PF - The Omnibus Edition

Time is money….money is precious…. The Precious is mine… With the ever increasing popularity of PF, the increasing number of members and the sheer volume of posts it is becoming more and more difficult for the busy Executive/Roofer/PA/Student/Layabout/Troll/Nincompoop* to keep up with what’s happening on here. Therefore, welcome to the weekly omnibus edition of PF.

(*delete as appropriate)

Our team of dedicated, highly educated, committed and unemployed (Ed -unemployable you mean) researchers have kept a watching eye on the last week’s proceedings and have distilled them into an easy to read summary of all you need to know. This will free you up to get out more often and do more of whatever it is that you like to do.

The Big Important Bits

Poland had an election. Someone called Donald Tusk and his party called the PO won it. Lots of people thought it was good and lots of people thought it was bad. Mainly these were Polish people’s views. Dumb idea electing an American property developer in our view but, hey, we don’t live there.

Someone wanted to know whose side Poland will be on when World War III kicks off, which incidentally will be three hours later than planned to fit in with CNN, Sky and Al Jazeera’s broadcast schedules. There were many views on this. Most people seemed to be plumping for neutrality. However, ConstantineK put the cat among the pigeons by stating that Russia was really out to rule the world. Lukasz responded by claiming that that would be difficult to do given that Russia’s GDP was on a par with that of Rwanda. The authority on this matter – the big white cuddly dog- added confusion by claiming that whichever side they were on Poland would attack Germany first. In the interim ConstantineK has declared war on Lukasz and is at this moment cycling across the Steppes to occupy Lukasz’s home.

In the meantime Crow was dismayed at the sight of Slav brothers arguing with and invading each other. Having failed to stop the invasion plans, Crow is now sitting back to see the outcome of this act of naked aggression, his hope being that the result will be a free Lusitania or some such place that used to exist as a nation. Incidentally we believe that there is a free Lusitania in every pack of Cheerios at Tescos right now.

Zeze (is his surname top?) told the world that the Irish were to adopt Polish an official language which caused a bit of a kafuffle. Road signs would be longer and no-one can pronounce the Polish for Guinness, Craic or Michael Flaherty. Anyway it turned out to be a storm in a tea cup and my Granny doesn’t have to learn Polish after all. Daffy got the hump at people’s stupidity (will he never learn?) and put us straight in a school masterly sort of way.

Giles took some dodgy medicine and nobody really cared that much.

Someone called ‘Desperate’ Dandeano claimed that all Poles in the UK were racist. On present estimates he knows over 700,000 people well. That Face Book is great eh? He was put in his place though.

What’s Love Got to do with it?

Where do we start? OK, Firstly there was an outrageous piece of queue jumping (which would have been appreciated by the old ladies of Warsaw) by Hmmmm, who in an act of unbridled passion let his true feeling for the lovely Justysia slip despite her having told the PF of her engagement to a 6’ 5” Scotsman. In a masterly put down display of heart breaking Hmmm was sent packing. So that’s Supermodels 1 Super Heroes 0.

David from FL is going to get married to his lovely Polish GF – congratulations from the team . The boss here sincerely hope that the lovely Eva is less accurate with inanimate objects than some (one) of her compatriots.

Craigie_bhoy is going to ask his GF to marry him. Krzysztof has given him the words in Polish so in maybe 10 weeks time, after a lot of practice, Craigie will do the deed.

Lots of general flirting and cyber crush toing and froing going on but as yet nothing concrete to report.

Desperately Seeking Zuzanna

The usual set of I want a Polish Girl/Guy two liners with spelling mistakes occurred. Interestingly there were fewer requests for visas to go with them this week. Could this be as a result of the UK Statistical Office announcing an increase in population of such magnitude that it would be less crowded staying at home?

There was a nice original post from an American guy, with picture, that shone like a beacon of honesty and respectability amongst the sea of desperation. Nice post sir.

