PAŃSTWO - A Tale of Polish Occupation

Inspired by Kania's kind words - I have decided to serialize my PAŃSTWO chronicles.

As a reminder, this is a fictional record of a Polish occupation of Russia - triggered by an unprovoked Russian declaration of war, followed by their immediate surrender (thanks Grunnie for the idea).

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Internal Call Log - PAŃSTWO Headquarters

April 17 - Day 9 of Polish Presence in the Former Russian Federation

Call between Nikolai Sergeyevich (Head of Cultural Affairs, Ural District) and PAŃSTWO's DUCH (Departament Ujednolicenia Cierpienia i Heroizmu). On the phone for DUCH is Lieutenant Kazimierz Wrzodak.

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Nikolai Sergeyevich:
Good afternoon, Pan Wrzodak. I'm calling again on behalf of the Ural District Cultural Committee. I've been instructed to submit our "Regional Identity Compliance Report," but I'm having trouble answering section seven.

Lt. Wrzodak:
Section seven... that's "Local Expressions of Polishness and Willingness to Participate in the Romantic Struggle Against Invisible Enemies," correct?

Nikolai:
Yes. The form asks us to list "examples of spontaneous Polish melancholy in regional art." Our resident sculptor made a statue titled "Sad Man With Cabbage", but it turns out it was about tax reform. Does that qualify?

Lt. Wrzodak:
It depends. Does the cabbage represent the futility of fiscal clarity in the face of cosmic disorder?

Nikolai (uncertain):
The man is weeping and the cabbage is partially shredded. There's also a receipt nailed to the plinth.

Lt. Wrzodak:
Excellent. That meets the criteria for Class II Symbolic Despair. Proceed.

Nikolai:
Thank you. We also attempted a painting. The initial proposal - Chopin crying in a snowy wasteland - was deemed too abstract. So the team produced a new work titled "Kościuszko Receives an Administrative Summons."

Lt. Wrzodak (suddenly attentive):
Go on.

Nikolai:
It depicts General Kościuszko being handed a stack of official papers by a junior clerk from the Ministry of Seasonal Road Maintenance. Behind him, a portrait of the Virgin Mary is hung slightly crooked. There is a sense that Kościuszko doesn't understand what he's being fined for, but feels morally obligated to accept it.

Lt. Wrzodak (quietly):
That... is magnificent. It encapsulates everything. Duty. Confusion. The quiet humiliation of paperwork. Send it immediately to the Central Registry of Heroic Misunderstandings.

Nikolai:
Of course. I'll have it couriered.

Lt. Wrzodak:
Ensure the Virgin's frame remains crooked. It's essential.

Nikolai:
Yes, sir. One last question - do the official forms in the painting need to reference a real department?

Lt. Wrzodak:
I defer to your best judgement here, Nikolai.

Nikolai:
Perfect. Thank you, Pan Wrzodak. Long live the Commonwealth.

[Line disconnects. A pigeon flies into Nikolai's office window and dies without cause. The paperwork begins.]

Yessss! This is going to be epic :)


:D

I am pasting the pilot episode here, to keep it all in one place.

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The acting governor of occupied Smolensk calls PANSTWO (Polska Administracja Ńowych Stref Terytorialnych Wschodnich i Okolic) - located in Krakow.

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Sergey Ivanovich (Former Deputy Governor of Smolensk, now "Acting Polish Administrator"): Yes, hello... this is Sergey Ivanovich... again. I'm calling from Sector 12-Smolensk Oblast. I have some... questions.

Col. Kowalczyk (PANSTWO liaison for Smolensk): Mr. Ivanovich, we told you yesterday-the kielbasa quotas are non-negotiable...

Sergey: No, no, it's not about the kielbasa this time. It's... other matters.

Col. Kowalczyk (sighs audibly): Go ahead, Acting Administrator.

Sergey (voice trembling): It's about the airport...

Col. Kowalczyk (suddenly serious): Ah. The Sacred Zone. What's the problem?

Sergey: We've fenced off the airport as instructed. But now a group of Polish officials in black suits has arrived. They just... stand there. Staring at the runway. Day and night. One of them whispered, "We watch so history doesn't repeat." Another muttered something about "the winds of betrayal." Should I... offer them tea?

Col. Kowalczyk: Absolutely not! Under no circumstances do you interrupt the Supervision of Fate. Those men are trained professionals. Years of staring into the abyss of Polish history. Just leave them be. If they start weeping, that's a good sign-it means the metaphysical balance is being maintained.

Sergey: Right... of course. Last thing, sir... The locals keep asking when the occupation will end?

Col. Kowalczyk (chuckles): Tell them it already did. Poland doesn't "occupy." We inherit misfortune. Welcome to the Commonwealth, Sergey. Now, get back to work. And remember-every time you feel lost, just ask yourself: "What would a 17th-century szlachcic do?"

You are welcome! :)

While surprised and petrified Ukrainian officials and diplomats try to counter Russian arguments in the media about Ukraines agression towards NATO, much to Polish and western politicians headiches.

