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Do Poles ignore domestic abuse?


delikatna 1 | 6  
6 Mar 2009 /  #1
OK. Without beating about the bush (what a metaphor), I am the subject pretty much of quite intensive emotional abuse, and mild physical abuse. My partner doles this out to me on a daily basis. We live with our baby and two other Polish guys. The other guys just ignore it/act as if nothing is happening/laugh it off - even if I am sitting sobbing on the sofa, he is drunkenly shoving/etc. me and it is totally clear that this isn't funny.

I know there is a culture of not mixing yourself up in another guy's business, but does that extend to turning a blind eye to domestic abuse? I think for some Poles it does. Not all - because I know some guys who simply wouldn't let him do it to me - or who would rather move out that watch it. And I honestly think that most English guys would consider it not on, and would say something.

I know I sound like a spineless wretch in all this ... well, I am, at the moment. There's not much we can do about that - nobody is going to help me, and that isn't really the point of the post: I am just interested to hear what you Polish guys/girls (and anyone else with experience of this) think about the Polish take on abuse in the home ...
Czarnobog - | 33  
6 Mar 2009 /  #2
I don't have the stats on that. You are asking for anecdotal evidence, which won't give you a real picture either.

I hope for your sake you get out fast. It's disgusting that he is treating you like that.
OP delikatna 1 | 6  
6 Mar 2009 /  #3
Anecdotal is interesting, though.

As for getting out, isn't an option at the moment, for one reason and another. And it isn't bad enough, either, to do that - there are other things at stake, like the baby's contact with her father. Believe me - I have been over the alternatives in my mind, and staying put is at the moment the best of a bad lot.

but thanks
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
6 Mar 2009 /  #4
no it's not normal behaviour for anyone, you just live with a bunch of tossers, your baby's father included. how can you let him treat you that way? why do you want your baby to grow up in a place like that? what if daddy starts being violent towards your baby as well, will you still put up with it? i really don't see how this is "the best of a bad lot" but it's your life and you make your choices. you are living in a disfunctional household and your partner's mates ignore his abuse towards you cos they are just like him and they don't really give a rat's ass, not cos they are Poles. they are just bad people. you get bad apples in every country.
frd 7 | 1,399  
6 Mar 2009 /  #5
I think it's like everywhere else there are circles mainly pathological.. where it will go without a notice, I had some arguments with my gf and I've seen some couples arguing and other people reacted trying to calm down everyone.. on the other hand it was never anything serious, just an average quarrel, difference in opinion or a overreaction, it was never domestic abuse. But still you can hear about it in the news or tv shows, and it happens everywhere. The source which is partially alcohol can indicate that can be a bigger problem with poles because there are many drinkers in out nations.. at least while going with stereotypes.. further east and worse it gets..

Good advice from Justysia, and remember that in such families it usually gets worse.. especially if there's alcohol included.. sometimes it's better to admit mistake and try to come back to your family
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 Mar 2009 /  #6
As for getting out, isn't an option at the moment, for one reason and another. And it isn't bad enough, either, to do that - there are other things at stake, like the baby's contact with her father. Believe me - I have been over the alternatives in my mind, and staying put is at the moment the best of a bad lot.

not bad enough??? wtf????????????

you want you baby around that arse? wtf?????????????

get with it girl.. this isn't all about you but you and the baby need to be safe and it sure sounds like you two are not. get on and get on fast. don't wait for the day where he breaks your arm, or worse.. nobody deserves this kind of sh.t.

not cos they are Poles. they are just bad people. you get bad apples in every country.

exactly.. it's the same everywhere.
Czarnobog - | 33  
6 Mar 2009 /  #7
You know, the movie A Street Car Named Desire portrays Stanley Kowalski as an abusive husband. He was this big, brutal Polish guy. Today his character is considered as a racial stereotype.

So your question is certainly not ungrounded, but I think it is, like all stereotypes, a bad one.
osiol 55 | 3,922  
6 Mar 2009 /  #8
the movie A Street Car Named Desire

It was a play by Tennessee Williams.
mafketis 23 | 8,544  
6 Mar 2009 /  #9
there are other things at stake, like the baby's contact with her father.

