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Love my polish girlfriend alot but under pressure from family


lovewithpolish 1 | 4  
29 Dec 2008 /  #1
i love a polish girl alot. We meet three years ago and she also love me alot. I meet all her family members but she never saw my family. The reason is very simple. I'm a modern muslim but not my mom and dad.

Now some of my relatives asking me to find a girl (from my country) and settle down but nobody knows that i'm in love with a polish girl. I am afraid to tell anyone cuz i know then something serious will happen to family. Because our society, relative will never accept that.

I told my mom yesterday that, i don't want to involve in any relation at this moment because i'm busy with study and career

Now what can i do? i can't leave my girl friend and at the same time my family.

at the same time my gf is asking everyday that she wanna meet my family which i know i can't. I told her that, i don't have good relation with family members.

I want to ask specially those who are from different culture and in same situation like me?

is there anyone in this forum?
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #2
Hey, R u Turkish?
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
29 Dec 2008 /  #3
You obviously do not love this girl as much as you say - you have lied to her about your family - you are living two different lives and both are a lie - being a "modern" muslim means nothing. I do not want to sound harsh, but the only decent thing you can do is finish this relationship - you will only hurt this girl in the end - your parents will have their way and you will marry a nice village girl or cousin from back home - the Polish girl will get over it and maybe learn a lesson that dating a muslim is a futile thing to do.

You sound like a pathetic wimp who hasn't got the balls to stand up to his parents, I could understand it if you were female as the consquences are much more severe, but a man!

By the way when you say "modern mulsim", all you mean by this is that you drink, smoke and have sex outside of marriage! So all you do is disrespect your religion, there is nothing modern about that!
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #4
haha..nice comment Shelleys, I agree with all what u said.

He used the term ''modern muslim'' :D this is a term used in Turkey very often lately, thats why I asked him if he is a Turkish or not.And the family behaviour he described is a typical Middle Anatolian Turkish style :).

I suppose, he meaned with that ''Modern Muslim'' term; yeah he drinks,smokes,having sex out of marridge, go mosque to pray very rarely or on special days only or he never goes..ı can advice this guy only to make a choice btw The girl or the Family.There is no alternative solution.İf u choose The Girl then u have to live abroad.Coz u wont be able to stand the pressure on u in your country.

İn coclusion I would like to say, İslam & Christianity are all same.But the customs and traditions create the huge differences btw them.So this guys problem isnt created by religion (İslam).The main reason is the tradition,customs in his country which makes pressure on him.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
29 Dec 2008 /  #5
He used the term ''modern muslim'' :D this is a term used in Turkey very often lately,

Turkish muslims are "moderate" and yes they drink and smoke, this is nothing new, I mean they brew their own beer and spirits (Efes and Raki) - I think this guy is Pakistani - they seem to use the word "modern" rather than "moderate" since they perceive this behaviour as "modern"
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #6
I m almost sure that he is Turkish :) I m waiting for his reply.
Zosiaprucha - | 28  
29 Dec 2008 /  #7
LOL!, Now what girl in her right mind, could fall in love with a worm like that?
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
29 Dec 2008 /  #8
I m almost sure that he is Turkish :) I m waiting for his reply.

I see you are married or marrying a Polish girl - how did your parents take it - or are they "modern" mulsims :-D.

As you said it is a cultural thing, I feel that the more educated the family the less problems they have with cross cultural marriages, the problem with the less educated is they cannot see further than the end of the village and also there is the chain immigration - marrying someone from "back home" takes another family member over to europe...and this is more a Pakistani thing or do Turkish famlies living abroad often send "back home" for a wife or husband?

LOL!, Now what girl in her right mind, could fall in love with a worm like that?

One who is being lied to left right and centre - unfortunately as they say "love is blind" :(
mephias 11 | 304  
29 Dec 2008 /  #9
Shelleys & Morella It seems there is a personal weakness and I am mostly agree with your comments.

lovewithpolish your choise will not be between the girl and the family, you must first decide if you manage to direct your life or what do you really want to do.

