Relationship Issues with my polish girlfriend advice needed

Hi
Im looking for some advice if anyone can help. im starting from the begining so please excuse the long post

I have been with my girlfriend for just 10 years now, she is polish and i am english, we are not married its not something that we are bothered about.

she is 29 and i am 39. we have an 9 year old boy together.
to start with our relationship was brilliant although difficult because she got pregnant really quick into our relationship. we never really had the honey moon period per say where you get to spend time together as a couple and falling for each other, we were thrown straight into family life, we moved in together and immediatley started seeing each others bad habits which when you have gone through the whole dating and year long relationship isnt that bad but when you do it within months of seeing each other is not attractive.

anyway we batted on and i worked while she was mothering our baby and when he was old enough he went to nursery and she started working part time.

We dont have family or friends close by so we never really spent time together alone going out etc. we always did things as a family.

we had some bumps in the road but we got through them.
fast forward to the present and she still works partime whilst studying and this has been like this for the last 3 years, which i get because she wants to better herself.

so i would leave for work at 6am and return at 17.30 she would drop our son to school go to work and then pick him up after. she cooks dinner for us and then we eat when i come home.

she would then study (online at home) and i would do the housework do homework with our son and do things with him, either his football lessons or his music lessons.

on the weekend we would both clean the house and do something as a family, and on the second day she would study for most of it.

we always go on holidays and family fuctions xmas birthdays etc together.
she has friend she met around 4 years who also has a child similar age to ours, she meets with her quite often and goes out for coffee and sometimes for drinks with her.

she missis her party years because she fell pregnant during thoose best years and im ok with her going out with her friend to try and make up for it and have a good time.

over the last year our personal relationship has died down,. i love her to the moon. she really is my everything, but recently she has told me she doesnt love me any more, she is really beautiful and attractive so i know she gets lots of attention, but she would never cheat on me she is not like that in the slightest, she has said that she doesnt feel like she loves me anymore, and she thinks we should separate or not live together(stay together but live in separte houses).

i was absolutley heart broken when she said this, i as most guys would think immediatly thought that there is another guy involved, but she really doesnt have the time for anything outside of the above with the studying and work, we have no time for each other so i dont think she has the time for someone else.

i put it down to our hectic start together, not getting the chance to know each other to start with properly before moving in together and the whole crazy lifestyle of work studying and family life. and being in the same routine the last 9 years.

i want to take her out, i want to take her dancing and drinking and have a good time and try to live the whole get to know you again part, because even though we have been together for so long as couple we have not gone out with each other as much, either she would go with her friend i would look after our son or i would go out and she would look after him.

i believe that our family is worth saving and i will go to any lengths to do that, to make her fall in love with me agian, but at the same time i dont want to be selfish and hold her back.

im absolutley devastated about this and i think its because we have just got into a boring life routine with no time for each other that we have got to this point.

she is polish through and through and i need advice from you guys if this is the end and she wants to move on, or what should i do to try and get her to fall back in love.

we respect each other alot and i dont want to pressure her by being a sudden overbearing romantic showering of gifts flowers and nice messages every day, im lost to be honest and i need some polish peoples advice as our cultures do differ in these situations, i dont want our family to break up, her studies finish in 3 months and i was hoping to get our life back on track and rekindle our relationship.

please your opinions and advice are valuable to me.
thankyou for taking the time

Almost no woman leaves a stable, non-abusive relationship with a child just because she "doesn't love (you) anymore" especially since Poland has a more.... stable, less giddy-romantic view of relationships in general....

She either has someone else already or is pretty sure she can tie a particular guy down once she's free of you. My bet is the first and the question is has she already been unfaithful or is she waiting to get you out of the picture.

There's also the idea that the 'friend' (married? single? what?) has been poisoning the well

Trying to win her back through romance will not work. Read that again. Trying to win her back by acting romantic will not work and will only make you seem weak and unappealing....

What might work is a tough and uncompromising approach. Begin treating her as an ex and make it clear you're ready to move on. Don't show emotion. Be firm and businesslike.

She doesn't love you? Fine. You're tired of her sh!t too. You need to make it clear that your priority is your son. Nothing is as dangerous to children as a single mother's new male partner. Make it clear you're not going to let her put your son in danger.

