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Partner wants me to come to Poland?


Rysavy 10 | 308
7 Jan 2014 #1
Uh oh..now what? Shoe on other foot. He wants me to come to Poland

......the plan that HE originally had sketched out was actually best (with some localized modification by me).

Not that I have any real attachment to any geographic location. Military brat and career in army pretty much solved that.
But a change after almost two years of planning without prep is problematic.

Plan A: I would return to Arizona from business with my mother on east coast, come out of retirement, get most the expenses earned up. Import him. marry him, work & wait the adjustment of status procedures and pick up a transferable degree from 2 yr school like ultrasound tech while getting a firm handle on my youngest childs' custody ( I have full custody but him having parental rights can allow him to mess with me). It would give me time to auction antiques and loose diamonds. Then make final decision on if he wanted to be citizen or just work a lil longer, sock away cash 5 years THEN move back to POLAND. This would put my son at age of least amount of court disapproval for move and granting total parental control and have put him at the maximum window of opportunity for programs to possible reach him.

Also, Hunny has very good english, has worked here before. I have several friends and family as endorsers

This newer Plan B has me struggling the work and court on tighter schedule, to prevent being stopped from moving. Ponying up the cash to ship the things that cannot be left behind. Figuring out what I do once I get there. Dang , he knows I am susceptible to cold weather so not gonna be worth a damn outside my first and maybe part second winter there

And will not have Polish language well enough to be a table busser, much less something lucrative while our marriage gets its nominal (if description is accurate) inspections.

He would be very locked in to a job in that time period (though what brought this about is his family's business might get a very lucrative contract, and his family is more supportive ...though I would not call lack of dramatics and hysterics a sudden approval <_< Specially with a recent development). If they were, it would indeed make the transition very smooth. He is quitting school after the bachelor's.

From what he's checked he seems it would be very simple to come on long visitation, get married before the required days to ask extension? 45 days anyway and then it being a simple matter. I guess I don't need Visa only passport for initial visit because I am not from a restriction zone(?).

Still, he has not worked out logistics of where I'd be staying around Bialystok with my 8yr old for such long period, (plus my 8yr old , like a cousin and half brother, has a form of autism). I have no idea how much outlay that would be above shipment of goods .

This impulsiveness is very unlike him. Being a RL Blondie and Dagwood will be very hard. What on earth kind of employment could I do?
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,671
7 Jan 2014 #2
What on earth kind of employment could I do?

English teacher? :)
OP Rysavy 10 | 308
7 Jan 2014 #3
Heh! Texas English which is actually not my first language. ^_^

I'd like to have at least 4 yr olds level of Polish before I'd feel good about tutoring. As for doing so in a private school (which hunny thinks his family could pull for me) I just do not know.

Kidding aside I think I could get a student up to 7th grade level with reliable accuracy. That does not fit my standards though. *sigh*
DominicB - | 2,677
7 Jan 2014 #4
Plan B is totally unrealistic, for a lot of reasons:

1) The chances that you will find gainful employment in Poland are nil. You won't be able to support yourself, never mind a child.

2) A certificate in Ultrasound Technology will not open up any doors to you in Poland. Besides, jobs in the medical field in Poland are notoriously poorly paid.

3) His chances of finding gainful employment in the States are astronomically higher than your chances of finding such in Poland.

4) Support services for your son will be sorely lacking unless you are rolling in cash.

5) Your combined family income in absolute dollars will be far below what it would be in the States, and this will not be offset by the lower cost of living.

6) As a stay-at-home mom who does not speak the local language well, you will be incredibly isolated.

7) Not only is Poland a cold country, but Białystok is the coldest city in Poland.

8) Białystok is "Poland B", the equivalent of the economically disadvantaged Deep South of the United States. And if by living "around Białystok" you mean outside of the city, you should be warned that Polish village life is particularly tough on outsiders.

