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Help, I need advice about long distance relationship with Polish guy in Poland

Miss P
4 Oct 2015 #1
Hi guys. I know this is far down the road from the original author, but I really need your inquisition here, so here goes.
I am liberal woman of African ethnicity, living in Sweden since childhood. Both Sweden and Uganda which is my country of original origin are pretty liberal countries and I consider myself to be far from a religious person, (spiritual but not religious - certainly not catholic).

I`ve always said that I oppose long distance relationships and marriages that require someone moving from an entirely different part of the world and into your life, your house, your culture. That must be somewhat of a social lobotomy.

Most of the relationships I see here between Swedish residents and their African or Asian imported lovers often wither shortly after permanent stay papers are drawn for the earlier very much in love imported husband or wife.

(Maybe its a matter of power shifting from someone that earlier seemed very attractive when one part was in the 3rd or 2nd world, and who now few years down the road does no longer seem all that powerful and nice when looked at when you both are in the 1st world). Don't know, thats just a theory.

Anyway long short short, I went through a bad separation with my ex, I moved out of his house to an apartment, I now have polish next door neighbors that are very kind (even though we are really struggling with the language barrier). These polish neighbors had a visitor from poland last month and that visitor caught my attention. In the 3 days he was here I caught overwhelming feelings for him and Yes we made love on the second day and we have been talking very intencivley in texts since then. My neighbors asked me to come with them to Poland and celebrate christmas and new years and I agreed, but when I talked to him about it I gave him the choice of coming here or me going there and he seemed to prefer to come to me instead. This could be a bad thing.

He says he wants to be with me and only me. He worries that I'm going to cheat on him and I am very concerned with the same matter even though I don't voice it.

Big issues with all of this :
-Im black and he is super blonde and white. How is this going to work with the Polish culture?
-Im older than him by 2 years.
-i had a miscarriage in prior ralationship, I have a bad scar from this event and I guess he did`nt se it when we were intimate.

-We live 12 hours travel from each other.
-I don`nt understand any Polish even though I`ve been writing to him in that language. I`m pretty sure he thinks that I do, since he tends to write me in Polish slang every now and then. Also I'm good at reading body language so when he was here I did figure out some of what they were saying which prompt him to say "cut it out, she can understand us" in Polish - this made me smile a little bit - and that made him sure I could understand everything else he was saying.

-The biggest issue is that this is not my first but my 4th love at first sight. The first one was 11 years ago, and lasted 5 years. the second one was 3,5 years and the last one 2,5 years. I don't regret anyone but the last relationship, because he turned out to be exactly wrong in every way for me. I stayed for a years extra because I loved his kids and also had moved and given up so much already (not worth it). So as you notice this feeling is very good but very devious. Can I even trust my feelings anymore?

I told him I loved him right before he left 3 days after I met him. He told me he loves me to. I know this sounds severely and entirely crazy but I really do love him. His eyes really touch my soul when he looks at me.

I`m also very stressed out today because he has asked if he can call me and "listen to "my angelic voice". We hav'nt spoken on phone since he left here a month ago. I did`nt dare to call him since I have no idea what to say and I'm scared ******** that we will get into the dreaded unbearable silence on the phone and he will end up deciding that I`m more dumb than he remembers or that the language barrier is to high. When I write him we now write in Polish most of the time. In the beginning he wrote me in English, but then I kept translating my messages into Polish as he then also resided to answering me just in Polish as well. Since both our countries are EU members he is free to come and go as he wants but he was reluctant to living in Sweden since the labour market here is down the drain and still dropping. Hoping to hear from you all soon. All advice is welcome
InPolska 9 | 1,805
5 Oct 2015 #2
Hi! You know, Poles are no monolithic block and as a result, everybody is different. Nobody too will be able to give you "advice" since nobody knows either you or the boy.

It seems to me (I'm a woman) that you were very quick (= sleeping together on the 2nd day), which implies (my opinion) that the guy is pretty quick and therefore very much likely to pick up girls very easily. I am sure that in Poland he does not live like a monk and sleeps around.

Also, as you say, problems to find employment in Sweden for him and for you, as a black girl, Poland is not the easiest place to be so I don't think such a couple could work out.

Of course, I may be wrong but since you have posted in a public forum, I'm answering ;). I would suggest that you don't get obsessed byu this guy (whom you don't know in fact) if you don't want to be hurt.

Take care! :)
kaz200972 2 | 229
5 Oct 2015 #3
First of all, let your boyfriend know that your spoken Polish is poor and request that speaks English over the phone. Learn some Polish, it may well come in useful for the future.

I don't think that your age difference will be any problem, two years is small and Polish men do go out with older women. Africans often age better than Caucasians anyway.

Long distance relationships are hard but twelve hours travelling distance is not insurmountable.

As for being black I don't think colour will be a huge issue. I am Asian and had a relationship with a Polish man and my colour didn't present any problem in Poland it'self.

