman to tell her husband not only that she would be leaving him, but also that she had found another man, as it is hard to interview dead people. What we do know is that men don't handle rejections very well.
When you get to that point in your life when you feel an irresistible urge to threaten, the line is already drawn and he is the enemy. It is always a tactical blunder to tell an enemy what you are planning, and the rule applies just the same at home. By telling him that you will call the IRS because you know he lied to them you will likely be signing your death warrant.
If despite what you just read you still want to trade - you give me the kids and I will not rat you out - at least be smart and protect yourself just in case he may feel tempted to score big if you were to suddenly disappear. With you mysteriously gone, he would be off the hook with the feds, keep the kids, and the money that would go to you if you divorced him. If you have a life insurance policy with him as the beneficiary, his desire to dispose of you will be even more irresistible.
To prevent all of this from happening, collect all the incriminating evidence and give it to your lawyer. Never accept an invitation to see him face-to-face alone regardless of how much enjoyment it would give you to watch him squirm.
If the one-strike-and-out advice looks too radical and you decide to linger on hoping that things will get better because he just got carried away, or snapped, or whatever excuse your forgiving and creative mind is desperately trying to come up with, consider that a single-act violent man is as likely as a one-time rapist or child molester.
You shouldn't give a rat's ass if violence is in his genes or a result of an unhappy childhood because there isn't a damn thing you can do about it except run and immediately file a criminal complaint with the police. Many women who procrastinated, or just decided not to do it, came to regret it when they found out later what their abusers did to other women, including murder. Many paid the ultimate price themselves.
Contrary to what you may think, the longer you stay in a bad relationship, the weaker your case. I was abused for twenty years, followed by ...but I still love him...makes the victim a lot less credible.
The first assault can be excused because you were blindsided, or you may feel you deserved it. If you don't act after the second incident, your friends and, later, the jury may wonder not what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with you, unless you were literally held captive in the basement.
Kissing up with a violent lowlife is nothing else than postponing the inevitable and engaging in wishful thinking most of us who never shared our experience will have a hard time understanding.
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To Mods: The above is what I wrote in the past.