9) If the perspective in-laws tend to be "dramatic and hysterical", and your perspective MIL is "neurotic.... in a for real way", you will probably want to maintain a very healthy distance. A large ocean is a good buffer. Polish in-laws are fine if you yourself are bringing in lots of cash and are total master of your own situation, but they can make life hell if you are dependent and trapped, especially if you are stuck out in the village. Never agree to live with them, even for a short period. A further warning: there is a real possibility that they will use the fact that you have a "retarded" son as a weapon against you.

10) You will have no opportunities for self-improvement and further education in Poland, and even after you learn Polish, further education is unlikely to translate into appreciably increased earnings potential.

11) Learning Polish ain't easy, and you will receive very little help or support from native Poles, who are not used to foreigners learning Polish. You won't be up to conversational level for four or five years at least.

Bottom line: there just ain't no way in hell that this will work out, and it's practically certain that it will end in major disaster. You might be able to pick yourself up, brush off the dust and carry on, but will your son be able to?
Klo 1 | 21
7 Jan 2014 #5
DominicB

I completely agree. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
As a mother your first concern and duty is to your son. Moving him to Poland especially with his disability is the worst thing you could do to him. There is very little support for such children and probably nothing available in English. If you move him here it would be the most selfish thing a mother could do.
smurf 39 | 1,981
7 Jan 2014 #6
Dominic is right in everything he says.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,671
7 Jan 2014 #7
Dominic speaks sense you know Rysavy

also, with no offence meant at all, from your post it would appear you are planning to take your child away from his other parent?

is that really in his best interests?
DominicB - | 2,677
7 Jan 2014 #8
Just to be clear about it. Plan A isn't very realistic either, though it's a heck of a lot better than Plan B. Sorry, Rsavy, but you don't have very much to offer on the Polish job market, which is a whole lot more competitive than the American job market. If it weren't for the kid, I would say go ahead and try your luck if you want. But with the kid, I don't see how you would be able to make a go of it in Poland. I can't think of a single way in which you moving to Poland would not be a big step down from living in the States, especially for your son. And by "big", I mean "really, really big".

If your fiance is not willing to live with you permanently in the States, then you have a real problem. You'll have to talk that out together and decide whether you have a future together, and whether marriage is actually a good idea.
Harry
7 Jan 2014 #9
my 8yr old , like a cousin and half brother, has a form of autism

That should be the number one area of concern for you. What of the specialist care and attention that your son needs is available free of charge in one of Poland's poorest areas and in the English language? After he has become fluent in Polish (which will take how many years, according to his current teachers), what specialist care and attention, free of charge or paid, is available in that area? Given that Polish state schools at best provide a single year of language classes to foreign students (with many simply claiming that they don't have funds for even that), how are you planning to support your son while he cannot speak fluent Polish?

it would be very simple to come on long visitation, get married before the required days to ask extension? 45 days anyway and then it being a simple matter.

You might want to do a cursory search on this site about the joys of getting married in Poland. In your particular circumstances (i.e. having a US passport), you simply cannot get the certificate of no impediment which is required in order to get married in Poland; instead you'll need to go to court to swear an oath that you are legally entitled to marry but your government will not issue a certificate of no impediment to you, and then the court checks that the situation is as you say. Once they issue the waiver from the need to present a certificate of no impediment, you can go ahead and book your wedding date. What is the current waiting time for a hearing before the court and then how long will it take them to issue the waiver? You'll need to get everything marriage related done inside 59 days, given that your visa will be for 90 days and your application for an extension must be submitted at least 30 days before that expires.

Oh, and you have checked what paperwork the registrar is going to ask for, haven't you? For example, from memory you've been married in the past, you do have your original wedding certificate and divorce certificate, don't you?

his family's business might get a very lucrative contract, and his family is more supportive ...though I would not call lack of dramatics and hysterics a sudden approval

And if they don't get it, then what?
Frankly, you might want to suggest to husband to be that he mans up to his mother.

from your post it would appear you are planning to take your child away from his other parent?
is that really in his best interests?

