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She's muslim and I am christian, will it ever work? Has anyone had similar experiences


___limak____readreverse
8 Mar 2021 #1
Hi

I am looking for advice. I was born in poland and spent my childhood there. When I was 8 we moved abroad. At some point of my life I met a girl and fell for her at first sight because she was shy like me, and I also have to add that she was extremely good looking. She also looked at me. Then one my friends found out that she was muslim, and I was shocked to find that out because she doesn't look muslim (she wears western clothes, sometimes wears dresses in summer, no headscarf, she's white) but she is quite conservative, she doesn't drink and doesn't go clubbing. My friends warned me about her because of our cultural differences and talked bad about her. This didn't stop me, we got together but I still think about their words. She said she'll never accept getting married in a church and doesn't want to baptise our kids. She also said she didn't want a christian boyfriend but that's what happened and we have to accept each other the way we are, with flaws and everything. My friends keep saying she'll never be like a polish girlfriend and that's right, she doesn't speak polish yet we loved each other and understood each other better than our fellow countrymen/women. She still doesn't get on with my friends cause she thinks they're all nationalists since she overheard them talking about her muslim heritage (she's white though) and that she is trouble for me. To be honest I don't give a damn about that, I just love her and that's it. But my family, friends, my people don't like muslims. What should I do? The love she gives to me no other girl has ever given me this kind of selfless, real love. She doesn't want much physical contact before marriage so sometimes it's hard for me yet I still wait for her because I love her. She said I was a serious guy and was happy to have found me.

When we are alone everything's fine and we're alright, when my friends start to talk about her they ruin the idea of love that I have. Why can't I be strong enouughto let go of their words? Do you guys have any advice for me or can you share some similar experiences so that I can compare ourselves to other cases?
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
8 Mar 2021 #2
It surely won't be easy, certainly as long as traditionally bigoted thinking appears to be on the rise
and a sense of humor seems to be ever on the wane!
amiga500 3 | 627
8 Mar 2021 #3
No unfortunately her brothers will cut your throat if they ever find out about you.
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
8 Mar 2021 #4
Not a particularly charitable sentiment now, is it! Tolerance cuts both ways too you know:-)
mafketis 25 | 9,337
8 Mar 2021 #5
Assuming this is real... what is her cultural background.
Islam has a rule that muslim women can't marry non-muslim men.
Some from more secular societies turn a blind eye and I've known of successful female muslim male non-muslim couples accepted by the womens' families.

But around the Arabian peninsula and Pakistan seem to be the most xenophobic in that regard (though any Arab country is liable to harbor that type of bigoted thinking to some degree).

And this is no trivial issue (like a Christian-Jewish couple) as some percentage of muslims will seek to use violence to enforce the rule...
Tread very carefully for both your sakes...
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
8 Mar 2021 #6
Well said, Maf. Xenophobia is not limited to Europe.
Crow 148 | 9,322
8 Mar 2021 #7
I am looking for advice.

Then you came to the right place.

She's muslim and I am christian

Speaking in general, both religions tend to be global ie to spread and rule, so why not. Let she rule you and, you rule her.

Now, difference between your religions is rather in the vision of paradise and hell. See, that what is paradise for Islam is hell for Christianity and vice versa. Fortunately, I am St. Sava Orthodox Christian so we connects our paradise with not just Christ but also with ancestors and my people is specific in that regard. And my people don`t think its cool to have global God. We don`t understand that concept. We don`t understand why would some other people need or must love our vision of God, paradise and hell. We think its primitive to impose those things on others.
OP ___limak____readreverse
9 Mar 2021 #8
Our problem is not religion but how my people don't accept her and how that makes her hate me and my religion,because she says our family will accept me but my friends and family won't
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #9
when my friends start to talk about her they ruin the idea of love that I have

Are you marrying her, or are your 'friends' marrying her?

Why can't I be strong enouughto let go of their words?

