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Advice (preferably from women!) on stressed, depressed boyfriend


jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #1
Hi

I'm wondering what people's opinions are on this situation. I put some details in a previous post about my boyfriend - it's pretty complicated, he's going through divorce (I was catalyst to this....) I started dating him in August (after we'd been emailing each other for 11 months after chance meeting last year).

So what do I need advice on............well, we started meeting up in August - met every month and I thought I had finally found someone who appreciated me, understood me etc. He's very loving, demonstrative and charming (yes, he is).....but after a romantic holiday (where he dropped hints about marriage to me), things have gone pear-shaped.

He was VERY intense and told me meeting me had made him realize what true love was (even tho he's ending 13 year marriage).

Things have been difficult for wife (obviously), like a bolt from the blue........anyway, he had to go back to see wife to sort legal stuff. But it sounds like she's guit-tripped him over lots of things including him feeling like bad father.

He says he loves me, had wanted us to live together and was talking about buying a house................wife said maybe he should've finished it all with her first before starting with me (yes, maybe she's right - but he set the pace with us, and recently admitted that).

Now he's gone quiet, last time we spoke he said he's depressed and scared (has issues about future of his job, possibly worried about financial implications of divorce etc)

He is putting himself down and I think taking the line of least resistance by wimping out on me. He's full of self-doubt which is a shock for me, as for the last months he was so full of hope and confidence in our future, as he said he was a different person when he was with me, I made him feel strong etc etc

Anyone have any suggestions as to how I convince him to take a chance - he'd said a few months ago he was ready to give it a go, and he'd do anything to make it work.

If he's finally had the courage to start divorce proceedings, it seems ironic if he's not carrying things through, and why put his family through all that (and all their friends now know about us) ?

Help!
Kataryna - | 36  
28 Oct 2007 /  #2
For what it's worth, I'll give my 2 cents. However, I think you need to consult with a professional about this. Looking for advice on chat rooms isn't the advice that you really need.

You met a married man. He has children, home, career, etc. Wrong move #1.

He has fun with you, does crazy stuff, realizes he's bored in his life. Thinks leaving his family will be easy. Wrong move #2.

Sure, his wife put him on a guilt trip. And if she didn't put him on a guilt trip, she'd pack his crap for him and take possession of every material and financial thing he owns. He'd be left with a backpack and a bicycle.

He had a tryst, enjoyed every moment, and then he was slapped back to reality by his wife.

Advice for you: Move on, talk to a professional, find a nice single guy to have fun with and consider this a chapter in your book.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,384  
28 Oct 2007 /  #3
Kataryna has summed it up well. I agree.
miranda  
28 Oct 2007 /  #4
I agree with Kataryna.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #5
Thanks for that Kataryna.

But hey, there are other people posting stuff like mine! I'm not the only one in "relationship dilemma" so to speak, so shouldn't everyone here sending their posts seek prof help, and then this "Love and Relationships" section would be pretty quiet
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510  
28 Oct 2007 /  #6
i agree with wrong moves 1 & 2... but theres little point bolting the stable door after the horse has done a runner

so

my immediate reaction is to suggest not trying to convince him of anything... just show you are there to support him and help him through what must be a very difficult time for him.

if he really is suffering from depression then the chances are he is not thinking clearly and unsure what he is really feeling... taking the line of least resistance probably looks the best option for the time being, regardless of future outcomes
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #7
He has fun with you, does crazy stuff, realizes he's bored in his life.

kataryna is right in some ways.. first of all some relationships do take a turn and if
he is miserable and she is miserable what kind of life is this for them and the kids?

in our lives we hope that when we do finally meet that soul mate, this is the only
one for eternity, but it simply doesnt happen that way, we rush into marriage , or
think we have found them, only to find out later on that we didnt match, or things
are just not what they should be.

humans are inclined to make mistakes, we hope this wont affect our long term
but it does.. so what kind of life of misery are we putting ourself thru?

