Return PolishForums LIVE
  PolishForums Archive :
Archives - 2005-2009 / Love  % width 33

Need help in relationship with a Polish man


Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #1
Hi, I have with my boyfriend for a year today and I feel like a little drained. My bf's english is not great and he expects me to help him with this, which is fine but I find it annoying when he gets too dependant on me eg when he gets a letter from the bank he will open it give it to me and say what does it say? I have started asking him if he has actually read it or just cant be bothered. REcently his laptop was not working and he would not call the company to arrange for it to be sorted because he said his english is not as good as mine and what if they ask him a question he does not understand?

Today he asked me if I would help him buy tickets for his family to come and visit because he wants to make sure he does it right. I am getting rather fed up with this and as much as I want to help him, its annoying and I'm starting to get really irritated by it. When I refuse to help he makes me feel bad and I sometime end up just doing it.

I'm sorry this is so long. The other issue I have is we do not spend a lot of time together anymore. We used to when we first started going out but now we are like an old married couple. He says he has to work lot because I'm not working but the truth is I feel neglected, when we do go out he is rushing me so we can go home and

he can sleep. I feel awful because a part of me wants to leave but I love him. I also feel trapped because I have no family in the UK and have nowhere to go.

Am I being silly? I really dont know what to do.
dcchris 8 | 432  
12 Apr 2009 /  #2
firstly you should talk to him about the situation
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #3
I have spoken to him and he does not understand why I can't help him. He says why is it such a big deal for me to help him. When I talk about spending time together he says he has to work because we have to pay bills or he will just give me money to go shopping. I dont want money. I want him.
dcchris 8 | 432  
12 Apr 2009 /  #4
you could get a job and wont be financially dependent on him. i live and poland and am dependent on my gf to translate for me so I can understand a bit from his point of view. offer to teach him english. he probably feels like since you dont work then you can do some of the administrative things like translation
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #5
I guess I could try and be a bit more patient with this issue and try and see it from him point of view, however I feel like if he talks a lot more in English then it would improve his language skills. I can't actually work at the moment and have to wait till my visa stuff is sorted.
SzwedwPolsce 11 | 1,595  
12 Apr 2009 /  #6
Obviously you have communiction problems. I'm sure it can be solved if both really want to. In that case, of course, you both have to make the effort needed. It's always difficult to say something when you only hear one side of the story. But I think that both of you should sit down and think about what kind of relationship you want.
krysia 23 | 3,057  
12 Apr 2009 /  #7
Come on girl. Get rid of him!! He will always be dependent on you. Stand on your own feet! You have to get control of your life, Don't let him! It willl only get worse in time and you'll one day get so fed up that you'll get into a big argument and break up.

I know Polish people here in the US and even though they've been in this country for 10, 20 years, they still need help with letters, taxes, translations, etc. They always will feel that they are from a foreign country and everyone has to help them.

Find another friend. And even if he is Polish, he might be more ambitious and try to learn the english language so not to be dependent on others.

So it might be hard, but from what you're saying, this guy will be using you to help him in life and you get nothing in return. Many Poles are like that when they come to a foreign country. They think you owe them to help them get ahead, while your feelings don't mean anything. It is always them.

This is your life, you should control it, not him.
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #8
I love him but am getting really annoyed. I think our relationship could be better but he told me today there is nothing wrong with the way things are. We are engaged but am not too sure about going ahead with it if things don't change.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,385  
12 Apr 2009 /  #9
he needs to speak to people in small amounts... to build up his confidence... then he may want to learn more... which will make it easier for you.

with letters/text... have him try to translate it first... then offer to help him out... praise the good... don't mention the bad.
Daisy 3 | 1,227  
12 Apr 2009 /  #10
He says he has to work lot because I'm not working but the truth is I feel neglected, when we do go out he is rushing me so we can go home and
he can sleep

If he is having to financially support both of you, then of course is going to have to put in the hours and it's hardly surprising he's tired at the end of the day. Of course he's tired when you are not, he works while you're sat doing nothing all day, then you complain that he asks you for some help with translation, not a very big ask IMO.

