My Polish wife's family hate me. Maybe it is because I'm black. Advice needed.

I don't know how you came from your parents not liking your fiancee to many racists in Poland?! You should be ashamed of yourself for making such inappropriate and wrong conclusions. Many times parents stick their noses where they don't belong. If you love the guy, do your thing and if your parents are parents, they will understand. Good luck and, please, stop making these generalizations.

Maybe your parents would like to see their grandchildren to be a little bit similar to them?

Are you Jewish? I can tell you, unfortunately, that quite a few Jews sadly distrust Blacks.

Stay true to your heart. You're living your life - your parents have theirs.


Evidently not so wrong, though neither of these posters are in Poland and one has never been here:

If i were you i would try and reason with them and try to explain that people are people regardless of how they may look. Tell them that their ignorance is outdated and extremely shallow. Its a shame that we still have to live with such deeply ingrained prejudice....and from our own parents no less.

Just be yourself and start making babies as many you can,grandparents love to babysit them and whatever town you come for will be lively and colorful.tell your fiancée to bring his friends to Poland and maybe they can also get arrived there.

You are justified in feeling offended & so are your parents. Neither of you have to accept the behavior of the other. Percentage of out of race relationships are low, thus you should look within and ponder how/why you crossed the cultural line and decided to become emotionally involved with another race of people. It's understandable that your parents will feel a sense of guilt for "failing you" and the grim price to pay will be the end of a family blood line.

Please don't portray rotting western culture onto Poland and especially not by labeling proud Poles racist. You have chosen to engage in behavior that is in the far minority. This makes you an extremist and in some peoples eyes: a reverse racist. Let me ask you this question. How many Polish couples do you associate with? How many white female/white male couples? You are in the wrong place if you are seeking Interracial advice.

Merged: My Polish girlfriend's parents don't want us to be together because I'm black, advice please

i don't get this really. when i got to Poland i had this gf who just "loved" me and was even ready to marry me but then later i found out that she just has a thing for blacks. i hate for someone to love me just cause of my skin colour the same way i abhor it when someone doesn't like me cause i'm black (but i care less about the latter). i just had to break up with this girl, who has returned to her ex in Belgium (ex is black. no surprise).

for a year i was really fighting VERY HARD to be with one particular girl from my university. this girl is awesome, like "bardzo porzadna!". i realised my colour didn't mean anything to her and i got to really like her. we developed feelings for each other and started a relationship 3 months ago. i'm so much into this girl. i'm not the kind who finds girls "just for the moment", i dislike this. i really planned a long relationship with this girl if not stay with her forever cause she is everything i want in a girl, she's super smart, kind, pretty, works out, all the good things. we were VERY VERY happy with each other. she has been living with her parents all her life till she came to Wroclaw (from Kluczbork) for studies. i love this girl...really! and i was very serious about her. i told her to tell her parents about us that we're together. cause i don't want to just "use" her, i had plans for her.

it appeared her parents are seriously "devout" catholics. so she told her parents about us and her parents said we can't be together.

REASON: cause i'm black!
they said they don't want to meet me and and told her daughter to end our relationship immediately. i don't know if i made a mistake about telling her to tell her parents about us. her parents asked her to choose me or them. can you believe this. if she decides to choose me, they'll stop supporting her and get her out of their house :(. at this moment i'm the saddest person on the planet! she's leaving for Kluczbork this thursday for the vacation. sadly we can't meet ever again. she wants to and she keeps telling me she is very happy with me. she the kind who's very weak and afraid (she's 21). i'm not really sure what to do. i spoke with her sisters (older) and they said, at the beginning of our relationship the most important thing is for her to be happy. and she was, i was VERY happy with her.

i spoke to them that i can go to Kluczbork and talk gently with their father, face to face like real me do, and literally beg him. i know it's lame, but i would do anything for this girl! i told her if her parents sack her from home i'd move away from my apartment, find a cheaper room and support her with the money left each month. i was really ready to die for her.

an hour ago i met with her, we tried to cheer each other up thinking buying some beer and going to a quite place under some bridge would work. it didn't. we ended up crying :(. i could look her in the eye and tell she really wants to be with me but is afraid her family will abandon her and i understand her.

i'm not really sure what to do now. i'm the most confused person on the planet. should i try to write a letter to her dad and maybe explain how much her daughter means to me? tell them how much i love her. would this help. i don't know how to react with some polish people but no offence, and with lots of respect, i think this country is very backward. how can a father take away something that gives their daughter happiness? this is very harsh.

maybe some polish people would be able to give me some nice ideas .