I could have stayed with the man who had three children ( his) and had one of
my own and married him and lived unhappyily ever after, I chose to not stay with
him because the hate outweighed the love.. do I want to hate this much - no

it brings alot of problems with the children, should they see the fighting? no
should they see their mother and father breaking items in the home that were
memories? no..

I agree to a Point, but we have to at least see/give the other side of it a chance.

I personally would hate to put my children thru this.. its never easy to divorce, but
the children in certain circumstances suffer more when the parents do stay together
and try to work it out.. counseling doesnt always work.. and if your heart is no longer
with the person you married, your creating your own misery.

love hurts.. it will hurt, but if the wife is a good person, she will also see this same
point, and not decide its all his fault.. it takes two people to work at a marriage and
the one thing I see in this post is blame.. it wont work if he stays because she is
already blameing him only and not willing to figure out what went wrong.

IMHO..

life is to short. we all make mistakes, but what is life without that one person you
feel at peace with?
Kataryna - | 36  
28 Oct 2007 /  #8
Jasper

But hey, there are other people posting stuff like mine! I'm not the only one in "relationship dilemma" so to speak, so shouldn't everyone here sending their posts seek prof help

Yours was the only post I've read and responded to regarding a relationship dilema. It's your case I'm offering advice on, as you asked for advice.

And yes, if other people are in the same situation, I believe counseling is a very positive thing, and would recommend anyone in an emotional situation to seek help. And no, I'm not a psychologist....just someone who has been in similar shoes to you and know the benefits of talking to an unbiased professional.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #9
Hi Bubbawoo thanks for those words of advice

Patrycja, thanks for your post too - tho when you say you see blame in this post, what do you mean exactly

I'd just like to say his kids are 18 and 23 (daughter, who, by the way, was encouraging of our relationship)

when we first met (got chatting on a train), I didn't know then he was married. Just for the record.

I have had a tough year (not trying to get the violins out) had recently come out of violent relationship, and I felt this new guy really understood me unlike all my previous relationships where the man's ego was too big! (I'm in my 30s by the way, have had a fair number of rel/ships)

hi again Kataryna

that's ok, just it felt somewhat like an attack.......it's been a tough time for me as I lost my mum about a month before this guy went quiet on me.....so I appreciate that I'm more emotionally needy right now and pretty sensitive

yeh counselling prob would help for the grieving....it's just such bad timing as things did look so promising after the holiday we had. He'd been asking how long would it be before we could be together, ie living together and when I suggested very hypothetically "6 months", he said he couldn't wait that long. No doubt his head's been a whirl and things have happened faster than he's had time to deal with, EVEN tho, as I said, he was setting the pace
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #10
tho when you say you see blame in this post, what do you mean exactly

his wife.. in every relationship both have to work on it.. she isnt seeing apparently
that he fell out of love with her.. and rather then find out how to change this
she is out to blame..

Ive also seen similar relationships.. one being one of my good friends, she still expects things from her husband, do this do that, but yet she stays in the same rut, sleeping all

day, watching soap operas, never wants to go anywhere, doesnt cook, or participate
because she says she works and she is tired when she gets home.. even I get
upset with this type of behavior , and she wont change.. she asked me if I would
follow her hubby around for a few days since I do not work in the day, and I could
make sure it was work he was going to..

she wanted me to spy for her.. while she keeps on doing the same things over and over.. so yes, I see both sides.. but in reading your post, I am thinking the wife is like

my friend and so therefore agree the relationship is no longer there. it would be best
for him to be with you so he can rebuild his life. if he has encouragement from his children, apparently they see the same..

I'd just like to say his kids are 18 and 23 (daughter, who, by the way, was encouraging of our relationship)

This would be a definate reason to believe that something went wrong and trying
to repair would only cause more grief.. the daughter is encouraging tells a story of
its own..

when you are together, is he very attentive and considerate?
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #11
Thanks, your words are comforting!