I know quite a few that did just that. My niece couldn't be happier after she finished her relationship.


And how is he going to do that?

While I agree new guy is a danger you can't reasonably stop her from forming new relationship.

If it's true that she just has enough of the relationship then neither fighting for it nor being 'tough' will not work.

If it's her way of trying to wake him up to something then that will kill it off.

OP- you sound decent so I'm sorry about your relationship. The only thing that will work is talking with her.

The idea is to put her on the defensive... she needs to prove she's putting the son (and not some rando boyfriend) first....


to what precisely? it would be a very odd way of waking him up to anything except the idea that she thinks she can do better.... he should make it clear.... she can't (29 years old with a nine-year old son is not going to make her prize dating material.... which is why I think she already has someone).

@mafketis thankyou for you reply
i thought similar in terms of why do you want to end it, we have a house we both have jobs our son has his friends school everything is balanced.

i trust her that she hasnt done anything with anyone because she is a rubbish liar and i have asked her, she really doesnt have time to go meet people and goes out with her friend once every now and again. but its not to say she is talking through social media to someone, i dont know.

Her friend has a long term partner and she also has children to him.
Would treating her like an ex work, im not bad looking and she knows i would be able to get someone else so if i took that approach would that not kind of encourage her to take the same route?

i have already made it clear that his well being is my priority and i believe its in his best intrest that we stay together as a family. im a good dad that has supported my family throughout, and she is a brilliant mum. And this is one of the main reasons im wanting to keep it together and swing her back around. we are still together and im wanting to change her mind about separating.

There's what you could call Lucy Jordan Syndrome.

If you aren't familiar with the song (at 39 you might not know it), Google it.

" The morning sun touched lightly on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
In a white suburban bedroom
In a white suburban town..."

The grass is greener on the other side. 29 is young but becoming a real adult and 39 is an odd age with a lot of angst.

Maf gives good advice and Lenka does too.

My two pennorth? Your son comes first. Above anything else. Look after yourself too.

Jonathan,
Propose marriage to her and see how she reacts.

i never heard of that and had to google the song :)


this also crossed my mind and i though that she would realise later once the novelty wears off and then comes back, but its smething i dont really want to risk untill i have tried everything i possibly can, including making myself more appealing(dads tend to slack of when comfortable).

i know she still likes me we hug and kiss(quick peck) most days and we watch stuff together whilst hugging so i believe its not totally dead, and as long as i can see a slight flame i will keep trying what ever i can.

thankyou for your words.


thankyou for your thoughts i appreciate it.


i thought about this aswell, not sure how it would go down though.

Please cut down on your quotes, maximum of 3 per post only.

That's your problem right there, no wonder she wants to look elsewhere, take some viagra or something. Actually, maybe try some mdma with your wife. (with viagra)


Do that by being more adventurous and forthright, rather than 'romantic'.


After she says she don't love him? that's incredibly weak and desperate.

Not necessarily, he wants to save his relationship and it seems that he cares about this relationship, so nothing is "weak and desperate".

That should have been the first step when he impregnated her.
That will fix nothing now at this point.
Tell her you want to stick with her for your sons benefit until he is 18.
After that pull up your bootstraps and have an escape plan for yourself.
I heard Ireland has some grounded women that make good partners.
Variety is the spice of life.

Ok, woman's perspective here. I don't think you have a future with her. I have a strong sense that she stays with you at this stage mainly for financial reasons. Polish women are very pragmatic when it comes to relationships. While living with you she has the luxury of being able to work part time only, which enables her to gain a qualification and spend time taking care of her child. When she suggested 'staying together but living apart' did she mention who would pay her rent, bills and expenses? Could she cover all that on her own with a part time job? So she would be happy to have you fund an independent life for her while you get nothing in return - not very nice behaviour. You sound like a very nice, decent person and she's taking advantage of that. I think you need to accept that the romance is over and start talking to her about how to organize the practical side of how both of you can move on. If you don't do that you're going to lose her anyway when she feels she doesn't need you anymore and it will be a lot worse and harder to deal with.

@Atch
I am just lost for words, wish I could contribute somehow but, truly.

