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Soldier born in Poland / living in England. Fiance going away for ages. Complicated...


JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #1
I've been thinking about posting this as some random guest, but i suppose that all the details i'm about to reveal in this thread would just give my true identity away, so i'm not gonna try that ;). Since threads about relationships have been so popular recently thanks to wildrover and of course fireif, i thought i'd share something that happened today and ask you for an honest, unbiased opinion. I've never really revealed much about myself here apart from the fact that i'm Polish, live in England, i'm in my 20s and have a Scottish fiance, and of course that i'm able to translate ;). Well, as some of you know my fiance is in the British Army and today i've found out from him that he's going to volunteer for a 6 months long tour in Iraq this August and then again next year. He needs the money that he will be able to save up there to pay off the loan he's taken out for his car a few years ago, and for a course he wants to do in order to get a new, well paid job after he's quit being a soldier, cos he wants to have a normal happy life with me. My problem is, and he called me selfish for that already, that i can't bear the thought of being seperated for such a long time, i'm dreading the fear of losing him, and of course i'm worried we might grow apart since it's gonna be ages without seing each other. I've gone through this last year when he was in Afghanistan and it did bring us closer in the end, but it also made me very clingy, insecure, stressed out. I lost loads of weight and everyone was worried about me, too. I dread going through this again year after year and i think there's a risk of me becoming increasingly depressed as a result of this. In the long run, this is the quickest option for him to get out, but it's also a year taken out of my life that i will have to spend on waiting and forever missing him, and praying he comes back to me safe and well. I already accused him of picking the most extreme and hurtful way of trying to leave the army, because he could've started saving up the money a year ago when we got engaged and he knew i wasn't up for becoming an army wife. I don't know if i can do this, i don't even know if i want to do this. I love him and i thought i was 100% sure that he was the man i want to spend my life with no matter what, but now i've got so many doubts and i don't know if it'll work out if we are going to be so far away from each other all this time. I've been already preparing myself for next year when i knew he was going to go to Iraq (and do proper army stuff, not a desk job), but that was supposed to be the last time. And now this... As every other couple, we had loads of good times, but also some bad times, but the last few months have been almost perfect and i was really looking forward to spending xmas and new year with his family this year. But it's not going to happen anymore. If he changes his mind about this tour in August, he will still get sent on training to Canada for 3 months anyway... He told me that all he's gonna do in Iraq this time over is paperwork and not going anywhere outside the main camp so it's very unlikely that he gets hurt. It is a relief, but it will be agony not being able to see him for my birthday, his birthday, christmas and everything else. And then the same story next year. Is it all worth it? So much can change in a year, the love might fizzle out, and hell knows what else life's gonna throw my way to top off my misery. I'm not even gonna start about sex ha ha... I really wanted to hear from the wise ladies here, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I realise that it's hard to make an opinion and give advice based on a random post without knowing the whole complicated story of our relationship, but if anyone else here found themselves in a similar situation before, i'd like to know their thoughts. I'm not going to come back here everyday updating you on what's going on in my head like some other people do ;), but i'd like some mature answers and nothing like "i'll cheer you up when your bf's gone", or any other offers of comforting me from some forever horny guests of this forum. Thank you for your time, J.
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
24 Jun 2008 /  #2
Difficult one J and I don't envy your situation. Thank you for sharing it openly with us. No doubt this will be a long thread with much said so I'll start by saying it sounds as though both of you are being selfish in your own way and that both of you will have 'battles' to fight whilst you are apart. Only the two of you know if it's worth going through and if you are strong enough together to come out the otherside, better and stronger than you are now.

Good luck in whatever you decide. I think you should let him go off and do what he has to do, deal with it and then get on with a happy life together when he comes back. Plenty more birthdays and christmases to look forward to :)
polishgirltx  
24 Jun 2008 /  #3
as you've said, you don't know what life will bring you, so don't make any decision just yet, but go with the flow.... if you love each other and if it's meant to be - you'll be together when his army job is done..but if it won't work for you guys and you drift apart - there is no sense to be together...

just spend time together now... you'll have lots of time later to think what's next...
good luck :)
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #4
I do agree with you on the part where you say that we are both being selfish, but he can just get rid of the damn car or something surely? thank u polishgirltx, i do see what ur saying, but i just dont wanna waste all that time waiting on something that might never happen...
dtaylor 9 | 823  
24 Jun 2008 /  #5
I went throught the same thing. Though it was my gf who persuaded me to go, and i hated the fact of going:( i tried Pm'ing about what things you can do and think about. There are still many more options in the army your bf can consider. Im guessing he "feels" he needs to do this, though trust me on one thing. He doesn't love you any less, it will break his heart as much as yours.
SeanBM 35 | 5,808  
24 Jun 2008 /  #6
Though it was my gf who persuaded me to go,