Random Bits

The Big White Cuddly Dog again repeated his claim that he would be the first five star poster. Difficult to see anyone beating him now to be honest.

Bubbawoo was on great form in the resurrected Random Abuse Thread. Broadsides all round – great stuff. dziwna_gruszka provided the ‘blondie’ moment of the week by asking why people were being so nasty to each other on the thread. Priceless

Wispi announced that she was not going to be around for a while as she was off to Germany for a while – Kindergarden Exchanges are a great idea don’t you think?

Krysia is advocating do-it-yourself circumcision to someone over the Pond who wants to take this step. Still no new cartoons from the maestro though.

Fisz knows beer that is 21 per cent proof. Wow. They used that for the Saturn 5 then?

Newbies Ahoy

Hundreds of the buggers showed up. All shapes, sizes, nationalities and degrees of intelligence. Too many to mention but we pick out two for you:

Stevie-vee who is off to Zakopane boarding and wants to know that it is true that you get a free Blonde with every lift pass and Yogi-Bear who, being a Liverpool fan, is obviously a great chap and we should hang on his every word.

Well that’s it from the team now. Time to pop out for a grapefruit juice or two. Be careful out there people.

I love you...

Kocham cie....

bardzo ;)

Very succinct.

Care to do a daily wrap up?

Er not really.

A good read Mr. sz.

ha, ha, ha................my good mood has been restored, Thanks Sz.

Great reporting skills you have..:)

Excellent...This should be a regular feature

great read!

LOL good read. Put a smile on my face :)

If I knew that was coming, you'd have saved me hours of being here.

Cool, we don't need to read through the forums at all now to get the important stuff.
Dzięki bardzo - keep it up.

Hmm - work MIGHT just get in the way occasionally. I'll do my best

yes, but I'll be able to get on with my work :)

well done Sz - effort appreciated :)

hahahahahahaha..

that made me giggle more than some of the posting cant wait for the next weekly bulletin to come in .... :)

ha ha brilliant

me too :)

Yes its 5pm on Monday and it’s time for CRACKERJACK (Ed – only Brits of an age when they really ought to be dead are going to get that reference so we’ll edit it out later). Another week has passed, much Piwo has been sunk and we’re all a few days nearer to death. It’s been another fascinating week on PF and the research team have again been busy distilling the proceedings for the busy amongst you. (Ed – not the only thing they’ve been distilling). Welcome to the second issue of the PF Omnibus edition. Please note that we have selected Monday to be the new publishing day.

Significant Events

News has reached us of ConstantineK’s invasion of Lukasz’s home. Unfortunately the onset of winter has forced ConstantineK to abandon the invasion. In what historians are calling the Escape to Moscow, ConstantineK has decided to over winter in a bar in Moscow. As a consequence the Poland/Russia thread has been a bit muted this week. The main topic appears to be that everyone has claims to at least a part of the Ukraine. That being so we English hereby lay claim to Odessa – nice beaches, good bars, lovely girls (Ed - and guys, we've got to be PC) and good property speculation opportunities.

Now that the Formula 1 season has finished, Espana has returned to his winter pastime of baiting Michal, aided enthusiastically by the big white cuddly dog. Apparently Michal was away on a few days holiday not, as some had suggested, busy in the Tescos car park as the pre Christmas shopping picks up pace. Whilst away, Michal met two nice waitresses from Krakow and has vowed to return there again in the near future. We’re not sure whether this will be with or without said waitresses.

Babi has gained her first star. In an undignified rush, most of the male members of the forum who are not on oxygen hurtled to their PC graphics programs to produce a star for her. Someone called oAdamo got their first but frankly the quality was appalling. Z-Darius produced the best one but infringed every copyright law on the planet and was disqualified. Tornado2007 was perplexed by all the star references and declared that he had three and didn’t know why. Bless him. We assume he must have been being modest – no-one can be that dumb.

