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Dating a Polish guy..acceptance in family?


sister act 2 | 88  
22 Apr 2009 /  #31
Would kinda like to have abit of relationship with the family

aussie_expat
Member
Threads: 4
Posts: 37
Joined: Aug 9, 08

And when I do something that is different it is always questioned by everyone (like why am I toasting the bread when its fresh?) to *shock horror*

I am married to a polish man for 4 years, I realised in the early days that if i was a saint she would not of approved of me no matter what i did she was never happy. so i haven't seen her in more than a year. I don't go to family functions when i know she will be there and i never invited her to any of mine. Like my wedding or childrens events, i just tell her i don't want any drama so she is not invited. Even after all that she still tries to cause trouble for us.
OP aussie_expat 5 | 41  
11 May 2009 /  #32
Meh, I'm so over it now.
In the area where my family comes form, his whole family really think they are something
*rolls eyes*

Now, I don't much care about a relationship with his parents..such a relief!
freebird 3 | 532  
11 May 2009 /  #33
But his family isn't the drinking type.

well, I guess they are not Polish then, LOL
angelika04 - | 4  
13 May 2009 /  #34
his mum and brothers gf always refer to me as "Ona" which I find a little rude

Yes it is quite rude when we refer to each other as on or ona when the person is still in the room. They reason why they are doing this might be because they don't have respect for you, they don't want you to know that they are talking about you, or a combination of both.

I'm Polish and I have a Polish boyfriend and his 30 year old cousin pisses me off so bad when she refers to me as "ta twoja" or "ona" right in front of me, because she forgets my name ( we've been dating for 3 years and she still forgets my name). It is very highly annoying lol. I just sometimes want to call her a fat cow or something but that would definatelly send me into the "exile" section of his family. lol
OP aussie_expat 5 | 41  
15 May 2009 /  #35
Maybe they don't have respect for me because I'm not into the whole "cooking and seving my man whenever he wants" attitude..oh maybe they are jealous of it lol
Ksysia 25 | 430  
15 May 2009 /  #36
I just want to point out one thing - it's not necessarily about race - it may be, but does not have to.

I know that If you consider syourself to look different, you will be tempted to use this as an explanation. But if you look around, it's not such a homogenous country in fact. It's only been like that since the last war, but people of mixed origins, especially with the Siberian and other Asian peoples, are still here. Some are even Polish Muslim. Some still bear the features of the Gengis Chan invasion - two blond parents can have almond eyed child.

It's a new situation for us to be homogenous.

Also there is the thing that we stare differently to other nations - I knwo about this. Brits always look to me like they are avoiding direct eye contact in conversation, and I apparently don't look at them and smile on the streets.

But my point is - it's quite possible that the problem is personal, not racist. My mom has not spoken to my bf for 7 years until a year ago. And he's blond. It's common in troubled familied that they think the new spouse is stealing the child and ruining the order. Not necessarily alcoholic families, but maybe tyrant ones.

Just my opinion.
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
15 May 2009 /  #37
If you look Asian that's the big issue.

I think the statement is too categorical.
I had an Asian (Japanese) gf and there were no issues on my family's side. There were some on the other side of the globe though, as I am not Japanese

You will always be an outsider as you are not Polish.

That applies to place4s like UK too and often it has little to do with the race. Just look at them Brits and Poles in UK.

Mom will always blame you for anything her 'baby' does wrong.

She would anyway. That's what moms are for. Regardless whether the daughter in law is black, white, pink of translucent.

I'm Polish and I have a Polish boyfriend and his 30 year old cousin pisses me off so bad when she refers to me as "ta twoja" or "ona" right in front of me, because she forgets my name ( we've been dating for 3 years and she still forgets my name). It is very highly annoying lol. I just sometimes want to call her a fat cow or something but that would definatelly send me into the "exile" section of his family. lol

point in case.
Ja Przybylem - | 42  
15 May 2009 /  #38
Here are my 2 cents...

It's pretty darn tough to gain acceptance. This is about culture - it's not even specific to being polish. I know many koreans whose entire family wants them to end up with a korean, mexican with mexican, indian with indian, etc., etc.

I'm a polish male who has dated outside of my ethnicity and it's been mostly hell. For one, my parents had a tough time accepting non-Poles, especially when me and my brothers dated non whites in the past. My dad made the comment to my brother about his asian girl 'what is a chink going to do for you? You want to fly to China every couple of years to see her family?' My mom still ribs on me for having American friends - Americans are not slavs and they do not think like us. Crap, I was helping a friend find a car for his asian lady and the seller (polish guy I know) went off on me about his car being sold to an asian. Like it or not, that's the way it is.

Second, there is a culture clash that can be tough at times. For example, I've dated other ethnicities and this is hard because you're bringing two completely different cultures, with many traditional aspects, together. I've dated a couple of koreans, one who I was serious with. Her parents did not like me, she would hide me from her parents, lie to me about it, etc. In the end, I blew up and decided that this is not worth it. Relationships are tough as it is and I don't need this extra BS of multiracial issues.

The 'ona' comment is disrespectful, but trust me, I'd consider that one of the nicer things the family can refer to you as. I have heard far, far worse.