Why?
dtaylor 9 | 823  
24 Jun 2008 /  #7
I couldnt imagine my life without her. I guess i was young at the time, but being away from her was hardest thing i have ever done. But she was stronger than me(which im not embarrassed to admit). and she told me to go do my duty, knowing that made me work harder, because she would be so proud of me. It wasnt as bad as i thought. Each week i had a video call with her, we talked on the phone whenever i could, but having her support meant i could do my job properly.
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #8
i tried Pm'ing about what things you can do and think about. There are still many more options in the army your bf can consider

hi sorry, i blocked my pm feature, saves me the trouble of cleaning up my pm box of all the rubbish i get from asians ha ha... what options are you talking about? he said that he will not only save up loads of money, but will get bonuses for going there etc. i know he's doing it for me and i know he's fed up with his job and really wants to leave, but the thing im scared of most is that something bad will happen to him and i'll always blame myself for not stopping him from going.
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
24 Jun 2008 /  #9
I guess dt has explained what I meant by you both being selfish. Nothing to do with a car.
shopgirl 6 | 928  
24 Jun 2008 /  #10
My two cents worth....

Relationships are a series of hurdles to jump....some bigger, some smaller.
After this, if you do get married, it could be new issues with in-laws, where to live, how to handle finances, when or if to have kids, how to raise the kids, where to relocate if one of you gets a better job, or if (god forbid) one of you gets sick...the possiblities of challenges are endless.

No one ever knows what lies down the road....or when you will hit a bump that you can't handle. For every couple it is something different....some things couples breeze through, but others find them to be a deal-breaker.

When a couple DOES get through a crisis point, and then another, and then another...it builds up confidence in the relationship. You may have heard people say "We've gotten through worse things than this....we'll get through this too!" If you know you got through a long wait before...you know already know that you can do it again. You know what will be the most difficult for you and you can look for ways to offset the hard times (friends, family, a hobby, a class).

I feel that the key to getting through this will be for the two of you to step up your communication with each other, and focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Like PTG said....if its meant to be....it will be.
There has to be enough "substance" relationship to make it worth waiting for...

Good luck :)
dtaylor 9 | 823  
24 Jun 2008 /  #11
JustysiaS

Babe, he is a soldier, this is something i don't think you have fully accepted. He will be paid oversea and "combat zone" bonuses. I cant really give advice because i don't know his position in the army.

My email is; dtaylor5632@gmail
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
24 Jun 2008 /  #12
Are your feelings of doubt really about him leaving for a few months? Could there be another reason? I think it's so important to marry someone because you really want that person forever. It shouldn't matter if they're not going to be there for a few months. That's why I wonder if maybe deep down you're thinking maybe he's not really "the one".

But if you do feel he is the one, I think it's better to stay with him for now even though it won't be easy. If things don't work out when he's away, at least you'll both know you tried and you can move on. But right now I'm sure he needs your support and it would just be the wrong time to leave him unless you're 100 percent sure he's not "the one".
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #13
thanks everyone so far, i really appreciate your comments. i was about to move away from where i live to be closer to him and i found somewhere really nice, but he broke the news to me today and i think i'm gonna stay put for now cos i'll need all my friends who are here obviously. just my luck...
szarlotka 8 | 2,209  
24 Jun 2008 /  #14
For probably the first time on here I am going to try to be serious. Relationships can stand long periods of time being apart if you are mentally tough enough to cope with the inevitable loneliness, regret, frustration and sometimes even anger. There are some parallels with what I went through many years ago. I was in the military in those days and when accompanying my Father on a trip to Poland for a pilots reunion I fell head over heels for my now wife. To cut a very long story short it took over 4 years to get her out of Poland with, in all that time, only seeing her 6 times. In between times I was all over the world. Letters took forever to reach each of us and both of us constantly doubted the wisdom of what we were doing. Doubts surfaced at every turn. Reading your post it seems like you have them already. All I can say is focus on the ending and ask yourself the question whether you can envisage a life without him. In my case it was tht attitude that saw me through and I know that she felt the same way. Even today I look at her sometimes and shudder to think what I would have missed in my life. I feel for what you will go through again but would like you to know that others have been through it and come out stronger as a result.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
24 Jun 2008 /  #15
"i'll cheer you up when your bf's gone",

hey, what's wrong with a bit of cheer? i'll take the plunge and offer my services. :D

good luck and i will comment later because i am super swamped here at work and this will take too much thought right now.
shopgirl 6 | 928  
24 Jun 2008 /  #16
Even today I look at her sometimes and shudder to think what I would have missed in my life. I feel for what you will go through again but would like you to know that others have been through it and come out stronger as result.

That is so sweet! Your post is gonna make me cry!