Since none of the replies so far have been helpful I will shed my 2 cents (or złoty if you prefer).

Let's state an obvious but difficult- to-accept fact: Racism still exists in Europe. I do not think in Poland (and amongst the older generation no less) that it is due to an intrinsic hatred towards other people. It comes down to the difference in mentality between generations. Your girlfriends' parents have probably not been in contact with a lot of people from other nations. Their mentality is such that they envisioned their daughter getting married to some wealthy and handsome Polish guy with a good job who will give them Polish babies that the whole town will talk about for years. Now here comes "some black guy" who intends to spoil their vision of what their daughters wedding and children (their grandchildren) would look like. This I believe is what is going through their minds. In a town as small as theirs, how many black people do you think they've seen? It may sound ridiculous as a twenty-something in 2014, but the older generation of Polish people only remember the days of communism and how you had to look out for your own.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I am afraid you are fighting an uphill battle. The views of her parents' generation will not subside anytime in the immediate future. To them, their daughters' "happiness" is just a phase. To them, she will only be truly "happy" if she marries a man who fulfills their criteria of a good boyfriend/husband (and unfortunately for you that means someone Polish). Being 21( and from a small Polish town) your girlfriend is unlikely to be independent and will therefore always choose family over you. The fact that they are "devout Catholics" means nothing.

My advice: speak to her father (through email, post, face-to-face) and explain your situation. Just don't be surprised when he says no after your epic plea. If your love is truly that strong, you will find a way to be with her. But otherwise, I think it's time to start realizing that while we are in 2014, the brains of a lot of the world are stuck decades in the past. I wish you the best of luck though

you insult catholic religion and poland as backward why not study in african university oh there are none
what european or asian wants their daughter to marry african who cannot even speak polish.

@mrgay69, i didn't insult any religion, if you feel that way then i'm really sorry. and if it's about passports, i don't need a polish passport! i have a better one. about school, i completed uni elsewhere. not in europe, not in africa. oh God, why am i even spending time on you, clearly you have no idea what you're talking about. there are very few normal people here, too bad.

Imano, it sounds to me as though your girlfriend wants out, the tell tale sign seems to be her sister informing you she only wishes her younger sister happiness...

Polish people are notoriously passive aggressive.

imano, it's obvious she wants out. i think you moved from being bf-gf to meeting the parents too quickly. & she's 21. she probably has a lot more she needs/wants to experience. maybe being with a black guy is one of those experiences. she's not really into you. i don't know her enough, but from what you wrote. i think she's just likes you because you're black. but then, i could be wrong.

You should take great amounts of care about going to such places, particularly if you can see goat bones scattered around: trolls live there.

I wouldn't say that Warszwaski - ya Sherlock Homes wanna be.

I'm pretty much with what dave_MD said. Although it is difficult to get a true picture when love is involved especially when the person writing is madly in love, black and playing the racist angle or not.

The benefit of a forum is Imano throws one out there in a quest of trying to understand the situation. It is fact Poles are passive aggressive when push comes to shove they would like to avoid any form of confrontation, letting someone down lightly. As the OP mentioned his gf is the quiet mouse type looking for a protective arm, it would be very easy to use the parents as an out, especially as he will never meet them.She probably has not even told the parents Imano is black, my call is the gf and her sister came up with the story as Imano was too pushy to meet the folks.

Here:
polishforums.com/relationships-36/polish-wifes-family-hate-maybe-because-im-black-advice-65230/

and

polishforums.com/relationships-36/polish-parents-dislike-fiance-because-black-advice-please-70691/

Merged

She may have read 10 reasons not to marry a foreigner.

@warszawski: no she doesn't want out. i've known her for a year and i know how she thinks and feel about me. i feel it and i see it and i hear it. since she's leaving wroclaw today, i spent the WHOLE day with her yesterday and her mum called twice. it wasn't on a loude speaker but i was very close to her i could hear her mum. her mum sounded VERY CALM and i could hear she's a very good person and wants the best for her daughter. she said stuff like "Kasia(not real name), nie martw sie, bedzie dobrze, znajdziesz opowiedny...". her mum knows she's sad and could hear her crying. and i know her mum is a good person cause she asked of me!! she asked "i jak tam z kolega?" and my gf said, crying "jest smutny i zalamany" only for her mum to reply "bedzie dobrze".

