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moving to poland to be together is this the right decision?


goodlady 2 | 31  
23 Jun 2008 /  #1
i hope i can get some good advise. i feel a bit silly asking for your help but i am having some problems understanding my polish boyfriend. here goes.

we have been together for two years. i met him here in the uk. after 4months of "dating" he moved in. we lived together for best part of a year. everything great. we both agreed no pressure on each other see how it goes. well it went well. love growing between us. we love each other very much. whats the problem?

well he is working in poland (he works for himself) building business. he has been in poland for longer than he thought -business issues-i have been seeing him regularly going over for a week when i can. he has business connections here-they basically run themselves-so for the forseeable future he is based in poland.

this has taken its toll on our relationship in the sense that we have been missing each other so much. he misses me as much as i miss him-we are both adult about the relationship but we need to be nearer to each other. because i am in a postion to be flexible with my work i have decided to work and live in poland. i will have my own place. he has a shared house over there.

he feels bad that i am doing this move as he feels he should be the one coming to me. i have told him i do not want to be away from him and i am ok with moving there.

our plans are to have a place there and one in england-he has family (no he is not married) in poland and i here. our work and financiial circumstances allow for this life style.

he is having trouble accepting my move.

we both lead independant lives and our respective families know of our relationship- but we have never involved them. there has been no need to introduce one another to our families. this is what i think is worrying him. we have both been married before and we are happy with our arrangement with each other. but as he has a large family in poland also loosely involved in his business and his father is disabled ( he spends quite a bit of time with him and his mother ) he is worrying about sharing his time between me his business and his family. i have told him i understand and ld rather be nearer him and see him a few times a week than apart from him for weeks on end and then an intense week together which we both find hard withdrawing from.

i have told him i understand his responsibilities but for the sake of the relationship i feel this is the right decision.

what are your thoughts please
IronsE11 2 | 442  
23 Jun 2008 /  #2
Can you speak Polish?

If so, go for it (if it's what you want).

If not... well...
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
23 Jun 2008 /  #3
yes i can speak some polish and i will be learning more i will be keeping myself busy in poland and i make friends easily. i am just concerned about my boyfriends reaction. i think i should do it its just that he is not giving me the reassurence i think he should-
sausage 19 | 777  
23 Jun 2008 /  #4
i am just concerned about my boyfriends reaction

I can relate to this (from personal experience!). To you, it makes perfect sense, but not to him. You need to get to the bottom of it, not going to be easy. I can only sympathise.
wildrover 98 | 4,451  
23 Jun 2008 /  #5
Am i the only one who smells something fishy here....I wish you luck lady , but i have heard on this very forum so many stories of Polish guys that have one life in the UK...and another secret life in Poland , usually involving a wife or girlfriend and kids......I really wish you the best , but you need to know whats going on in Poland.....
IronsE11 2 | 442  
23 Jun 2008 /  #6
guys that have one life in the UK...and another secret life in Poland , usually involving a wife or girlfriend and kids

Pure scum...
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
23 Jun 2008 /  #7
we both lead independant lives and our respective families know of our relationship- but we have never involved them.

The clue to any problem is right here.

Are you sure that he has even mentioned you to his family ? And if so, in what capacity ?

It's not clear if you have actually met his family.

If you are looking for advice, I have to ask questions.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
23 Jun 2008 /  #8
i have never met his family and he has not met mine. i have talked on the phone to several of his relatives and friends and have meet some of his friends-we did live together and i have had good conversations with them . there has been no need to meet them and i am not expexting that when i am in poland- though i suppose it may happen-we are not planning to "marry" we have a good relationship and i do believe he just thinks he will not be able to give me the attention he normally does. he takes me out-buys me gifts-supports me. i have not thought there maybe someone else-i trust him- it has never crossed my mind- he works very long hours-i just want to be near to him
Ranj 21 | 948  
23 Jun 2008 /  #9
i have not thought there maybe someone else-i trust him- it has never crossed my mind- he works very long hours-i just want to be near to him

But let's say there is someone else, would you still want to be near to him? Not to burst your bubble, goodlady, but based on what you have said, I have to agree with Wildrover in that something is very fishy. My guess is he has someone in Poland....I don't buy for one second that he doesn't want you there because he's worried he can't give you the attention he normally does.....he's worried you will find out about the other woman he is sleeping with.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
23 Jun 2008 /  #10
i have never met his family and he has not met mine.

I find this rather strange. You seem to be resisting a meeting for some reason.

If you meet the family then you might find clues as to why he is resisting your move to Poland.