You want your baby to have contact with an emotionally and physically abusive man?

Really? What about when he starts beating the kid? (and he will, don't lie to yourself that you can stop him).
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 Mar 2009 /  #10
Czarnobog:
the movie A Street Car Named Desire

It was a play by Tennessee Williams.

you're both right: imdb.com/title/tt0044081/ - A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)


Wyspianska  
6 Mar 2009 /  #11
Ha Ha Bukowski's mad. I love his writting though.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 Mar 2009 /  #12
i've seen most of his interviews.. interesting stuff. talk about getting real.. it's real alright.
paddyprince - | 6  
6 Mar 2009 /  #13
As a child i was always told to never raised your hand to a women. In the real life that
i see as an adult, yes it does happened a lot. I have seen it and, hate it.
It is a " control thing" by your partner, the more you suffer, the more he enjoys it.
The other guys in the house?, there worth, nothing.
You have to plan your escape, contact local services and have money etc to leave.
It is not going to be easy, but as a dad myself, you have to go. You have a hard road
to travel, but i wish you and your baby the best. Time will solve the rest. This is not a
" polish thing". It is just about being with " Bad Bastard". Life sorts these people out.
I wish ye the best.........
miranda  
6 Mar 2009 /  #14
it sounds like a wind up since the OP seems to be to calm.

as for Polish people

I know there is a culture of not mixing yourself up in another guy's business, but does that extend to turning a blind eye to domestic abuse? I think for some Poles it does.

you cannot count on a third party (Polish or not) to solve your problem or defend you if you yourself are willing to put up with it.

It has nothing to do with nationality - however you should not put up with it.
paddyprince - | 6  
6 Mar 2009 /  #15
I think she understands that. The abuse in these cases is both physical and mental.
Life on its own with a baby to look after is hard. Yes she has to go, but she needs support.
It is easy to pass judgement. The right decision is to go, but a plan, is vital.
So give her the space, to make the hard choices.
Olasz - | 69  
6 Mar 2009 /  #16
The other guys just ignore it/act as if nothing is happening/laugh it off - even if I am sitting sobbing on the sofa, he is drunkenly shoving/etc. me and it is totally clear that this isn't funny.

I imagine the guys're convinced the situation you're in doesn't bother you at all as you put up with it.
I know

it's your life and you make your choices

but I was just wondering... do you realize it'll only get worst? As you're not opposing every single "next time" will leave darker and bigger bruises to the point he'll get some kind of response from you...

Read to find out what's going on around you, as you clearly have no idea...

hiddenhurt.co.uk/Children/children.htm - here - effects it has on your child
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
6 Mar 2009 /  #17
Olasz good advice.. and everyone else to, she needs to get out of there
because men are not supposed to abuse women period, no matter what the
nationality.

get you and that baby out!
OP delikatna 1 | 6  
6 Mar 2009 /  #18
it sounds like a wind up since the OP seems to be to calm.

not a wind up at all - calmness is when i am on my own at this computer

thank you guys SO much for what you have said - it is having the strength to make the right call that i need

and stupid of me to have posted about it because i don't really feel up even to talking about it. i don't talk to my mother or siblings or friends really about it any more. i just kind of feel sick every evening when he gets back now, though. told him that and he said 'co mi to?' (ie, what the fuck do i care?)

i have to stop being a victim. i know. anyhow, let's close this ... only i can change it. but thanks, you guys.
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,105  
6 Mar 2009 /  #20
what if daddy starts being violent towards your baby as well,

Yes, exactly. There's a lot of it in the news at the moment. Delikatna, you're not just responsible for yourself, you are responsible for this other life too.

The following is a quote from Olasz's third link:

Children in a home where the mother is being abused are also at greater risk of being abused themselves, or being used to control their mother. Due to his own lack of self-worth the abusive partner feels the need to control all those to whom he considers himself superior. In a family, this includes the children.