her dad asked her if she loves me, where i work(and surprising her dad thought i made the story up about the fact that i'm a programmer and work from home through the internet. he thinks i'm deceiving her daugther about the fact that i work from home, he thinks i made this story up, he doesn't believe it. i don't know if he doesn't believe the fact that you can work on the internet or the fact that i work from home), study, what language i speak, religion, what language i speak with my gf, etc. i mean very detailed questions. and for some reason i feel it's not really for the fact that i'm black. maybe it's about some strict tradition they want to stick to. i don't know. i can't say i don't care, i respect their traditions and all but this doesn't change the fact that i LOVE this girl. she eats less and she's very weak physically and emotionally.

her parents think that we can't be together cause there might be problems like, people will tease us and make fun of her daughter and with my gf being that weak, she can't take it. but being with my gf i could tell she grew stronger towards such things. and i can observe people's reactions when we're out in public places. people don't insult us. MOST people watch and smile in a way that seem like their are saying in their heads "beautiful couple". and trust me, i can tell an evil smile from a good one. the worst reactions from people is for them to just stare with neutral facial expression. whatever they think in their heads, i don't care about. most important for me is my gf grew stronger and more confident. she would reach for my hand every second, hug and kiss irrespective of who's around and how many people are watching. i asked her once "does it bother you when people say bad things about me in public, and she confidently said she doesn't care.

when her mum told her dad about us, her dad called her on phone and asked her to get home IMMEDIATELY (knowing she had an exam the following 2 days). she thought when she gets home her dad will be mad and scream at her in anger, but instead her dad was sad, very sad, nothing like she had seen before. her dad was sleepless for 2 days :(. this is not something i want for her parents but again, i love her! and it's not with her parents i'm going to be with neither with random people in the streets who stare and think whatever they have in their heads.

worst thing is this happened at the worst time of the year. we both failed 2 exams and last night she printed some small sheet to copy from cause she can't concentrate. she never did this, as far as i know.

@frenny: the girl who went to her ex is my older gf that i had to leave cause i could easily tell she was with me cause i'm black. this story is about a new girl who actually doesn't care about the colour of my skin. what she feels for me is meaningful to me than what my ex felt for me.

@harry: quite place under a bridge is nothing close to what you're imagining or picturing from movies. it's a totally safe and calm place with no stupid people around. we promised each other we'd go there one day but had to go there before her parents took us apart. we started the whole season of Game of Thrones, watched every episode and had to watch the last one last night cause we promised to finish it.

Imano, it is nice the penny has dropped and you finally admit to yourself the gf's parents are not against you because you are black, too many minorities in Poland try to play the race/equality card to their advantage.

The only advice I can give to you is when you marry a Polish woman/man you marry into the family and it is paramount you respect their traditions and values otherwise it will be continual conflict. In a Polish family the hierarchy of respect comes with age, which is exactly the same in Africa so it should be something you understand as an African from a early age. If the gf's parents are strict Catholics they would much prefer their daughter be with someone of the same faith irrespective of race over an atheist. If you love her I suggest you play the long game follow the parents wishes and separate stay good friends without benefits. Meet her parents as a good friend and win their hearts, if you try to keep your gf and disrespect her parents you will lose everything.

Do you have any evidence of that or it it just your own idea.


Respect needs to go both ways. If a family are unpleasant in some way, or obsessed with tradition, nothing he does will be acceptable to them.

There is plenty of evidence Jon if you read the Polish newspapers o you are in contact with certain communities in Poland, I would not wish to upset the PC apple cart in any way. As evidence in this thread the OP's title is " My Polish wife's family hate me.Maybe its because I am black, here he retracts that statement

I have enough contacts with Blacks in Poland to tell you most if not all will pull the race card when it fits, this not a derogatory remark to the black community in Poland it is what I have witnessed and seen first hand.


That's is your interpretation Jon, imano is not marrying your daughter furthermore the family are not disrespecting Imano they are not giving the seal of approval on the marriage, I would say it has more to do with the unknown.

Tripe. Do you still think that communities in Pl are "playing the race card".