Somebody asked for a translation to tell their mate that he might not be the father of Kasia’s baby after all as she was sleeping with a Spanish Dude at the same time (we would have thought his mate would have noticed the Spaniard at the time but love is blind as they say). Bubbawoo sized up the situation in a thrice and declared Kasia to be ‘a right slapper’. Amazingly someone called Jareck8, who is not a member as we speak and so will not see this post and the comments that follow, disagreed with Bubba (never a good strategy we find) and stated with zealous enthusiasm that had she embraced God none of this would have happened. Telefonitika put forward a more eloquent case against the zealot that involved quoting half of her ‘A’ level sociology essay. No wonder she got a grade A for it – none of us could understand a word of it. (Ed – most of you can’t read the Sun)

Lucynda is still having difficulties in finding a nice young man for her Polish nanny, this despite said nanny being 5’ 11” tall and apparently a right drink-on-a-stick (UK slang for better than drop dead gorgeous) . Jeez, she must be sooooo picky. The team here were fascinated to note that Lucynda herself is getting chatted up big time when taking nanny out clubbing. We have now decided to take all the handsome sons, nephews and friends we can muster with us on the next trip to Warsaw to see if this is a universal phenomenon. If there is any improvement on the hit rate at Foksal 19 we shall let you know.

PolishgirlTX has now posted so many You Tube music videos in the ‘what are you listening to right now’ thread that PF is now getting more hits than You Tube itself. Will PF be taken over by You Tube as a result? We can only pray that this does not happen.

Barbi popped by to introduce herself to us. No apologies, we know we are shallow. Never before has an introduction had such an overwhelming response. Within seconds every on-line male member had said hi in return. The rapid response rate may have had something to do with the occupation of Barbi. Becksi disputed someone’s claim that Barbi must be the first worker from the Adult Entertainment Industry on PF. In fact she knows for certain that this is not the case. Becksi has so far diplomatically refused to name names. This got our team thinking about our need to maintain editorial independence. So in a quick poll we ascertained that none of the team here works in that industry. Apparently 75% of the team have tried in the past but they all came up short in the auditions. The only surprise to date is that nobody calling themselves Ken has replied to her. Despite claiming she was up for all sorts of challenges, Barbi has only made just the one post. There are challenges and then there is the mass ranks of PF wits it would seem.

Poison started a thread on the World Handball Championships that were won by Poland in a thrilling final against Sweden. We here were surprised that Argentina did not make it to the final. If they had Diego Maradonna playing they would have walked it. We noted that Poison is half French and half Polish. This strikes us as being an excellent combination – he can party like a Pole and still take three hour lunches. Anyway, congratulations to the Polish team.

Daisy kindly pointed us in the direction of some research by some well respected science boffin that concluded that in years to come there would be two distinct sub races of humanity - an intelligent master race and a form of sub human that was heading down the Neanderthal path. Just goes to show that boffins need to get out more often – if he had popped down to Billericay market of a weekend he would have seen that his prediction was a reality already.

Osiol has upped his hit rate such that over 90% of his posts have some form of donkey reference or implication. At times the timing and subtlety of this has bordered on the miraculous. Privately we are not sure he can keep this up, let alone hit the 99% mark that we are convinced he is aiming for.

(Over the) Pond Life

At this point the team here have a wee confession to make. We tend to either go out to the pub or go to sleep when our friends from across the Pond are on-line. Look, just remember we do this for the love of it and there is no money changing hands here. So if we’ve missed any gems from North America we say tough luck.

It appears that the fires are out in California. For all of you who were concerned, Arnie is safe and is threatening to personally track down the arsonists. So if you are standing outside a bar in San Francisco having a quick cigarette (at least 40 metres from the door of course) and a Humvee draws up near you, for God’s sake run away quickly.We also advise that you find a new bar because you know he will be back. Joking aside the fires looked devastating and we hope all our members out there have not been affected.

