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My polish girlfriend has changed following death of dad..


eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #1
I was wondering if any polish woman could help me understand? My girlfriends dad died when she went to poland to help him with a illness she came back after the funeral and shes been mourning for 30 days and i respect that! but shes been very distant and angry towards me and wants space saying she doesnt know herself anymore. Can someone help me understand if this is common for polish woman? and how should i approach this
cazza - | 12  
4 Apr 2008 /  #2
I dont think that this is something unique to Polish women, she is grieving and prob just needs some space and understanding from you.
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #3
i just feel we are getting further apart and when i ask her about us she says im stressing her and pushing her.
polishgirltx  
4 Apr 2008 /  #4
Can someone help me understand if this is common for polish woman?

it's the same for everybody when a dad dies....i mean cmon...she's hurting!....

and how should i approach this

give her some space, some time...and be there for her if she needs to talk... don't push her to anything... be patience...

i just feel we are getting further apart

it's not a good time to be selfish...
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #5
im not getting mad at the fact, i know shes upset i just didnt know of the traditions of the mourning period i wanted to be able to understand more thats all, i love her very much
bajka - | 71  
4 Apr 2008 /  #6
its definately more of a woman thing than a Polish thing, my Russian girlfriend packed her bags and headed back to Moscow to look after her mother as she was left alone after her father died...... its more a family thing, and guilt on their behalf !

They feel like they are abandoning the ones they love most......
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
4 Apr 2008 /  #7
i just feel we are getting further apart and when i ask her about us she says im stressing her and pushing her.

Be gentle.
She's not thinking straight now. She's ruled by her feelings.
You have two options:

- keep pushing her and risk breaking up for good
- give her some space and have a chance (not a guarantee) to put things back on track
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
4 Apr 2008 /  #8
Could it be that she feels guilty about being with you when her father was sick.
Maybe she blames herself and possibly you.
All you can do is be there if she needs you and keep your distance when she doesn't. Knowing when, is the difficult bit.

There might be other things on her mind too, but now is not the best time [for either of you] to discuss them.
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #9
thanks z_darius, i have been giving her space just dont want to get to far away. but tomorrow is the 30 day mark and then sunday shes having a dinner with family and all his polish friends here in states i wasnt invited but i understand. are you from polish desent?
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
4 Apr 2008 /  #10
are you from polish desent?

No, but my daughter is.
I am THE descent ;)
cazza - | 12  
4 Apr 2008 /  #11
[

tomorrow is the 30 day mark

That is still not that long so just give her the space she needs, she probably wants to be with family more right now than anyone else
bajka - | 71  
4 Apr 2008 /  #12
Christ, i remember my mother being awkward after my fathers death, which was 3 weeks before my marriage....... she didn't even turn up at my wedding..... beat that !

I agree that space is required until things get settled again.
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #13
thank you for all your advice i guess time will tell

Thread attached on merging:
how long is the mourning process of polish women when they loss thier dad

my girlfriend has been in mourning for 5 weeks is thier anyone who could explain the whole process? polish women please
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
4 Apr 2008 /  #14
In not Polish, but I have lost my dad. Everyone reacts differently, but at the time I was very angry and pushed those closest to me away, even though they were trying to help me, Relationships can seem unimportant at a time like this, even though clearly they are more important than ever. You never really ever get over losing your parents, but time is a great healer so just be as patient as you can and give her the space she needs, whilst reassuring her that you are there for her. However bear in mind that it may be that she decides she cant cope with being in a relationship whilst she is still mourning. Good luck.
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
4 Apr 2008 /  #15
my girlfriend has been in mourning for 5 weeks is thier anyone who could explain the whole process? polish women please

where I come from the official mourning time was one year after the loss of a parent. That doesn't mean pouring ashes on your hair daily, but participation, or degree of participation in some social activities was expected to be pretty low.