I spent and still spend a lot of time in Poland and have never been hassled about being Asian. My relationship broke up because of differences in values and lifestyles ( and the fact he drank too much).

I am still very close to his family and have far more contact with them than he does, they don't acknowledge his current (long standing) partner who is Polish, so being African may be no problem at all.

My ex was an expatriate Pole in Britain, I think that expatriate communities have their own problems and are not always representative of their original homelands. If you want marriage from the relationship it would probably be easier to live in Poland, we always got on far better when we were in Poland, it's a nice place with quite a lot going for it as a home.

You seem worried about him wanting to come to Sweden for Christmas, it could be that he wants to make sure that the relationship is solid before you meet his family. He probably just wants to be sure it's not a holiday romance.

Good luck for the future :)
OP Miss P
6 Oct 2015 #4
Thank you so much for your reply InPolska and kaz200972.
Don't worry about it InPolska, I did not write here so that people would high-five me and pat me on the back. I really want your honest opinion because this is peoples lives, and before you know it, we have stuck even more people in this situation like family (and even babies). So we really need to get real.

No one person is exactly like the other, but let me tell you about some distinct cultural differences I caught on to.
In Sweden religion is a thing of the past and people are happy to say that they condemn the church and so on. So Mr K asked me what religion I was and I laught a little and then said "the region of NO religion.". I could see that he was shocked out of the waters, as he proceeded to ask if I was not Muslim?

I answered - "my mother and grand mother claim Christianity and I was baptised as a baby, but be sure that I am a very spiritual individual, even though I do not agree with any Abrahamic religion.

After a minute of silent tension, he smiled and showed me his cross around his neck. This was too awkward. (But openly displaying religious views could be frowned upon as being fanatic here in Sweden).

The reason why we rushed into things was that he was leaving the next day.
And also, I've already passed my thirties and don't like playing games anymore.
If I really I like someone, I find it very hard not to show him or her exactly how I feel. I've tried acting coy before, but it has never worked for me, since it is what it is, acting.

He is a smart, young and very good-looking man so I believe chances are limited that he is being faithful to me. I figure it can be hard for a guy like him to hold off from intimacy for 3-4 months, especially since he's only known me for a short time.

Here is some update about the call:
I totally freaked out and could not even pick up when he called. He called twice and then shortly after I send him a message on Facebook, and that got a really bad response. He thinks I have a husband or a boyfriend and that that's why I'm not answering my phone.

That is I really not the case, I didn`t answer because of the language barrier. I was to scared to make a fool out of myself. I tried to explain this but don't know how successful I was.

About the racism:
I have to girlfriends that are black as well, that told me about their horrible experiences with racism when they visited Poland. One of them just went for a short stay with her class in secondary school, and the other went to medical school over there, as many aspiring Swedish doctors do. She was there for 3 years, got her pre-med degree and left as soon as she could, she said.

An extra thank you Kaz, for your positive insight on this. I really needed some reassurance; cause I'm already in love with this man, and don't want to give up easily. But I just want to be prepared for whatever might be coming my way.

It does make sense that he wants to know me more before he takes me to his hometown. I myself, don't live in my hometown over here, so it's easier for me to have any guests I want without any pressure from close relatives.

Kaz, do you speak polish? I guess you do, but for how long did you stay there? And how long did it take for you to learn? And how did you learn the language?

Another question is how far can I get with speaking English over there?

I've been in both Croatia and in Poland before, and I enjoyed myself VERY much.
When I was leaving for Croatia with my friend who is also Croatian, he told me that he's people are very racist and that I should be prepared for that and not let it affect me too much. When we got there, people were so exited to see me that they were asking to take pictures with me and we also got in VIP to all the clubs, and felt very welcomed. So everything was quite the opposite of what he had told me. (At some point I even contemplated that these people had confused me with someone else).

And when we were in Poland, I really felt welcome over there to, and everyone who spoke to me, did so in a very polite and positive manner. And all the polish people I've met here are just as nice and kind.

I've been to Grease and Italy to, and I will never willingly go back to those countries because they were severely racist, incomparably to any other country I've visited.

I guess you just have to find the right kind of people.
Jardinero 1 | 402
6 Oct 2015 #5
I've been to Grease

Really - where would that be? ;-)
8 Oct 2015 #6
Hey MissP, I'm a black man dating a Polish woman. It's long distance aswell and it's working for us, the hasn't been much of a culture shock, I'm atheist and she's agnostic. She's also older than me by 3 years. I had the same experience in Poland when I visited they are pleasant people. My advise is be blunt about the situation don't shy away from honesty, he might be having the same concerns.
28 May 2017 #7
I'm inlove with a polish guy i didn't meet ,i'm from Philippines and his from poland.we talked for four years..but untill now i am waiting for him to visit me..

What am going to do this kind of relationship?
5 Oct 2018 #8
How is he as a boyfriend? How does it work for the both of you?

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