Respect still has to go both ways, and in this case the parents haven't even met him...

the girl's parents haven't met me in person. when my gf (now my ex 20mins ago) asked if they wanted to meet me, her mum laughed. they just DON'T WANT to meet me in the first place. they don't know me, they don't even want to know me! it hurts. i don't care about the parents that much. i just care about the girl but she has "owners" (parents) who i have to respect and i do.

i stopped playing on race cards and been doing a lot of thinking. racists, if they exist at all don't bother me one bit. i just know there are 2 kinds of people, the STUPID ones and the conservatives. for example i was in a shop yesterday and some guy, tattered guy told his not-so-aware-of-modern-fashion gf "ja pierdole!" his gf asked "co?" and he said "obwrot sie", then she turned to look at me, i just smiled at her. it's clear, they are plain stupid and it's people and reactions like that that don't bother me AT ALL! and there are the conservatives (NOT RACISTS), proud poles who want to keep and maintain tradition (like my ex's parents)...but the fact that they don't even know me but yet think i'm NOT the right fit for their daughter is still beyond me. i wouldn't call them racists though...

it's easier when you understand people. i just broke up with her. it hurts, it pains...a lot! but life has to go on. she'll find the "right" guy, a pole, catholic and she and her parents will be happy, i would be happy too of course. now my prayer is just that she finds a guy that will really really respect her and treat her like she deserves cause i love her and want the best for her, but couldn't be with her. she's respectful and was brought up very well. girls like her are scarce these days. though she said she'll try to talk to her parents one more time and asked me to write to her Dad.

people say, if you love her, fight for her. i say if you love her, don't make her sad, instead of forcefully trying to make her happy. cause her parents were broken-hearted when they found out we're together. when her parents are down, she's down and i hate to see her that way. i didn't give up. i just tried not to give her reasons to be sad. i won't fight with her parents, never.

but i like to cheer myself up in this moment. when we were together we LOVED music and i got to somehow learn to dance discopolo and loved it. i learned the refrain of this song by heart within minutes and i love it. i play this song often, cause of the positive memories it brings. :)



stay and think positive always! peace :)

I think most minorities in Europe play the race card, they would be a foul not to, there is no better way to up the ante than play the victim.


So they are not specifically pushing the girl to end the relationship because Imano is black, the girl is 21 and her parents may think its all a bit to sudden. Imano comes across as a decent sort if the parents got to know him nd understand what he stands for I am sure things would be different. A father will always be protective of his daughter especially when it comes to new boyfriends.

Imano, chin up the way to move a mountain is one stone at a time. You may have lost the battle, but not the war.

I think that's a phrase best avoided. If there wasn't smoke, there wouldn't be fire. Best to avoid both.

Absolutely! We don't really know much about the family at all but from his posts we can figure out that Imano is probably thoroughly decent. A good friend here in PL whose daughter is married to a guy from far, far away was appalled when she saw her grand kids sitting down and eating rice with their hands. But once she got over the superficials, she stopped bothering. And anyway, people love their kids and grandkids unconditionally.

If only we lived in an ideal world Jon...

If Imano wants to know what the parents stand for he only has to look at the girl who was brought up by them. cross cultural relationships are always harder and need patience and time to work at to be successful, this forum is full of sado's who could not make it work and ended up bitter and twisted.

There is such a massively growing number of Asian,Africans and south Americans in Poland that even I am sometimes shocked :-)

Less of the if only! If we all of us, regardless of politics, nationality etc don't try to make it, who will? There's plenty who are trying to make the world a worse place...

i know how the parents feel, and the fact that their daughter is young and this being to sudden for the, that's why i broke up with their daughter but will remain very good friends. i myself think the girls is too young, maybe to make decisions for herself but as far has i know, from their family, if their daughter has a boyfriend, they envisage them marrying. the girl has 2 older sisters, first one married his bf, second one is very close to marrying his bf too. her parents are the type who want the PERFECT guy for their daughters. her older sister's husband smokes, and once her parents ask her to let go this boyfriend. can you believe it? just cause he smokes.

when i heard her dad didn't sleep 2 days, i got very sad. just over this. i was really very sad. i don't want this for them. i don't want them to get sick or anything of that sort. so i've left their daughter but will still be by here side, not as a couple, but as a good, honest friend, if they'll not sleep over that too then i'll just let it go.

according to my ex gf, they think it's a "shame" that such a "decent" family allowed their daughter to be with me. in their town, they are the best Christians, well-respected. her mum sings in the churc choir and goes to church every single day, i don't know really what that means in Poland.

once she told me if her mum finds out we're together they'll send her to an exorcists, she said it jokingly though. but after knowing we were together her parents prayed for her a lot. not like i'm a devil or something, in my late teens i sang in the church choir and played an organ for the church(does that even matter?). i'm not evil, but it hurts when her parents don't want to know me at all and start getting sick over us.

dude there are so many women in this world if the parents dont accept you move on and find someone else
seriously you show little or no understanding of polish culture
so now this poor girl has failed her exam for what..
isnt obvious why the parents dont like you, she failed 2 exams
without uni diploma how can she find good job
seriously go to england you will find you paradise there