If memory serves correctly about Rysavy's posts, getting an ocean between child and father is one of the very few things about the above new plan that is even vaguely sensible.
rozumiemfszistk
7 Jan 2014 #10
getting an ocean between child and father is one of the very few things about the above new plan that is even vaguely sensible.

fair enough i can relate to that very well, apologies to rsavy
poland_
7 Jan 2014 #11
This impulsiveness is very unlike him

As others have already mentioned your childs needs come before your future in laws business. One of our family members has two boys aged 12 and 14 with autism, the parents are originally from Warsaw and have lived in New York state for over 17 years, last year they considered returning to Poland they spent 3 months in Warsaw over the summer/2013 and checked out the available facilities/support for the boys. They came to the conclusion it would be much wiser to put the boys needs first, the wife would go back to work in the states and they would struggle through in the US.

You may want to consider this as your option 3 try Poland out over the summer/2014 and do your research before severing ties.
Crow 137 | 7,718
7 Jan 2014 #12
Partner wants me to come to Poland?

he loves you very much then, when he offering salvation to you
Harry
8 Jan 2014 #13
Rysavy, before you listen to a word Crow says you might want to note that:
a) he has never set foot in Poland (or the USA);
b) he is so utterly ignorant about Poland that he thinks white power racist scum are representative of Poles and speak for Poland;
c) he hates the USA because the USA stopped Serbs from invading neighbouring countries to murder and/or rape people before stealing their land.

Crow, perhaps you'd like to share with us your expert knowledge as to why an eight-year old special needs child who doesn't speak a word of English would be better off being cared for in a system where there are far fewer carers and virtually none who can communicate with him? Or perhaps you'd care to tell us all about the job options which are open to a non-EU citizen who has no Polish qualifications at all and speaks no Polish? Or maybe you'd like to give us the benefit of your vast experience of living in small towns in poor parts of Poland? No? Well given than you have nothing to add to this thread other than your hatred for the USA, perhaps you'd prefer to just say nothing at all?
Ironside 48 | 9,843
8 Jan 2014 #14
Uh oh..now what?

He is homesick and maybe not thinking straight. Moving from Poland to the USA could be a bit of a shock to the system and generally immigration is not that easy, first two, four years are worst. So that maybe be it. If feasible go for a few weeks to Poland for a visit.

As for moving to Poland tell him to get real, unless you are financially well off and you don't need to work to support yourself or he can provide for you in Poland. You are a woman tell him off on two levels - financial and emotional, then smooth it with visit to Poland.

You asked I provided:)
Harry
8 Jan 2014 #15
He is homesick

Judging from the title (and my memory of the OP's previous posts), he is in Poland and she is in the USA.

As for moving to Poland tell him to get real, unless you are financially well off and you don't need to work to support yourself or he can provide for you in Poland.

The thing that would concern me far more than the finances is the effect on her son.
Ironside 48 | 9,843
8 Jan 2014 #16
Judging from the title (and my memory of the OP's previous posts), he is in Poland and she is in the USA.

What? Is that a long distance relationship? For goodness sake......

he thing that would concern me far more than the finances is the effect on her son.

Money in Poland can solve most of those problems, there is not lack of specialists if can afford that. Children are more resilient that they seem.
Harry
8 Jan 2014 #17
What? Is that a long distance relationship?

I believe so (but I might be wrong).

Money in Poland can solve most of those problems, there is not lack of specialists if can afford that.

