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Confused English man: is she stringing me along or is she confused?


waveydave 4 | 39  
2 May 2008 /  #1
I met a Polish girl online 3 years ago and we had a very romantic "cyber" relationship. At the time she was divorcing her ex-husband with whom she had a daughter who is now six years old.

She visited me in England and we had a wonderful time, there was even the mention of marriage. Since then its me that has made all the effort. The romance seems to have died and now we seem to be just friends but all of the time I have been thinking about her because I really think that she is wonderful. She knows that I am in love with her but from time to time I ask her how she feels about me and she says she doesn't know. If I show her that this upsets me she gets annoyed and so I back off. Occasionally she will say encouraging things like tell me how wonderful I am or talk about a possible future for us.

I have phoned her every day in the last three years and she tells me she likes this. Now, searching for answers I have taken a sabatical from work and I've come to Poland. She booked me a hotel close to her home and I am here for 8 weeks, but I would stay forever if things worked out.

We've been out 10 or so times in the last 5 weeks that I have been here and still we are acting like friends. Today me, her and her daughter have been out to a Salt mine in Krakow. Its driving me crazy that I can't ask her how she feels, so after the salt mine I txt'd her to say I needed to talk and I would phone her tonight. I just phoned to her but she didn't answer, probably she is asleep.

I'm confused, is she stringing me along or is she confused? Any help from women would be appreciated.
krkplantry 1 | 2  
2 May 2008 /  #2
Forget it, she is not interested. Sorry.
Kasia84 8 | 40  
2 May 2008 /  #3
If I were you; I'd confront to her & ask her "what's the deal here?" be straight forward.

I am sensing that she is afraid to do that =/ just don't waste your time with her. She doesn't know what she want & probably not interested.
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510  
2 May 2008 /  #4
youre getting played dude. put her in check and get on with your life
Leeloo - | 5  
3 May 2008 /  #5
Not really...she may be afraid of a new relationship especially when she already has a daughter and bad experience with marriage...complex case
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510  
3 May 2008 /  #6
she may be afraid of a new relationship

they met 3 years ago and he phoned her every day since
Leeloo - | 5  
3 May 2008 /  #7
that is not a lot especially when she lives in Poland
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510  
3 May 2008 /  #8
that is not a lot

so cultural difference

for an average english man, 3 years chasing a woman and not knowing how she feels or if the relationship is going anywhere is a long time. especially if they are phoning her everyday from another country.

its obviously a cultural thing
Leeloo - | 5  
3 May 2008 /  #9
you never know what's behind so I guess that only face 2 face chat would help.
Kasia84 8 | 40  
3 May 2008 /  #10
3 years is pretty long; I mean I can understand maybe she thought "something else" or maybe has other issues but she can't just play along with another person's feelings...you know?? this isn't just about "her". What I am trying to say; she led him believe into something...now just dreading on? or whatever she's doing now? doesn't look good to me; pretty immature on her side =/ she should be honest; be a grown up...realized she may be hurting another person here..she can't play his feelings (this guy is confused; phoning her for 3 yrs, came to Poland just for her...how much can a guy seriously do? wait longer? at least some honesty would be a nice gesture on her part)...I'm not really liking it...she need to be more mature on that part...I don't know...
LondonChick 31 | 1,134  
3 May 2008 /  #11
There's nothing wrong with meeting online, and it sounds like you did a fair bit of cyber flirting, however you really do need to meet up in person in order to suss out your true compatability.

It sounds like things got very intense when you first met, with talks of marriage - but this could have been too much too soon for her - especially as she was still getting over a divorce.

Maybe she is just taking her time and making sure that things are settled in her own life and that her daughter is happy before taking the plunge with somebody else - especially a foreign man who probably has a different background to her.

Take things slowly, and enjoy getting to know her as a friend first - don't rush things. I think that

I am here for 8 weeks, but I would stay forever if things worked out.

is a bold statement and might be scaring her off.
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
3 May 2008 /  #12
Thanks everyone for your responses, really every response is food for thought. Its nice to be able to talk about things because it gets quite lonely in this hotel room.

