My polish girlfriend has changed following death of dad..

good post magdalena.

what? so bf/gf is not family? i think invitation still should have been forwarded.. maybe a warning and an explanation of what goes on should have followed it but obviously this poster's feelings have been hurt and that's not cool. the whole world doesn't all of a sudden revolve about a departed. i think this gf's actions are inconsiderate. why wouldn't she want support of someone that she cares about and that has reciprocal feelings towards her?

it depends how serious they are...

this guy's feelings have been hurt, seems serious enough.

There is no set time for grieve to end. It takes some ppl a lifetime to get over the loss of somebody dear. Just be patient with her, be there when she needs you and give her the space she needs. Just act like a good friend and in time everything will be ok. If you instead act like a little child and push her, you will most likely lose her forever. Just act like a good friend, it's the only thing you can do at the moment.

M-G

Just give her some time and space. There's nothing worse than saying "but what about us?" after your mother/father dies. It's ignorant and selfish. Let her have time for herself.

Of course NOT - you do not form romantic relationships with family members, do you? With time, your partner sort of "grows" into your family, but in this case, when the bf did not even know the father, I think the situation is quite clear.

Im being patient but it seems to be a losing battle im felling like i shouldnt call cause i dont want to push but in the meantime im sitting here wondering? i will give it another week then i need to ask if i should part ways or not, I love her very much if this situation has changed her feelings i have no control of another person. its very unfortunate

Give her time to start missing you. Don't worry, it will very probably happen ;-)

interesting. hmm.

...interesting. hmm.

well the party is going on and i do believe her sons father is thier whom she wasnt married too but, he always tries to get back with her over last 3yrs and he is polish from poland as well and knew the father, this is know making me wonder even more...

Face the facts:

1. His son is the late father's grandchild
2. He knew the father
3. He once constituted a part of this family (see 1).

Don't be paranoid. Just chill and let things happen. Don't try to rush anything, or force a decision one way or another.
The Wise Woman of the Internet has spoken ;-)

i appreciate your input but the fear of the unknown is killing me, i understand her head is in another place, but i guess the key is to dont call and let her miss me if she does and stay put. On the flip side what if she doesnt come missing me and what time do i confront her? without being pushy or selfish

Call her in a day or two, or text her... But try to stay in the good friend mode for a while. That's what I'd do, at any rate. And try no to confront her. Just go with the flow. I honestly don't think this is a question of your relationship falling apart. Her world has fallen apart, more or less. This is why you and your relationship seem small to her by comparison.

ok i will take your advice and see what happens....... ill update you this week

I agree with Magdalena. Your girlfriend's world has fallen apart. Not everyone wants to be close to someone else at a time like that. On the contrary, some people feel like they don't want to love again because it hurts so bad to lose someone. That might be why she is pulling away. And she's probably just so sad and she can't be anything for you right now.

If you really love her, you should just call her and ask her how she's doing and let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. You shouldn't leave her unless she asks you to. Her mourning won't last forever.

thats what i have been doing but the way the conversation goes it semms that im bothering her and its hard to keep calling it makes me fell im pushing her away more.

Give her time, people grieve in different ways and it would seem she doesnt want any close contact and you are probably not the only one she is pushing away...

Anger and frustration are part and parcel with greif and maybe she doesnt want to be around you when she's feeling like this....Not everyone wants to be comforted some people find this claustraphobic.

I hope it all works out for you.

thanks shelly its hard cause the more space i give i fell im lossing her more

that's probably true but that's not right.


exactly why i said what i said. i don't particularly agree with shewold or magdalena on this. you need to think of yourself at this point as she isn't thinking about you.

i feel she's really treating you like dirt, and i wouldn't put up with it.


maybe so, but she seems to not be pushing the ex. consider all that when you're thinking about this situation eddie.

she needs him in her sons life i cant pass judgement on that i talked to her today and said that she would be honest if she wants me to move on and she would tell me and not string me along....

my father died 5years ago my mother a year later-my husband at the time (now x-husband) said he would give me 6months to get over it-he didnt give me space-tried to make me feel guilty for grieving-told me to "get back to normal" he meant -think of him and his needs only.

when you loose someone you love you never "get over it" hopefully in time you come to terms with it-you do change-its an inevitable change-you question everything and for a while you loose a sense of reality.

when you loose a parent-you loose security and stability.
if you loose both parents you feel orphaned-alone.

what you need at a time like this is a loving,understanding from those around you-not demands and pressure.

if you love her give her time to heal

so, she wants you or not?


at this wake? really.. hmm


eddie sure hasn't come across as demanding.. some of you, on the other hand, come across as ice queens.

How does the conversation go? Why do you feel you're pushing her away?


It sounds like she doesn't want you to move on just yet, otherwise she would have told you to go. She sounds confused, unsure.

But I think plk123 has a good point. If the two of you had been very close before it would make sense that she would need you right now. Were you very close before? Has she let you visit her or spend time with her since the death?

yes, that is my assumption here based on his hurt feelings as he didn't share much more then that with us. those are good Qs shewolf.

i was thier the day she got back she was a mess went over for easter for dessert we have gone to lunch twice and shopping... we had a little bit of a hard time before she left though but nothing out of ordinary

It took me two years to fully accept my father's death...in that time period, I had horrible dreams, that every thing was fine, that I'd just dreamed he was dead, and there he was - happy, healthy, and teasing me about the waking nightmare.

Then, I'd wake up in his home, and reality would hit me each and every day, that he was DEAD.

I was in a relationship, that I was patching up with the man I loved...and he stood by me initially. I needed him to just be a close friend. A year later, I asked him to marry me (we'd been dating me for 8 years, I finally forgave him for cheating on me). I asked him to move to Southern California with me, and start over. I wanted it to be just he and me.

Sadly, he said, "I can't be a small fish in a bigger pond," and thus ended our relationship. That devastated me on top of my father's death - and then I lost 3 cousins to a 16 year old drunk driver - when their mother tried to talk sense into him.

ALL you can do, is just be there. Don't expect sex - just be a good friend. In the present day, I've lost 17 friends in the last 2 years, and struggling to accept it.

There's only way that has given me any sense of peace, over the last 2 years, especially over losing one of my closest friends and cousins - give the pain and grief over to God. Not easy, but I can't keep wallowing in the pain and the agony of the moment.

I need to live, I need to breathe, and go on. Those who have departed want me to do that, and to keep breaking down every minute would be disrespectful to their memory.

But I do think about them every day, but do my best to turn it to happy moments, not the last moments of their lives.

That is all I can tell you, being a "Polock" myself.

thx for your input plk123 but she broke it off this morning

Thread attached on merging:
thanks for all your help with my girlfriend who lost her dad

I just wanted to thank everyone that gave me advice as well as different views on my situation. My girlfriend has told me that i was to over the top concern and careing it it pushed her away and were down... I know i di what i though was right and its just the way it goes. Thank you again for trying to help me though...

Sorry to hear your news. Sounds like you were too caring, but at the right time I'm sure you will meet someone who will appreciate that.