YES he is attentive and considerate..................obviously I only know HIS side of story, but one time when he went back to wife (she's in Poland) she got my number from his phone and then I had one of her friends trying to ring me (he confirmed the number for me).

Yes, I believe it takes two people for a relationship to fail.............many people are out to put the blame on him, as a married man (bla bla ) but from some of the things he's told me, it certainly doesn't sound like she's perfect. Funny what you say about your friend not wanting to do domestic things like cook - this was true of his wife!

I feel at a loss, cos no matter what the cynics say, I believe he's not going back to her......it's just extremely frustrating for me knowing how best to deal with this. Also, she's guilt-tripped him bout being a bad father to his son (who's nearly 18) so he has said he thinks he'd fail with my son (who's 7 and he hasn't yet met him)

From what I can make out, he has a very close relationship with his daughter and it looks like he's done a pretty good job. Ok so he hasn't been there for his son for the last few years, but he's been working his ass off sending money to his wife and son to support them.

I think he's genuine even though he may have strung out the marriage; he said it was a case of "being there for the kids" that he didn't want to break up the marriage when they were younger
Wroclaw 44 | 5,384  
28 Oct 2007 /  #12
I wonder how much work the wife is putting into this to save her marriage.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #13
I don't know to be honest..........................no doubt she'd be trying damn hard?

well, she's put their place up for sale on the net...apparently
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #14
wonder how much work the wife is putting into this to save her marriage.

it doesnt seem like much if the daughter is encouraging someone else to be in
her fathers life..

wouldnt you think that she would be angry and upset that her father is /has
been unfaithful? or perhaps she sees more then we all know and decided that
her parents would be better of apart? after all we set the inspiring roles for our
children to live and be happy and grow.

children who come from broken homes ( young children) who watch their parents
fight and hate also learn this and it follows them to their lives in certain cases.

anyone disagree?

well, she's put their place up for sale on the net...apparently

what I see with this is, she is going to take him for all hes worth, there fore he
feels like all he will be doing is paying his ex..

this is the oldest but real plight of a divorce.. he wont pay on the kids, but he
probably will pay his ex..

the real question is. does he want misery or love??
she to me sounds very vindictive.. the house up already?? hmmmmm shouldnt that
be in his name and his decision?
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #15
from what I know, she's had a tricky relationship with her mum - always been closer to her dad. Though her mum likes to "use" her to get information from her, well this has been the case regarding me.

I would agree with what you say about children learning patterns of behaviour from fighting unhappy parents.

I had that tough decision to make when I split from my son's dad, when my son was only 3....his dad said I should saty for the sake of my son, but, like you say, is that a healthy environment when both parents resent each other so much, and all they have in common is their child.

Anyway, think I'm going off the thread a bit, sorry!

Patrycja, do you think I have any hope of salvaging this relationship, and how............thought I'd ask your opinion, please!?.................
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #16
Patrycja, do you think I have any hope of salvaging this relationship, and how............thought I'd ask your opinion, please!?.................

Yes.. support and listen.. he fell in love with you because of who you are.
right now all the changes are scarey and hes depressed because his wife is
manipulating him with probably everything. its easy to say I do. so much harder
to say I dont..

just stay focused and keep open heart and mind. its going to be rough for both
till its over with and hes finally his own person. it sounds like the daughter will also
be with the both of you. if she can involve her daughter in this by asking questions
about her father thats says a whole lot about her character..

children should be protected not involved.

its sad, but many parents do use their children as scapegoats for their own lack
of communication and relationship skills.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #17
thanks for your support Patrycja :-)

it certainly sounds like the daughter has been a messenger for them both............and she has been made to feel awkward as a result.

I have told him that I'll wait and be patient (tho it's damn hard) and I'm missing him like hell( last saw him end of Aug) ..........................I want to listen, when he's ready...........last spoke to him at start of this month, I know he feels full of self-pity, that I'll hate him for his current behaviour, I don't hate him, I love him and want to be there to give him strength, just finding it so hard with him being so silent. I sent an email a few weeks ago asking if we could meet again in the next couple of months, but as yet he's not responded.

