Return PolishForums LIVE
  PolishForums Archive :
Archives - 2005-2009 / Love  % width 55

what is reasonable - he does not want me to go back to poland


angel 14 | 86  
14 Mar 2008 /  #1
you may have seen my other post about my relationship dilema. now i have another issue.
my guy insists he loves me , wants to be with me,has apologised for many things-which i have accepted-he is saying all the right things now. BUT i am still in the same postion-waiting and wating. now is this reasonble?

he is not the best communicator in the world and i know it can be a guy thing but after 2/3 days of me texting and ringing without any replys from him-i start to get frustrated. some of my texts are fun and lovey which do not need a response-and he asks me to sms him all the time and send photos- but he rarely texts and when he calls me its the early hours. he does not like me calling him but i do because he asks me to find out lots of things which i simply cannot put in a text. when i ask him what time is best to call him he says just call and see. quite honestly its like russian roulette if he answers . but he does answer somtimes and it can be any time morning noon night-sometimes he is with poeple. he is not married he has an 8 year old from a relationship he left 3 years ago. i spoke to him on monday and told him i love him very much but his behaviour was exsaperating and i dont understand it- we have lots of issues around out realtionsip-not been together for months -i am older- he says i am a secret and he does not want me to go to poland to visit him-he will see me in england when i ask when he says soon- he on . everytime i talk to him he tells me not to be unhappy that he loves me that he will see me soon, that he is seeing no-one in polandwhen i say i think he is messing me around and i say thamks for a good time but maybe now we should movew on because i thimk he is making excuses he says no and tells me how much he loves me and please wait and understand- because i love him i say yes -but then 2/3days later i am in the same postion waiting for his calls and him comimg to england. i have come so far and i love him so much but please are his requests reasonble and am i being unreasonble expecting an answer to my calls him ti call when he syas but he dosent and for wanting to know whn he will be here.also i am to visit poland with my family in afew weeks time i am tempted to call on him-

please help advise
szkotja2007 27 | 1,499  
14 Mar 2008 /  #2
he says i am a secret and he does not want me to go to poland to visit him

Has he explained why ?
MareGaea 29 | 2,752  
14 Mar 2008 /  #3
Do a surprise visit! Then you know immediately what is going on and see how he reacts. If it's not what you're hoping for, it was an expensive surprise, but hey, texting every day costs money too and at least you get to see some of Poland.

M-G (I wonder if this was a good advise though)
PinkJewel  
14 Mar 2008 /  #4
angel, this might seem harsh but - he's messing you around. I seriously think he has someone else in Poland who might be more serious than you think. I can't think why he would want to keep you a secret. He says he loves you, he wants to hide you, that does not add up. You know it doesn't.

He's calling you in the early hours of the night. Sneaky calls when no one is listening? I think so.

To be blunt, I think he's keeping you hanging on so that he has a port of call in the UK. If he keeps you waiting for days before answering your texts and only answers your calls now and then, he's not really interested.

Cut your losses now. Finish it, don't listen to his crap about loving you. If he did he would want to be with you, he'd be talking to you every day some way, either SMS, email or voice. Don't put yourself through any more, he's not worth it.
miranda  
14 Mar 2008 /  #5
(I wonder if this was a good advise though)

not really, might be painful and expensive both, financially and emotionally.

It looks like he is a murky water guy and he uses you to get information, doesn't supply any form of comfort for the future, has obligations in Poland and so on, and so on. So, if you like this kind of push and pull dynamics, stay in it and see what heppens (might be going on for a long time) or just stop it. Stop calling him and contacting him and see how long it will take hi to contac you. If he doesn't then you will know where you stand with him. If he does, then you need to be firm and tell him that you need to know where you stand.

Are you in LTR with him at all? Or you just think you are.

Sorry for being so harsh, but I think that my questions are to the point.

Good luck and don't forget about what makes YOU happy.

PS.he has more excuses than I pair of socks;0
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
14 Mar 2008 /  #6
Maybe he is working over there, thats why he cant exactly talk everytime you ring him cos he's busy. Give him some space, ie stop txting him for a few days (i know its hard but try) and see what happens. Why is he hiding your relationship so desperately? How long have you been an item and whats the age gap? I hate to judge your situation as i dont know all about it, but just the fact that he leaves your messages unaswered for so long is not on and you have right to get anxious about it. He sounds very sneaky and that bit about not wanting to take you to Poland as you're a 'secret' is very dodgy. He is hiding something and i think its best for you to cease contact for now and see how long it takes for him to remember about you. Dont let him charm you with his love confessions, they obviously work on you so he will carry on 'charming' you this way. You dont know what hes up to in Poland and he obviously doesnt want you to find out, so its best for you to step back and have a look at this situation where you are being blatantly manipulated and sweet-talked just so you stop trying to find out the truth. That man is not good enough for you, his excuses are not good enough for someone who he claims he loves.
OP angel 14 | 86  
14 Mar 2008 /  #7
Has he explained why ?