I am also Turkish and Muslim and In our country it is even hard to impose a local girl from different lifestyle to the family. But If you are decisive enough and capable of making your decisions In most cases it won't be a problem.

I am also not very religious but even in Quran there is no restriction to marry with christian or jewish girls.

Unfortunately people who lives under islamic influence most of the times has some kind of lack of self confidence. I hope we will get rid of this in Turkey completely after some more years.
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #10
I m almost sure that he is Turkish :) I m waiting for his reply.

I see you are married or marrying a Polish girl - how did your parents take it - or are they "modern" mulsims :-D.

As you said it is a cultural thing, I feel that the more educated the family the less problems they have with cross cultural marriages, the problem with the less educated is they cannot see further than the end of the village and also there is the chain immigration - marrying someone from "back home" takes another family member over to europe...and this is more a Pakistani thing or do Turkish famlies living abroad often send "back home" for a wife or husband?

Hahaaaa, Bingo ! yeah ı m going to marry a polish girl soon :) yeah me and my family are ''Modern Muslim'' :D. U gave the answer already yeah, it all depends education level of the family members.We didnt have such problems as the guy mentioned.But many turkish families r like his family.So I can understand his situation clearly. And yes exporting husband or Wife to Europe is a pure Turkish way :D when u check the turkish immigrants in Europe(Germany,France,Belgium..) u will notice the people r all coming from same cities, towns, and families :) there r some towns in Turkey, exporting husband/wife to Belgium, some towns to Germany, some to France..:D as u see it is not only Pakistani way.

I am also Turkish and Muslim and In our country it is even hard to impose a local girl from different lifestyle to the family. But If you are decisive enough and capable of making your decisions In most cases it won't be a problem.

Mephias, Do u really believe what u said?:) You know the reality as well as me.There r families u can never ever persuade for such marridge.

Yeah, u can persuade some families with a condition '' wife will convert religion to İslam'' . :) Really Funny!
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
29 Dec 2008 /  #11
But this just causes problems - for one, immigration (large numbers) is a problem in europe and for two the lack of intigration into these countries, the "old ways" and mentalities never catch up with the host countries, this is where the problems start. Why "import" a wife or husband when you have a large community, because let's face it, there are millions of Turks in Germany? Or is this generally done with families with "poor" relatives "back home". I am honestly quite surprised I actually didn't realise that Turkish people practiced "arranged marriages" anymore.

wife will convert religion to İslam'' . :) Really Funny!

Was this a condition for you - or will your wife to be remain a catholic? I am honestly completely against people converting religion, it's not going to change them as a person and forcing something on someone is wrong too.
time means 5 | 1,310  
29 Dec 2008 /  #12
WOW go shelley. very well put :-)))
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #13
I am honestly quite surprised I actually didn't realise that Turkish people practiced "arranged marriages" anymore.

I will try to explain u the reasons of it.But I m not sure if ı can manage to explain well, coz u have to be turkish to understand :) The mentality is difficult for a foreigner to understand

- First of all exporting wife/husband to Europe is a way of escaping from Unemployment in Turkey, and the only and the easiest way for the person to get visa to Europe.

- Second, Turkish families prefer marridges with relatives or at least with people from same town, same city..the reasons of this can be very different.One of them they may think they can get on well better with people from the same surrounding..another profitable reason , they think the money they earn or the heritage they will get wont be divided with strangers :D, or in holidays the couple will go same city to visit parents they wont argue whose parents they will visit in this holiday coz they r not from different cities :D, I can count u 100 turkish reasons..

No, converting religion isnt my condition and it wont be.She will stay christian till ever if she wants it.
mafketis 24 | 9,174  
29 Dec 2008 /  #14
First of all exporting wife/husband to Europe is a way of escaping from Unemployment in Turkey, and the only and the easiest way for the person to get visa to Europe.

The problem is, too many new arrivals (with no interest in assimilating) in too short a period of time simply transports many of the values and conditions that caused the unemployment at home.

Second, Turkish families prefer marridges with relatives or at least with people from same town, same city..the reasons of this can be very different.

