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moving to poland to be together is this the right decision?


miranda  
30 Jun 2008 /  #31
well, if he knows that his family will not accept you then why are you going to Poland. You are putting yourself in a difficult situation and if that means loosing him, then perhaps it is time to think seriously how you want to be treated by a loved one. It is time to negotiate.

You cannot make his family to accept you, but if he is on 'their side" as well than maybe it is not a good idea that you are willing to sacrifice so much for the relatiopnship, while he is not so willing. I understand his worries about the family , but he needs to make a decision. He is sitting on the fance and wants to have both.

Is he ashamed of you? I hope not. Maybe he is just looking for excuses.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
30 Jun 2008 /  #32
his family have see phtographs of me because i sent them some of the two of us together
they say i am attractive and as i have said before i have spoken to his parents on the telephone and i have meet some of his polish friends. i am a sucessfull profesional, financially independant women. my boyfriend has made the move from his background in poland to a sucessful business man -his business is still developing. he is now mixing with different people much removed from his old lifestyle in rural poland. all this has happened to him in the last three years and i have helped him cope with his changing situation. i am a go getter and trend setter and my personality is attractive to my boyfriend we have a great social life when we are together, the sex is good and we are on the same wavelength. he tells me all the women in his family are dependant on the men and eventhough he finds my independance attractive he sometimes finds it hard to accept that i am not materlistically needy. what he gives me is the love i need.
the_falkster 1 | 180  
30 Jun 2008 /  #33
sounds all very nice but who are you trying to convince???
yourself it sounds like...

i am sorry but if his family means so much to him and you told him you want to meet them before moving to poland longterm, what the hell is his problem?

if you mean that much too him he is to make it possible and consider your concerns...

if he doesn't, he probably is not worth it.

dead simple...
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
30 Jun 2008 /  #34
if you mean that much too him he is to make it possible and consider your concerns...

thank-you i have been thinking this.

maybe i personally do not mean that much too him-but what i can do for him -where his "new circle" is concerned . he seems to want to keep his "old" life away from his "new" life- never the twaine shall meet this he can not do for ever- also i have thought maybe he is ashamed of his family?
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
30 Jun 2008 /  #35
- also i have thought maybe he is ashamed of his family?

They were my initial thoughts and I still think that, I don't think for one moment that he's ashamed of you. Go for the month and see how the land lies. By the sound of things you're not in any hurry to meet the parents so that's not an issue, not eveyone has that desire to meet the "in-laws", some people find that strange though, I didnt introduce my ex to my parents until we'd been together for 14 months, simply because I don't feel the need to take every Tom Dick or Harry home to meet the folkes!

Good luck.
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
7 Jul 2008 /  #36
im my experience Polish in-laws can change their mind about acceptance of their son/daughter's partner constantly according to how they feel on the day. Sounds like you could be in for similar problems. Remember, it is a very hard thing to come between a Polish man and his family and ultimately you will rarely win.
Sandy84 1 | 12  
7 Jul 2008 /  #38
I'd go for it. My girlfriend wants to move back to Poland eventually (dunno if it's gonna happen yet) and when she asks me to come with her I would even though I don't even speak polish.
irishdeano 5 | 304  
7 Jul 2008 /  #39
well if that person means the world to you. you will do it i was going to do it but hmmm she broke my heart and thats another story lol
Sandy84 1 | 12  
7 Jul 2008 /  #40
oke that's an other story. but i love her to death so can't imagine myself not being with her. Or being away for 2000km so then i would move to Poland
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
29 Aug 2008 /  #41
hi thought id bring you up to date. i went out for a month-he stayed with me the whole time-this i did not expect!! we talked and talked. it would appear he hasnt told his parents just how serious he is about me. he hasnt told them about my children. his mother likes his x-wife and would like them to get back together. he is hoping to build houses on his parents farm land-but they are old-fashioned. he is the only one in his family really earning money and he has to divide this between his x-wife-his son his business and his parents -he supports them and what is left of the farm business. he feels torn between his duties and what he reallly wants. he has asked me to be patient and wait until he feels the time is right to inform his family of his intentions with me. i am now back in england and i am not sure what to do. neither of us want to finish our feelings are very strong but i feel pretty much alone and way down his list of priorities-i feel like i am having an affair with him -i mean the real me is a secret from his parents
sausage 19 | 777  
29 Aug 2008 /  #42
i went out for a month-he stayed with me the whole time

This is good news anyway.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
29 Aug 2008 /  #43
yes but he told his family he was with friends in zakopane-but his brother knew he was with me. i need some help in how to handle this situation
Wroclaw Boy  
29 Aug 2008 /  #44
He is spinning you a web of lies, the problem for him is that this web will need to be retracted and explained at some point to you. Look for clues catch him out, in the words of the great Sherlock Holmes something is a foot here Watson.