no- he has indicated the age difference- i also asked if he had told his x about me he said no but the curious thing is my friend who is polish ,26 years olds and is to visit poland before me agreed to deliever a dvd and some infomation he asked for which other wise i will have to send by courier which costs quite a bit-when i told him she will drop off the things he asked for- and i explained it would be quicker , easier and less expensive he said no-and i dont know why-yes i do feel like just turning up- what could be the problem -when i ask him he says no problem-just please
miranda  
14 Mar 2008 /  #8
well, what does your intuition telling you?
szkotja2007 27 | 1,499  
14 Mar 2008 /  #9
what could be the problem

I think we both know the answer. Its tough but you are going to have to face it.
The age difference isn't that big, its an excuse. If it wasn't that it would be someting else.

Thing is, you are going to torture yourself until you are 100% sure, but you are never going to be 100% sure.
RJ_cdn - | 267  
14 Mar 2008 /  #10
he says i am a secret and he does not want me to go to poland to visit him

she will drop off the things he asked for- and i explained it would be quicker , easier and less expensive he said no-and i dont know

Forget about him. The sooner you do it the better.
miranda  
14 Mar 2008 /  #11
but you are never going to be 100% sure.

sometimes you nedd to do the closure by yourself
OP angel 14 | 86  
14 Mar 2008 /  #12
i love him he knows this i have said three times maybe we should finish because i told him i need more definites i said on monday thank- you and goodbye-he practically cried

- he rang me twice spoke for nearly two hours each time - said he would be here in a month-first time he has indicated when he also buzzed me throughout the day. i said i believed him- but now four days later nothing from him- and his phone has been off all day-
MareGaea 29 | 2,752  
14 Mar 2008 /  #13
Actually I read somewhere here that the age difference seems to be a big issue in Poland. Although I do not understand why, it seems a fact. But: what age difference is acceptable? Are we talking about 5, 10, 15 or 20 years? And: is this different for men and for women?

M-G (personally never had issues with age difference - it seems that Polish society has yet a long way to go)
szkotja2007 27 | 1,499  
14 Mar 2008 /  #14
So on Monday you told him you needed more definates and then nothing for the rest of the week ?

Being in a relationship isn't supposed to feel like what you are feeling now. How long are you going to do this for ?

Move on.
PinkJewel  
14 Mar 2008 /  #15
I agree with szkotja2007, that is not what a relationship is about at all. Yes there are ups and downs but what you are experiencing is not that, it's his blatant disregard for you.

Finish it.

You'll feel crap for a while but ultimately you'll feel better.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
14 Mar 2008 /  #16
he says i am a secret and he does not want me to go to poland to visit him

ding

i thimk he is making excuses

ding

i think he is messing me around

ding

i love him he knows this i have said three times maybe we should finish because i told him i need more definites i said on monday thank- you and goodbye-he practically cried
- he rang me twice spoke for nearly two hours each time - said he would be here in a month-first time he has indicated when he also buzzed me throughout the day. i said i believed him- but now four days later nothing from him- and his phone has been off all day-

see ding 2 & 3

PinkJewel - Finish it.
miranda - just stop it
JustysiaS - step back
szkotja2007 - Move on.

yup.
z_darius 14 | 3,968  
14 Mar 2008 /  #17
Do a surprise visit!

What if his gf or wife opens the door?
lowfunk99 10 | 397  
14 Mar 2008 /  #18
You deserve better treatment. I would feel like sht if i didn't give my woman the respect she deserved. I don't want to hide my love for my girl friend from the world.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
14 Mar 2008 /  #19
BUT i am still in the same postion-waiting and wating. now is this reasonble?

you have to make that decision for yourself.. the facts you put out tell us very little
about the man. what is his occupation?

plus. him crying says that he is also frustrated.. probably he does have a GF in Poland
and he wants to be with you.. but has to somehow end the relationship..

which is probably way off. but theres a ton of BUT what if.. you just have to either
find your patience and wait for him ( Hopefully he isnt leading you on) or set him
free.. and not put yourself thru more torture.
F15guy 1 | 160  
14 Mar 2008 /  #20
He's either married or in a relationship with another women in Poland.

The best thing you can do is to dump the s.o.b.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
15 Mar 2008 /  #21
what is reasonable

You already have my opinion in a previous thread. Now, on this thread the opinion seems to follow what I said earlier. You are torturing yourself thinking about this guy.