*reaches for tissue*
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #17
That is so sweet! Your post is gonna make me cry!

yeah it is, we have to get Mrs. Sz. to read that, i'm sure she'll feel like crying too ;).

yeah i already have been through this once and it is amazing to get them back after such a long time. he's been away to many places, sometimes its 2 weeks, sometimes its a month, but i cope with that easily. im just very sad and angry that we can't just be together without him having to sacrifice himself like this, and of course me sacrificing myself as well. life's such a b*tch, some people really dont appreciate how easy their lives are. i know i will accept whatever he does and do my best to stay strong and make us better, but anyone would start being doubtful and questioning things, given this sort of a scenario. i am a very tough person and i believe that we can get through this, but its such a sudden thing to happen, its only a few weeks away. i think im still in shock!

hey, what's wrong with a bit of cheer? i'll take the plunge and offer my services. :D

you're gonna have to change your profile pic to get me in the mood....

ha ha
wildrover 98 | 4,451  
24 Jun 2008 /  #18
I wish you all the luck lady...this is not going to be easy , but it will either make you stronger , or if your relationship is a bit rocky , it may finish it....I can understand his point of view , having been a soldier myself , but i think in this case i would give up the car rather than put my girl through such pain....You have to do a lot of talking with him about this , but in the end , if he has made up his mind to go you have two choices...either you wait for him...or you don,t....Being seperated from somebody you care about is never easy , especially if they are in danger , and he will be in danger , even if he is not on the front line....I wish you luck with this....Remember...anything that does not kill you , makes you stronger....
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
24 Jun 2008 /  #19
I'd say have a very very long chat with your b/f - six months is a drop in the ocean in comparison to the rest of your life...My friends now husband was in the army, they were together from her being 15, he was out in the Gulf, Bosnia plus a few tours in Ireland, I know it wasnt easy for her but she loved him with all her heart and knew it was something she had to accept, I think you have to realise that when you date someone who has that job you know they are going to be away from home. Anyways my mate has been married for 17 years and couldnt be happier...Oh and he's out of the army :)
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #20
i think he would die without his car ha ha... they say things happen for a reason, so maybe this is just another test. its still not fair though, it's too soon :(

I think you have to realise that when you date someone who has that job you know they are going to be away from home

i suppose thats why he has concealed the fact that he's a sodier until i officially agreed to go out with him ;)
szarlotka 8 | 2,209  
24 Jun 2008 /  #21
i think im still in shock!

Yes you probably are and the doubts hurt like hell at times. A military career is always demanding on both parties but it sounds like your fiance is doing this for all the right reasons. He already has another career in mind by what you say so it's not a love of the army life that is attracting him out there. I guess he will be full of doubts too. I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you but I don't.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
24 Jun 2008 /  #22
Justysia,

Are you near his barracks ? If so there might be a support group that you could join. Although you might have problems getting into such a group because you are not a dependant.

The emotions you are going through are typical, but there is a way to cope with them.
You will feel selfish if he stays and sorry if he goes. Normal I think.
You do have to understand the military way of life. Many of his reasons for him going come from his training and army way of life. Even when he leaves the army there will be things, emotions, stories that he'll never lose. He is going through a serious life experience.

I think you also know how important you are to his morale, so if you give up on the relationship you will feel more guilt for having done so. A difficult one to deal with.

I'm curious. How is it that he could just leave the army. Has he done his 3,6 or 9yrs.
And even if he leaves won't he end up in the reserve. Or have I got this bit wrong. It's a long time since I served queen and country.
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #23
Are you near his barracks ? If so there might be a support group that you could join.

not exactly near, as i said i was going to move nearer, i'm still trying to decide whether im going to do it or not in this situation. i'd have more stuff to do to keep me occupied in that city i was about to move to, there's a college there with lots of different courses, there are gyms, bars, clubs... i'll see. i'm sure there are forums for families of soldiers serving abroad, i'll look into that.

i gotta say that i agree with you when you say that even when he quits the army he will still behave like a soldier sometimes. i know how long its taken for me to get him to open up to me.... he's not very good at showing his emotions, but i gotta say that since we've been together he has tried really hard to overcome this.
dtaylor 9 | 823  
24 Jun 2008 /  #24
Look it up, it is very helpful

armywivesunited.co.uk
SeanBM 35 | 5,808  
24 Jun 2008 /  #25
my fiance is in the British Army and today i've found out from him that he's going to volunteer for a 6 months long tour in Iraq this August and then again next year.

Why?
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
24 Jun 2008 /  #26
i suppose thats why he has concealed the fact that he's a sodier until i officially agreed to go out with him ;)

You still continued to date him so it obviously wasnt an issue at the time. Hope you get your head round it all soon.

Chin up :)
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #27
Why?

i think i explained why, read up!

You still continued to date him so it obviously wasnt an issue at the time. Hope you get your head round it all soon.

well back then i didnt quite realise what sorta sacrifices i will have to make. plus tbh, i never thought we were gonna get engaged one day and talk about getiting married! he was so anti-marriage when i first met him... i just thought it was a summer love at first ha ha
dtaylor 9 | 823  
24 Jun 2008 /  #28
Life is sent to test us, chin up, and march on babe;)
OP JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
24 Jun 2008 /  #29
like a toy soldier ;)
SeanBM 35 | 5,808  
24 Jun 2008 /  #30
i think i explained why, read up!

The car he bought a few years ago? I read that, my question still stands, why?
Why is your army fiancée going to Iraq, for six months away from you?

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