Caution, Poles can scheme more than you or I can possibly imagine. Sorry but thats the hard truth im afraid.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
1 Sep 2008 /  #45
i do fel something is not right not sure what it is
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
1 Sep 2008 /  #46
are you totally sure that the ex is really 100% ex? Are they actually divorced or just separated? Dont underestimate the parents influence on engineering them to get back together. It does sound like he loves you, but is keeping his options open as he is obviously too scared to tell his parents about you and him for whatever reason that might be.
Doubtfullove 4 | 28  
1 Sep 2008 /  #47
..something is not right...I don't think he is telling you the whole truth..

Okay so maybe his parents are old fashioned and might find it difficult to relate to a high flying woman, and if that is the case why doesn't he introduce you as a friend rather than a girlfriend. They have already spoken to you on the telephone so they know you exist. Surely his mother would want to meet you. I can't imagine any mother who wouldn't be interested in knowing who their son is friends with or dating.. (most mothers are very nosey) Also they can't be that naieve to think that he is not meeting different types of people given he is travelling around with his work...!

Maybe his family would find it hard to accept you but how will you or your boyfriend really know this unless you meet them.

I would insist on meeting his family before you let this go on any further. He is not treating you with the respect you deserve. He is a grown man, not a boy! Tell him to stop acting like one. Don't waste your life waiting for someone who is not willing to go out of his way for you.

As for staying with you the whole month and telling his parents that he was staying with a friend...then whats to stop him from lying to his wife? and saying he was working away...or you, that he can't be with you for all the reasons he is stating.... He may well be telling the truth but how can you really know the true person if he is not including you in his whole life.

I would insist that he takes you to meet his family and his friends so you know exactly what kind of person you are putting your love/energy/dreams and future in to.

From what I have read you seems to have such low expectations from what you should be getting from this relationship. (i.e not living together, not meeting his family, keeping you and his other life seperate....) Just because you are an independent woman doesn't mean to say you shouldn't be allowed these things. I wonder if your previous relationships/marriage breakup has left you feeling like you don't deserve someones 100% commitment.?

Okay..thats my rant over..kinda touched a raw nerve with this topic. I had a boyfriend that kept me at arms length for many years....and after a while it began to make me feel worthless.... Don't let it happen to you. Hope it all works out for you. x
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
2 Sep 2008 /  #48
I would insist on meeting his family before you let this go on any further. He is not treating you with the respect you deserve. He is a grown man, not a boy! Tell him to stop acting like one. Don't waste your life waiting for someone who is not willing to go out of his way for you.

Honey, not everyone wants to meet the "inlaws" - like you pointed out he is a grown man, maybe he prefers not to parade his girlfriends in front on mummy and daddy for inspection.

I would insist that he takes you to meet his family and his friends so you know exactly what kind of person you are putting your love/energy/dreams and future in to.

You can't always judge a man by his family, trust me I know this.

From what I have read you seems to have such low expectations from what you should be getting from this relationship. (i.e not living together, not meeting his family, keeping you and his other life seperate....) Just because you are an independent woman doesn't mean to say you shouldn't be allowed these things. I wonder if your previous relationships/marriage breakup has left you feeling like you don't deserve someones 100% commitment.?

We are all different...what you might find strange it is perfectly normal to another.

We don't know the ins and outs of this ladys situation so I think it's pretty unfair to judge him or her.

She sounds like she is aware of most things and I'm sure she will make her own mind up as to how she deals with it.
miranda  
2 Sep 2008 /  #49
the whole situation sounds fishy.
Doubtfullove 4 | 28  
2 Sep 2008 /  #50
Honey, not everyone wants to meet the "inlaws" - like you pointed out he is a grown man, maybe he prefers not to parade his girlfriends in front on mummy and daddy for inspection.

yes not everyone does want to meet the inlaws, however she obviously feels excluded and feels something is not right. I think he owes it to her to make her feel more included.

You can't always judge a man by his family, trust me I know this.

This is true, however I do think that you get to know more about a person if you know their family. Good and bad.

We are all different...what you might find strange it is perfectly normal to another

Again I agree, but she is obviously confused and needs more from this guy. If not then she would just accept the situation.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
2 Sep 2008 /  #51
i am getting a little frustrated with this situation. it is not always important to "get on " with the inlaws but i think it is best that you do. as long as the relationship between two people is strong. My boyfriend is very much involved with his family and feels responsible but i do think he is asking alot from me. he pleads with me to understand and on ocassions when i have said it is all getting too much and maybe we should cool things he says no way he wants me in his life forever. how can i be in his life if a big part of his life he lets me nowhere near?

i have suggested he introduces me as a very good friend- but this may not be possible as his family know we are involved. he does not let me meet his son or his x-and he has actually said he wants to avoid certain areas "just in case" his x is there. i am close to one of his sisters only on the telephone -but we have exchanged photos and she tells me there is no other women and he is always talking about me.i asked her recently if there is some "secret" i should know-she knows i wonder why her brother is relunctant to take me "home". she told me her family are quite poor and they know i am sucessful-she thinks this could be the problem
the traveller 4 | 24  
3 Sep 2008 /  #52
Being frustrated doesn't lead you anywhere. Only relaxed you will make it through.