They tend to all boil down to a low level of social trust (a necessary condition for a society to become and stay wealthy).
Generally levels of social trust all over the middle east are pretty low.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
29 Dec 2008 /  #15
The mentality is difficult for a foreigner to understand

I live in the UK - we have had Pakistani immigrants here for a very long time - I understand the mentality very well, even for a "foreigner" :-D

I just don't perceive Turkey as being a "poor" country, I've only visited once but found it an easy place, you know we even have poverty in the UK and people have hard lives, it's no different, but as a nation we chose to stay and make the country better, rather than leave, this is why certain countries will always have the problems they had 200 years ago :( Mean whilst europe can not cope with the mass immigration and this in turn causes resentment and that's when the trouble starts.

Regarding your point about marriage with a relative, this is not healthy and it has been proven that it causes problems with the off-spring - inbred children can suffer a multitude of mental and pysical problems :(
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #16
And ı have to add one more thing, except the 3rd 4th generation turks who borned abroad, The Turks who moved to Europe has one common thought/dream/plan stocking money as much as they can or retiring abroad with a good pension then turning back to Turkey one day. :) They even dont think to live abroad, they dont have fun of exploring a new culture. And this way of thinking cause problems like Adaptation.
mephias 11 | 304  
29 Dec 2008 /  #17
Mephias, Do u really believe what u said?:) You know the reality as well as me.There r families u can never ever persuade for such marridge.

I really believe and I also have an example in my family and saw many other examples from my friends. Of course there are families you can never persuade. But it is extreme condition you can see in any nation or religion.

Yeah, u can persuade some families with a condition '' wife will convert religion to İslam'' . :) Really Funny!

First you must be more respectful. I think this comments is about your point of view of reality or maybe you only have knowledge about underdeveloped areas of Turkey.

What I am trying to explain if you really decided to do something, if you want to live your life you can persuade your family this won't be a problem. They'll anyway respect your decision because They'll also won't want to lose you. It all depends how brave you are.

And the problem of lovewithpolish is not his family. There is even no pressure as he even haven't told the situation to his family.
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #18
just don't perceive Turkey as being a "poor" country, I've only visited once but found it an easy place, you know we even have poverty in the UK and people have hard lives, it's no different.(

I didnt say Turkey is a poor country.Of course it is a super power when u compare with Irak, Pakistan, Afghanistan, or any african country :D But infact it is as rich as Poland. :) Like every polish youth who wants to move UK or USA, Turks dream it too :)

And the problem of lovewithpolish is not his family. There is even no pressure as he even haven't told the situation to his family.

What is my comments connection with being unrespectful? When people change others religions by force it is respectful but when ı tell the reality is it unrespectful? And what is my point of view? İf u noticed at the beginning I told that, it is a middle anatolian turkish style what the guy told us.So I m commenting here about undeveloped parts of turkey and conservative parts.and the only city which doesnt suit this crieteria is İstanbul,and a little bit İzmir :)

Good that u showed another common property of turks that İn Website forums we cant stop arguing eachother :D coz we cant stand opposite thoughts :).

Yeah, the guy hasnt told his parents that he is with a polish girl yet.İt is more pathetic situation than we discuss.Because of pressure he cant even tell them.
mephias 11 | 304  
29 Dec 2008 /  #19
What is my comments connection with being unrespectful?

Only saying "funny" is unrespectful.

showed another common property of turks

Why are you doing this much generalization ? This thread is about a specific problem of a person and You have nothing to say about the issue and only making tones of generalizations. Some of them may be true but in most cases generalization won't help people to know what is good and it leads people to wrong directions like racism.
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #20
I made my comment about the specific issue.I adviced the guy to break up with the girl and continue happy life with parents.Or choose girl and live abroad away from country & family.No other solution is available for his situation.I didnt do generalization, ı just said the reasons why a family behaves like that to be able to support my advice, ı put my proof on table :)

generalization won't help people to know what is good and it leads people to wrong directions like racism.

So to avoid Racism we should keep hiding our bad sides or discuss on them and try to change them?
mephias 11 | 304  
29 Dec 2008 /  #21
No other solution is available for his situation

Ok We separated only at this point. In my opinion it is quite possible to convince his family if he really wants it (Of course this depends on character of him). Of course this is my opinion.