There may well be a lack of such specialists who speak fluent English, especially in small towns near one of Poland's poorest cities.
sobieski 107 | 2,128
8 Jan 2014 #18
But as we all know, Iron is the definitive authority on everything concerning contemporary Poland.
OP Rysavy 10 | 308
9 Jan 2014 #19
@Crow.. well honors aside there are obstacles to this change in plans ^_^Silly man

And it is long distance mostly because of his schooling had he not had 3 classes to finish out he wouldn't be in Poland right now. We do well apart and in same house. It didn't change our relationship dynamics to spend a summer. He has spent the second year bucking his family (mostly mother) over this and I think he was so relieved at their sudden capitulation he is caught unwary.

checked out the available facilities/support for the boys. They came to the conclusion it would be much wiser to put the boys needs first, the wife would go back to work in the states

^ THAT is what worries me most.
I am taking advantage of every benefit on his behalf I can, though the onus of his day to day living will fall on me if he is not mainstreamed in next 5-6 years. Right now, this place where my mom lives is so isolated here in US he is getting close to zero therapies. Not all states are equal. Poland would have less than zero.

Hunny is looking at money that could support us with me not working, and there is certainty in the contract. That is what tempts him. But been there-done that. I grew up with a trust fund that was dissipated before I reached majority. I got two years of engineering out of the dividends that had been put in a working account and when I turned 18 (21 was majority) it was suddenly gone. Lesson? I NEVER count on "expected" outcome or "possible" earning. Plus family that hires you can just as quickly (and legal repercussion free) fire you.

My other 3 big worries (6-9-10) are in the negative likelihoods that Dom.. numbered out.

I do not think that us starting in Poland best for long term outcome. To keep communication open I would not just shut down the idea.

But in my stomping grounds I can get him a job at a certain engineering firm that refurbishes aircraft within about 3 months of his being legal to work. Or job with a cousin ..4 to chose from.When I come out of retirement hiatus ( took early painful cashout of 401 K and left army when my youngest first had problems then autism was diagnosed and been living off that for 6 years, a lot went to gruesome court battles. I win each one but they cost)

I can go USPS and he can optionally do some p/t school to translate over his diplomas and be the manwife ( ^_^). My family and friends here liked him, though were wary at first, and are supportive of us here.

I have to present the argument with his original assessment plus points I can find here. It is not me just wanting MY way or saying NO ..USA til death!

Sure if one leaves out the factors of my kids (daughter happily pursuing college and fiancé. Older son is about as caring where he lives as I am) ::::::

..it would really just be a crappy time while getting a small circle of friends and learning passable Polish. But I just don't equate crappy time with good start to new marriage.

Paperwork stuff is not as big a deal. I have my legal documents together. Was still holding a top secret before separation from service. I have held SCI. I am a little on the broke side but I have no debts. All my personal belongings would fit in a large moving "Pod".

I have all of my marriage, divorce, support records and then some in triplicate (former military). I am green-lighted by catholic church to remarry within the church. I have no health problems any newer than those I grew up with that were bad in youth, but not so bad after all. For all my butter cooking, bacon munching. No cholesterol problem. No heart problems. Sugar or wotnot.

I'm definitely NOT moving unless he already has his own place. That I've put my feet into the ground over and have already thrown out there. And he is spoiled for space and amenities, so I just don't see him getting a place he is comfy with in any salary but the family business. Heh ..another minor problem. ...vehicle. Unless I ship my own. He drives a Mercedes of a size that makes me cringe. Aieee! His dad has nice crew truck and mum has a minivan.. but... *see Dom's list #9*

I know it seems dithery of me to worry on all this, but I've simply been thrown for a loop with this VERY abrupt suggestion of my going there. Especially from a person who has been very practical for entire time in acquaintance as well as relations.

(I would have responded sooner but my net was out for hours... stupid 'Superpolar' weather system)

He is homesick and maybe not thinking straight. Moving from Poland to the USA could be a bit of a shock to the system and generally immigration is not that easy, first two, four years are worst. So that maybe be it. If feasible go for a few weeks to Poland for a visit. As for moving to Poland tell him to get real, unless you are financially well off and you don't need to work to support yourself or he can provide for you in Poland. You are a woman tell him off on two levels - financial and emotional, then smooth it with visit to Poland. You asked I provided:)

^_^

Yes, I suspect the realness of not being in Poland for some time is finally biting him; as well as grasping hopeful straw that mother Is burying hatchet in location not in my torso.

