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I just met a Polish lady & we like each other, but its complicated.


T_V 2 | 9  
5 May 2008 /  #1
I'm from the UK but I'm currently in a relationship that I feel has fizzled out over the last yr for various reasons. I met this Polish lady in work & we never really talked until recently.

She asked me how old I was & we are roughly the same age (early 30's) & we just got chatting. When I mentioned my gf her smile dissappeared. Then a few wks later she looked really sad so I asked her what the problem was & she just said that she couldnt tell me now but maybe one day. This really puzzled me & I thought it was a strange thing to say to someone.

The next time I saw her we chatted & I found out that we liked similar styles of music & just seemed to get on very well. Then I asked her what she meant by her strange answer & she just wouldnt say. I assumed that she wouldnt say because she liked me but didnt know how I felt.

This was playing on my mind for a few days because I found that I was also attracted to her but was in a relationship, & I also needed to know that I wasnt just reading the signs wrong.

The next time I saw her I asked if we could talk outside of work as I didnt want any rumours getting around. We met up outside of work & I asked her how she felt about me. She said that I knew how she felt but couldnt say anything because of my current relationship. We chatted for a few hrs in town & felt the same about a lot of subjects. I needed to know whether she was gonna be around for long because I didnt want to start anything & then she goes & leaves me. She said she doesnt want to go back to Poland & she cant because she lost her card or something so she would have to go to London in order to get a new 1 if she wanted to go back.

I said I wanted to meet her again, so we met at her flat. We had Tea & biscuits & we chatted some more.
We met again at hers & again just chatted. She explained to me that she is quite used to being on her own but doesnt want to be played because her last bf cheated on her, & she sometimes felt that us meeting was wrong, but I tried to explain to her that we werent doing anything other than talking. I explained to her that I needed to get to know her & she needed to get to know me a little better & that I would never attempt to be intimate with her until I had sorted out my current relationship.

I just dont want to keep her waiting for too long just in case I lose her, but I need to make sure that she feels the same way as me & isnt going to just use me & move on.

What should I do?
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
5 May 2008 /  #2
What should I do?

break up with your girlfriend and then ask us.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
5 May 2008 /  #3
yeah, end the first relationship before you start another.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
5 May 2008 /  #4
Why don't you ask your girlfriend what you should do and see if she can help you.
polishgirltx  
5 May 2008 /  #5
yeah...i think that an emotional affair is worst then a sexual relationship, if we talk about cheating...
to make another step, you have to first finish the previous one...

Why don't you ask your girlfriend what you should do and see if she can help you.

lol...i'm sure she'd come up with a great idea about that deal...
OP T_V 2 | 9  
5 May 2008 /  #6
I'm sorry if I'm coming across as an idiot to you ppl.

I've been avoiding the dreaded 'ditching' situation as I'm normally the 1 who gets ditched & so I know what it feels like, & its not a situation that I ever thought I'd be in, & getting ditched doesnt get any easier the more it happens. However you guys are right & I feel the time is right & will discuss the situation with my gf & finish it tonight.

I'm sorry again if I've offended anyone
polishgirltx  
5 May 2008 /  #7
good luck T_V.... i hope you'll make a right choice...
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
5 May 2008 /  #8
I've been avoiding the dreaded 'ditching' situation as I'm normally the 1 who gets ditched & so I know what it feels like, & its not a situation that I ever thought I'd be in, & getting ditched doesnt get any easier the more it happens. However you guys are right & I feel the time is right & will discuss the situation with my gf & finish it tonight.

She is probably not going to be as surprised as you think she is. I'm sure your feelings for someone else have shown.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
5 May 2008 /  #9
I would never attempt to be intimate with her until I had sorted out my current relationship.

oh that's nice, "sort out" eh? you met some insecure woman who happens to be Polish so you will just ditch your gf because you wanna be the man and save and protect that other one. thats all it takes for you to end your current relationship? i feel sorry for your current gf and i hope she dumps you first. what do you expect people will say? "follow your heart"???? geez, do what you wanna do, just dont come here and expect acceptance.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
5 May 2008 /  #11
thats all it takes for you to end your current relationship?

can you read or do you just foam up pavlov style?

I'm from the UK but I'm currently in a relationship that I feel has fizzled out over the last yr for various reasons.