In the end you'll do what makes you happy, regardless of what others say. You have to decide if it's worth it, but to me, it sounds like quite a lot of friction early on.

Oh, and it's just not Poles who are racist. I have plenty of Italian, Greek, etc., friends who are as racist as they come. Again, it's not just about being polish - birds of a feather flock together for a reason. This isn't about maturity or waking up to a multicultural world, it's reality.
asiag21 - | 2  
15 May 2009 /  #39
I would like to say that Polish people want their sons/daughters to be Polish. We have a lot of pride in our nation and when our partners do not have the same customs or speak the same language it is extremely discouraging. RELIGION IS ALSO VITAL TO OUR CULTURE!!! (Roman Catholics)

If my mother would ever see me with a man who is not polish, she would crucify me. This isn't hard simply because there are a lot of polish people in my area (toronto, can).

Personally, if I was in your position, I would attempt to have a rational conversation with his parents. Also, show some interest into our culture. Learning a little bit more polish would also certainly help :)
MarriedPolish - | 2  
15 May 2009 /  #40
I am Lutheran. My husband's family are a bunch of non-practicing Catholics who after attending our wedding in a Lutheran Church, still thought taht I was Catholic when I'm not. They kept insisting that he was still Catholic when he converted to Lutheranism (My heritage is German). THey were critical of me for a number of years afterwards. We have been married almost 9 years (Oct. 7 is our anniversary). Here's another kicker - We BOTH took on hyphenated names (each other's names) so that we carry both family names as our legal last name. You should have seen how ticked off his mother was after learning this. She said to my mom, "How can you let your daughter do this? This is untraditional! What are you going to do to fix this?!" My mom said "They are both adults and living together before marriage is non-traditional as well, but apparently that was okay with you since you let him do that, so what's a name change?" Needless to saw, she gradually adjusted. We married ater in life - He was 37 and I was 27. My parents paid for EVERYTHING, and his parents paid for NOTHING. We still talk to his parents but they live 1 1/2 hours away. The most recent issue is that Mothers deserve more respect than people who are married and have no kids. My husband's 19 year old niece got knocked up and suddenly we are told that it's a "blessing". She couldn't even bother to tell us until she was in her 8th month. The guy took off after a year of living with her family, and her mobility- disabled sister was told to drop out of college to stay home and take care of her sister's kid. Apparently this is all acceptable though, but in the beginning hyphenated names and not being Catholic was a bt of an issue. It took thenm approximately 7 years to finally start warming up to me. I have a good marriage with my husband, and yes some Polish families are very tightly knit - especially if they live near each other and communicate regularly with each other.

I did not let them dictate to me what I could do. They want my husband and I to apologize to my husband's niece and my husband's sister since they are both mothers (and I'm not unless you count rescued cats and dogs). They feel that an apology is needed since we haven't talked to his sister and niece in two years. The phone does work both ways and his niece cursed us out on our answering service two years ago since we weren't jumping for joy as we were worried about how she would support herself and her kid.

This is what I've dealt with. Hope it helps. Just remember that you can't please everyone and it is your life that is affected as well. You may both have to decide what you plan to do.
Ja Przybylem - | 42  
16 May 2009 /  #41
it is your life that is affected as well.

True, when you marry someone you don't just marry them - you marry their family.

Yes, you do pick who you want to be with and marry, but there is a lot more to it than that, and it can be quite profound. I know someone who lost an entire inheritance (many properties) and was banished by his family, more or less, for marrying outside of his culture, as his family found it very unacceptable. The less extreme forms deal with constant reminders of how your family is unhappy with you decision, and this can even be within the same culture. I know a polish couple where the guys mother despises his wife (not sure why). The mother has done everything possible to make their lives miserable, and given their circumstances in life, she has succeeded. The guys mother is very influential and the guy has 0 opportunity in life now - the guys brother is a very lucky man as he has everything because his mom LOVES his polish wife.

Nothing different in careers or the game of life. When people like you, then you get everything your way.
OP aussie_expat 5 | 41  
17 May 2009 /  #42
Personally, if I was in your position, I would attempt to have a rational conversation with his parents. Also, show some interest into our culture. Learning a little bit more polish would also certainly help :)

Well I can't exactly have a personal cnversation because my polish isn't too crash hot, and I think I have done my fair share of showing interest in the polish culture. Back home in Australia my babysitter, who i still keep in contact with is Polish so I grew up with the culture around. I go to church on the holidays with his family even though I am not religious, and seriously the church service is extremely tiring and boring when you can't understand lol

But I guess I have it easier than some...
Alejandra - | 9  
16 Jun 2009 /  #43
I think my family wouldn't have problems to accept a polish guy though we tend to see them as jackapes sometimes,well,mostly 'coz of what we hear on TV about poles,but I bet that there are some good poles among 60.000 people :)
lukimp80 1 | 74  
16 Jun 2009 /  #44
This woman is a real brain. 60,000 people? The last that I heard is that there were over 38,000,000 people in Poland.
Alejandra - | 9  
16 Jun 2009 /  #45
Whoops forgot some zero's :)) but I was makin ya a compliment so you should thank me skank bag !

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