PF - The Omnibus Edition

That's why I am not harassed.

Come on, someone get their finger out and write an omnibus edition.
I haven't been around, how am I supposed to know what is going on in my absence if noone writes on here, eh?
People are probably makeing huge sweeping generalisations about people and venting their frustrations but this thread is about laughing at all of that :)

A big hearty welcome back SeanBM :)

Oh, thank you but I am not back, I have to leave now but I will pop by from time to time.

Take care and keep posting :)

Hallo there Dear Reader (no I’m not a North Korean with a lisp).

Times are hard at present. The bailiffs are camped outside the East Wing. My investments in sure fire Icelandic companies have gone belly up, the UK economy is down the pan, the wife still has a love for Jimmy Choos and the Bank of Dad has been hit hard. Therefore I find myself having had to grovel to the psychotic Editor to get my old job back. So here I am, back in the old familiar hovel, pounding the keys on the BBC Micro and once again trawling the combined thoughts of a million PF contributors to bring you a new edition of the now legendary Omnibus Edition. (don’t you mean ludicrous –Ed)

Getting back into the swing of this job was a daunting prospect. In my wilderness year a number of you have filled in with an occasional column. How could I hope to follow your efforts I thought? Then I read them and the comeback seemed to be a little easier.

Enough of me (already I find myself agreeing with you Szar –Ed) and on to the news:

Handbags at ten paces

Some bird called Paulina is accusing old sheepy of being a patronising stalker who cannot resist replying to her threads (Szar the bird is a bloke –Ed). OK, some bloke with an even more misleading user name than mine is having a pop at Seanus. Seanus is responding and a whole bunch of us are sitting back egging them on. Some of the hangers on have pulled up chairs and ordered in the popcorn and beers for the big fight. A certain lady from Texas is elbowing people out of the way to get the best seat. Historians amongst you may notice similarities to the behaviour of the old grannies sitting down to watch the lopping off of Royal Heads in Paris a few years back. Knit, one, pearl one, shout ‘knock his block off’. Things have turned nasty now and under the amended Marques of Queensbury Rules proposed for the final countdown, both participants have been ordered to empty the contents out of their handbags before they start swinging. This should avoid the, albeit, remote possibility of either of them actually being hurt. That is unless of course pgtx objects to the lack of real action and pummels the two of them. After all she is a) female and b) Polish which in my experience is a combination capable of inflicting considerable harm following a perceived misdemeanour. This one should peter out pretty quickly so get over there as quick as you can.

Drink up ye cider

Apparently not in Warsaw you won’t.Tony2462 (you might want to lose a few pounds sir) is having trouble finding his favourite tipple out there. The idea of not being to find any sort of alcohol in Warsaw is a little perplexing to me. It’s like being stationed in the monitoring unit at the North Pole and claiming you can’t get any ice cubes for your Gin and Tonic. (Give it a few years –Ed). Anyway, Harry has told Tony to meet Sally, no sorry, Harry has told him to phone a bloke called Jacek who can sort him out with few crates. I’m beginning to wonder if there is anybody in Warsaw that Harry doesn’t know. Presumably Tony can Phone Jacek, give him the password, meet up, give the secret handshake and, after the money has changed hands, walk away with a very large brown paper bag. The things we do for love! It sounds like there is a gap in the Polish market for genuine scrumpy, to be drunk in dark bars in Praga by aspiring artists who can’t afford or spell Absinthe. It’s cheap, it’s cloudy and it’s going to make you rowdy – that will be the marketing slogan.

Goodbye tat hallo Tatiana

Riledwobbler has announced that he is to leave his idyllic rural retreat in Polska with its period woodworm and rusting farm implements to follow his heart to the mean streets of Moscow. His love for whatever her name is has shone through. This could not have been an easy decision for the old beanfart to have made, despite the years of enduring years of severe winters with no heating and the nearest thermal undies shop being 400 Kilometres away. It must be love, love, love as Labi Siffre used to sing. I wonder if his first name was spelt correctly. So good luck to the Harleyman. I wish you a long and happy relationship. Just like mine in fact, but without the bruises. Only joking. I am not a battered husband to link slickly to another topical thread of late. On that subject, if you are looking for a battered husband I understand they sell them in chip shops in Glasgow alongside the deep fried Mars Bars.