I believe that given time, our relationship could owrk; I have no illusions that it will have its challenges given our different cultures, and the fact that for the moment it's a long-distance relationship (argh!), but I hope he overcomes his fears and anxieties aboutt he future.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #18
I would also like to add. in alot of cases, some people get the false idea that when
you say I do, its like having ownership papers. and you can treat this person anyway
you would like to because you are their owner.. ****NOT****

every relationship requires full attention. ive had my good and bad and its always going
to be two working at it not one.

the most important is to not manipulate children if any are in the picture. in the long
run it can only create hate, possibly for you or the other parent and that doesnt say
much. children should never have to hate their parents because they disagree and
dont love each other anymore.. there is ways to make things work . but its working
together while your apart.

IMHO.

I believe that given time, our relationship could owrk; I have no illusions that it will have its challenges given our different cultures, and the fact that for the moment it's a long-distance relationship (argh!), but I hope he overcomes his fears and anxieties aboutt he future.

I think thats why hes not responded, maybe he is giving it a chance, but from personal
experience, once that love is gone .. it doesnt reture the same.. the feeling is so
different.. it was more of a pity love rather then I would do anything love.

yes stay supportive. email him again, tell him he dont have to respond, just listen
and tell him how much you miss and that you will be here.. dont spit any anger
because hes got enough of that on his plate right now to deal with more.

hang in there Jasper :))
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #19
thanks

I just hope he comes back to me once the dust has settled, so to speak.....................my son's dad tried to tell me that my son would be emotionally scarred as a result of me ending the relationship. But I had to do what i thought was right at the time!

With divorce in Poland...........can the wife claim half of his future earnings? Can anyone tell me please?
Wroclaw 44 | 5,384  
28 Oct 2007 /  #20
can the wife claim half of his future earnings? Can anyone tell me please?

They can clean you out, if that's what you mean. And it doesn't stop when the kids are sixteen.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #21
Hmmm thanks for that......

not sure what her agenda is exactly, she keeps changing her response to him, one minute "oh be happy with your new love" "you can take everything", then the next minute conniving and out for all she can get
Kataryna - | 36  
28 Oct 2007 /  #22
Jasper9 - where are you located?
Wroclaw 44 | 5,384  
28 Oct 2007 /  #23
then the next minute conniving and out for all she can get

She can say what she wants. It's the divorce lawyer that knows all the tricks. Your man should get a good one.
OP jasper9  
28 Oct 2007 /  #24
Hey I'm in the UK!!
Kataryna - | 36  
28 Oct 2007 /  #25
You mentioned the wife taking 1/2 of the husbands earnings. That's the case in the US, particularly in the military, government employees and law enforcement. 1/2 of retirements are given to spouses who request it at the time of divorce. I didn't know if you were here in the US. Guess the UK is similar in earnings?
nauczyciel  
28 Oct 2007 /  #26
after reading this sparingly.......i rest my case for not ever getting married
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
28 Oct 2007 /  #27
so that wonderful gal of yours who probably thinks she has a future of love and children will never see candles and cake..hmmmmm..

I think your better then that.. not every relationship works, but not every one fails
either.
krysia 23 | 3,058  
28 Oct 2007 /  #28
not every relationship works, but not every one fails
either.

True. It all depends on finding that perfect partner where you both understand each other, trust one another and are the best of friends. Then everything falls into place.

Marriage shouldn't be about arguing who should do this or that. Marriage should be happiness not hard and difficulties
Guest  
29 Oct 2007 /  #29
True. It all depends on finding that perfect partner where you both understand each other, trust one another and are the best of friends. Then everything falls into place.

I guess the words that others speak are true, its the connection between two people who are concerned, and you will know that feeling. But remembering it takes two to make it work.

Hi Krysia x x
OP jasper9  
29 Oct 2007 /  #30
What do other people? Do you think it's worth holding out for him................I'm trying to hold out some hope for us...........................................?!

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