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Living with a Polish man, but he has a drinking problem?


pam
8 Feb 2012 #31
What you think is irrelevant, you simply don’t know and no amount of both of your ******** here will accomplish that

just my opinion on anitas post. there obviously is a problem with her partners drinking which needs to be resolved first. enough said.
Wedle 16 | 496
8 Feb 2012 #32
I need time to think because I have been offered a transfer at work and maybe that might get us away from this crowd, fresh start etc...

So he is a drunk and you believe that by taking a transfer it may help your relationship, you are a victim of his alcoholism,move on and give the guy a wide birth, if he is prepared to be honest and face his demons, support him.Otherwise bin him.
rybnik 18 | 1,461
8 Feb 2012 #33
worriedanita should send him for a counseling if she thinks there’s a problem

The point is the guy with the problem has to want to go. If he doesn't go, the OP should (get on with her life, that is)
Wulkan - | 3,249
9 Feb 2012 #34
I can’t have a relationship with some one who’s culture accepts this kind of behaviour as normal, and I can’t believe this is true ?

No, this is not true, the guy is bullshiting you. I'm Polish man btw..
OP worriedanita
9 Feb 2012 #35
Thank you everyone for your input,
This is obviously not a cultural issue,
I went to see an alcohol counsellor last night, she didn't
give me any bullsh-t , it does not look good.
He turned up at the house later drunk, blaming everyone but himself.
I have made the decision to finish the relationship permanently,
everyone deserves better than a disloyal drunk.
Thanks again I just needed to be sure that I was not mistaking alcoholism with
a difference in drinking habits.
TRANSFER SOON JUST ME GOING
teflcat 5 | 1,032
9 Feb 2012 #36
Good luck Anita. Don't look back.
Wroclaw Boy
9 Feb 2012 #37
blaming everyone but himself.

Thats not good, if people with problems don't realize it - how can they help themselves?
pip 10 | 1,660
9 Feb 2012 #38
Good luck Anita. Don't look back.

I 2nd that!
OP worriedanita
9 Feb 2012 #39
Thats not good, if people with problems don't realize it - how can they help themselves?

Well I have done my best, he says alcoholics can never stop drinking and that I have the problem not him. I should accept him as he is.

I have responsibilities i have two children at university to support. I have just found out he hasn't been sending his child support payments

to Poland so he's making things easy for me to terminate the relationship.
Thanks for the well wishes
f stop 25 | 2,513
9 Feb 2012 #40
He turned up at the house later drunk, blaming everyone but himself.

Ha! He did show up! You didn't have to go looking for him.. I'd venture further to say that he might not be that easy to get rid of. He'll soon realize he's made a mistake and re-double his efforts to get you back. Again, have it straight in your head what you will and will not put up with, and stick to your guns.
pip 10 | 1,660
9 Feb 2012 #41
Well I have done my best, he says alcoholics can never stop drinking and that I have the problem not him. I should accept him as he is.
I have responsibilities i have two children at university to support. I have just found out he hasn't been sending his child support payments
to Poland so he's making things easy for me to terminate the relationship.
Thanks for the well wishes

I imagine that being an alcoholic in Poland is very difficult, however, doesn't give him an excuse not to change- sounds like he is happy with his decision. time to move on..best wishes in your future and perhaps getting out sooner rather than later is a good thing- you never know if he will be violent towards you.
OP worriedanita
9 Feb 2012 #42
Ha! He did show up! You didn't have to go looking for him.. I'd venture further to say that he might not be that easy to get rid of.