I know one thing, forgetting her is not going to happen. She is the most special person I know and she really is not a bad person at all. Its possible that she is 'playing' me, but then we all have issues and I am sure she is not being deliberately nasty.

I think the choice I have is either: confront her and if it goes badly I go home and carry on with life, in a sort of 'set her free and see if she comes back' scenario, maybe even stop phoning her; or I just continue as I am, waiting and hoping that she remembers the special time we shared together.

Its taken a lot of effort to get here to Poland, I set up my own little business so I can afford to live here indefinately and I've taken time off work, risking the best job I've ever had by telling them there is a possibility I won't come back. Maybe I am just a dreamer, but I do believe in chasing dreams.

LondonChick - we did meet up in person, once in England and twice in Poland. This was during the time when things were going well between us. It was her that mentioned marriage - I think to see if I was serious. I haven't mentioned the possibility to her about 'staying here forever'. As far as she knows I am here on holiday for 8 weeks and then going home.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
3 May 2008 /  #13
I'm confused, is she stringing me along or is she confused? Any help from women would be appreciated.

I don't believe she is really confused about how she feels. I think she knows how she feels but she won't say it because she is getting something from you that she doesn't want to lose. Is she lonely? Does she need your attention? Do you give her money? Why does she stay with you?
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510  
3 May 2008 /  #14
I do believe in chasing dreams.

absolutely

you only live once and life is too short for wasted opportunities. but sometimes you need to know when to cut your losses so that other opportunities are not missed.

good luck - youve obviously put in a lot of effort and i hope you get what you are looking for

I think she knows how she feels but she won't say it because she is getting something from you that she doesn't want to lose.

i think this too mate. sorry
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
3 May 2008 /  #15
Is she lonely? Does she need your attention?

She has a normal number of friends and relatives, although she has told me that I am the person she confides in most.

Do you give her money?

No. I have been trying to pay for meals and things since being in Poland, but only because she probably wouldn't be eating out if I wasn't here. This is only right because I am much better off than she is.

Why does she stay with you?

I don't know if answering the phone is the same as staying with someone.
LondonChick 31 | 1,134  
3 May 2008 /  #16
She has a normal number of friends and relatives

Is she happy for you to meet them? How does she introduce you to them?
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
3 May 2008 /  #17
I haven't met her mother, who I know was very disappointed at the divorce, being a strict Catholic. I don't think I will meet her mother any time soon. I've met her father but this was rather a crazy meeting because we couldn't communicate but we shared Vodka and cigarettes. I am quite good friends with her cousin. I think I am introduced as just a friend. Her best friend from work came to Wroclaw with us on Thursday and I am fairly sure that she knows most of the full story.
Wyspianska  
3 May 2008 /  #18
how can you even say she's wonderful if she's clearly ignoring your feelings. She's rather cruel when she continues such a non-future relationship for over 3 years. Open your eyes and move on. I think your decent guy and you will find someone who deserves you more.
joannejagiello - | 2  
19 May 2008 /  #19
from what you are saying, it looks like that she is just leading you on. 3 years is a long time. you sound like a very nice man, i think you should move on and find somebody else.
LondonChick 31 | 1,134  
19 May 2008 /  #20
Wavey Davey... if you're out there - give us an update...
finT 12 | 167  
19 May 2008 /  #21
Wavey man! Come onnnnn! This situation is nuts. For all the crud topics about all the beautiful Polish girls, one still has to realise that there really are a lot of scheming, devious, messed up girls here! Obviously not all, but the kind of stories that I hear from ex-pats here are truly mental. Guys who are strung along endlessly, a couple of guys who lost everything (including property), guys who, as it turned out, were going out with girls who were living with boyfriends and were taking cash off them to fund their own life with their boyfriends etc. This sounds like one of those classic f#cked up situations. Get out of it NOW,go do something else for the eight weeks that you are here and just stop getting in touch with her!

The sun is out, beer is cold...just go out and play! Who knows, you may meet someone normal?
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
24 May 2008 /  #22
Wavey Davey... if you're out there - give us an update...

Oh, sorry - I thought this thread had died.

