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My polish boyfriend and i love one another -- dilema, advice please.


angel 14 | 86  
23 Feb 2008 /  #1
i hope some of you can give me advice on a decision dilema.

my polish boyfriend and i love one another. we have known each other for 1 year. for the last 6 month due to his work we have not been able to be with each other-but have kept in touch by telephone and text. we miss each other very much. it has not been easy accepting beening away from each other but the thought of him coming here "soon" has kept us going. we say sweet romantic things to each other remember how good things are from our memories and look forward to the day when we are together again. it has not been plain sailing and i have sometimes cries with frustration at not seeing him-i miss everything about him and i miss the lack of intimacy-i am not a sex obessed woman but i have a healty apetite. we sometimes talk about this side of things and know we will make up for loss time when we see each other.

however i am beginning to find that the situation is becoming intolerable and i miss him more and more. for the last two months he has been waiting for a call for work and he has said if they dont call soon he may come over here independently to be with me.

The problem is that when i ask how long he is going to wait and what time span does he refer to when he says soon-he cant seem to tell me. i have become upset and have suggested on some occasions that maybe we should call it a day because we cant be together-he insists that he wants us to continue and so do i so for a few days i am hopeful again-but then i am back to the longing. i keep myself busy and he is helping his freind build a house-but nothing takes away the longing to be with him.

he lives at home with his parents and is a private person and his family in poland are not to happy with him working in england-so it is easier for them to accept a job offer in england than his own decision to come to england.

he wants to be able to come and go between england and poland when he wishes and this will be possible. i have told him i understand and i have been patient-but i now find i am suffering and my needs are being neglected.

the question is how much longer do i wait? the relationship is stagnating-i love him dearly and i want this to continue and from what he says he wants the same. but nothing is happening. i have expressed all these concerns to him and sometimes he goes quiet for a few day and then its ok.

i know something needs to change.

i dont want to put too much pressure on him put i dont want him to think that waiting indefinitely is ok.

i was thinking of suggesting to him that we will give it one more month till the end of march and if he has no job offer for here one of two things happen

1. he comes here
2. i go there
please any advice? thank-you
jones101 1 | 349  
23 Feb 2008 /  #2
If he is not willing to pick you over his family's wishes it will ALWAYS be that way. Polish men and very strongly influenced by their families...their mother's especially. So if you get along with mum great...if not it ain't gonna be easy.

Since he lives at home he is also most likely used to mum doing everything for him...washing, cooking etc. So if he comes to you expect that to be a shock for him if you don't take over mum's role. Plus the parent's will always be making him feel guilty for leaving.

In my opinion making a major location change for someone you haven't lived with for a while is a recipe for disaster. Can it work? Sure...but people are people and most are not that flexible.
OP angel 14 | 86  
23 Feb 2008 /  #3
In my opinion making a major location change for someone you haven't lived with for a while is a recipe for disaster. Can it work? Sure...but people are people and most are not that flexible.

i agree with what you say and i think it will be better for both of us if he come here with the job-so a sense of perspective can be maintained. the question is do i go over there and see him and talk face to faceif a job offer isnt fourth coming- the feelings for thiis man are special and i am not goingto give up without a "fight"

i do think his familyare holding him back-he is so happy when he is here
jones101 1 | 349  
23 Feb 2008 /  #4
Hey if you can go visit why not? It will let you meet the folks and see his homeland. But If his family has that much influence over him it is not gonna change.

As for being happy when he is there it is EASY to be happy for a while anywhere...especially if it is new and different. The test comes after living a normal life there a while. I was ok with Poland when I first came here. After many years I am sick of it and we are moving away as soon as we get some stuff sorted. I am fortunate that my wife to be has been abroad to as many places as I have and her family is modern and not controlling.

We think living in a third country foreign to both of us is going to be best...it will put us on even footing and allow us to grow together even more.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,386  
23 Feb 2008 /  #5
Why doesn't one of you arrange a long weekend to see the other. It will give you a chance to talk and check your feelings. Flights are not that expensive.
KasiaG - | 44  
23 Feb 2008 /  #6
Angel, UK is such a short distance away from Poland, in comparison to couples who have the ocean keeping them apart. If my boyfriend was living within a distance of a two-hour flight, we'd be seeing each other every second week, not to mention holidays and vacations.