Only you can answer that. Do you want a wife, or some crap-sounding 'friends'?
Tacitus 2 | 1,237
9 Mar 2021 #10
I had a muslim gf for two years and while it did not work out, that was due to reasons unrelated to our religions. What you habe to make sure is to set the expectations accordingly. If you are religious and have no intention to convert, make sure to tell her that and also make it clear that you dont want to be bothered by her family about this. Make sure that you don't have any secret resentments. Are you fine with not marrying in a church, or is this something you deeply regret? Because that is something that might come up later during an argument.

As for your "friends", I wouldnt worry too much about them especially if they have never met her.
Crow 148 | 9,322
9 Mar 2021 #11
Our problem is not religion but

She should accept your ancestors and help you endure your mission on this Earth, guide your children. Tell her it's not about religion. It's a tribal thing.
OP ___limak____readreverse
9 Mar 2021 #12
Of course I care more about her than my friends, but I grew up with my friends so we have still some kind of influence on one another.

One things that upsets me is that my dream of getting married in my hometown church in poland will never be fulfilled, because she says she can never put her feet in a church (when she was a child she was bullied by christian kids). And somehow I have started to accept it because I love her. She wants to get married with the civil ritual, in the town council, and wants the party to take place in a local. So no church, no priest, no exchange of promises. And again, it's alright cause I love her. I am really detaching myself from my friends by marrying her. Their girlfriends don't accept her cause she doesn't speak polish and my girlfriend feels weird with them and when we go home she cries cause she can't fit it. I told her it's ok, she's not obliged to and we just have to learn to accept it. I also don'twant to change her cause she isn't trying to change me either. Anyway as I said, when we are alone everything is perfect, when we are woth other we feel bad.
Crow 148 | 9,322
9 Mar 2021 #13
See? It's a question of her supporting you. You yourself have to accept her origins and the rest is on her. You are the man in that relationship.

That way you would be able to admit your children into your family and prepare them to be loyal to their paternal ancestors and paternal ancestors are those that carry a legacy. It is said so in Christianity and in Islam. Explain it to her if she is confused. And our ancient Slavic pre-Christian faith was also founded on this. Even in periods of matriarchate.
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #14
my dream of getting married in my hometown church in poland

The choice of venue always depends on the bride. Even if she were the same religion as you, she may opt for a wedding in her town of choice rather than yours. And since you left when you were 8 and are now presumably an adult, is it really your home town?

no exchange of promises.

In a civil ceremony, there is an exchange of promises; the promise is the core of any wedding ceremony.

Their girlfriends don't accept her cause she doesn't speak polish

Are their girlfriends all Polish speakers? Where do you both live?
mafketis 25 | 9,337
9 Mar 2021 #15
She wants to get married with the civil ritual

Might not be that easy....

islamhelpline.net/answer/3552/a-friend-of-mine-a-muslim-is-due-to-get-married-to-a-non-muslim-they-are-going-to-have-a-wedding-registration-i-am-aware-that-according-to-our-religion-this-wedding-will-not-be-valid

islamqa.info/en/answers/113867/ruling-on-civil-marriage
Tacitus 2 | 1,237
9 Mar 2021 #16
She wants to get married with the civil ritual, in the town council, and wants the party to take place in a local

That does sound like a fair solution.
Crow 148 | 9,322
9 Mar 2021 #17
If she doesn't support your ancestral path, you should maybe consider the possibility to find another wife for yourself and another mother for your children.
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #18
That does sound like a fair solution.