My first thought was that he is shagging someone else, but I'm not so sure.

There is certainly something odd in the way both of you treat this relationship.

Is there a big age difference, children, difference in ethnic background ?
PinkJewel  
23 Jun 2008 /  #11
i will have my own place.

I'm slightly confused by this. Does this mean that you will be completely relocating to Poland for this guy but you won't be living with him? Or have I got mixed up somewhere.

If that is the case then a warning light comes on for me. He's resisting your moving there and you'll not be living together. Something odd there. It's almost like you're moving there to be the other woman.

our plans are to have a place there

Now I am confused. Please explain what your living arrangement will be in PL.

The fact that he is resisting you moving there at all is the major warning though. If he wanted you there so much he'd, of course, be making sure you felt you were doing the right thing but it would also be a major event for him. A happy event.

there has been no need to meet them and i am not expexting that when i am in poland-

I'm not getting that either. You don't want to meet his family or he won't let you?

This is a strange one indeed. I think you need to think long and hard about this.
sausage 19 | 777  
23 Jun 2008 /  #12
I think you need to think long and hard about this

I am in a similar situation. There is no easy answer I think. Perhaps to move there temporarily is the best thing.
PinkJewel  
23 Jun 2008 /  #13
There is no easy answer, you're right. Moving there temporarily may not be an option. A holiday there before any further decisions are made might be though.

If the OP is experiencing any doubts though, I'd guess she should put all plans on hold until the doubts have been worked out.
sausage 19 | 777  
23 Jun 2008 /  #14
Moving there temporarily may not be an option

True, perhaps an extended holiday is a better option. He should, of course, be delighted that goodlady is prepared to relocate. Perhaps goodlady could list his objections. On a lighter note, what starsign is he? I have a theory!
PinkJewel  
23 Jun 2008 /  #15
He should, of course, be delighted that goodlady is prepared to relocate

Well, that's what I think. He doesn't seem to be delighted at all, in fact the opposite.

Perhaps goodlady could list his objections.

That might be a good idea. They might be legit after all.

On a lighter note, what starsign is he? I have a theory!

What's the theory?
sausage 19 | 777  
23 Jun 2008 /  #16
What's the theory?

Not much of a theory... but a theory nonetheless..
That he is the same starsign as me and my girlfriend
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
24 Jun 2008 /  #17
i am 36 i have two children 18 and 16 (i married young)-i am divorced- i work for myself internet based business and i move around the world. i have lived in different countries over the years-children boarding school since 11-

he is 33 -he has one child boy 11-he is on good terms with his x-wife as i am with my x-husband.

i will be in Pozan-i know people there and have business connections.

he is based in Bydgoszcz. his parents live north of Bydgoszcz-he provides for them-he is very busy with his business. he is a hard working guy-who feels he is responsible for making everyone happy and he constantly tells me how lucky he is to have me and how understanding i am. He is busy establishing a second phase of his business and our plans are to compute eventually between poland and england. At this stage in our relationship there is no need to do formal introductions to parents etc-i am ok with this.

he has said he his family may consider my independence strange. because i lead a cosmopolitan lifestyle and have done for many years-he comes from a rural low paced lifesyle and he is the one that has broken free from this and his family are worried he will move to england permeantly.
ina_pod - | 32  
24 Jun 2008 /  #18
[quote=goodlady]he has said he his family may consider my independence strange. because i lead a cosmopolitan lifestyle and have done for many years-he comes from a rural low paced lifesyle and he is the one that has broken free from this and his family are worried he will move to england permeantly.[/quote

Wait a sec...we live in XXI Century in Poland- Central Europe not Iran or Sudan..
Your man should be proud of you that you are an independant person...I just don't get it...Take your time and trust your intuition...Good luck:)
the_falkster 1 | 180  
24 Jun 2008 /  #19
sorry to say that, but it sounds very blue-eyed to me.

i would not even consider to make the move before i had at least met his family...

i am not saying that there is something wrong, but there are ways to make sure there isn't, BEFORE you decide...
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
24 Jun 2008 /  #20
we live in XXI Century in Poland

Anybody who has spent any time in Poland knows fully that not all the country has moved on from the 20th C and that some have not actually moved on from the first half of the 20th C.

goodlady

Go and live a fun, independent life in Poland.
ina_pod - | 32  
24 Jun 2008 /  #21
Oh, c'mon...Bydgoszcz is not in the end of the World:)
VaFunkoolo 6 | 654  
24 Jun 2008 /  #22
Hmmm... Over the years we have had random people turn up and try to present a picture of Bydgoszcz that is most certainly not accurate. Comparing it to Paris and Prague, as some have tried, does nobody any favours.