Long distance relationships, unfortunately, make sense only if you plan on being together soon. And I mean really soon. Otherwise, with time, you lose the intimacy (i don't see it as sex only) and it's becoming easier to think up obstacles.

I agree that if one person moves abroad without a job perspective, it's very risky. But if you're not taking this risk, you only have two options:

- wait infinitely for 'favourable' conditions, which obviously might never come
- call it quits..

I was at a moment in my relationship when I got the feeling we're floating away from each other, because of distance and both of us having life in our own country, which ISN'T our life together. I admit there was a lot of my fault in it. I got pretty scared and even though I love my job, I knew from the very beginning it's not more important for me than him, and so I'm moving in a little over a month.

People are different and go through different stages in life and I realize for some people job is very important, especially if you have some financial/family obligations.

But for two people in love, every obstacle can be overcome, if they're dedicated to work hard to be happy together. You do need a sense of what's real, but you also need to realize your own feelings and goals.

So, I'm not saying my choice would be best for everyone, but I do believe if you can't take a decision to be together, you should take a decision to be apart. For the sake of both of you.

Saying that, I do have a question - is there a problem with you moving over here to live with him?
OP angel 14 | 86  
23 Feb 2008 /  #7
i think i will telll him that one of us has to make a decision to be with the other if he ,for whatever reason is not able to come here by the end of march then i will go to him-i think this is the only decsion otherwise the relationship will not survive. i will post a translation
Wroclaw 44 | 5,386  
23 Feb 2008 /  #8
Are you really willing to give up your work, home, friends etc ? Where are you going to live and what work are you going to do ?

If this guy wants commitment, let him prove it.
jones101 1 | 349  
23 Feb 2008 /  #9
Ultimatums rarely work as well so bear that in mind,
Finefilly 2 | 10  
23 Feb 2008 /  #10
Hi Angel,

I sympathise with your situation as I'm separated from my boyfriend quite frequently because of his job - he's away for four months at the moment. The difference with me is that my boyfriend is English and he comes home to me. I have also known him longer than two years.

You say that you've known him for a year but he's been away for the past six months. In reality then you've only seen him for six months on home turf ... this makes a bit of a difference in my book. Your relationship is still in its early stages and to make such a radical decision of moving to a different country on that basis is not a good idea.

If you both wanted to be together you would have made more of an effort to get together (KasiaG and Wroclaw's posts) - true love really does find a way.

This probably isn't what you want to hear but I think it would be better to have tears now with your own friends to comfort you than tears in a foreign country with a man you thought loved you.

I hope it works out xx
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
23 Feb 2008 /  #11
i think i will telll him that one of us has to make a decision to be with the other if he ,for whatever reason is not able to come here by the end of march then i will go to him-i think this is the only decsion otherwise the relationship will not survive.

My opinion is that if he isn't coming to you, then you should definitely go to him like you suggested. But I think it should be out of love. I don't think he should be told that he has to make a decision. It sounds so harsh like that. Real love shouldn't be so conditional, that if he doesn't do what you want then it will not survive. It may be true but it's not the way to handle love. That's just my opinion.
OP angel 14 | 86  
24 Feb 2008 /  #12
i have text him to say i will go and see him middle of march and spend some time together
KasiaG - | 44  
24 Feb 2008 /  #13
Good thinking, Angel! :)
I do hope he was happy to hear that..
Wroclaw Boy  
24 Feb 2008 /  #14
Best make sure to take some cooking lessons from his mum as well, perogi, barsch, Golabki etc..

Nothing like the tase of home!
Lukasz 49 | 1,746  
24 Feb 2008 /  #15
you are still in Poland ? still in property industry ;) ?

btw joke :)
OP angel 14 | 86  
24 Feb 2008 /  #16
Best make sure to take some cooking lessons from his mum as well, perogi, barsch, Golabki etc..

Nothing like the tase of home!

i will do anything to make him happy lol

hi just want you all to know-my polish guy has spoken to me said thank-you to me for understanding why my age maybe a problem for his family in poland that he loves me and wants to be with me in england and that my age is not a problem for him and he will be here soon and he thinks i am fantastic-i love him so much

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