why wont he communicate? going crazy

please i need some advice understanding apolish male friend of mine-here goes!!

i met this guy at work in march this year-he is 30 i am 36- he does not speak much english-i started to help him with his english. we went out to pubs, discos, i took him sight seeing-he met my family-he doesnt earn very much-sends his money home he is the eldest of 6-he lives with his parents in northern rural poland. he never asked for anything but sometimes i bought him little things like cigarrets-tomato sauce-gave him some of my brothers clothes-he was always very apprerciative-he gave me wild flowers-just pick them up as we were walking. we laughed we had fun feelings grew. he said he was very happy in my company, we were starting to fall in love. he cried when he left to work elsewhere in england. we kept in touch by telephone/ texting. we met up when we could-getting harder and harder to leave each time. he went to poland in july-didnt hear from him for 4 weeks-i had always respected there were issuse-with his family reagarding an english girl. he said he told his family about me. he came back in august and we had misseed each other so much-he was only here for a week. he said he wanted to come to england to be with me -he was working for a company that sent him to different places and we started to look for local jobs. he has been working away since august and was back in poland since october. we have kept in touch but i last spoke to him 6 weeks ago when everything was great both saying how we felt-talking about the times we had together and that he couldnt wait to come back to me, my feelings for him have grown and grown-but since he last spoke to me i have heard nothing!!

i sent him a letter and some things he asked for-he recieved it- i calll and text him-but nothing. i have a second number for him-his polish number-which i was to use only in emergencies i call and text him on that-nothing- i have said in the texts i am sorry to use his polish numer but as i havent heard from him i was worried, i asked him if he still cares-nothing-if he still wants me to look for jobs-nothing-has he a girlfriend-nothing-is there a problem with his family-nothing

i am going crazy not knowing what has happened!!!

i maybe going to poland in jan-he knew this was a possibility-iwas to go to poland before i met him.

i have text telling him i would like to meet up when i am in poland-nothing!!

i cant let these feelings go i do not want to cause any problems for him-by turning up- but i need to see him to find out what has happeened -if he has changed his mind-whatever-i am prepared for that-id rather know than wait and pine.

he did say he would call me when he came back to england which will be about march.-along time with no communication .

it seems ridiculous not to meet up with him when i am in poland-do not have to go to his house-he has a car in poland we could meet somewhere-but i am getting no yes nor no from him,

advice please waht should i do

You are not going to like this advice......I think you know in your own heart that you have been let down , and if you manage to find him in Poland you are not going to like what you find...It could be his family have put their foot down and told him they don,t want him getting involved with you , or it may be he has a girlfriend or wife back in Poland.....Its not easy to accept such an idea , but i know from my own experiance that people can be very good at convincing you that you are the only one in their lives when they are a long way from home , family and partner....I had exactly the same situation with a lovely Polish girl....Shortly before we were to travel back to Poland together she decided to tell me she had a boyfriend....Of course she assured me that their relationship was about to end , and they were not that close....It was all lies of course....I live in Poland now , and still see her now and then , her boyfriend is a really nice guy who obviously thinks the world of her...She wanted to carry on the relationship with me after we got back to Poland , but i backed out of it , despite the fact i was in love with her , and i lost my house due to my relationship with her....Its possible i suppose your guy has had an accident or something , but you would think somebody would let you know about this.....What he is doing to you is cruel and painfull , but people do this sometimes....He should at least have the courage to tell you whats going on....I hope you get some news either way ...If you are coming to the north of Poland , give me a shout , we can have a beer , and cry into it together....hope it works out....Jan ....

Okay,

I agree with Wildrover. He doesn't communicate with you, so it looks like it is over.

Sorry okay, but I cant find anything encouraging about this.


Sounds like he is trying to move on.



See below.

whatever the reason may be, it is unforgivable of him not to respond to your calls and be honest with you. Could it be that he has lost his mobile and the Polish number is wrong? do you have an email address for him? However, even this had happened if he really loves you he would have called you. Hard as it is, please try to keep your self respect and dont contact him again. If there is a genuine reason then he will contact you, but the more you contact him and he doesnt respond, the harder it is. It sounds like he is a coward who cannot face telling you the truth. Sorry and good luck.

i find it hard to believe he cant be honest with me-i know it will hurt if says he no longer feels the same -but ignoring me hurts more.

it seems such an extreme-we didnt fall out-the last conversation was planning the future-in england.

why cant he tell we whats happened?
i think his family have put pressure on him-but i understand and i will stand by him-if this is the case. my feelings cant be genuine if i say to him them or me -i wouldnt do that-

wildrover maybe he has re-kindled a relationship over in poland-why not say?

from what he has told me i think there is pressure on him to remain in poland -i think he has a responsibilty to provide.

i do feel let down-i know the feelings are real and i thought his were.
maybe it has all become too much for him-the family pressure-the time apart-do you think he has given up on something he wants but doesnt know how he can have it?

i keep reasuring him with my texts so he doesnt give up hope and he knows i am for real-do you think this is a source of pressure on him from me?

