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English Husband, Polish Wife... Going out together/not together?


darkgant 1 | 6  
9 Dec 2008 /  #1
Hi all,

Is it polish culture to go out together only? My wife uses the excuse that it is her culture why she is so moody/controlling/narky about going out.

I haven't been out and about with my friends for months... My Best man's birthday is coming up but my wife doesn't want to come. She also doesn't want me to go.

How can this be justified? She can come along with me if she likes, but how can she believe it is normal/ok to try and stop me going out to my mates birthday party? its not like i go out at the weekend every week lol.

Or is it normal for polish women to be so .... 'harsh'?
KatowiceCalling 1 | 10  
9 Dec 2008 /  #2
No. Quite the opposite, I've found.

Sounds like there's a more serious issue at the heart of this. Dig deep and good luck.
Kilkline 1 | 689  
9 Dec 2008 /  #3
You could put your foot down and say I'm going out with my friends, see you later?

Just an idea.
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
9 Dec 2008 /  #4
So other polish couples go out say once a month or two months for special occasions?

Thanks!
KatowiceCalling 1 | 10  
9 Dec 2008 /  #5
I've never found that's worked with people. Better to try and guide them so they can understand how and why they are being unreasonable. Otherwise it just turns into a heated battle.

Does she go out with her friends? If so, then perhaps you could find out from her what she gets from the experience. Then find out how she would feel if she could no longer enjoy that experience. Then when she explains how she would feel, you can tell her that's how you actually feel.

Did something bad happen in her past with a previous partner? Maybe he told her he was meeting friends when actually he was having an affair. It sounds like insecurity to me. Why else would she want to stop you from seeing your friends?
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
9 Dec 2008 /  #6
Shes always been a tad sensitive me going out for a drink with friends.. she believwes men are all the same and will cheat when they go get drunk. I know here ex cheated on her previously, could be some reasons why. I don't want to cheat lol, and dont really want to go out every weekend or anything but special occassions like my best mans birthday... i'd say warranted an excusrion out.

She had just gone out with a girlfriend 2-3 weeks ago.. I let her go drinking, took her there and picked her up at 1am int he morning. They both stunk of vodka so i feel a bit badly done to that she keeps chaning her mind.

I feel like its one rule for her and one rule for me..... she's perfectly happy going out with friends, doesn't start spouting this seperate lives nonesense when she goes out. But if i even want to go out once for a special occasion she gets very moody and this is just another excuse i've seen. Essentially i know its not culture, but something else.

It saddens me she doesn't trust me to be honest.
KatowiceCalling 1 | 10  
9 Dec 2008 /  #7
Essentially i know its not culture, but something else.

Sad but true by the sounds of it.

It also sounds like you've started to resent the situation and with resentment comes the long, dark road to the shitty end...unless the situation can be turned around, of course!

Re, all men cheating: Have you told her how insulting that is?! Also, what effect does she think statements like that will have on your relationship? They don't really encourage openness and honesty when she's starting from a position of mistrust. If anything, it's a potentially self-fulfilling prophecy. One day she may find herself feeling happy in her despair that all men are the same once you've been continually push away and made to feel like the sins of other men are upon you. Hanged. Sheep. Lamb.

This is a sweeping generalisation but women seem to respond well when things are written down. This is why women love to write letters to their partners. If you can do the same it also means that nothing can be 'mis-heard' and therefore misunderstood or, worse still, twisted. It's safer basically. It also means that you can reinforce the good things about her and your relationship throughout the letter. To a man, a letter seems like the situation can no longer be talked about. To a women, it's not the same.
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
9 Dec 2008 /  #8
I think she may be partly telling the truth. This is also my experience of dating a Polish man, although things have changed now since we have been together some time. in the beginning it was very similar to your experience.. I think its a combination of culture and also insecurity. The cultural thing can also relate to the age of your partner.. i.e. attitudes are changing amongst younger people, but is she is of a certain age, then this might be justified.. only my opinion.
polishgirltx  
9 Dec 2008 /  #9
My wife uses the excuse that it is her culture why she is so moody/controlling/narky about going out.

stupid excuse... a guy should be able to go out with the guys alone and a woman should be able to go out alone with girls, if they want to... is it another 'trust'/'control' issue?
diana  
9 Dec 2008 /  #10
It is strange what did you say bce the polish girls are maybe jealous but not like this. Anyway if she can go out you 2. Me for example if my husband will propose me to go out for a party I would say YES.......... he is British but born somewhere else. It doesnt matter about the country the person character is more important and the flexibility as well as tolerence.

Ciao
polishgirltx  
9 Dec 2008 /  #11
the polish girls are maybe jealous

we are always furious and we are control freaks!!!!

Not! ;)
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
9 Dec 2008 /  #12
My Best man's birthday is coming up but my wife doesn't want to come. She also doesn't want me to go.

What happened the last time you went out with your Best Man ?