That’s about all I have time for now. I really must sit down to read some more on here. There are so many interesting topics to delve into. Twenty pages of blaming British Petroleum (er, we all just call it BP Mr Obama) for everything. Liability has been admitted and dues will be paid – unlike Bhopal. It’s probably halved my pension but don’t worry about me in few years time. I can always go back on to the streets. I got 37p last time (busking, busking you dirty minded little herberts). I enjoyed the World Cup banter. It got a little fraught at the end and how you can blame Howard Webb is beyond me. The man is beyond reproach (er, three bookings, the Poland fiasco – Ed)

Until next time I will sign off. Take care and don’t forget to hug a Pole on the 14th August. My lawyers inform me that a hug exceeding ten seconds constitutes violent sexual assault so don’t get too carried away. Thanks to MG for arranging the day.

PS – I have to confess the real reason for starting the column again. You see I’m in Manchester and afraid to go out at night and have lots of time on my hands. On that note, I wish the Manc meet up members a good night out.

nice work szar, sorely missed :) *passes szar a bucket of popcorn for the fight*

ah the Omnibus back to how it used to be nice one Pie :)

oh and has someone been scare-mongering you into


its not that bad really :)


you should come along and say hi hey hello !

I will write the next one, Charlotte. If I ever find inspiration anyway. Anything to relieve you from the burden of having to push your beer belly against the edge of your desk and typing with stretched arms.

Indeed, the 14th, ten days from now, it's hug-a-Pole day to celebrate the good Poles. The evening of the 13th we remember the nasty Poles on the kick-a-Pole event. The third day of this trinity is doorknob-day on the 15th. Mark these dates on your calendar.

>^..^<

M-G (details will follow next week)

yeah!

(...pgt's strong.... muscles....)

Tsk. He doesn't even dare to mention me. I feel dangerous and well-respected now!

;P

Don't worry, the next edition is dedicated to bit part players. You might make it in;)

MG - pas de beer belly.

I hope so, because I have royalties on myself these days.

;P

So that's why you are always short of cash...

<nods sympathetically>

I'll see you next year.

;)

Thank you Szar, I have no understanding of the combination of letters you have put together in that there post but it made me smile nonethless.

torq decided to call it quits aswell..

Torq's gone?
You know we'll all be back midwinter, when the sun has been blown out and Jack frost comes running up the driveway.

drama queens....

;)

Gracious and dignified exits are for the weak minded ;p

I love the fact that he gave a 'penultimate post' and told everyone, you gotta like him for that :D


Are we stealing the spotlight from you?
You know you can always bask in our reflective glow :p

YES!!! :(


you make me cry :(

Here take the crown... quickly

:)

Lemmy quote

That was a great time, the summer of '71 - I can't remember it, but I'll never forget it!”

“Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once. Once wasted you cannot get it back." – someone with more intellect than me.

Tempus fugit, tempers rising. Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? It seems like only yesterday when I sat down to write the last Omnipotent Edition when it reality it was last week. One of the reasons I’m having fun just has to be the antics of the members on here of late. We’ve had weird, wacky, feisty, bitchy, informed, uninformed, ludicrous, dumb, dumber, petty, pretty in quick succession. Time to draw breath has been in short supply. The action just keeps on coming. It’s been like an all action movie – dazzling special effects, epic stunts, bodies everywhere but at the end of it all a dawning realisation that there was no plot. Where to start this edition? Whether it is nobler in the eyes of men to pick on a few hapless souls or retain my journalistic integrity that is the question? (Mixed Shakespeare methinks –Ed)

Should I go or should I stay now?