So you're in the UK without a VISA, what the hell would you be doing for food and accommodation if you didn't have your boyfriend paying for everything? Sounds to me that you need him more than he needs you.

I'd like to hear his side of the story, he's probably getting a bit bored of the selfish sponger he's having to support, who complains when he asks for a little help with some translation.
SzwedwPolsce 11 | 1,595  
12 Apr 2009 /  #11
Oh my God!

If he is working hard to make money for both him and you, you should do everything you can to help him with the things you can do. This is how healthy relationships work in this part of the world.

If you want a future in a country you must, at least try, to learn the language. But I can also understand him, he must work a lot to get the money needed for everyday life for both him and you. Maybe it will get better when you can start to work too. Then he will have more time and energy to learn better English.

Or maybe he is just the lazy kind of person who wants other people to do everything for him. I don't know him, so I can't tell.
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #12
His english is not totally bad one of the issues is he thinks his english is okay and its enough to get him by but he could learn more. I am proud of the fact that his english is all self taught.

If he is having to financially support both of you, then of course is going to have to put in the hours and it's hardly surprising he's tired at the end of the day. Of course he's tired when you are not, he works while you're sat doing nothing all day, then you complain that he asks you for some help with translation, not a very big ask IMO.

So you're in the UK without a VISA, what the hell would you be doing for food and accommodation if you didn't have your boyfriend paying for everything? Sounds to me that you need him more than he needs you.

I'd like to hear his side of the story, he's probably getting a bit bored of the selfish sponger he's having to support, who complains when he asks for a little help with some translation.

I am actually not a sponger as I get an allowance every month from my parents. Don't be so quick to judge. I am also trying to change my visa as I was a student before
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,104  
12 Apr 2009 /  #13
Dee1603, your employment position aside Wroclaw has hit the nail on the head with this :

he needs to speak to people in small amounts... to build up his confidence... then he may want to learn more... which will make it easier for you.
with letters/text... have him try to translate it first... then offer to help him out... praise the good... don't mention the bad.

If your boyfriend is only teaching himself English with you as his sounding board then he isn't getting the chance to build up his confidence by speaking with others which means he's relying on you and you're getting exasperated with him - and you're showing it. Help him build up his confidence.

If he is working a lot of hours in order to support both of you then you can't complain that he's tired and may not want to go out late socially so why not organise something nice in the house, it's cheaper and it's more exclusive because it's just you and him.
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #14
He works in an environment where he has to speak in english and he can communicate I guess like you said I should be more patient. I do encourage him and he i okay when we are alone but when he has to speak to someone else he shys AWAY.

When I do something nice for him at the house he appreciates it, he may watch a movie with me at home and then after a while he wants to sleep and says he is tired. Its just that when his friends call he has the energy to go out. Mind you this is on his days off
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,104  
12 Apr 2009 /  #15
I do encourage him and he i okay when we are alone but when he has to speak to someone else he shys AWAY.

That's good. His confidence when speaking English with you will be higher then strangers because he knows you well and you know he is trying. When he's calling some stranger, at a bank for example, it's a whole different thing. Think of whenever you've had to phone a call centre. They tend to mumble down the phone or speak at a hundred miles an hour, it's off putting, even for a person fluent in English.

He works in an environment where he has to speak in english and he can communicate

Again, that could be down to his confidence with the people he is speaking to.

Its just that when his friends call he has the energy to go out. Mind you this is on his days off

Aha! Get in there first then. :) Make plans with him to do something on his days off.
OP Dee1603  
12 Apr 2009 /  #16
I guess I have to see it from his side as well. Polska doll thank you so much for your sensible advise I don't regret coming here after all.
dtaylor 9 | 823  
12 Apr 2009 /  #17
It sounds like he just has no confidence in speaking English, but only with you. Maybe he is meeting his friends as they are also the only people he can feel confident speaking with. When i first came to Poland, the majority of my friends were English speakers, took me about a year to adapt and feel confident with the locals. You just got to push him to be more confident, and explain its totally fine if he makes a mistake.
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,104  
12 Apr 2009 /  #18
I guess I have to see it from his side as well.

Yes, it's true. He should also do the same for you to though.