PolskaDoll 28 | 2,105  
5 May 2008 /  #12
T_V - relationships start and end, that's life. Don't feel guilty that you have met a woman who you feel more connected to than your current girlfriend, especially as you have already acknowledged that the relationship there is probably over.

You owe it both to your girlfriend and to your new lady to actually end the relationship you are currently in. If you start a relationship with this new lady, she should feel that it is indeed a new relationship and that everything with your other girlfriend is over and done with, she shouldn't feel like she is "hanging on" for anything.

You haven't really done anything wrong. You've realised your current relationship is finishing and you've been honest with your new lady and told her that until your previous relationship is sorted out, you won't go any further with her, your new lady will understand that, I'm sure of it. Good luck :)
OP T_V 2 | 9  
5 May 2008 /  #13
Thanks PolskaDoll. I think u understood exactly what I was trying to get across on here.

I dont want to go into any lengthy detail about why my current gf & I are not as close.
I feel that I have hit a tender spot with some ppl on here & feel that they have possibly been in a similar situation themselves & that this is why they are angry with me, or it may be the opposite in that they cant understand my current dilemma as they havent experienced it for themselves. If that is the case then I'm sorry but this is a totally new situation for me to be in as I am now on the other end.

I am in a relationship with someone who although I care for I dont really love anymore & feel that we are just living like lodgers together. I will always care for her, but its more like the way I care for a friend or my brother. With some former partners we cut ourselves off from them completely usually because they hurt us & with others we still remain good friends as we just drift apart as lovers. We just dont seem to spend time together again for various reasons & I now its been so long that I feel that I dont want to spend any of my time with her anymore. This is not about sex either. I can take it or leave it tbh & u dont hear that from a lot of men!

What I was trying to say was that I will converse with my gf which will mean that I will be ending our relationship regardless of this Polish lady. As I've mentioned I have been in a similar situation & realise that its best to move on than waste another persons precious life by just being there in a 'comfortable situation' for no reason when they could be having a better life with someone else also.

However if when I am single myself & this Polish lady do get together I just want to make sure that she's gonna be around & really wants to be with me because I dont go for short term relationships & its very easy for ppl to say that they dont want to go back to their home country right now, but maybe 1 yr down the line she may get homesick or wish to leave & move on to another country, as I have heard many Polish ppl are currently doing due to the weak pound at the moment.

As I've said this is a really tricky situation for me & I'm not trying to make myself out to be some sort of hero either.

Has anyone on here been in a similar situation?
PolskaDoll 28 | 2,105  
5 May 2008 /  #14
Thanks PolskaDoll. I think u understood exactly what I was trying to get across on here.

OK :) I've been there ;)

Has anyone on here been in a similar situation?

Aye! :)

It is a tricky situation. I think if you talk to your current girlfriend about your relationship you'll find she is thinking the same. She probably cares for you a great deal too but feels that things have fizzled out. So you're right, talk with her, discuss your relationship and bring it to an end if that is how things should be.

However if afterwards myself & this Polish lady do get together I just want to make sure that she's gonna be around & really wants to be with me because I dont go for short term relationships & its very easy for ppl to say that they dont want to go back to their home country right now, but maybe 1 yr down the line she may get homesick or wish to leave & move on to another country, as I have heard many Polish ppl are currently doing due to the weak pound at the moment.

Well, unfortunately you have no control over anyone's emotions or feelings so if this new lady of yours is happy at the moment with being in UK and you really want to be with her you have to go for it. If she feels in 6 months or a year that she is homesick or it's time to go home then that's how it will be. Don't miss out being with her because of what "might" happen. You have to go for it. Who knows? You might want to go with her if that does happen. Or you might give her a great reason for staying here and making it work.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
6 May 2008 /  #15
I feel that I have hit a tender spot with some ppl on here & feel that they have possibly been in a similar situation themselves & that this is why they are angry with me, or it may be the opposite in that they cant understand my current dilemma as they havent experienced it for themselves. If that is the case then I'm sorry but this is a totally new situation for me to be in as I am now on the other end.

Nobody is mad at you. We're all human and have been there ourselves. I would be surprised if no one here has ever been there. What were you hoping we would say, that you should ask the Polish woman to wait for you while you decide what to do about your current relationship? Why are you still with your girlfriend if you don't want to be? She has the right to help you decide what to do. It's her situation now, too.