A small detachment of Polish police units were sent by plane to remote outskirts of St. Petersburg to get a feeling of realities and seriousness of the situation as it all seemed too absurd.

Upon landing, they were greeted with a lot of pomp and honorary guard (much to their own confusion). Then proceeded to be escorted by a convoy of trucks and cars from the St.Petersburg police district.

Leading member of PIOTR (Polska Instytucja Ochrony Terenów Rosji), Captain Marcin Burak wasn't looking positively at the whole situation.

Upon entering the first village he walked from door to door to get a better understanding of the mood of the inhabitants. Many seemed oblivious to the whole situation and asked about when the post office would back to the village. (The captain confused by this odd question was got the explanation that after the fall of the Soviet Union many of the norms or things that were aveliable got closed and moved to centralised districts to save money)

After a little deliberation Captain Burak started to inform every villager he met next that it will be of national importance to install the first Polish InPost in Russia in this very village!

What InPost is, remained a mystery for the coming days.

Very nice Grunnie.... hahaha!

This is what we should do - write books, instead of slinging insults at each other.

We will need a cover for the book as well. Depending on how the plot develops it will be more dystopian...



... or utopian...



The monument in the middle is the stupid AI's idea of Svetovid. :-/

Checkpoint outside Oryol. A folding table, one broken chair. Rylov (Russian private) and Walicki (Pole - equivalent rank) are manning the station. They've been told to question any travelers and "record suspicious behavior in accordance with DUCH Directive 42/Б." So far, no travelers.

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Rylov:
You ever actually caught someone suspicious?

Walicki (without looking up):
Not really. Closest was an American rabbi, came through with a guide and a translator. Said he was visiting to "check in on the Jewish community."

Rylov:
What did you tell him about the Jewish community?

Walicki:
Told him we just guard the road.

Rylov:
Was he wearing a hat?

Walicki:
Of course. And gloves, even though it wasn't cold. Gave us some brochures.

[Pause.]

Rylov:
So what'd you write in the log?

Walicki:
"Cleric. Foreign. Expressed general concern. Provided literature."

[A man with a bicycle rides past without stopping. He salutes vaguely with two fingers. Neither soldier reacts.]

Rylov:
You think they'll make us fill out the form for him?

Walicki:
Depends. Did he look ideologically consistent?

Rylov:
His chain was rusty.

Walicki (nodding):
That's a good sign. Revolutionaries always oil their chains. They're obsessed with progress.

[Pause. Walicki begins writing.]

Rylov:
What are you putting?

Walicki:
"Subject: Bicycle man. Status: inconclusive. Chain rusty, but honest eyes."

Rylov (with awe):
You should get promoted.

Walicki:
Promotions cost money.

[The wind changes. A dog barks once, then goes quiet again.]

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@Torq

I like the first cover!

5th August (the anniversary of First Betrayal), the regional building of HUJNIA (Historyczny Urząd Jedności Narodowej i Asymilacji) in Władywschód. The Governor of Władywschód and the regional head of HUJNIA, Grzegorz Braun answers the intercom in his office...

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Grzegorz Braun:
Yes, what is it?

Busty assistant:
The Chinese delegation is here, Mr Governor.

Grzegorz Braun:
Ah, the pagans want to pay homage on this sad day. Let them wait an hour or so.

[An hour passes in which the governor browses online fire extinguishers catalog looking for the most suitable models for all HUJNIA-controlled buildings]

Grzegorz Braun *pushes the intercom button*:
Let the chinks in, Ms Kowalska.

[the Chinese delegation enters led by the Governor of Jilin Province, Hui Ping Pong]

Hui Ping Pong:
Oh, most honourable, reverend and exalted excellency, please accept our greetings and salutations on this sad anniversary on which the entire world mourns together with Poland *bows deeply*.

Grzegorz Braun:
Szczęść Boże!

Hui Ping Pong:
To show our respect on this sad day, we come to the ancient city of Hǎishēnwǎi to... *Ping Pong cowers under Braun's angry glare* ... forgive me, Your Excellency, of course I meant Władywschód - we come to the ancient Polish city of Władywschód to assure you of our eternal friendship and to offer you this modest gift...

[two men accompanying Ping Pong step forward and present Grzegorz Braun with a pure gold, diamond-studded, natural-size fire extinguisher]

Grzegorz Braun:
Thank you, governor, Poland will remember this friendly gesture. You may leave now.

[Chinese delegation bows and withdraws from the office; Grzegorz Braun looks at the fire extinguisher and pushes the intercom button]

Grzegorz Braun:
Ms Kowalska, please call Andrzej and Janusz - they have to carry something to the vault again. *sighs and opens the fire safety equipment catalog again*

@Torq

Excellent. I imagined Braun as Gauleiter of Moscow, but Vladivostok should do.


Amazing.

As far as I know, Braun has nothing against Chinese, except for the fact that they are heathen.
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Hmm... That won't do. Poles would never waste resources on some silly concept that would be a Polonification in disguise.
As long as you obey the laws and do not engage in some too obvious monkey bussiness - nobody gives a damn.
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No, he doesn't like Hanukkah.