So to avoid Racism we should keep hiding our bad sides or discuss on them and try to change them?

We should try to change it personally. We can only blame person who is responsible for every individual incident. We should avoid blaming nations because of individual mistakes again in my opinion.
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #22
Now ı have only one question left, waiting it to be answered, R u Turkish lovewithpolish? İf not pls tell me your country which makes me feel that I m at home with this smilarity :)
torajima - | 18  
29 Dec 2008 /  #23
Although I am not Muslim, my advice for the original poster is to slowly introduce the idea to his parents. Pick the more lenient parent, throw out some hypotheticals and see how she or he reacts. Be calm and rationalize with that parent and see if you can get them on your side to convince the other. If you really love this girl it's worth trying and if it doesn't work out, well, you're pretty much in the same position you're in right now (although with some hard feelings).

I'm Korean and a cousin of mine married a Vietnamese guy she met in San Francisco. Korean folks are pretty hard headed, perhaps even as hard headed as Polish folk.

=)

Her parents did not show up for the wedding and there was a rough period of time between my cousin and her parents but eventually (when they had a child) things got patched up. If you really think your relationship with her is worth it, I'd suggest trying.
OP lovewithpolish 1 | 4  
29 Dec 2008 /  #24
I'm not Turkish...

I am from Bangladesh.

Religion is not the problem but culture.

SHELLY: I can understand why you hate Muslim or Pakistani

I have no hate towards any religion. For me all religion is equal.

I am muslim but at the same time i celebrated christmas with my girlfriend family this year in Poland.

The problem is in our culture it's extreamly rare (1 out of 10,000) marry foreigner.
but i love my gf alot.
I will not leave my girl friend but what if spend rest of the life with her but my family will never know about her.

I want to go back too my country so, i can have better future there. My father is a well known MP and industilist who want me to take over his industry when he retire but if i am with my GF i've to stay in Europe forever..

You guyz don't know how our culture and tradtion is..

I love my country but hate how some people prejudice against us living in western
country

Please i need honest advise from someone who is in same situation like me...
mephias 11 | 304  
29 Dec 2008 /  #25
I love my country but hate how some people prejudice against us living in western
country

I am very sorry lovewithpolish. You are right it is really such a prejudice and your situation is quite different than what it is supposed to be. And I think it is also very good proof that shows it is never true to reach a point with generalizations.

But again I think you should try your luck with your parents. Anyway you are their children and they may be more considerate about your situation than you thought.
noimmigration  
29 Dec 2008 /  #26
I love my country but hate how some people prejudice against us living in western
country

How many westerners live in your country ?

how many westerners have bombed you country ?

we dont want you living in pour country because we want to live with our own kind.

why dont you go to bangladesh and live ?

we didnt ask you to come here.
OP lovewithpolish 1 | 4  
29 Dec 2008 /  #27
i wanted to go back but only because of my GF i'm still here. i've better future there. I can spend my entire life without working

LOVE HOLD ME BACK... you don't know wht love is...

grow up man
morella 11 | 65  
29 Dec 2008 /  #28
I'm not Turkish...

I am from Bangladesh.

Wow, I m surprised..I see that asians r same more or less ;)

SHELLY: I can understand why you hate Muslim or Pakistani

How did u figure out that he/she hates Muslim or Pakistani, she/he didnt say anything like that, she/he just shared her/his opinions about the topic.
rock - | 460  
29 Dec 2008 /  #29
Wow, I m surprised..I see that asians r same more or less ;)

We call your approach ''çevir gazı yanmasın'' in Turkey.
You have to admit that you are a bad predictor which did not surprise me.
Krakowianka 1 | 243  
29 Dec 2008 /  #30
Is being a habitual liar part of the muslim religion? 2 years is an awful lot of time to be feeding lies to your family, and especially to this girl wasting time with you.

You should tell you parents who you really are, how this "Modern muslim" spends Christian holidays with a POLISH girl. Stop being a sissy and man up.

Then tell your girl about how you lied to her for 2 years. I think the situation will resolve itself once she finds out you are a sissy & liar.

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