Smitten and Wondering

No lectures on fidelity, religion, etc. please. I just want opinions from married guys (or single girls) who may have been through something similar or someone who will just "know" or "can tell". Sorry for the long post but I have to put it in writing to help me talk it out and get it off my chest.

So there's this cute Polish girl in her 20's (100% my "type") whom I used to see every now and then at a place in our neighborhood where she used to work and at my church about once a year. Whenever we saw each other, we always exchanged smiles. I don't know too much about her because we never spoke before. I'm an usher and last Easter mass I there was with my wife (so she knows I'm married) and I asked her and her sisters to bring up the gifts and while we were standing there, I asked her her name and I told her mine. And that was the first and only time we have ever spoken to each other.

Fast forward to last Saturday when I saw her at mass again. We were by ourselves and we did the usual smile and wave. I was so happy to see her again that when mass was over I waited for her outside. She saw me, her face lit with a smile, she came up to me and gave me a hug. A nice, close, kinda "I missed you" hug. Not a hug you'd give a co-worker or acquaintance. Most of you will say "relax dude, it was just a hug", and it very well could've been just that, but mind you over the years of seeing each other in-person here and there, there was never EVER any physical contact of any kind. Maybe because we were never alone together because every other time she was busy working or I was with my wife. I know people can be friendly, but this was so very odd. I told her, (her name), right? She said yes and then I said "I never forget a pretty face". She smiled and said thanks :-) We spoke briefly, wished each other a Merry Christmas and gave each other another what seemed to be another boyfriend/girlfriend-like hug. I wish so badly I would've asked her to give me her number so we could stay in touch.

After regretting that, I just had to try and get in contact with her because who knows when I'd see her again. I leave nothing on the table so I went to the place where she used to work and found someone who is still friends with her. I gave her a piece of paper with my name and number on it and told her that I saw her in church last week, forgot to get her number, would like to stay in touch with her, and if she wouldn't mind giving it to her. She said sure no problem!

This was last Sunday and I haven't heard from her but I don't even know if her friend gave it to her yet or not. I wouldn't even have posted this or have the feelings I do if it weren't for those unexpected hugs. Which were the best hugs I ever got and I'm not just saying that. I don't know what came over me, but ever since then I can't stop thinking about her. I mean like almost every waking moment. And women know. This past week my wife's been asking me "what's wrong?", "why are you depressed" and "are you happier yet?" No issues with her, it's totally me. In our many years of marriage I have never gone astray or even pursued anyone even though I could've initiated something countless times. Girls are constantly smiling at me and my wife knows it and is cool with it. But this time it's different. I can't explain it. If she never contacts me, so be it and hopefully time will heal.

But in the mean time I'm thinking of going to see her friend again this week and see if she gave it to her or not--especially with the holidays and all. Even without the holidays, I don't know how often they see each other. I don't know what to expect even if we did start talking, but that's all I want for now; is to just stay in touch with her. If I knew she got the message and didn't contact me for whatever reason, then I will exit Fantasyland and come back down to earth. Until then, the curiosity is absolutely killing me. I know I'll get my answer once I see her friend again, but in the mean time, what do you guys think?

And how old are you?


I think you're a piece of sh1t and a scumbag and I feel sorry for your wife.


What do you want then? A pat on the back? A blessing to cheat on your wife? An advice on how to do it so your wife wouldn't know? lol

Sorry, but you're sickening to me...

How would you feel if your wife was doing what you're doing now?

Do you have kids?


And if she will? If she's going to be interested in you - what then? Are you going to cheat on your wife? Or will you man up and tell your wife the truth?

Did you talk to his wife? Maybe she is a gambler, a drug addict, and an unfaithful drunk ...

@Novichok, no, but Scorpio411 wrote himself that it doesn't have anything to do with his wife, so I'm guessing, based on what he wrote, that his wife isn't any "gambler, a drug addict, and an unfaithful drunk":


What's more, it looks like his wife cares about how he feels:

He is lying or never grew up. That "I do" doesn't mean "...until I get bored".

Cheating never ends well.

As a married man I can tell you, forget her before you ruin your marriage and your life. She was sent by satan to ruin what God has prepared for you. Would you really exchange a hug, a kiss or a one-time stand to destroy yourself and your family?

Do not do it, it's not worth it. Your every move will have consequences. Such women prey on weak men, but she doesn't know or you may not know you are strong enough to say "No. Sorry, I'm married and I don't want to wreck my life."

There is nothing to tell, after all, nothing has happened yet.

@Alien, sorry, but haven't you read anything what Scorpio411 wrote? A lot has happened already. If I were his wife, I'd be heartbroken already. That's one thing.

Another thing - if he continues on this path, a lot more may happen. And that's what I meant when I wrote: "Are you going to cheat on your wife? Or will you man up and tell your wife the truth?"

@Paulina


As you can see, nothing has happened yet.

She's got his emotions by the balls already. It's much more than "nothing."

I think you don't understand. By "A lot has happened already" I meant what has happened in Scorpio411's heart (or pants or both). He got interested in another woman. To such an extent that, as he writes: "I don't know what came over me, but ever since then I can't stop thinking about her. I mean like almost every waking moment."

It sounds like he fell in love with another woman. And it looks like he wants to turn his fantasty into reality. He's actively seeking it.