I don't think there are any rigid national rules though. It all varies by region, or even by individual family.
miranda  
4 Apr 2008 /  #16
well, mourning takes more that 30 days or 5 weeks. From my perspective I think that Eastern Europeans approach a death of a parent or death at all in a very differetn way than teh Anglo Saxon culture, which I presume the thread author is part of. I have lost my mom and it took me over 2,5 years to be functional again (including having a realtionship with a man), so there you go. We mourn for a long time and it is difficult to be close to a mournign person, since they are really in pain. I have lost some friends beacuse of that , since they could not cope with me while I was mourning.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
4 Apr 2008 /  #17
Losing someone who is close to you is traumatic.. and I dont think her anger is
at you.. Unless of course your expecting her to be her same old self. which is
totally way off.. it is very bad to tell someone to move on.. this happens when
they are ready..

when my father died. I wanted to know what place he was going to.. where would
he be.. at some point I kinda lost my sense of reality, because when they started
to close the cement vault, I became frantic, asking how would dad get out to come home?? ( my brother then had to escort me out to the limo) and I then realized what I had said and leaving the cemetary was the final goodbye.. theres

alot of emotions still going on.. especially if it has been a long time since there
was a death in the family and if its someone so close, and shes not experienced
such a loss then her feelings are totally natural. she is hurting.. its a long healing process..if your expecting, then she maybe is picking that up .. and you wont

know how she feels till you experience the same.. she is still waiting for some
type of closure.. sometimes you just dont feel that because the funerals happen
so fast. and so many people come and its exhausting process , then you sit
and wonder if there was something you could have done to change things.. if
you had been there, maybe seen something.. would they still be alive?

I think the best thing you can do is support her, maybe buy her some roses
or even better idea, create a place for her to go to like a small garden dedicated to her father with a picture ( in some protective plastic ) or something like that

and then say,, this is where I think you should go to be at peace with your
feelings ..

sometimes when we lose someone we forget about the ones still living.. and
its not done on purpose,, your understanding is so important in her healing.

I hope things get better..
bajka - | 71  
4 Apr 2008 /  #18
I have lost some friends beacuse of that , since they could not cope with me while I was mourning.

Well they couldn't have been very good friends then, you're better off without them.
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #19
thank you all for the great advice, im going to let her breathe and know that im here for her and will be until the end!
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
4 Apr 2008 /  #20
Hang on a minute

She lost her dad and wants a bit of space

Give it to her

What sort of man child are you?

Geezus

Some people are so self-centred
bajka - | 71  
4 Apr 2008 /  #21
What sort of man child are you?

Being a man child is good, no ? Better than being a monkey Child or a dog child !

Durhhhh !

Chill dude !
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #22
hey VaFunkoolo, if you could read and its pretty evident you cant i was asking to understand her situation and her traditions ... It has nothing to do with self centerness! man child? only a self absorbed person would come out and say something negative because they feel like they arent worth much. i was here for help not hurt
miranda  
4 Apr 2008 /  #23
Well they couldn't have been very good friends then, you're better off without them.

good point.
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
4 Apr 2008 /  #24
Being a man child is good, no ?

Apparently, not it would seem.

He seems to be winding his girlfriend up with his selfish attitude

Get a grip on reality

Dude

if you could read and its pretty evident you cant i was asking to understand her situation and her traditions

Listen you self absorbed little boy, your girlfriend whom presumambly you care about, lost her father a month ago... which isnt exactly a long time. Rather than worrying about if she might leave you (which she probably will if you carry on being so selfish) why dont you do whatever you can to support her through her grief which, by the sound of it, involves leaving her alone to deal with it in her own way
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #25
dude? yeah and i need the grip. This is coming from a guy that cant possibly have a girlfriend just from your words you can tell that your probably just a miserable person that needs to put down people because it makes you fell better when your sitting at home with a dirty t shirt on in your childhood bedroom cause you still live at moms, Thats the reality. You couldnt even percieve how iam to my girlfriend just the mere fact that i wanted advice is proof that i love her. I love to be loved and i understand to be understood. You might not get that cause of your ignorance, it means you have to give to recieve
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
4 Apr 2008 /  #26
mate if shes distant and angry towards you youre obviously doing something right. Keep going buddy and im sure itll be fine
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #27
mate... huh? now i know why your ignorant! ok bloke
miranda  
4 Apr 2008 /  #28
boys, it is not about you but about a woman who is in grief, put you weapons down, will ya.....
bajka - | 71  
4 Apr 2008 /  #29
Not really related to the thread anymore, so lets chill with name calling...

Good luck eddiea19
OP eddiea19 1 | 44  
4 Apr 2008 /  #30
your right, sorry it just this guy doesnt know me but assumes he does, but he is entitled to a opinion.....

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