Relationship Issues with my polish girlfriend advice needed

Her age, having kid at 19, when in fact women should have children around that age.
Unless she ìs ready to abandon her son, she is not a catch and won't do much better if at all.
Someone must feeding her porkies, some female friend i guess.

That is not an excuse, that is explaining why she feels the way she is feeling.


For one she might not be looking.
Second, we don't know what catch she is capable of and what she might consider better.

you need to check out this channel.... sort of manospheric stuff but more sober and less misogynistic than most, very unjudgemental too

youtube.com/@psychacks

esp this on monkey-branching

youtube.com/watch?v=OP9MOzNGxvM

or this (romance is a poor man's game....)

youtube.com/watch?v=W1cbqMhYMSo&list=PLbSa9Z40CfLtSsfRV68WgaZvWo8wR6gPv

@Lenka
No, she is feeling ambitious. Fueled by some male attention and/or same female friend ego massage that went down the wrong way. Should feel a need to grow up and face up her responsibility.

Maybe. But that is big assumption.
Even in that case things remain- she is unhappy know and doesn't love the guy.
Would you want to stay with a women that is unhappy with you and said she doesn't love you?

@Lenka
Sure, happy not happy that just female nonsense, men that put up with that crap are tools.
She has family to take care for. That her happiness, would she destroy her own son in the name of a fleeting feeling?
Would that make her happy? That sick.
Unless she goes making a clean break and never show her face again.

Parents braking up is hard on kids but there is plenty that are not destroyed.
She will still look after her kid, the father seems a good guy that will be there for his son as well..


And what could he do to 'not to put up with that crap'?

Human nature and behaviour isn't nonsense, and of course if there's female nonsense, there's male nonsense too.


I doubt she plans to do that. If anything, both parents seem thoughtful and are putting their kid first.

Hard to know how your musings help the OP.

@Lenka
That is a lie that women absolve themselves from taking responsibility for their harmful and destructive actions.
What? Don't listen to it. Too much time on your hands. how about we switch, now you pay bills.
@jon357
There are no solutions, if you think you can help by posting some feedback on a forums that delusional.
The only help was a fact op vented and possibly it made him feel better.

Or observations and comments coming from the kids themselves (when they grow up).


It seems she is already prepared to pay for herself- once they split she will pay her way. So what's next?

@Lenka
No she doesn't. You know it too. If you want to talk stop trying to gaslight me every turn.

The guy himself is saying she is planning to go full time work so she can support herself. Every women I know that split with their partner is supporting herself independently. The only one I know that tried to get the alimony is where the guy cheated and left her.

I'm not gaslighting, I'm disagreeing with you.

In Russian, there is a saying: «насильно мил не будешь», or "even when forced to, you won't be able to be sympathetic".

What this aphorism means, I think, is that one cannot love, or return to love, if there is absent a connection of the souls. There has to be mutual attraction.

It's always hard to hear that somebody does not love you. Can make a guy want to shoot himself. However, trying to be extra charming and romantic, is not the answer. This is the definition of what I wrote above. You are trying to force somebody back into love, and that never works.

Go find someone that will love you for the guy you are, not the guy you can "turn on" in an emergency situation in an attempt to save your family.

Kids feel the happiness of their parents very acutely. They know if you are miserable, and it reflects on their own development. It's not really doing them any favors to power through a sh!t relationship for their sake.

No, they shouldn't, actually o_O That's not a good age for having kids.


You make it sound like it's just women who leave husbands and men don't leave their wives for a "younger/better model", etc. - now THAT'S a complete nonsense :D

biologically from around 18-27 is ideal.... it does put a crimp in a career if that's important for a person...

My own opinion is that once you have a kid they come first, and some wishful thinking aside research shows kids really don't want their parents to split (except in situations involving things like physical abuse or destructive mental illness)

mommy feeling she's missing out and going out with random men will not make the son feel good...
neither will daddy hooking up with random bimbos because he's hit middle-aged crazy
if the parents can be civil and occasionally affectionate to each other... it's better for them to stay together.

Human beings aren't made up only of bodies, maf. People at 19 aren't mentally and emotionally mature enough to become parents - that includes girls. When sh1t happens, sh1t happens, but saying that girls "should" have kids at that age is plain stupid and irresponsible.

healthline.com/health/womens-health/childbearing-age

"Experts say the best time to get pregnant is between your late 20s and early 30s."

There is also emotionally, financially...


Want to is one thing. Getting destroyed by it is another. Especially since more and more parents see the importance of making the process as peaceful as possible. And since more fathers keep significant role in their kids life.