I mean, was it the night before the wedding... with all its goings on ?

Is she against you going out or you going out with the Best Man ?
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
10 Dec 2008 /  #13
Against me going out drinking it seems oO.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #14
Talk to her, tell her you understand why she might be threatened with the thought of you going off with another woman because she has been cheated on before. But you are not that man and, as much as you love her, you can't be denied a life of your own because of her paranoia. She needs to trust you and let you have your own life as well with your friends.

If not it's likely you will end up resenting her and buggering off with some filly anyway.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
10 Dec 2008 /  #15
Against me going out drinking it seems oO.

Grow a pair! Give her a large slap if she even utters the word NO to you again :)

Seriously though, if you give in to he demands now you will be doing so for the rest of your married life...nice prospect aye?
KatowiceCalling 1 | 10  
10 Dec 2008 /  #16
if you give in to he demands now you will be doing so for the rest of your married life

That's the main point from all of this, I think.
wife - | 2  
10 Dec 2008 /  #17
Come on guys. Give me a break!!!

My husband just sent me a link of that’s forum.

Its difficult to give right advises if people know only one side story, isn’t it?

When I and my husband first time started going out together he was going out every weekend (Fri and Sat). I didn’t like it. Come on who would like it??? Then my present husband stared saying I try to control him. I didn’t like it and I was saying its not polish culture to go out so often, doesn’t it?

My ex – boyfriend cheat on me as well. So it was quiet difficult as well.

I tried to meet and know his friends. They always go out together. There are girls and boys. We went out few times. However they didn’t put much effort to know me I think. When I tried to make any conversation they have been polite and answered me but never carry on any of my conversations. I have been drunk very quick. It was only one thing what kept me busy. Then we went to the night club, I was dancing. My husband doesn’t like when I get drunk and dance. However what can I do on the night out when nobody wants talk with me. We always argue. He always says I don’t put much effort to know them. One of his friend got birthday. I baked cake for him. He hardly talked to me that night. Next day he txt my husband to say thank you for a cake. Then one of his friend got new girlfriend. I said to my husband shall we invited them for a meal. They came. I cooked and tried to talk to new girl. She didn’t talk to me much. I try to asked her what is she doing etc. she didn’t asked me back about anything. After one hour she was nearly sleeping on one of my sofas. Then I got txt msgs on my phone. I was answering. It took me about 10 minutes. My husband gave me a hell after they gone. He says it was rude. I have enough of all this. I can’t make his friends to like me but I think they should accept me. My husband always says I m not putting enough effort. He can’t see they are doing something wrong or he is saying it is the way they are. He also saying he can’t make friends with my polish friends because they can’t speak English. Which is wrong because my friends put more effort to try to talk to him even they don’t know much English, they never let feel him down about it.

I told him I don’t like his friends. I am not feeling comfortable with them. He protects them. He also says if I can’t get along with them I don’t need to go out with them anymore but I cant him stop seeing them.

The thing is last time he went out with boys. That’s ok. It was difficult for me because my ex partner cheat on me. I gave him a lift and I picked him out. Now, its birthday party, I would love to go but my husband says I know you don’t like my friends so I will go. I didn’t like it. I think he should support me to go with him. He says I don’t care if you go or not, I am going.

I am getting depressed and very moody about it. I have been four years in polish - relationship before and I never had problem like that. I don’t know its culture problem or age problem. My husband is tree years younger than me. I am a first girlfriend of my husband. I am feeling lonely, miss my friends in Poland.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
10 Dec 2008 /  #18
It seems that the pair of you need to sit down and talk. However difficult it is, you both need to support each other.

Husband should go out with the best man.

Husband should then take wife out.

Husband and wife should concentrate on Christmas. It will be Hell, if you visit family and friends at this special time of year and haven't sorted out your differences.

And frankly speaking: Rebuild that bond in the bedroom.
wife - | 2  
10 Dec 2008 /  #19
My husband has just txt me:

That’s ok. Whatever you want. I never meant I didn’t care if you went. Its misunderstanding again. I meant its wrong for you to ask me not to go. Its his birthday!!!

My husband doesn’t understand me. I haven’t got anything when he is going out with his boys friends. only what I want it is to be accepted by his friends…..and birthdays party we should go together, but my husband doesn’t seems be interested to take me with him and support me during that party to not make me feel lonely there. :-(

I think its not what I look for from my relationship sorry :-(
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
10 Dec 2008 /  #20
Even my explanation is twisted or misunderstood....

"I never meant I didn’t care if you went". - I did NOT mean I didn't want you to come. I want you to come I just said I wasn't going to allow you to stop me going if you didn't want to go.

Like talking to a brick wall.

And if I couldn't go x birthday party last week you still would've gone without me... its one rule for and one rule for me.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #21
I can see the problem from both sides. You and his friends don't get on so if you go along with him then you will feel left out, but so will he because he can't spend time with his friend (obviously a very close one if it was his best man) on his birthday. So he is thinking if he goes along himself then it will be better. But you don't want to be left alone.