And maybe he didn,t need to rekindle one , some poor woman in Poland may have been getting lots of messages from him while he was in UK telling her how much he loved her and how he would soon be home to her....I really wish i could give you some hope on this , but i have found out the hard way in this life thats is easy to be convinced that someone is in love with you , if you are in love with them....They say that love is blind ,but don,t worry , its not permanant , you regain your sight in time...You are finding all kinds of excuses for his behavour , but be honest with your self , you know dam well that there is absolutly no excuse for not contacting you to let you know whats going on....Even if his family , or wife are preventing him calling you its certain they are not guarding him 24 hours a day....If i was in love with someone , or even just cared about them i would find a way to contact them no matter how impossible it was...I am guessing here , but just maybe you were a very pleasant distraction for him , to take his mind off the fact he was missing home and family , now he is back with them , and he does not need you any more....Human nature being what it is nobody likes to admit to being a muppet and falling for the pretty lies , but it happens...I wasn,t born wise to such things , i found out the sad and painfull way.........My god i could tell you tales of heartbreak...Despite this i have memories of love so special it will keep me warm forever , i am not yet ready to give up on love... I really hope i am wrong about him , but nothing you have told me gives me reason to think i am....I hope things do work out for you , and i would love for you to tell me i got it all wrong....don,t keep me in suspense lady , if you hear anything , let me know...best wishes...Jan....

I doubt it's his family. He's 30 years old, his family cannot control him at that age, or at least its very rare. My guess is that he has a Polish girl back home, or maybe met someone else? Perhaps he's just avoiding conflict and not telling you, he might be embarassed to tell you at this point.

i think you are probably right wildrover- i just find it so hard to believe that he cant tell me the truth.

i think i will stop contacting him-maybe send one last text asking him to tell me the truth

i may stiil be coming to poland in january-whether i see him or not remains to be seen-anyway may take you up on the offer of a beer -where are you based in poland?-must be hard for you being there with your x still around

That is such a frustrating situation Okay because all you want is to know what's going on and there is so much doubt hanging in the air. Did he get your messages? What's going on and what is he thinking?

But speculation aside I think Sapphire made a very valid point, whatever is going on he should have contacted you and if he hasn't then the most likely reason is because he's selfish!

It is a horrible feeling though when you don't know what is happening or, if it's over, then what went wrong. It can drive you crazy!

I hope things don't get you down too much. There's always bigger and better things out there in life :-)

A beer now thats a good idea... i can can always be talked into a nice Polish beer....I don,t usually get much chance to drink the stuff , as to go anywhere usually means taking the car or bike , and i am trying very hard not to do as most of my friends do and drink even tho they are driving....My old run down farm is between Polczyn zdroj , and Drawsko pomorskie , i am about ten miles from Polczyn....Its not so hard seeing my blondie any more , we became friends after a while despite the fact i discovered i was not the only one she had a fling with behind her boyfriends back....its a shame she is like this , because he is a nice guy , and was always ok with me even after she supposedly confessed to him about me...I have not seen her for a while now , but she did send me a Christmas e card...The last i heard she was having a baby , so maybe she will settle down and behave herself now....For me the hardest part is not seeing her parents any more , they were good to me when i first came to Poland , and i miss them a bit...Which part of Poland are you headed for...? let me know , and i will look on my map and see if its less than a million miles from my place....Its going to be a bit cold in Poland in january, so don,t forget to pack your thermal undies......

well, i think that its safe to safe you have to move ahead, sorry

thanks starchild
yes he has got my messages

maybe i should get really angry with him for not telling me where i stand!!!

this is not the way i deal with things but maybe i should text him the following

what the f..... is going on be a real man and tell me where i stand- do you want to see me again or not just f........ tell me.

my friends tell me i can be too nice
what do you think?

texting him in the past has not got you any results.
doing so still makes you look desperate.

You remind me of myself! Haha

In that type of situation I would fluctuate between sending him a ranting text, then think maybe I should send a nice text and just chill a bit and then I'd be upset again!?

But Marek is right, it does just end up making you look and feel stupid. You know how it is, you go one text too far (or in some cases 20 texts too far!!)