But mommy that is not feeling depressed, that has the energy and willingness to play and do staff will do.

When my nice split up with her ex if was actually her friends that saw her after a long time said:

- Wow, you look so happy and you are smiling so much.

And recently she noticed that since the break up she doesn't seem to get angry.

they have for centuries.... the thing is that also, in an extended family situation, a lot or even most of the care of the baby is done by older relatives....

Of course not.

Being, however, the only child of a marriage that has died may well be the worse of two options.


Why do you think either of them would do that?

Speaking in general.... the idea of the individual as perpetual consumer who should chase 'fulfillment' has done tremendous harm to any society that accepts it....

Once you have kids, they come first and just not loving a non-abusive, non-mentally ill or non-addicted spouse is not a good enough reason to inflict a parental separation on children.

But that lack of love has a lot of influence on other things. Including the kids. Parents for example treat a kid inappropriately. Making them their 'buddy' against the other parent, or a semi-partner.

And then at what stage can parents brake up? What is the age?

I heard about quite a few instances when it was the growing up kids that told their parents to let it go finally e.g. know a guy who told his mother she should divorce when he was 14 (non abusive, not ill etc)

All kinds of things were happening for centuries that shouldn't be happening (and are still happening in some places in the world, trust me).


Sorry, maf, but we have only one life and I can't really blame people for trying to be happy (by that I mean finding love again, for example, and not chasing after "bimbos", etc.). That's one of the reasons why I think starting a family at such a young age is a bad idea. If she wasn't so young when she had a kid, maybe she wouldn't feel like she missed out on something. And people may change a lot, their perspective may change a lot between 19 and 29. She was an inexperienced girl then and now she's an experienced woman and she probably knows now what she wants in life... At least that's my guess.

Perhaps, however the OP doesn't come across like that (they both seem decent) and a misalliance can be a miserable thing for those concerned, including any child.

again I'm thinking in terms of generalities... those in stable circumstances can safely engage in behavior that, when normalized, is catastrophic for the more precarious parts of the population (Kamilek....).


Nothing described really comes up to 'miserable'.... like you said, Lucy Jordan.... vague unease at the onset of middle age....


Children observe their parents like hawks and I'm sure he'll pick up on the meta-message of her behavior (whether she intends it or is conscience of it or not) "Mommy would have been happier without me...."

You think she can keep that from her son?

But we're not discussing some Pakistani village girl, but a Polish girl living in the UK in the 21st century with no family close by to help. And in my opinion kids shouldn't be primarily raised by older, tired grandparents, but by mature enough parents. I wouldn't want to have a mother who's still a kid herself.

Btw, maf, do you propose that a 29-year-old woman and a 39-year-old man live in celibacy in such a dead marriage for... how long exactly? Until the kid turns 18? Or should they have sex with other people? You think the kid wouldn't know if they did that?


I have no idea if she ever regretted having a kid at that age or not and if the kid could sense that or not. It's possible, but I'm not psychic. Are you?

Which ended up with her either committing suicide or being sectioned, depending on your interpretation.

I'm not sure that something that could end a marriage can be called "vague unease' unless someone is attempting to be rhetorical in a particularly callous way


Even in cultures where extended families are the norm, parents are still expected to play a big part.

@jon357, the fact that they're expected to play a big part, doesn't mean they're fit for that at a young age.

She's hit 29, feeling she's missing out on something (what? can she even articulate what she wants?)

That's a very poor reason for ending a stable relationship and possibly putting the child's emotional well-being at risk.... (for me even possibly doing that is reason enough to not go through with it).

And... it all seems a bit suspicious. My guess is she already has someone and has been using 'going out with her friend' as cover....

People who can't even bother to get married once they have a son tend to not be great decision makers (hate on me all you want for that...)

And it doesn't mean they aren't.

It's worth mentioning that in countries with a tradition of extended families, people often have kids later for the same reasons that the extended family is so important. Lack of support from the wider community like 500+, free access to education and free medical care.

And you mentioned Pakistan, where fathers are expected to play a big role in raising their kids.

You're going off topic though, as is Maf, Ironside, etc. There isn't anything to suggest that the OP is bringing up his child in an extended family. The important thing is his question; he's obviously under a great deal of stress.

It does look like the relationship has drawn to a close.


If that is the case, the OP should certainly end the relationship. Unless he's prepared to have an open marriage which of course maybe something that would appeal. His partner can't take the child out of the U.K. without his consent if they arrange custody correctly so there's no danger of her returning to Poland with the kid.

And it's her choice, so she should take responsibility for the consequences...