You can't change a guy like that. What sort of hold does he have over the other flatmates that they won't stand up and thump him one?

So get out of there girl. There are places you can go, even if you don't have anyone else in the UK.

PS - It says in your profile you speak Polish. Are you Polish? Or did you just learn the language?
Harry  
6 Mar 2009 /  #21
and stupid of me to have posted about it because i don't really feel up even to talking about it. i don't talk to my mother or siblings or friends really about it any more.

The time for talking about it has long passed. You need to do something about it. And the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to do.

i just kind of feel sick every evening when he gets back now, though. told him that and he said 'co mi to?' (ie, what the fuck do i care?)

So don't be there when he gets back one day. And don't be there the next day or any day after that.

i have to stop being a victim. i know. anyhow, let's close this ... only i can change it. but thanks, you guys.

Good luck. It can seem almost impossible but from what I'm told in a couple of years you'll look back and wonder what the hell took you so long.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
6 Mar 2009 /  #22
polishforums.com/english_girl_wants_polish_boy-35_33241_0.html

Glutton for punishment or a complete wind up?
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,105  
6 Mar 2009 /  #23
It can seem almost impossible but from what I'm told in a couple of years you'll look back

Yes you're right, it's possible. I work with a girl who abused was by her husband. He cut all her hair off, locked her in a cupboard when he was out among other things. Now she's slowly more confident, very quiet but she's getting there and it's just been a couple of years since she got away from him. Oh, and now she's got lovely, curly hair down to her shoulders. :)
ZIMMY 6 | 1,601  
6 Mar 2009 /  #24
Abuse is wrong, no matter who does it. What is not well known is the extent of it and perpetrators are both male AND female. I posted this on another forum topic.

csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

"This bibliography examines 247 scholarly investigations: 188 empirical studies and 59 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. The aggregate sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 240,200."

locked her in a cupboard

How small was she?
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,105  
6 Mar 2009 /  #25
How small was she?

About 5 feet 4 inches. I don't know what sort of cupboard but I assume a hall cupboard or under the stairs at a guess.

Abuse is wrong, no matter who does it.

Indeed. I see your point about males being victims of domestic abuse at the hands of females. It seems we don't hear about it as much yet hundreds of thousands of men are abused by their female partner. oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm is a good read, if you are interested.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
7 Mar 2009 /  #26
only i can change it. but thanks, you guys.

and once you leave this arsehole, take care you and the baby first.. dont get involved
with another relationship until your settled and had time to heal from this one..

dont jump from one relationship to another. get your head together and realize
and learn from these mistakes.. that baby only has you to protect it and so you
have to be strong and make the right choices.

( if you come back and read this)

best of luck. :)
PennBoy 76 | 2,437  
16 Mar 2009 /  #27
I am just interested to hear what you Polish guys/girls (and anyone else with experience of this) think about the Polish take on abuse in the home ...

i havn't ever abused a female, phisically, but if she deserved it i did yell a few times. If you're gonna let her do or say whatever she wants, she'll shit on ur head some day, she'll think ur a lil' bitch. thats what i think. Delikatna what exaclly do you do for him to yell and shove you ???
Randal 1 | 577  
16 Mar 2009 /  #28
delikatna

Life isn’t supposed to be like this. Call the cops on the bastard. They’ll assist you in getting the help you need.
Harry  
16 Mar 2009 /  #29
If you're gonna let her do or say whatever she wants, she'll shit on ur head some day, she'll think ur a lil' bitch.

Fortunately the chances of you ever having a relationship with a woman other than one you pay are non-existant.
pgtx 30 | 3,159  
16 Mar 2009 /  #30
i havn't ever abused a female, phisically, but if she deserved it i did yell a few times. If you're gonna let her do or say whatever she wants, she'll shit on ur head some day, she'll think ur a lil' bitch.

that's called emotional abuse...

Fortunately the chances of you ever having a relationship with a woman other than one you pay are non-existant.

i'm glad... every woman would be better off without him...

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