In a remarkable turn around Sledz has become a Golden Labrador, and an ultra cute one at that. Donations of dog biscuits may be sent to the Chicago area. Incidentally, there are more and more canines turning up. Very soon we will be able to host the inaugural PF Dog Show. There are one or two potential entrants that need some more obedience training first before they can be considered for entry (you know who you are). Daisy has kindly provided us with the personality guide for Tatra Mountain Dogs.

Nice to see Jnowiski returning back to full posting output mode. We guess he had a little time doing secret stuff again. Some of his comments have left us a little perplexed – but then we remembered that he is a bass player. To us bass players are like goalkeepers in football (that’s real football not gridiron) in that they have to be ever so slightly mad to do what they do and nobody ever notices them until they make a mistake.

The artistic supply from over there, over there has dried to a trickle. Sigh, we remember the days when we had one Krysia cartoon a day and Svengoolie penned the best poems on PF. Now…… nothing apart from a few gems from Svengoola (crazy name, crazy gal)

On the plus side for the Yanks and Canuks they do appear to be a far more contented and harmonious bunch. No nasty sledging or abuse from them unless it’s really called for. They are polite to a fault. Note to some Europeans on here – be nicer, it really works.

No doubt there are details of 147 different Polonia festivals over there but we tend not to read these as we get jealous.

Where are they now?

Here we appeal for any news on missing members who have dropped off our radar. Where are Shopgirl, Pingwin, Bratwurst Boy et al? Gone but not forgotten. Most of all we need to know what has happened to Dr. Love aka Southern. For newbies Southern was the (self proclaimed) expert on all things female. We have money on at 5-1 that his absence is due to his finally finding a real girl friend. We may be wrong of course.

Post of the Week

After an extensive review and a quick poll around the regulars at Szarlotka’s local pub, which incidentally is now officially a district of Wroclaw, we have selected the following post this week:

Hi.

Great forum, just found it when surfing.
I'm looking to get me a Polish Hamster, because I was told they have got bigger pouches and they're softer and really appreciate being stroked.

I've had a Russian one for a few years and of course the bog standard English one, but they just don't make me happy.

Help me find my perfect polish hamster... Email me on bigpouches@fullofnuts.at

Careful analysis of the grammar, sentence constructs and content of the above leaves us feeling convinced that we can safely announce that this post is without doubt the first confirmed extraterrestrial communication on record. The downside is that the team may be writing next week’s Omnibus Edition from deep within Area 51 - that is if of course if Area 51 actually exists, which it doesn’t. (Hueg – you always crack us up).

Well that’s it for this week. That was the week that was (Ed – they won’t get that either, it has got to go). We apologise if this week’s edition is a little long, but we didn’t have time to write a short one.

Finally we would like to record our appreciation for the (mostly) kind comments on the first edition. Bless you all. In answer to the slightly less than kind comments our lawyers have instructed us to reply as follows: We have categorical proof that Mr. Szarlotka was born in wedlock. Further, the only artificial stimulant within the office is in fact a life sized picture of Elle McPherson. We hope this clears up the uncertainty around these two areas.

Have a good week people.

Mr S you've come up with a cracker of a post yet again......

I can't think of a better way to eradicate the Monday blues :)

well worth the effort pan pie... i dont think anyone will disagree

hehehe...love it..

Anyone need any grapes crushing or action men wrestling?

category: 1%

Awesome Sz, keep up the good work:)

Great style.
Don't even think about skipping any issues of The Omnibus Edition ;)

fantastic Mr S, keep up the great work

May be a problem next week owing to my travelling once more. Depends whether I can find a reasonably priced internet cafe in Kiev. Anybody know of one?

i dont either more sh1t comes off the pages than from one's own ass :) along with the rest of the tabloids that are published daily :D

but great round up again always give me a giggle

LOL - I even refuse to eat my fish and chips if they're wrapped in a tabloid.


Bless