Maybe a visit is in order, so he can see the realness of my being a fish out of water where in USA he'd merely be bird without flight. I guess his personal family is upper middle class with double black sheep parents, with tons of academics in family teaching in universities and two sets of very well endowed grandparents. He is only male of his generation on either side.

So he has a lot of expectations on him as well as probably spoiled some. (I 'm in love yes... but not flitterpated I see him for flaws as well as strengths)
DominicB - | 2,677
9 Jan 2014 #20
Lesson? I NEVER count on "expected" outcome or "possible" earning.

You learned well. I've been burned a few times myself. Hope makes you do the stupidest things.

To keep communication open I would not just shut down the idea.

Actually, males deal a lot better with a firm and final "no" without further discussion than prolonged indecisive discussion, which they find frustrating and tiring. Women value discussion. Men consider it a waste of time. As a divorced parent with two sons and military experience, you should know that by now. It would help a lot to nip this in the bud rather than to let it fester. That way, he can constructively focus his time and energy planning how to make a go of it for all three of you in the States, rather than wasting his time making unrealistic plans for a life with you in Poland.

You do realize that flying to the States to visit your children is prohibitively expensive from the point of view of a person living in Poland? Your fiance would have to bring in a helluva lotta cash by Polish standards to pay for tickets to the States on an annual basis.

Life will be a lot easier for both of you and your kid as well if both of you are working, or can at least find a job. Even if you chose not to work in the States, you have the option of taking courses or otherwise improving your qualifications in the meantime, an option that will not exist for you in Poland.

the onus of his day to day living will fall on me if he is not mainstreamed in next 5-6 years.

There will be ZERO hope of mainstreaming your child in Poland. He's going to be a very lonely outsider for at least the first couple years. Like I said before, unless you are positively rolling in cash, cash and more cash, there will be essentially no services available to help your son in Poland.

You sound like an independent and experienced grown woman, and not like someone who is going to deal well with being totally financially, materially and emotionally dependent on a twenty-something momma's boy and his messed-up family. I would think very carefully about sacrificing my independence, especially to someone who is still wet behind the ears and still having problems being independent on his own.

Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against the idea of May-December romance. But it would be delusional to expect that a twenty-something momma's boy is going to be able to provide the security and stability that you and your son need to thrive. As the older and more experienced member of the pair, that will be your job, not his, and you will not be able to do that if your wings are clipped by not being able to work and speak the local language.

Having read your other posts, I think that the prospect of being trapped with and subject to his pathologically family is something that can cause real and lasting harm to you and your son. Without your own source of cash, you will be totally under their power. As will he, as they will be the ones providing his income, and his family will definitely use the fact that it is they who are, after all, paying the bills to lord over you. I can't imagine why you would even entertain the thought of putting yourself and your son in that position.

You have a lot of thinking to do, including about whether this relationship has a future at all. I agree with everyone else that your primary responsibility is to your son, and that his needs come first before yours or your fiance's. I understand your need for love and a relationship, and understand that you have already invested a lot emotionally in this relationship, but it's time to start thinking rationally and realistically like a mom and a grown up.

Wish you all the best!
OP Rysavy 10 | 308
12 Jan 2014 #21
Yikes.. parents are possibly going to up the ante.

They are contemplating buying out a modest accounting firm (and it's clientel list) from a retiring friend.... They won't resell it IF Lech will be there to run it under his name and ownership; having the retiree p/t as consultant til he does courses <_<

But on the bright side, he is calmer now and taking wait and see attitude, while continuing back to plan A. He assured me that there is no way he'd be staying there and importing me unless he has already obtained a place for us to live and has income steady. He was excited and had meant "IF" something lucrative happens before he is staged to come west, would I come. My son is still largest worry when speaking about any location, not just Poland. I feel better. He was worrying me with the suddenness and we didn't get to talk about it until after the holidays and his last day in internship.

Whew!

They must have pitched it wrong. Heh.

Ugh..I always end up on at a late hour.... nini all!


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