Finish it.

He might have finished his previous relationship three years ago, but if he is a good man he will still be seeing the child. And it follows that he is probably still at least talking to his ex. He has a legal obligation to the child, which he can't escape.

It wouldn't surprise me if he were already/still married.
MareGaea 29 | 2,752  
15 Mar 2008 /  #22
What if his gf or wife opens the door?

Then at least she has a chance to see the wonderful countryside of Poland...

M-G (life's full of surprises)

Edit: but on a more serious note, I would say forget the dude. If ppl start acting mysteriously and are not open (nevermind the persons which are secretive by nature), they usually have something to hide. In this case, just like Wroclaw says, there is a fair chance that he's still married or is together with his ex again. The relationship Poles have with their exes is weird anyway. But on the other hand, he IS from a different culture and things you might consider to be sweet, fun and touching might just be annoying or pushy to him, hence this MIGHT be the reason for him not answering your texts. Also, we tend to forget that it is one hell of a world more difficult for Poles who don't master English that well to reply back in the way they want to, so there might be another reason for him not texting you back. But this last point really shouldn't matter when you love a person and that person loves you back, you should not be afraid to say something wrong. But in all, the odds are not good for you. Find yourself a guy nearby, one you can see everyday, if needed. There are so many men out there, why would you waste your valuable time on some dude who is obviously not so interested in you as he says he is. The feeling I get is indeed that he keeps you on the backburner to have somebody to go to, should he head for Britain. The smart thing to do was just say goodbye to him and find another bloke. But I know this is a hard thing to do, especially when you love someone, but in the long run it will be best for you yourself. It's also the most logical thing to do, but try to talk some logic into a woman :)
OP angel 14 | 86  
18 Mar 2008 /  #23
thanks for you concern. my head agrees with all these comments but my heart loves. i have
voiced all my doubts to him suggesting all he reasons all you guys have said on here. i think he still has feelings for his x-he says she still likes him very much and he hasnt even told her about me- maybe she has threatened he cant see his son - he knows i need more committment-maybe he is not ready-the language is a problem-i spoke to him yesterday.i asked him if i am too serious does he want little committment-i said i would understand-i am ready for committment and maybe he isnt-he sweet-talked me again.

i dont want to but i think i will have to be the one to finish it-
szkotja2007 27 | 1,499  
18 Mar 2008 /  #24
i dont want to but i think i will have to be the one to finish it-

Do it now !
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
18 Mar 2008 /  #25
i am ready for committment and maybe he isnt-he sweet-talked me again.

i dont want to but i think i will have to be the one to finish it-

you know what to do don't you. you know he will not change or commit, and you know he won't make you happy. it's hard to stop loving someone, but he isn't prepared or willing to get serious about you. tell him it's over and you will see how much better and free you will feel. it's the only right thing to do in this situation. be brave and ditch the rat!
OP angel 14 | 86  
18 Mar 2008 /  #26
well he is capable of making me happy-but now he is making me unhappy-its much too long too ask anyone to wait-he is acting in a selfish way-he says all the right things. but dosent do them and as long as i accept this he will continue to do it-its cruel to expect someone to wait for so long. he knows i maybe going over and i have called all night-he has not answered-he dosent now seem bothered if i do go-so i think he has been playing a game -why i dont know
miranda  
18 Mar 2008 /  #27
because it is over and I am sorry to say that, but it looks that way.
F15guy 1 | 160  
18 Mar 2008 /  #28
Angel:

Cut him off right now. Don't call him. Don't take his calls. Change your cell phone number. As the girl in South Pacific says, "Wash that man right out of your hair." Take the money you're wasting on him, go to the beauty shop, get a new color, buy some new clothes and find yourself a decent guy.

Or, stop your whining and get used to it. You'll always be third fiddle. (Third after his son and (Polish girlfriend, ex-wife or whatever she is.)
plk123 8 | 4,150  
18 Mar 2008 /  #29
i dont want to but i think i will have to be the one to finish it-

you seem to see it.. just do it.

your next post is full of torture again.
Bla - | 27  
19 Mar 2008 /  #30
Angel you are not some stupid teen, so don't act like that. Love can be tough, but you shlould realize that he's just using you as a toy (or maybe he has other reasons) and it has nothing to do with love... Just finish it and stop torturing yourself, he's not worth it, so stop excusing him. Anyone hearing all this would tell you, that he's with somebody, but you still don't want to see it and just make things worse for yourself.

Archives - 2005-2009 / Love / what is reasonable - he does not want me to go back to polandArchived