By the way, are you absolutely sure you want to invest your time and feelings into the new woman if she's inviting you to her home while you're attached to someone else? She's could easily do the same thing to you behind your back someday when she meets another man. She's shown you what she's like.
finT 12 | 167  
6 May 2008 /  #16
T_V
You sound like a good, decent guy. These situations are always complex and very difficult but unfortunately we all have to go through them. I wouldn't count too much on a Polish girl who is lonely, has lost her 'dowod osobisty' (card) etc. On the other hand if your relationship is on the slide then sometimes it takes someone else to 'set closure' and I don't mean someone to f### but someone outside of your circle to talk to. It can put things into perspective. I know all about the 'being dumped rather than doing the dumping' scenario ALWAYS happens to me! I think it's fear of breaking up and a misguided belief that things can be salvaged which then leads to a period of time holding onto something which is long gone and then everyone is unhappy until one day your GF will be the one to have the strength to end the relationship (in reality that's a courageous action and eventually leads to everyones happiness and one day you will thank her for that!) I suggest ignoring JustysiaS comment, that just sounds like bitterness, anger at men and designed to hurt. Listen to PolskaDoll, 'the voice of reason'. From what you have written you genuinely sound like you don't know what to do but are unhappy with your own situation. Lots of men would probably act like total sh!ts in such a situation. Hope you do the right thing and it all works out for you mate.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
6 May 2008 /  #17
can you read or do you just foam up pavlov style?

and cant you last a day without critisising any of my posts? do you have a life? obviously not, you slut shagger.

that just sounds like bitterness, anger at men and designed to hurt

oh yeah course it does, i hate men, just like that one thing they have which makes me happy haha. im saying that he would rather end his relationship instead of trying to make it work and its all because of a little insecure woman who doesnt even know what she wants with him! who will probably say "sorry but its not working for me, im not ready for a new relationship yet" after a few weeks. plus i despise people who consider dating someone else whilst they are still with their partner, no matter how unhappy they are its just nasty. if he didnt meet that polish woman, he would never even consider doing anything about his current relationship.
miranda  
6 May 2008 /  #18
if he didnt meet that polish woman, he would never even consider doing anything about his current relationship.

how do you know that. I wish life was black and white as you desrcibe it Justy. Cut some slack, before you jump to conclusion. We don't know the whole story, do we?
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 May 2008 /  #19
exactly Miranda and i went by the words he wrote. critisising your post J, well just correcting really. call me what you want, i don't care but, read carefully before you jump down this dude's throat.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
6 May 2008 /  #20
i do not think life is black and white. if the guy was totally innocent here, he wouldve told us the whole story without the "complicated" bits in it, thats what i think. if you feel like youre in a dead end relationship and you might've grown apart over the years, sit down with your partner and talk to her, see how she feels. maybe she doesnt feel like its over yet and she is not looking for "replacement" yet either? maybe it will actually hurt her feelings if you move on so fast. growing apart in a relationship is not only caused by boredom but also the lack of communication. even if it is over, you must have this talk no matter how much you dread it. i know the polish woman seems interesting and a breath of fresh air, but you dont really know her yet by the sounds of it, so why sacrifice something that was so important for so long for something so sudden and unclear? im usually not the first person to jump at ones throat, but as i said, i do not like when somebody who is in a relationship is already looking for a "better model".

call me what you want, i don't care

and as for you, really stop being so desperate to offend me or annoy me everytime i post something on this forum. you dont like me - thats cool, but be a grown up and try act like one without picking on me all the time for no apparent reason.
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
6 May 2008 /  #21
yeah, end the first relationship before you start another.

Nah, that would only show he's no good at multitasking.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
6 May 2008 /  #22
now that is womens speciality ;-)
erialc43 1 | 36  
7 May 2008 /  #23
To me, the issue seems to be do I want to be with my current partner, not so much as do I want a Polish lady.

Sort 1 issue at a time, this makes life easier I find.

C
wildrover 98 | 4,451  
7 May 2008 /  #24
She is gonna turn out to have a boyfriend in Poland......been there , done that , lost the house , worn the tee shirt.....just watch yourself mate....much as i love Polish people , i have met a few tricky women....
miranda  
7 May 2008 /  #25
i do not think life is black and white.

In the ideal world it would happen, but form my experience men generally don't try to solve problems in a relationship, just move on to another woman.
OP T_V 2 | 9  
26 Feb 2009 /  #26
ok right

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