I may be wrong but I thought zetigrek was leaving us. Having burned brightly in a short time with us, she declared her intent to leave us as the increasingly addictive nature of PF was in danger of detracting from her new job. Many warned her that escape was impossible. She laughed at us and declared that this was the end. Poor misguided fool. She knew not that PF member number 6 was indeed Patrick McGoohan.. She probably also thinks the big white balls floating around here are Christmas decorations not Rovers. There is no escape, just changes of user name. We are all just numbers with no discernible identity because…….

A Picture tells a thousand stories

….. they took away our avatars many dark days ago. However, a revolt has been initiated by the gallant figure of dtaylor5632 (see, more numbers). This modern day William Wallis has dared to storm the fortress walls of the mighty Admin. Armed only with a rolled up copy of the Scotsman and his trusty Swiss Army Knife he, and the other who emerged timidly from the safety of the local Starbucks, have shaken the shadowy leader to the extent that there may be a chance we will get them back, albeit smaller and at the cost of paying for the upkeep of the site. Small avatars will present problems to the partially sighted among us but ,on the positive side, all those images of male appendages will not be realistically sized.

Age discrimination

We all know that under EU law this is a no no. However, since the site is hosted in someone’s basement in Santa Monica we are free to taunt the toddler and punish the pensioner as much as we like. And we like it a lot. Just ask Allison. She comes here with a fresh set of eyes on Poland, the Forum and indeed life in general. And what do you lot do? You mock her and tell her she is too young to understand. You close your old tired eyes to the wisdom that she imparts. I mean, look at some of the threads she has started in a matter of weeks:

 Are Poles typically nasty people?
 Thread for pc westerners to discuss issues related to Poland (are you a pc)?
 Why in some relationships one person wants kids while the other does not?
 ORDER IN THE COURT!!!!
 I have an extreme fear of displeasing authority does anyone else know how I feel?
 What do you think of this?
 Why are the Italians and Polski so much alike?
 blonde extinction thread
 Tomorrow is my birthday!
 Nice looking single guys?
 The most good looking single men on pf?
 Mirror mirror on the wall who has the biggest head of all?

How can you all fail to engage on meaningful debate on these subjects? We must all be nice to her from now on.

AJ Watch

I have been remiss of late in mentioning the huge contribution made on here by AJ, Arien and probably under countless other user names. It is often the case that we fail to sing about the real heroes, the likes of AJ. He is always there to lend a sympathetic ear, to smooth over troubled waters

JustysiaS:
you're a bimbo!

Allison:
You're nothing but a crotchety old piece of sh*t.

f stop:
You are pathetic. And laughable.

“I think you girls have more in common than you would like to admit.”

He was the only Dutch voice of reason throughout the World Cup. All round good egg, despite being a Cloggie.

And now the end is near

Actually it IS here. Bye bye people. Anyone reading this is free to enter my new spread betting competition. I predict a spread of between 3 and 4 suspensions during the next seven days. Go low if you think it will be less, go high for more. If you win you get an old, battered Titleist pro V1 golfball and a free date with Southern.

Yes. I'm every person on this board, except you. (I'm also Admin, but don't tell anyone.)

xD


''There is no spoon.''


Scrambled, not stirred.

;P

So you are my neighbour too? And my neighbour's dog?

>^..^<

M-G (if true and you are in fact my neighbour's dog; does it still hurt?)

Much worse, I'm your dad. I still can't forgive myself.

xD

That can't be, my natural dad is dead. I killed him myself. Spent 12 years in prison for that. Tsk!

>^..^<

M-G (imposter! grmbl! didn't kill my dad for nothing, eh!)

If you are he and he is you then who the Fek is the walrus?

Confused of Piddletrenthide

I think you should go ask Alice; I think she knows about the logic and the portion.

>^..^<

M-G (woah, else go ask Grace)

that's what going out for a beer with 2 Duch guys would be: confusing and lonely adventure, since they would be bickering like two queers on coffee withdrawal.

PS. They are two different people.

And what makes you such a specialist, eh?

Go chasing rabbits :)

>^..^<

M-G (and smoking catapillars for that matter...my my my what was Grace beautiful back then)