What happens when you marry into a Polish family...

Cześć !

I have noticed that there are certian expectations held that are specific to the Polish people.
Especially when talking about teściowe.
I have created a simple guide on how to befriend a teściowa and I am curious whether you'd add anything to the list :)

youtu.be/Qn3eHun6U6s

I grew up next door to a Polish family, actually in the apt.building diagonal to ours, and what I remember after all these years is the rock solid solidarity which Poles show for other Polish family members!

Poles are similar to the Southern Italians in this way, I think. Even if a Polish family has some mega-successful, wealthy relatives, if certain others are merely common average Joes, EVERYBODY, at least in my observation, gets treated at the same dining room table as equals, not as second-rate interlopers as can often occur among W.A.S.P families.

Emotions though can run high. Frequently, the tendency of many Poles (men and women) to wear their heart on their sleaves, cry openly, and emote uncontrollably, will be tough to take if someone is not familiar with it and more used to an Anglo-Saxon Protestant culture of restraint and repression.

Not an aspect of Poles that I have ever known.
Yes, Poles can get very emotional, but uncontrollably?
I think it is more a Jewish and Middle Eastern trait.

The great silent screen actress Pola Negri aka Apolonia Chalupiec wrote in her autobiography that even after over fifty some years of living in Hollywood, she still admitted she would become weepy and self-pitying at the drop of a hat, derided as she was by her Anglo-American counterparts.

Her thoughts, not mine.

She probably took after her Roma father rather than her Polish mother. Anyway, one swallow doesn't make a summer.

True, yet a summer DOES consist of certain elements which remain nonetheless constant from year to year:-)

When I was teaching a group of Polish students in my ESL course a number of years back, I noticed that solely the Polish students reacted by fighting back such tears, that I had to actually stop the class for a five minute pause in order for everyone to compose themselves!

The NYT had printed numerous articles maligning the Poles regarding Poland's alleged complicity in WWII and the presence of "Polish Concentration Camps" which of course turned out to be a gross inaccuracy.

Other nationalities might have reacted to such slights with humor or uncomfortable laughter, angry lashing out or simply rationalizations.

The Poles' reaction however was singular in my experience.

Never, ever address her as "mom" or Pani. Start with her first name or you will be in that stupid Polish mental cage forever. That's what happened to me and my FIL.

And that's why I removed that awkwardness on the wedding day and told both SILs that from this moment on it's Rich. As in Hi, Rich.

No exceptions, no "dad' or, God forbid, "sir". They were relieved.

Yes, I heard the same thing, I believe.
None of this, "Mother Smith!" or "Father Smith" as was once the practice here in the US, oh, fifty or more years ago.

And what do you know about true Polish culture?

Probably not much less than you, Milo!

I prefer to marry a girl that is not too connected to family, otherwise, from what I see, you would be stuck with the entire family. If they are friendly, great, but if they are not, you are stuck and miserable. Having to visit them every weekend and every birthday and holiday.

A girl not connected with her family is wanton in most cases. Are you sure that`s who you are looking for? It refers to males, too.

Not really. People may be disconnected from their family, because they may come from a pathological family or because of toxic people in that family. Such "disconnected" people are likely to be wonderful people, actually, with good hearts and strong enough to severe such toxic ties. At least that's my observation from real life. So, it's better to get to know such a person and not judge before knowing their story, imho.

Yes, you are right, but these are extreme cases and I am sure Maximus didn`t mean such familes. :):):)

@pawian, in my opinion (and from my observation) those are not such "extreme" (or rare, if that's what you mean) cases as you think.

The only person I know who would live really almost as if they didn 't have family was very centred about the wrongdoings of others while not lookg into mirror.

The family was a bit weird but not that bad in what I can see ( of course possibly it was much worse but doubt it).

Depends also how many peiple such person dismisses. Just parent? 1 or 2 siblings. Or is it parents, siblings, aunts and uncles etc. Another indicator would be long, long LONG term friends.

@Lenka, I read at some point quite a lot about toxicity in families and I've seen many, many, really many comments by Polish people writing about their toxic parents and what I've noticed was also that many of them even went as far as moving abroad to free themselves from them (not physically, but mentally).


That may not necessarily be an indicator either. A toxic family member can turn your whole family against you. Some may choose to fight with that, some may be too exhausted (toxic people can be really mentally exhausting) and decide to start a new life.


Oh, appearances can fool you, trust me. There's been a few toxic people in my family and you wouldn't have guessed what they were (some of them are dead already) and are capable of.


That's because this person was raised in such a family and ended up being like them probably. There may be two siblings and one may be toxic as their mother (or at least to some extent), for example, and other - the opposite. I've seen this also in real life - my aunt's two daughters, for example. Those two cousins of mine are still glued to their toxic mother and alcoholic father though (one of them lives with them still and the other helps them financially) and I can see how they're paying for this connection both mentally and physically with their health. Both intelligent, educated women with jobs...

So, yeah, as I wrote - it's always better to get to know a person.

It`s sad but if you say so, it must be true. However, we don`t know what the ratio of toxic families is in the society.

@pawian, I don't know the statistics, of course, but just from my real life observation - I'm sure more than people realise. It's just people most often don't talk about such things (or don't realise that what they've experienced was toxicity, for example). It took my best friend quite a few years of friendship to open up about her family and her fiance's family, for example. She didn't call her mother "toxic", but that's what she was judging by the description of her behaviour.