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I'm getting married to a Polish guy and need advice before visit his family; gifts, topics, customs


Maybe 12 | 409
17 Jan 2014 #61
Holden Caulfield couldn't have composed a better emotional car crash, Dude go for it, you only live once!
James G 2 | 14
17 Jan 2014 #62
Dude go for it, if you coming all the way from texas to meet her then she be well impressed..just be yourself and do what others say here..vodka for the boys, flowers for the girls, join in on the fun and you be ok! enjoy Poland..its awesome!!

now if a slim chance It dosent go so fresh at least then youl know for sure by going there and will have piece of mind for yourself!! best of luck!!
Jimmu 2 | 156
17 Jan 2014 #63
I think two things will stand out in the minds of the family members:

1. You made their daughter/sister very happy.
2. You made their daughter/sister very sad.

Your most recent act was to make her very sad, and so that will be in the forefront of their minds.

Chocolate and flowers, vodka and beer might help a little bit, but your most important task is to convince them that you will not hurt her again.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law love me because I care for their daughter. They happen to be Polish, and I happen to be an American, but I think the same could be said for any mix of nationalities.

Good luck to you both.
Jenfa98 - | 2
30 Mar 2014 #64
Merged: Muslim woman - Advice needed regarding my Polish Mother in law's first visit

I am Muslim woman(a convert, I come from an Irish background) and My husband is Polish (by the way he is Muslim (a convert), too). We have been married 9 months and my mother in law is visiting for the first time soon. I want her to be comfortable, and want her to get to know me better. I was wondering what is some advice anyone can give to make her stay more comfortable and to help her like me more. I will be starting to learn Polish very soon, but my husband says it may make a Polish mother in law happy. He claims that it may make me look to eager to please her. Please give me some advice, because I do not want to offend her in anyway.

Thank You to everyone in advance.
jon357 74 | 22,480
30 Mar 2014 #65
Just be yourself. Welcome her, be aware that as well as it being her first visit to your home, it's also a different country which may well add to the stress. Be tolerant and relax.
iammir 1 | 10
30 Mar 2014 #66
I wouldn't be so nervously attentive that you don't allow her space to observe, relax and explore her environment. The language difference can actually be an opportunity for you to build a personal relationship with her- communicating at first through gestures and single words, and then sharing phrases to learn each others language. It can be both fun and funny, and build a bond between you Rather than having your husband as the main intermediary and translator, spend time alone with her, going places and doing things.

My question is about religious differences. Is she Catholic? Is she aware of -and ok with her son's and your conversion to Muslim? If not, this could be a conflict. Some devout Catholics are intolerant of other faiths. I hope all goes well and you have good times.
Szczerbaty 4 | 49
30 Mar 2014 #67
If she's an intolerant cow, then there is nothing you can really do to please her. Just be yourself. If you have a good heart, she'll see that and appreciate it.
sobieski 106 | 2,118
31 Mar 2014 #68
Polish mothers-in-law are battleaxes anyhow. In my experience they find fault with the partner, whatever and whenever.
gjene 14 | 204
31 Mar 2014 #69
If she has been born and raised Polish, one way you may try to break the barriers with her is to try and learn about cooking the Polish way. Such as what your husband grew up with. Such as his favourite dishes. If you don't know any of them by now, you can talk with her about them. Since you and your husband have converted to the Muslim faith, maybe you can explain some of the differences to her. Were you Catholic? If so, that may help you give her the pros and cons of both religions since you and your husband switched. Also, try to tell her that in no way are you trying to convert her as well. Just that you want to explain why you switched faith.
Jenfa98 - | 2
6 Apr 2014 #70
I would like to thank everyone for their comments. I would like to add she is very nice over the phone, but I just do not want to do anything that may insult her.
gjene 14 | 204
15 Apr 2014 #71
You are welcome and good luck. If you never met the parent(s) before the first time can always be a stressful time. Your hubby should remember what his mother prefers to drink. Such as coffee or a specific type of tea. Remember some teas taste better fresh made while others require some time to 'steep' before you notice a difference and that sometimes makes them a little stronger over freshly made. Part of the reason is the tea in loose form or bags.
rainay - | 3
9 May 2014 #72
I am a Muslim woman in the uk with a convert Polish husband. Just be yourself. My mother in law speaks no English and I speak 3 other languages. Polish is a very hard language to learn. My mother in law is very opinionated and ignorant. She doesn't like me as I am not Polish and has made remark after remark before even meeting me to now after having my baby. She accepts my baby as only Polish ethnically even though in fact he's only 50%.