Day off today and yes he has shown up again, walking into the house as though it's his,
on being ejected he informs me that he is now the boyfriend of'the girl' who was chasing after him, so hopefully when
he has finished removing his things from the garden I will never see him again !!!!!!!!!
I'm a bit gutted that he obviously prefers the charms of an alcoholic sl-g to mine but to be fair to all concerned
he will probably be much happier with this woman, as he will be able to be himself and not have to pretend any longer.
Transfer in 2 months so won't have to feel an idiot for too long!
pam
9 Feb 2012 #43
Transfer in 2 months so won't have to feel an idiot for too long!

best of luck with your transfer and btw, the only idiot is him, not you.look forward to your new life:)
Harry
9 Feb 2012 #44
he hasn't been sending his child support payments to Poland

A violent drunk, a liar and a dead-beat dad: sounds like pure unadulterated class. You are far far better off without him.
kondzior 12 | 1,231
9 Feb 2012 #45
Oh, comon, maybe he just got a stresfull job, or something. There is no better way of dealing with streses, then geting dead drunk. Not every day, to be sure, that would be like alcoholism. But twice in the week, it is about right.
OP worriedanita
9 Feb 2012 #46
Oh, comon, maybe he just got a stresfull job, or something.

I have the stress ful job, he is educated but works in a recycling unit, boring but not stressful!
I doubt he's stressed financially as he appears to be drinking his child support payments away or spending
them on Vodka for his mates. I'm not Einstien but the intellect amongst the people
he has now gone to live with would hardly tax the average amoeba!!!
The guy has a problem big style!!!!!
JonnyM 11 | 2,620
9 Feb 2012 #47
Well I have done my best, he says alcoholics can never stop drinking and that I have the problem not him.

Mine said that too.

There is no better way of dealing with streses, then geting dead drunk.

Most ways of dealing with stress are better than deliberately making yourself ill.

I'm not Einstien but the intellect amongst the people
he has now gone to live with would hardly tax the average amoeba!!!

Alcoholics do tend to head on a downward path.

Transfer in 2 months so won't have to feel an idiot for too long!

Good luck and God bless! When one door closes another opens and you really will feel better once you have moved on!
gumishu 11 | 5,629
9 Feb 2012 #48
Day off today and yes he has shown up again, walking into the house as though it's his,

I told you he already takes you for granted - if he didn't he wouldn't start this binge drinking at all - if there is something that can help an addicted person to abandon their addiction it is love - but it's not the love that someone offers them - no no - only if they love somebody enough will it give them power to overcome the addiction
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,839
9 Feb 2012 #49
Day off today and yes he has shown up again, walking into the house as though it's his,

change the locks anita
gumishu 11 | 5,629
9 Feb 2012 #50
worriedanita:
Day off today and yes he has shown up again, walking into the house as though it's his,

change the locks anita

it'll end with personal assault or stone throwing or a breaking in if she lives on the ground floor - obvious solutions are sometimes not the best ones

the best advice is to keep you move/transfer secret Anita - if you let him in from time to time but not allow him to stay for the night you may avoid outbursts of violence - you need to use your judgement wisely
donlou31 1 | 30
9 Feb 2012 #51
Sorry things have turned out this way for you Worriedanita but good you see this now rather than waste any more time on this selfish, sad excuse for a man.

There is no better way of dealing with streses, then geting dead drunk.

Everyone has stress and deals with it, usually without becoming an alcoholic in the process, somewhere along the line this guy had his reasons why he turned to Alcohol, you can never truly know what is in someones head, or what they are desperately trying to blot out, unless they tell you truthfully.

worriedanita: he says alcoholics can never stop drinking and that I have the problem not him.

Absolute bullsh*t.... of course he can stop, with help and support but like others have said, he has to want to. There's always Esperal implant too if he seriously wanted to quit.

he informs me that he is now the boyfriend of'the girl' who was chasing after him,

I wouldn't take this personally.....she is merely a roof over his head and drinking partner and I would take pleasure in telling her that she is welcome to your used goods :)

Gumishu -the best advice is to keep you move/transfer secret Anita - if you let him in from time to time but not allow him to stay for the night you may avoid outbursts of violence - you need to use your judgement wisely

I agree, you need to be careful because sooner or later (hopefully later then you will be gone) he will realise what he has thrown away and things could get nasty.

Good luck x
f stop 25 | 2,513
10 Feb 2012 #52
of course he can stop. I know countless people that used to drink a lot, and got tired of feeling like sht next day.
Again, you have to let him know what you will not put up with, and stick to it.
Running, hiding is usually not necessary. All you have to do is make up your mind. Rest is easy.
Michael_jackson - | 12
10 Feb 2012 #53
Hi,
This is not a cultural problem.Different people have different mentally ,people who give cultural reason for alcohol are actually weak because they cant admit that they are sick and let other forces take over them.Though i am not polish.I am asian.People here are sick and morons who think that people from specific countries are like bad or womanizer,drunk.