Maybe it is time you push the situation a bit. Meet them all :) And maybe his family turns to like you. Sometimes good people understand eachother without many words. They grasp the good intention instinctively. In any case, even if you do not feel necessary to meet his family i think it is necessary because it is a part of his life, past and present. He loves them.

It is certain and obvious he is previous relationship has not finished 100% in his head. He doesn't want to hurt his x's feelings since he doesn;t want you to meet, even accidentally, Because maybe he loves her, not as a woman but as a person and as part of his life. From what I have been reading he is not a scum or malevolent person. And people that are constant on their duties towards their family are somehow rare today. He is trying to compromise everything in his life.

Just risk it and push a bit more so that you enter also the other half of his life
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
3 Sep 2008 /  #53
when i was there i drove round his area and he knows about it. his world hasnt collapsed. i just think he is panicking unnecessarily and i have wondered about taking the risk-but i dont want to go against his wishes and cause any problems. i am sure everything will be fine but he is worrying about something. i have thought of writing to his parents, but i dont know if this would be appropriate. he is a good man and he has mnay good qualities. i want to be with him without this stress. i do think he has some residual feelings for his x and i have tried to discuss this with him. it would appear she is keen to get back with him and he is made to feel guilty-he says he does not want to get back with her. i have told him i want him to be happy. he says i make him happy. i have recently told him how much i love him and i want to be with him always and support him and that i am unhappy being away from him. he knoes i am unhappy and tells me to be happy that he wants to be with me forever. i have pushed it a bit saying that i am going back to poland soon to be with him. he has not returned my calls for two days. i think he knows the push is coming-maybe this is what is needed?
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
3 Sep 2008 /  #54
I think he has a lot on his plate and life isn't always as simple as we would like...trying to please too many people can cause a whole lot of stress.

Only time will tell and only you will know what to do.

Good luck :)
angel 14 | 86  
3 Sep 2008 /  #55
well we all have stress in our lives sometimes of our own doing. reading his thread it does sound like this guy is trying to please too many people. you sound like a very patient and understanding woman who obviously loves this man very much. BUT you do matter and it seems to me he is keeping you a "secret" so he can escape to this secret life when he needs a respite from his demanding family.

it is admirable that he supports his family but i dont think he is happy, you obviously make him happy and you sound as if you would help him with his family problems.

the question is what does he want from you? because i am not sure
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
3 Sep 2008 /  #56
I have never met my in-laws and it doesnt affect my relationship, so i dont think that you reallly need to do so to have a serious relationship with him. You do however, need to know the truth about the reason why and I dont feel he is being honest with you.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
4 Sep 2008 /  #57
I have never met my in-laws

how long have you been together and why have you not met the in laws?
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
4 Sep 2008 /  #58
GL I have sent you a PM explaining my situation
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
9 Sep 2008 /  #59
hi sapphire thanks for the pm.

i have been having long long talks on the telephone with my boyfriend.

he does want to be with me and he is happier when he is in england and we are together. he has now told me there is a crisis in his parents situation his father has been told he may only have a year or two to live -he has a heart condition- his mother has been crying asking him to stay and sort things out. his mother is worried he will leave poland to be with me-

again he has asked me to understand and for the time being he does not want to involve me in his crisis there, he says its his responsibilty .

he does feel torn between his duty and loyalty to his family and his feelings for me.

he insists that one day things will be better for us and that seeing each other once a month for a few days is the best compromise at the moment.

i have told him that i want to support him and be in poland with him-but he insists that i will not be able to cope with the lifestyle there and he really does want to be in england longterm going to poland on short visits once this crisis has settlted.

its really hard for me because i love him very much and i want to be there but he is a proud man and wants to sort things out for himself.
the traveller 4 | 24  
9 Sep 2008 /  #60
Coming to the bottom, the status quo might not be such a bad situation after all. We have from one side a man of duty with love affection and understanding for his family and girlfriend and on the other hand, you who loves him and understands him equally much. In Greece we say , that there where is love, (it is as if) all the other things are in ambondance.

I have never seen absolute happines but i have seen average happiness being destroyed on the way to achieve absolute happiness. If you now manage to achieve a balance between these two extremes for sure this will happen slowly and gradually. I think that time is on your side on this

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