I don't know what to suggest because I would also want an answer, I'd want to just be told straight, but you don't want to look desperate as Marek says or pee him off by bugging him all the time.

There is an old saying that goes If you love them , let them go , if they belong to you , then they will return...if they do not , then they were never yours in the first place.......I can understand your anger and frustration lady , but nothing you can say or do will get a response unless he wants contact with you , and clearly , for some reason he doesn,t....So your friends think you are too nice do they , where have you been all my life , my friends say the same about me , why do nice people like us wind up with the bad news people....Maybe its something to do with opposites attract eh.....The best cure i can suggest for the way you feel is the following....Get an old pillow case , stuff it full of old clothes , so its nice and tight , get yourself a large metal pole.....and beat the fu***** crap out of the pillow case....works wonders.....

who cares about looking desperate. Looking "desperate" is all people worry about. I personally hate this stupid expression which was invented by some pop psychology guru.

I don't even know what it means. What does make people look desparate ? admiting that she wants to be happy and doesn't want to wait for ever for him to call?

She is desperate to find out what happened to him. I would be.

rant over

i was thinking of texting- your loss
and then if i still felt like i needed to see him face to face when i go to poland id just turn up at his place .he wouldnt be expecting it and say hi.

I agree with what you are saying Miranda, but I think Marek made that comment because okay has sent many texts and there does come a point when you need to stop.

I have sent texts out of desperation and regardless of how it looks to other people, it doesn't make you feel good yourself to send a message when you are at such a low point. You can't delete it once it's sent, so sometimes its better to wait until you are calm and then make contact.

If I feel I might be sending a dodgy message I just write it out on my phone and then save it and if I still am happy with it a few hours later or even the next day, then i will send it!

wildrover i hope to be visiting the gdansk area-how far are you away

Well, Okay, it does seem you're fighting a losing battle. You keep texting him and getting no reply, you phone him and get no reply. I think he's taking the cowards way out of finishing it with you.

I don't think you should text him again but if you feel you must then try something like "OK, I can't spend any more of my life on this, we had fun but goodbye" or similar. Don't say anything like "your loss". It makes you seem bitter (you might be but why should he know that?).

Don't feel "desperate" for wanting a conclusion to what seemed like a blossoming relationship. You were part of that and rightly, you deserve an answer as to why it's suddenly ended...but I feel that now you are not going to get that answer - too much time has passed.

I do agree with what starchild says regarding sending messages when you feel low which is why I think you should think about what you might say in any "final" message.

Good luck and try and put this time in your life behind you :)

thanks for advice -still feel like turning up on him when he least expexts it what are your thoughts on this?

I don't think it's a good idea. Some people don't like surprises. How do you envisage a good outcome from doing this because I can see ways for it to go badly but not really any good?

Thats just my opinion though :-)

No, you really dont want to do this. It could be really humiliating and spoil the remaining good memories.

i dont feel desperate-i do want to send a "final" text and pinkjewel your suggestion is good anymore suggestions?

we did have a good time together and i do have good memories i would like to think in time i will remenber the good from this experience and like wildrover he is still"friendly" with his x- maybe a friendship will ensue-not yet but in time-guess i need to let go like wildrover said if it was there it will come back.

do i need to do a final text or should i just leave it?
the last text i sent said

" one call from you will make everything ok"

If you just wait for a while, lets say until the end of this week and then review the situation again things may look different.

You can text him again, but it doesn't have to be right now. Just wait for a bit. That doesn't mean you have to give up on him completely. Its more like just sitting on your hands and waiting to see how you feel in a bit and if anything has changed.

But what if that one call doesn't make everything OK? I know that you say you just want to know where you stand but what if he does call you and shatters everything you thought you had before?

He hasn't contacted you in 6 weeks? I'm not sure you should spend too much more of your time on this. Chalk it up to experience...it'll hurt for a bit but you'll be fine :)


No I don't advise this at all. For one thing, a bad reaction and your trip to Poland could be completely ruined. Be kind to yourself, he's most likely moved on and you deserve to as well.

i am prepared for either a negative or positive call-just want to know-i text that yesterday i will leave it for a few days and see how i feel. i think in my heart i know its over-but i hope it isnt and not being told the final goodbye makes me hang on to that hope.

Well, it's good you feel prepared but what happens if he never texts or calls you? You have to be prepared for that as well. You might never get a "final goodbye" because you might never hear from him...I'm sorry but it's true.

Not a million miles from me...we can sort something out....Should i wear a pink bowler hat and a tutu so you will recognise me when we meet...no better idea , if you look on myspace.com/hdjan you can see a pic of me.....I should be able to find you ok...you will be the one with the angry expression and a gun i suppose.....