Polska doll thank you so much for your sensible advise I don't regret coming here after all.

Well, although I wasn't the only one, you're most welcome. Good luck to you both for your future. :)
kungfu fighting 1 | 2  
13 Apr 2009 /  #19
I've been seeing a Polish Guy since October, he's great fun and we have such a laugh. He came here last May, he could barely speak English but now can speak lots. I don't mind helping him with his English as it only helps our relationship more as we can communicate better. Because it can be so frustrating when he doesnt understand what I'm saying and he also gets frustrated when he can't understand what I'm saying. He also teaches me Polish! Its so weird, cos I never ever thought I could be involved with someone from another country especially someone who doesnt have perfect English but somehow it seems to be working. The only thing I find, is that I can't let myself get too involved with him cos I always have the fear that I'm gonna fall madly in love with him and then he's just gonna go back to Poland and it'l be all over.
chelle2926 2 | 5  
12 Sep 2009 /  #20
hi i would like a little help in my relationship with my polish guy....how do i get my polish husband to fall in love with me or at least show that he loves me?
Ajb 6 | 232  
12 Sep 2009 /  #21
how do i get my polish husband to fall in love with me

Buy him some vodka? to be honest i dont think it matters were your from.. if he dosent look like he loves you then he probably dont!
krysia 23 | 3,057  
12 Sep 2009 /  #22
how do i get my polish husband to fall in love with me

Lol. So what was the reason he married you? GREEN CARD????
movetopoland 1 | 10  
12 Sep 2009 /  #23
Firstly complaining about being tired is generally considered unacceptable in English culture, he might not be English but he's in the UK. Most girls I know would not put up with a tired man, no matter how many hours he does.

If he is tired then he should cut down his hours, if he doesn't have enough money then he should get a better job. It sounds like you are not from the UK but that doesn't mean you shouldn't expect the same high standard in men that the natives demand.

With regards to him not being able to learn English, he needs to go out and integrate with the locals, do you really want to be with a man who isn't confident?

We have Polish men drink in our local pub and they always speak English, sometimes it's not perfect but people don't mind because they are confident enough to try. If they were to all speak Polish amongst them selfs then the locals would dislike them.
southern 75 | 7,096  
12 Sep 2009 /  #24
after a while he wants to sleep and says he is tired.

Girls do not even let you sleep.This is military fellas.
chelle2926 2 | 5  
12 Sep 2009 /  #25
intially...but we now have a relationship but when he came here. he brought his gf at the time over 6 months later. they were fine and then 4 1/2yrs later she met another guy at the GYM of all places...moved out while my guy was at work and cleaned out almost all of his bank account and took his car. so he is very reluctant to share his feelings and all talk of the future is his favorite reply...we will see....but everything we do together and the way our lives are we basically are a couple we just dont have a title..well except husband and wife...lol....my friends all say he is falling for me by the things he does... but that he just wont admit it because of getting really really burned by that girl...just wanted some advice to turn it into an even more real marriage than it mostly is already...
southern 75 | 7,096  
12 Sep 2009 /  #26
she met another guy at the GYM of all places

What is the GYM?
tornado2007 11 | 2,274  
12 Sep 2009 /  #27
To be honest this does not sound silly at all, if somebody is 'draining' you like you said in the initial post, then you should really leave him. You cannot go through your life being 'drained' its not good for you or your health, i wouldn't say its a small issue either as it is clearly a big one for you.

I left a girl once because she was a drain on me, nothing to do with me not liking her/her liking me, nothing to do with other people, i just felt drained all the time. Then one day i realised it was because of her, i came to the conclusion (no matter how much i liked her) i could not carry on in this manner.
Pawelek1 - | 24  
12 Sep 2009 /  #28
What is the GYM?

Place to go to workout.
time means 5 | 1,310  
12 Sep 2009 /  #29
i just felt drained all the time. Then one day i realised it was because of her,

Maybe she was a vampire?
tornado2007 11 | 2,274  
12 Sep 2009 /  #30
lol, the type that drains you mentally :)

Archives - 2005-2009 / Love / Need help in relationship with a Polish manArchived