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Help needed: Proofreading Polish Song


yush
22 Jul 2020 #1
Hello,

I've penned some Polish lyrics for a song I'm working on and I was wondering if there's anyone who'd be kind enough to proofread it for me to make sure it doesn't sound too awkward. Full credit will be given of course. This is just a personal, non-profit experiment.

Many thanks in advance
pawian 176 | 15,323
22 Jul 2020 #2
We are ready!! Where are the lyrics???
OP yush
22 Jul 2020 #3
Thank you for the swift reply! I was hoping to share it privately to avoid mockeries, but I think it's not possible on this website, so here we go. I've explained what I'm trying to say in each line:

I can't escape the sorrow
nie umiem uciec ten smutek
of not having you around
że mogę nie cię mieć obok
in my head, you're my destiny
W mej głowie, jesteś moje przeznaczenie
but fate says no
ale los mówi nie

I have to accept my fate
Muszę przyjąć mój los
To move forward
iść naprzód
But I'm stuck
ale utknąłem
it's a vicious circle
to błędnego koła

we śnie, we śnie
in my dreams, in my dreams
Może, kiedyś będziesz moja
maybe you'll be mine one day
pawian 176 | 15,323
22 Jul 2020 #4
nie potrafię uciec od smutku

że nie mogę mieć Cię obok

W mej głowie, jesteś moim przeznaczeniem

ale los mówi nie

Muszę pogodzić się z losem

iść naprzód

ale utknąłem

w błędnym kole.

we śnie, we śnie

Może kiedyś będziesz moja


I corrected the most obvious mistakes. One might still try to polish it a little, use more poetic expressions.

to avoid mockeries

Mockery?? In this forum? You are kidding.
OP yush
22 Jul 2020 #5
I can't thank you enough, mate! I drew w mojej głowie from several songs, but I reckon mainstream music don't care much about being poetic.
pawian 176 | 15,323
22 Jul 2020 #6
If so, the lyrics are good enough and the whole song is ready for publication. :)
Ziemowit 13 | 4,381
22 Jul 2020 #7
we śnie, we śnie

I would still underline this is his dream:
w moim śnie, w moim śnie
pawian 176 | 15,323
22 Jul 2020 #8
Yes, possible, but the OP omitted it in the Polish translation, I suppose on purpose.

On second thoughts, no, Ziem. We śnie is close to : jak we śnie. You don`t need to use possessive adjectives in the phrase.
OP yush
22 Jul 2020 #9
Pawian- Mockery?? In this forum? You are kidding.

Excuse my lack of familiarity. I was just afraid something might sound offensive (obviously not on purpose).

Pawian- Yes, possible, but the OP omitted it in the Polish translation, I suppose on purpose.

I'd done some reading to try to find what sounds more natural. I thought a possessive phrase was too long. Phew, glad to know I got something right! :D
Ziemowit 13 | 4,381
22 Jul 2020 #10
We śnie is close to : jak we śnie

But he said 'we śnie' and not 'ale we śnie'. So I'm promoting 'w moim śnie'.

Just listen to Maanam - they use a possesive adjective with 'sen'. And not once!

Dzień za dniem pada deszcz,
Słońce śpi, nie ma cię,
Jest mi bardzo, bardzo źle.
Zimny kraj, zimny maj,
Koty śpią, miasto śpi,
Czarodziejskie śnią się sny.
W moim śnie, cudownym śnie,
Tylko kocham kocham, kocham,
Bawię sie, la la, la la!
W moim śnie, cudownym śnie,
Tylko kocham kocham, kocham,

pawian 176 | 15,323
22 Jul 2020 #11
Ha! After reminding us of that Maanam song, I will agree to everything what you say about the dream. Thanks. hahaha
Ziemowit 13 | 4,381
22 Jul 2020 #12
This is my favorite song of theirs. Kora wrote the lyrics in the May of a year where this month was exceptionally cold, hence the title "Cold May".
pawian 176 | 15,323
23 Jul 2020 #13
Yes, I like it, too but in my ranking it is a runner up, coz my No 1 is the one with: Happy moments are like butterflies. Do you know which??


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