Be careful, those Polish do not accept other races especially if you are not white like me are those who have village mentality and not well educated. When I went to Poland, she never let me in her house, yet she had been in my families home and stayed in mine which I cooked and cleaned for her. She I would say, never treated me like a family member as I was only allowed in the garden when I went to her house. Be yourself. Inshallah it went well if she has already came.
husssamr - | 1
10 May 2014 #73
sooo, how it go sis ?? :)
goofy_the_dog
11 May 2014 #74
Implying that religion of peace is tolerant.
Ehh poor grandparents! I feel so sorry for them :-(
Its not about your skin colour, its about the cultural difference, religion being the main one.
rainay - | 3
11 May 2014 #75
Thats why she asked my husband, how dark I was when my husband informed her of me! I know what she is like and I know she is intolerant, ignorant and racist. My mil doesnt have a religion. As of culture I was born in the UK. Poland is not the same as the UK. Her views may tie into Poland, but in the UK, it's seen as regressive racist behaviour.
pilsudsk1 - | 2
11 May 2014 #76
You are incorrectly using the word ignorant

Ignorant: lacking knowledge or information

She already knows you are Muslim and not Polish. Let me ask you
- Do you speak Polish?
- Are you teaching the child Polish?
- How much Polish History do you know?
- Can you cook Polish dishes?
- You obviously can't eat Polish pork or drink Polish vodka

Maybe you should look in the mirror and wonder if you are the individual that is being ignorant towards Polish culture. This is a Polish Forum, not UK. If you wanted UK culture, you should have married a Brit.
Dont gag me yo 7 | 156
11 May 2014 #77
If you wanted UK culture, you should have married a Brit.

Very well said.
Szalawa 2 | 240
11 May 2014 #78
Yeah I agree with the other posters, learn some Polish culture and see if the mood changes. It can't hurt to try.
rainay - | 3
12 May 2014 #79
The word ignorant can also be used if someone deliberately choses or disregards to accept something. Yes she knows her son has converted. She knows I am Muslim. Why then hum hymns to my son? She can sing Polish songs I don't have issue with but not Hymns. She has no faith so why she's humming it according to my husband is beyond me.

I can speak a number of words in Polish and I am fluent in 3 languages. If my child learns Polish, it will be from my husband which I have no issue with. I have cooked a few Polish foods but I personally am not a fan of the food. As of history I know a little.

Where as I cannot say the same of my mother in law. When you are in a mixed relationship, you have to be tolerant of others. My husband accepts me of who I am and vice versa. If his mum has issues, that's her problem. My husband supports me and that's all that matters. My husband left Poland many years ago and doesn't even bother much with his culture.

I can say I have my own culture. One culture does not dominate over the other. I can say to my husband, lets embrace my culture over yours, lets start eating and learning my mother tongue and food. It's not about this but having what suits the couple in how they live their lives without trying to enforce a culture on to the other.

My husband chose not to marry a polish person and has accepted the British way. My initial post was to the poster of the question to which I replied my experience. To sum it up, yes my mother in law is interfering and ignorant. If she has issues, she must take this out on her son. I have polish friends and they say themselves that Poland is intolerant of others. What I have also noticed is many Polish people now in the UK are in mixed relationships, something which is a taboo in Easten Europe.

I have travelled to many countries but Poland still has a little way to go yet to be in par with the rest of Europe. Polish culture does not dominate over others to be important of language, food etc but be in equal relation. As my husband doesn't bother with his culture, we only adopt the British one. As I am only married to my husband, his mums opinion are not relevant in my marriage in how we bring up our child and how we live our life. If she has some say, then so do my parents. They can supports us and advise us, but not if they are racist and demeaning and I will not be bringing my children to be racist but respect other faiths and way of life.
Harry
12 May 2014 #80
she is intolerant, ignorant and racist.

You'll find intolerant, ignorant and racist people in every race. The good news is that such people are becoming fewer and fewer.

She already knows you are Muslim and not Polish.

So what? Her son is Muslim and Polish.

- You obviously can't eat Polish pork or drink Polish vodka

Neither can her son.

Maybe you should look in the mirror and wonder if you are the individual that is being ignorant towards Polish culture.

One would wonder how much you know about Polish culture, what with never having set foot in Poland and so rarely speaking to anybody who has, your posts certainly suggest that you know very little about our fair country.

Personally I find that Poles tend to be no more or less racist than other people in this part of the world.
pilsudsk1 - | 2
13 May 2014 #81
What I have also noticed is many Polish people now in the UK are in mixed relationships, something which is a taboo in Easten Europe.

While I agree the grandmother is naive and should come to grips with her son being for all intents and purposes no longer Polish. As you stated yourself "doesn't bother with his culture".

But I am not understanding why you correctly stated "when you are in a mixed relationship" but then seem puzzled why Poland "is intolerant of others" (Not entirely true). You've explained how your husband (and I'll take a wild guess your Polish friends in mixed relationships) abandoned Polish culture. Then became involved with someone out of race. Currently what benefit to Polish culture is your husband and these other former Poles involved in mixed relationships? Chances of your son passing down Polish culture: language, food, history, ideals etc to his children is extremely low. You make it sound such that Poland is missing out and should be in a rush to dilute itself. I counter that by Poland staying true to itself, it will come out on top. After Western Europe has been successfully diluted and is culturally and socially a shadow of it's former self; Poles will know clearer than ever who they are and what they stand for.

You and your husband made your decisions and you sound happy. But you can't expect individuals that stayed loyal to their upbringing to simply go on with their day as if nothing changed. In terms of Poland, your husbands family tree is dead: chances of your son passing Polish culture down to his children is extremely low. The bottom line is if Poles during the Partitions or Iron Wall went down the same path of your husband, there might not be a Poland today. So we are happy for you as human beings but we don't have to applaud your decision. We are stubborn people and it's how we've survived for so long.
truetalk
30 Jul 2015 #82
just make sure you look white and remind them that you actually have a degree! that's good enough


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