Off-Topic /
I am a Pariah: My Horror Story [44]
Everyone these days has problems with men :) When you are not socially affiliated, guys avoid you because the girls control the guys, and they forever ostrasize other women who try to run their own ship. If you are meek and desperate and cooperative but you're a boring person or something like that you might get some social affiliation. I like other people and am interested in them, but I'm anti prosocial. Having female friends requires commitment to cooperation, women who think on their own terms are always alone. It's a no brainer when you consider the circumstances, my personality, and understand what the people are like around me.
Also, most men could care less if a woman is intelligent. In fact, I know that a lot of guys intentionally pursue women they think are dumb.
The only reason I feel bad now is because I'm alone and I'm stuck here. My experience growing up was both a strengthening one and a miserable one, which shaped my outlook on life in a negative way. Don't worry, I can't forget my past, if I try to it comes back to haunt me with a vengeance. I'm proud of who I am and my FAMILY is and I don't care what people think. I don't need to go to a Polish fest or talk about Polish stuff to be proud of who I am (although it would be fun and interesting) my whole thing is I want to be around people who are genetically like me (share the same mannerisms, do things in a similar way etc.) so that I can truly feel connected to other people. I'm sick of being too white so that people hate me, and then not waspy enough I mean I just can't win. I'm not that Polish by blood, but I'm a lot more similar to them in every way than other group in my ethnicity. Its impossible to understand the stress and misery of growing up in an environment where you are considered abnormal and everything seems alien to what you are taught at home and what you are naturally accustomed to. Genetics are everything. They influence behavior, appearance, personality, what you're good at and what you're not. The Polish element in my ethnicity is strongly pronounced in me genetically for some reason (maybe it's because they're closely bred, that I have more than I think who knows) so I believe I should try to surround myself more with those other people in order to be happy and feel normal and have a strong sense of belonging.
Not wanting to sound like a pick up line but if you I lived near you I would probably want to meet you,
You like philosophy and religion, so we'd probably have some good conversations. In a perfect world...
Deep down I was never ashamed of my Polish background, but I was associating my differences from other people with my misery. My grandfather was the only one of his family to change his name out of shame for being a polack. One gets all weird and desperate when they were in the situation I was in. It's like a surivival instinct to try to assimilate into the crowd.