Personally I would say that maybe he should go off to this event himself, let him enjoy his night, he will really appreciate the fact that you are understanding. Then have a night out together in the near future so it's all about you two.

In future when there's nights out there's little more you can do than keep persevering with his friends. If they don't like you then they don't like you, you can't change that, but your husband will see you are making an effort and will defend you to his friends and explain to them that you are making an effort and they should be too.

There's no real quick fix, you two need to talk a lot about this, about how the two of you feel. It's not unsolvable...just needs lots of communication.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
10 Dec 2008 /  #22
blimey this is a first....where's the popcorn when you need it ?
Lir  
10 Dec 2008 /  #23
I think its not what I look for from my relationship sorry :-(

Like talking to a brick wall.

Why do I get the feeling this is 'fictional' ?

Because wifey doesn't sound very Polish , more like someone who is trying to pretend to be Polish <from the way the post has been written>

:)

where's the popcorn when you need it ?

Hey have you tried any stuff from the Christmas Markets in Manchester ? i was there yesterday and I got some chocolate covered strawberries on a skewer and a chocoloate covered banana

and they were so yummy..........:)
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
10 Dec 2008 /  #24
Because wifey doesn't sound very Polish , more like someone who is trying to pretend to be Polish <from the way the post has been written>

Yeah, what would be the chances of your hubby giving you a site where he's been slaggin you off to the world and his wife!?
Lir  
10 Dec 2008 /  #25
Yeah,

True. But the poster 'wife' isn't a Polish person trying to write in English, you can tell the difference <well I can > :)
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
10 Dec 2008 /  #26
The poster used every common mistake a Polish person can make (and a few I've never heard before)...so yes it was a bit obvious that they're not Polish but some prat pretending.

How are you anyway, long time no see around here?
Lir  
10 Dec 2008 /  #27
How are you anyway, long time no see around here?

I'm good thanks :) How are you ? I post every so often lol......did you see my edited post up there re Manchester Markets ?

The poster used every common mistake a Polish person can make

Yes that's true but their errors are ones that a non Polish person would make.......when someone is trying to pretend to be Polish lol....

You can usually tell because the common mistake is by having a large part of the message in good English. I can give examples <grin >

Thing is why do people come on here and pretend all this stuff and think we are all so thick that we cannot see through it ? I expect they think we are either bored or it's a new form of 'party trick' hehe :)
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
10 Dec 2008 /  #28
You two should definately become detectives.. you'd be very successful.

Sigh... yes this is real "Unfortunately"... Why would i slag my wife off as you put it and then show her it?

Because she asked me to ask polish people... to confirm that what she was doing was normal... that polish couples only go out together... and i guess a means to justify her stopping me going to my mates birthday.

Let me reclarify the situation:

1. I would like her to come along with me..
2. However if she says she won't go I will not stop going to my mates birthday party... yea perhaps i'm being over the top if i partied every week.. but as i said I aint been out with the boys for a 'drink'... on my own for well 8+ months... and this is her problem i guess.

3. It is difficult for people to mix, if my friends dont like her I cant make them like her... but i cant also just dump all my friends because she doesn't like them or get along with them. I know she's tried. We've had this conversation before... it ended in her admitting we could go out sometimes seperately... it was her turn first she went out with a girl friend drunk till 1am in the morning and I picked them both up and listened to how they talked to men etc. I didn't go off on one and get possessive/controlling. Now its my turn.. she throws all the stops out to stop me. I come home early from work as suggested by an earlier poster.. and she leaves.... so much for talking

I feel depressed and down, because i feel my wife is trying to control me to the point I cant even go to a birthday party (with or without her. cause if she cant go neither can I is how i see her world).

This post was never meant to go this far, my wife asked me to ask polish people if it was normal. I guess she expected you to all tell me off and listen to her.. but you didn't so now she has extended it.

I've tried being gentle with the situation with her, but if anything is ever wrong she wants her space and storms off... leaving me feeling frustrated and down, i.e now im sat here come home from work 1 hour early and for what? so she could storm out?
Lir  
10 Dec 2008 /  #29
You two should definately become detectives.. you'd be very successful.

You reckon ? You and your 'wife' ought to have worked a bit harder at trying to fool us better lol.

yes this is real "Unfortunately"..

Yeah, as if :) Are you related to fireif by any chance <just wondered >

I feel depressed

Marriage counselling is the answer, or just get divorced really <saves on buying Christmas presents lol>

:)
OP darkgant 1 | 6  
10 Dec 2008 /  #30
if its fake then just read the thread mate, and leave the post space for someone with something decent to add. I only post here because I hope my wife will read it and see it from my point of view as well as hers.

Or maybe my wife should talk to you in polish instead of trying to write english eh? maybe then you will shut up, as you are way off the bat.

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