Whilst some of Poland sits very comfortably in the 21st C, this is not true for all of it. It's a long time since I went to Bydgoszc and there are many places higher on the list to visit before I return ;)
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
24 Jun 2008 /  #23
he has said he his family may consider my independence strange. because i lead a cosmopolitan lifestyle and have done for many years-he comes from a rural low paced lifesyle and he is the one that has broken free from this and his family are worried he will move to england permeantly.

You seem to have resoved your problem right here.

But he still may be a little closer to his ex wife than he cares to admit.

Also, it does occur to me that he might be a little embarassed by your success.

If your lifestyle allows you to move to Poland. Then go for it.

I would ask admin to remove the first three paragraphs of post 17.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
24 Jun 2008 /  #24
it does occur to me that he might be a little embarassed by your success.

this has crossed my mind. we have a good relationship and enjoy being together. his wife did not work and always wanted him to be with him 24/7

i will go and live in poland for a while-so i am there for him and i hope in time he will realise things will settle and his new lifestyle will be accepted
sausage 19 | 777  
24 Jun 2008 /  #25
i will go and live in poland for a while

I hope it goes well for you. Keep us posted!
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
25 Jun 2008 /  #26
i spoke to my boyfriend last night.

he said he is happy i will be there. he feels bad he has been in poland for longer than he thought and he didnt want to put pressure on me-saying he hoped i would decide to move to poland on a temporary basis. he is concerned about his family meeting me-they do ask when will they meet me and because they know i will soon be in poland and he knows that the meeting is inevitable. this is what is worrying him. we are to talk about things when i am there. any tips on how to handle this delicate situation, that is meeting his family?
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
25 Jun 2008 /  #27
could it be that he is worried that it will cause problems with his family? Even if he loves you may they may not accept that you are not Polish, perhaps not Catholic? divorced with children. Is he actually divorced or just separated? Maybe they are hoping he will reconcile with his wife? Just some thoughts based on my own experience. Personally I dont think I would move there if you are not going to be living together or at least have some idea that this would be a possibility in the future. I guess you wont know until you try, but I would go for a visit and meet his family before you make the move.
Puzzy 1 | 150  
25 Jun 2008 /  #28
Anybody who has spent any time in Poland knows fully that not all the country has moved on from the 20th C

- Perhaps the same exactly can be said about, ahem, parts of Britain, can't it? Maybe 'goodlady' comes from such an area?

You sound really frustrated by living in Poland, Bubba, oops, VaFukloo. Why don't you end your torment and move back e.g. to the east side of London (where your inferiority complex seems to point you derive from)? That's a top-notch, fancy, pretty, modern, First World, Western area, isn't it?

:)

Isn't goodlady a troll? I also smell something fishy here.
OP goodlady 2 | 31  
25 Jun 2008 /  #29
guess you wont know until you try, but I would go for a visit and meet his family before you make the move.

this is what i have decided to do. i am going out there for a few months and we are going to talk about things. i dont feel he is hiding something but he is worried about acceptance. if there is something he is hiding i think i will find out when i am there- but i really dont think he is seeing anyone there

sapphire there could be some truth in what you say
could it be that he is worried that it will cause problems with his family? Even if he loves you may they may not accept that you are not Polish, perhaps not Catholic? divorced with children. Is he actually divorced or just separated? Maybe they are hoping he will reconcile with his wife?

hi just thought id up date you on my situation. i am to go out to poland within the next few weeks i have decided to go there and rent for a month. since i have told my boyfriend this he has been on the phone more times than normal he has told me he is worried about his family accepting me and they are starting to ask him lots of questions about me. it would seem that he has not told them anything about my lifestyle etc. he tells me i am not the sort of woman they would expect him to be with and the only way he feels he can deal with this situation is to not allow any meeting with them. he says he loves me and will stay with me 2/3 times a week when i am in poland. i am in no hurry to meet his family and i can understand his concerns to a point. but now i am not sure what i mean to him. is it just a cultural differnce and in time he will feel he can introduce me to his family? if i accept what he is asking will he never introduce me-how will that work? obviously his family mean a lot to him, will he always put them before me? and i am sure his family will eventually wonder why they do not meet me? i am so confused i am not sure what to do now
wildrover 98 | 4,451  
30 Jun 2008 /  #30
A very loud warning bell would be going off in my head if i were you.......There is more to this than he is telling you....be very carefull lady....I still say i smell a rat here.....

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