No she spoke about her taking a full time job and paying childcare, i would remortgage or sell the house to help fund her get a place, the house is mine however our son would be going with her so i would want him to have decent start but we never spoke fully about the house. im a practical person and i know this kind of move would be expensive and difficult for her. I have supported them from the start as is my duty and she has paid for food shopping, which i dont mind, its natural for me to as a man to support my family. Its has not been a waste for me because we have raised a good kid but i feel like all the effort and sacrifice whilst she studied has gone down the drain, and now her studies are ending it does seem like she is ready to jump ship.

To me it all sounds straightforward if very painful to you.

You had a kid when she was very young and before you two had the chance to decide whether you actually want to go that way. As you did you went straight to family like.

Now the kid is getting bigger and she has time to think. She is still young. She is doing work and school, meeting new people, having a view of a different life and sees that she is not happy with what she has.

Of course there is the option that she is cheating or using you but it seems to me that your life together burned out. Considering her age when it started, her age now, kids age and how long the relationship lasted it is my bet that she just want to end it. I'm really sorry for you but I don'tthink there is anything you can do. Focus on yourself and the kid.


That he should try harder, or be more of a partner, or pay attention to her...There is plenty to choose from. Not saying that it's necessarily a case here.


After 10 years of relationshipshe may as well not want to go to dating.

Nope! No! Nein! and Nie!

Your financial support is for your son, not for her. If she can't swing things on her own that's a her problem, not a you problem (kid can stay with you while she tries to establish herself)

If she doesn't love you then you don't owe her a penny. You will support your son but she never had a ring so she gets no pretend alimony.


That would work if women wanted decent men, but so many of them.... don't....

What the hell?

People have the right to decide the relationship doesn't work. No matter if your partner is decent or not. Especially when you were 19 when it all started!

That would really be her only option.


It would be better to avoid selling so that your son can continue to spend time in his familiar family home with you. It would be less traumatic for him. I know you want the best for your son but be careful about overstretching yourself financially. Remortgaging means many years of paying off a loan and your girlfriend may well move to another town, or even back to Poland. The home you think you will be providing for your son may not happen but you will have the debt.

I think that sadly you need to accept the fact that it's over but just stay as calm as you can and focus on how to do the best for your son. You need time to adjust so avoid discussing it with your girlfriend for the time being unless she brings it up. Get yourself into the right head space and try to be strong.

A problem is that people don't always realise until it's too late.

Sometimes you do have to move on however painful it is,

About the romantic side, people say that if you put a penny in a jar every time you have it off in your first couple of years together and then after that take a penny out each time, you'll never empty the jar.

Relationships can be painful, and sometimes hard to let go.

Romance can be rekindled however that is really really hard and depends on the individuals involved.

i think you might be right


thankyou for this advise i will take it onboard.


i see your point but she fronted half the deposit for the house so i think it would only be fair to give her something back. but this is something we havnt discussed fully yet

maffy told you the same thing only I am only allowed three quotes.
Are you listening my friend.......what EVERYBODY is telling you ?
Rule number one: Accept things the way they are and not the way you want them.
You came here for our opinions, you got them, so lets not beat a dead horse into the ground for the rest of the day/night/week with a pity party.

Go do what ya gotta do !

I appreciate everybodys input. Thank you

@Lenka
People are not like gloves, I dislike this market/capitalist like approach to human beings. Especially towards one's own lifepartner

Considering they spend 10 years together it doesn'tseem to be the case.
While obviously it would have been better if they managed to love and support each other for the rest of their lives it doesn't always work that way.

If my partner stopped loving and caring for me I would rather move on then spend my years in a lie.

Kashub can afford to take an idealistic view of relationships because he's not married. The reality of married life is not always the happily ever after ideal, no matter how hard people try.

In this case, that isn't perhaps the best term.

When a marriage dies, bury it. Otherwise everyone, including kids, ends up miserable.

@Lenka stop making excuses for her. 30 and 10year old
Son she should take a cold ❄ bath .

I'm not making excuses. I'm saying what I think about the situation and her motivation.


What do you mean by that?

You are saying what you think but at the same time you've been making excuses for her.
@Lenka
It meant you have family there, don't destroy it on a whim.

What excuses.


Being in an unhappy relationship is not a whim in my opinion.