Now coming to your problem.wait for him to come back.Talk with him about your feelings and tell him "how he will feel if you do the same"?Tell him that he may repent later after losing you.

Explain him this.Tell that its not culture,its him that letting bad forces take over him.(staying in muslim country dosent mean that you also have the right to marry 3 or more times).

And still if he does the same then its your call.You know what you need to do better than anybody else.
I wish you good luck.
sa11y 5 | 331
10 Feb 2012 #54
change the locks anita

Absolutely - if you don't one day you might walk into empty house - alcoholics need money to support their habit and it will probably get from bad to worse. Don't look back and do not even THINK about getting back with him.
OP worriedanita
10 Feb 2012 #55
only if they love somebody enough will it give them power to overcome the addiction

I think he really did love me but not as much as he loved alcohol!!!!!

I wouldn't take this personally.....she is merely a roof over his head and drinking partner and I would take pleasure in telling her that she is welcome to your used goods :)

Apparently she was buying him Vodka in return for sex, how SAD is that for both of them, bet he will have to pay for the Vodka now!!!!!! Knowing me I'd probably remind her that she had to get him drunk inorder to get sex from him HA HA , at least that never applied to me.

you really will feel better once you have moved on!

I'm gutted but I know I will be okay once all his things have gone and I've transferred jobs.

And still if he does the same then its your call.

Lovely post but my call is to move on because he doesn't want to help himself!!!
gumishu 11 | 5,629
10 Feb 2012 #56
Absolutely - if you don't one day you might walk into empty house - alcoholics need money to support their habit and it will probably get from bad to worse. Don't look back and do not even THINK about getting back with him.

she's moving soon - he won't be selling HER property so soon - it always takes time to degrade - it doesn't happen overnight - if you change locks the guy will feel like losing control and this is not a good thing (things may get pretty hectic) - it's best he feels in control to the very last moments before she leaves and has no suspicion whatsover that she's gonna leave

I don't say definitely don't change locks - use your judgement - just be warned that it may actually make things harder for yourself
sa11y 5 | 331
10 Feb 2012 #57
if you change locks the guy will feel like losing control and this is not a good thing (things may get pretty hectic) - it's best he feels in control to the very last moments before she leaves and has no suspicion whatsover that she's gonna leave

Gumishu - he lost the control already, no point in denying this. And I wouldn't risk with him having the key - imagine if he comes in the night after a drunken row with his new girlfriend or mates and starts being abusive?

It's Anita's choice anyway - she knows the guy so can judge her situation better. Even if she chooses not to change locks now, she should do it anyway at some stage (if the property will remain hers that is) - it's a matter of security.

If she moves AND sells the property then I guess it does not make much difference.
gumishu 11 | 5,629
10 Feb 2012 #58
Gumishu - he lost the control already, no point in denying this. And I wouldn't risk with him having the key - imagine if he comes in the night after a drunken row with his new girlfriend or mates and starts being abusive?

you're right - I haven't thought about it - yes, she knows him better and should use her judgement
OP worriedanita
10 Feb 2012 #59
I don't say definitely don't change locks

'
I have all the keys and there is a bolt on the door, it's not so much him I'd be nervous of but the 'girl' and her mother both are violent and both are rumoured to steal.

He tends to be aggressive only to men, hence getting the nephew away from the town to my family members,.
markskibniewski 3 | 200
10 Feb 2012 #60
Gumishu - he lost the control already[quote=sa11y] imagine

[/quote]
He has never lost control with OP at least from what has been written here. Imagine he sees the errors of his ways and stops drinking. We can all spin fairy tails.

I am sorry to hear about your problem. You are strong and will have no problem finding another partner. I live in a family of alcoholics on my mothers side of the family. I myself have an addictive personality so have to be cautious myself. Good luck to you and wish you the best.


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