Gauleiter?! Surely you meant Wojewoda Moskiewski!

This exalted office is already reserved for Zbigniew Stonoga.


He might have something against them as Wojewoda Władywschodni.

He would make a great Voyevoda, that man.... I would follow him beyond the River Styx.

@Torq

Why is it so much easier to write dialogue, than to write narrative prose?

Does this mean that film scriptwriters are inferior to other authors?

Does this mean that Hasek was some kind of an amateur, since Sveik is almost completely dialogue?

I'm not sure if it is indeed easier. It requires a lot of writing skill to write good dialogue. There is an infamous Polish classic novel Nad Niemnem with little dialogue (in overly formal and distant style) and a lot of detailed portrayals of nature, extensive tedious descriptions of everything, and very slow pace. It is universally hated by Polish high-school students while they tend to love Sienkiewcz's Trylogia with lively, witty dialogue and fast-paced action.

Was Sienkiewicz a worse writer than Orzeszkowa or the other way around? Difficult question.


Shakespeare wrote almost completely in dialogue too. ;)

I liked Nad Niemnem.

Couldn't stand trylogia though

0_0

You're the first such person I met.

Do you live in the desert?

....come on....why did the poor pigeon die???

Hardly.

I met people, mostly of leftist leanings, who dislike Trylogia because it romanticizes and idealizes Poland's past (so exactly the reasons why normal people like it), and people who like both Trylogia and Nad Niemnem (the latter because of its sentimentality and love towards the beauty of Polish nature); there are also those who dislike both as well, but the combination of disliking Trylogia and liking Nad Niemnem is a very rare combination indeed. :)

Scene: A small village N. somewhere between Yekaterinburg and Irkutsk. The local Orthodox parish - St. Nicholas the Wonderworker - has been designated for transfer to the Roman Catholic Church under the "Ecclesiastical Realignment Agreement" brokered by PAŃSTWO's religious affairs bureau.

Father Janusz (Polish priest, mid-50s, practical, not overly ambitious) arrives to formally take possession. He finds Father Mikhail (Russian Orthodox, older, tired, kind-eyed) already waiting in the cold vestibule. The church smells of wax and mildew. A stray cat sleeps in the lectern.

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Father Janusz:
You are Father Mikhail?

Father Mikhail:
Yes. You must be Father Janusz.

Father Janusz:
I am. I have the transfer papers. You have the keys?

Father Mikhail (produces them):
Such as they are. The big one sticks. We use a hammer.

Father Janusz (nodding):
That's often the way.

[They stand in silence. Neither makes a move toward the keys.]

Father Janusz:
I am instructed to conduct a formal inventory.

Father Mikhail:
If you wish. But I advise against counting the hymnals. Half were chewed by mice during the last... political adjustment.

Father Janusz:
Understandable.

Father Mikhail:
The iconostasis is original. Except for St. George's face. A soldier borrowed it in 1943 and never returned it.

Father Janusz:
Noted.

[The cat stretches and yawns. Neither priest reacts.]

Father Mikhail:
The parishioners will be slow to adjust. Most cannot tell the difference between Latin and Church Slavonic. They go where the candles are cheaper.

Father Janusz:
That is true everywhere.

[A pause.]

Father Mikhail:
I suppose you will change the calendar?

Father Janusz:
Yes.

Father Mikhail:
They will object at first. Then they will enjoy having two Christmases.

[They both nod.]

Father Janusz:
The bishop in Smolensk requests that any Orthodox relics be set aside for collection.

Father Mikhail:
There is only one relic. A finger bone said to be from St. Euphrosynus. The provenance is questionable.

Father Janusz:
In what way?

Father Mikhail:
The bone is rather large. Some say it came from a horse.

Father Janusz:
I will note it as pending clarification.

[They fall into a companionable silence.]

Father Mikhail:
The parish records are in the sacristy. You will find the attendance figures have been... optimistic. The last census was during Lent, when numbers tend to be higher due to the fasting market closing early.

Father Janusz:
A familiar pattern.

[The cat jumps down and pads toward the door.]

Father Mikhail:
I will remain in the village. I am told there is need of a man who can repair fences.

Father Janusz:
A valuable skill. Perhaps more valuable than theology these days.

Father Mikhail:
It always has been.

[They exchange the keys without ceremony.]

4th of November, A state holiday commemorating the generous gift of land, freedom, and rights to former Russian slaves who used to live under the Moscow yoke.
Bestowed on them by the Polish state.

What happened - not fun anymore? Sorry if I spoiled your fun.

It's hard man. I have to sit for 20-30 minutes writing a post. Then I look at it, and am disgusted with my writing, and infinitely embarrassed I decided to share it.

A proper few paragraphs, if I wanted you to be really impressed - should take days/weeks.

My method is less time consuming...

I start with: "Hey, azzholes,."..and end with "Fvck you...morons". The middle doesn't matter...as long as I feel better...

Is this how you read the Bible?