It does, it sounds like the most practical way. It's also the most normal and economical way to get married. Which country do you live in?

islamqa.info/en/answers

That site's fairly full on. A bit like a Christian asking the Plymouth Brethren or a SSPX member for advice.
mafketis 25 | 9,337
9 Mar 2021 #19
That site's fairly full on.

from wikipedia

"the most popular Salafi website in the Arab-speaking world"

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IslamQA.info

and

"By the 21st century, Salafi teachings and ideas have become mainstream that many modern Muslims, even those who do not self-identify as Salafi, have adopted various aspects of Salafism"

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salafi_movement

It's not archaic at all, this is 21st century extremely modern Islam. Wishing that weren't the case doesn't change the fact....
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #20
extremely modern

It's self evident that the bride is extremely modern, certainly more so than the groom who seems to have an idea about a dream wedding in a country he hasn't lived in since early childhood. It would help to know where the bride is from.

Your hardline website doesn't help the OP, especially as the issue is not about nikah ceremonies since the bride (whose school of jurisprudence and/or level of engagement with religion we don't know) has chosen a civil wedding in the town where they live. And if he does have an6 such questions, doubtless he can google them himself.

the most popular Salafi website in the Arab-speaking world"

Exactly. It's Salafi, sometimes known as Wahabi, Basically you've chosen Saudi-based fundamentalists or those funded by them. As I say, like choosing Plymouth Brethren or SSPX. Or Rydzyk with oil revenue.
OP ___limak____readreverse
9 Mar 2021 #21
Yeah it was my dream as a to get married like that with my future wife. But I will have to get over it. As I said, the problem is not religion (she's not religious at all, but she has prejudice over christians), but cultural differences. That prejudice that makes you say something about someone without even knowing them, like my friends when they found out about her.
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #22
That prejudice that makes you say something about someone without even knowing them,

That's something you have to become thick-skinned about.

You should see some of the crap that the crazier posters here say about/to me, hoping to offend or provoke. It doesn't work at all, since I'm a lot stronger than them. You need to understand that **** people say reflects on them, not you. If your friends respect you, they'll be careful what they say around you (unless it's just banter), however people will and do forget and say things without thinking. Is your love for her stronger than your sensitivity to what people say?
OP ___limak____readreverse
9 Mar 2021 #23
Of course I love her more than my friends. But somehow my friends are my social circle, I grew up with them in the polish community when we emigrated.

My girlfriend came later in my life and made me experience love at first sight and made me realize love is possible even with cultural differences. Yet sometimes she comes up with such things, as for instance 'christians are stingy, they care more about money than anything, muslims are more sensitive and altruistic'. It hurts. Even considering the fact that she's so intelligent and knows more than me about my religion. She also says things like a muslim doesn't care if you take some apples from his field, a christian will scold you telling it's his property
jon357 67 | 16,921
9 Mar 2021 #24
I love her more than my friends. But somehow my friends are my social circle,

You'll find equilibrium. It's not always easy, however it's part of growing up.

Yet sometimes she comes up with such things, as for instance

She's young too, that's part of her experience and worldview. Prove her wrong (but do it gently and by example).
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
9 Mar 2021 #25
Probably a Muslim might still have at least a somewhat easier time of it in the long run than a foreígn-born Jew, especially an Israeli under identical circumstances. I base my conclusions on the experiences of several Americans of Jewish heritage my wife and myself have known over many years.
Miloslaw 9 | 3,036
9 Mar 2021 #26
If you are both truly in love, then go for it.But I see nothing but problems ahead......
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
9 Mar 2021 #27
Unless both famílies are unusually tolerant, I'd have to concur.
Cargo pants 2 | 1,103
9 Mar 2021 #28
I am looking for advice.

lol did you get it???Dude if you are grown up enough you will not seek an advice on a random forum but decide yourself.I also needed an advice that what should I wear a underwear or a boxer but I decided myself:))))
Tacitus 2 | 1,237
10 Mar 2021 #29
A question I would ask myself is how big your differences really are and how they affect your daily life. Because what you have written here sounds mostly like stereotypes she may have, which you might also find if you marry another foreign woman.
Lyzko 30 | 7,397
10 Mar 2021 #30
If your underwear's bíracial or multi-ethnic, why the heck not? After all, what are "imperfect" strangers for LOL


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