Well, I'm still here in Poland but according to plan, I'm going back to England on Friday.

I think that the problem with this girl is that she is imprisoned by her family. The only time I see her alone is when her mother looks after her daughter. Her mother is very religious and has two children, the other one being a son that is a priest. I haven't been introduced to her mother and I think its because she wouldn't approve of her daughter having a life after divorce. Yesterday we went shopping and she was clearly upset that she had to rush off after a phone-call from her mother.

I am still here for 5 days and despite the concensus of opinion on here that I am being a wuss and I should move on, I'm not going to. There is still something special between the two of us I am sure. I will go home in 5 days and what will be, will be.
Arise_St_George 9 | 419  
24 May 2008 /  #23
I'm confused, is she stringing me along or is she confused? Any help from women would be appreciated.

She only wants friendship, it's just a case of take it or leave it. If you see it as something different or if you continue to hassle her then you may also lose her as a friend. It's a "take it or leave it" situation that you have on your hands.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
24 May 2008 /  #24
they met 3 years ago and he phoned her every day since

yep I agree with bubba, after three years there should be more then his effort
in place.. I could see her holding back in the beginning, but not now.. she should
be planning a wedding by now..

I think you should go back home, and wait for her to call you. leave all the
decisions up to her.. tell her this is how you feel. its what you want or you have
to move on. if she doesnt respond, then you know..

sorry you are going thru so much. :(
Firestorm 6 | 400  
24 May 2008 /  #25
Anyone who has been in a serious relationship.
With someone they thought. Was THE One.
Only for it to fall apart a short time later..

Will know.
Its NOT Easy getting Divorced. Or Being alone again. With no clue what the future holds.
Especially with a young Child.
Its a traumatic time for Her And her daughter.

I know 3 years is a long time. But if she is only just going through the Divorce.
She must be getting hell from her Mom and Brother.

A little understanding may go a long way.
Be patient. And reasure her you are there for her.
When she is ready.

(My 2 Cents) For what its worth.
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
28 May 2008 /  #26
I think you should go back home, and wait for her to call you. leave all the
decisions up to her.. tell her this is how you feel. its what you want or you have
to move on. if she doesnt respond, then you know..

sorry you are going thru so much. :(

Thanks Patrycja. This is exactly what I've done. I'm back in England now.

(My 2 Cents) For what its worth.

Firestorm your 2 cents is worth a lot, thankyou.
Firestorm 6 | 400  
28 May 2008 /  #27
Firestorm:
I think you should go back home, and wait for her to call you. leave all the
decisions up to her.. tell her this is how you feel. its what you want or you have
to move on. if she doesnt respond, then you know.. sorry you are going thru so much. :(

I didnt say that, Greg did. ))

Firestorm your 2 cents is worth a lot, thankyou.

Yw..

I know how difficult it can be. For all involved. ))
I met a girl whos hubby beat her.
She got out of the relationship for the right reasons.
But it didnt stop her loosing trust in men....

And it didnt stop her lil girl being devastated..
She was only young and didnt understand.
And It took a long time before she accepted that her Mom wasnt going to leave her too.
Remember there are TWO people in the equasion.. :))

I Wish you luck..
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
29 May 2008 /  #28
Firestorm when you met this girl were you in a similar situation as me, or did you just meet her as a friend?
Seanus 15 | 19,706  
29 May 2008 /  #29
Don't forget to fart on her head b4 u leave wavey ;)

Brew up a good one
OP waveydave 4 | 39  
18 May 2009 /  #30
One year on and this situation is still going on. I returned from Poland last year and stopped phoning her so much. I was getting on with my life just fine. Then, a couple of months ago she invited me to go on holiday with her.

We had a really nice week in the sun together and now I am even more sure we are compatible. Still she will make no commitment to me. She tells me that after her divorce, she needs to be sure about me before she can commit.

I'm thinking of wrapping things up in England and moving to Poland, to a flat nearby where she lives. At least then we can go on dates so when she is ready I will be there for her. If I am not, I'm sure someone else will be.

Its a big step and a big gamble but now I have known her for 4 1/2 years I have to do something. Forgetting her is not an option.

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