He already cheated on his wife - in his heart.


Exactly.

He doesn't even know if she's interested in him. And it is very likely that he will never check it. The stupidest thing he could do right now is tell his wife about it.

It doesn't matter. He's interested in her. That's enough.


I didn't write that he should tell her now (although as a wife - I'd rather know). But if he doesn't get over it - and he still feels like cheating on his wife - then he should tell her.

Thou shall not commit adultery.

Never! Women remember everything forever.

Why? If Scorpio411 isn't able to get over his infatuation and decides to cheat on his wife, it means his marriage is over anyway.

@Scorpio411

Since you are an active member of your parish, ask your priest what his thoughts are on your predicament since he knows you better than any of us.

Interesting proposition.
Assuming it is a true story I would say it depends if you have children or not. If you do, just suck it up and find yourself a hobby, something you would like to do and if your wife complains about it tell her to shut it and count her blessings.

On the other hand, that is if you don't have children, learn more about that girl before you take any further steps and then I guess it is up to your conscience if you choose to go for it.

Assuming of course there is anything there, as all this seems rather strange.

By the way - whatever you do don't tell your wife anything on the subject - that is a hard-won experience talking.

Well that sounds nice.


I'm not married, but otherwise can probably imagine what you are thinking. As a guy, my advice in a spherical vacuum would be pretty simple and probably disgusting to the women here.

You're gonna think about her till the day you die, if you don't do something. However, you could also sleep with her once - and see if you feel any different. If you get that sudden "post f*ck" clarity of "Jesus Christ what was I thinking", then you'll save yourself a lifetime of second guessing yourself. On the other hand, if nothing changes, and those hugs still feel like the best hugs ever - you'll also know you gotta do something.

None of this is very fair towards the wife, of course. The most fair thing, would be to divorce her, and then go and try your fortunes out in the wild world. Something tells me you're not willing to take such an unhedged risk. Hedging the risk through exploiting wife's ignorance - well that's the oldest story in the book.

Then he should decide whether he wants to stick around or not and act accordingly and not trying to fool around


This has nothing to do with love. He likes how she looks and that hug gave him a notion he actually has a chance and here we are.


Not necessarily. I don't think he would be mature enough to safe his marriage though.


I think you should evaluate your life/marriage outside of the recent lust and see how you feel about it. If you think your marriage is generally a happy one and you love your life forget the girl, work on your marriage and hope for the best.

If you feel the marriage is over no matter what happens with the girl talk to your wife now,

He may repent and decide to drop his stupid fantasy. Telling his wife will make it a lot harder, if at all possible.
Admitting sins is stupid as there is no upside to it.

Scorpio411 wrote pretty bluntly that he doesn't want any "lectures on fidelity, religion, etc."

I don't think he has any dilemma about whether to cheat on his wife or not. He wants to do it. His only "problem" seems to be whether the girl is interested or not.


To be honest, it seems to me that his marriage has been dead already for some time - at least on his part. He doesn't seem to give the slightest f*ck about his wife... and it looks like he's been interested in that Polish girl for some time now. He claims he wouldn't feel the way he does if it wasn't for those two hugs, but I think he's lying to himself. He's been seeing her "here and there" for years, as he wrote, and even before those hugs he was "so happy to see her again" and he was the one who waited for her outside after the mass - he decided to make the first move, he was the one wanting to interact with her. So, my impression is that this crush, or whatever it is, has been going for some time now.


You're probably right...

So, according to you, Mr Conservative and Catholic, it's OK to cheat on your spouse if you don't have kids?


Why am I not surprised... lol 🤢

What the cheater's new love ignores is that he will do it to her. Every woman thinks she is special.

See, you are not even my wife but my ex and you still think it is all right to pick on me for no reason at all.

You accosted me first here, that's the fact.
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Ask any married dude and he will tell you the same. Telling your wife anything is like giving up your Miranda warning.
If you tell your wife anything it is going to be used against you time and time again until the end of time, you can bet your life on it!

So, stop your nonsense as you don't know what you are talking about.

That was pure genius.
My wife - we are still married and love her dearly - still remembers the stupid crap I said 50 years ago.

I really wonder, what was the evolutionary benefit of giving women such elephantine memory? Feel we coulda done better with it.

You won't distract me with your fantasy nonsense :)))


I didn't "accost" you, I asked you a simple question. Why didn't you answer it? :)


It is not about "anything" though, we are discussing a particular issue - the guy wants to cheat on his wife. That means his marriage is in deep crisis. Maybe it's even over already. And if it is over - then his wife has the right to know. Because he's just wasting her time/life.

Perhaps, perhaps he will cheat on her, or maybe he won't. Perhaps there are more issues there and maybe there are no issues at all.

It is a theoretical exercise on our part here and there is no reason to get emotionally involved as you do.
Have you been cheated on a lot?
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Oh, come on you can come clean about it on PF with anonymity ensured to some degree. Don't play coy.
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Just for you, I will answer that question but don't you dare to turn on me and play a victim again. I'm going to scream if you do.

I think it is not my business and I don't like to tell people what to do. However, if kids are involved that is a different matter, kids should not suffer from adults' actions and kids need a father and a mother in their life to develop properly.

Today, those are menstruating persons.