News / What should Poland do to solve the population crisis? [101]

Come up with a specific incentive package to encourage some of the young ones to come back ... but then again, there isn't enough cash in Poland to look after the sick and old, so cash to bring back the young is non-existent. Better to rely on the hard cash the young send back, to look after their own sick and elderly. Isn't that the system?

USA, Canada / Living in Poland - prospects for Alabama guy ... need some advice! [146]


please don't tell him that ... it really isn't true ... it just depends on your natural facility with languages. OK, so I guess for some it would be insanely difficult. But for others it is cool, fine, not really such a problem.

I will never forget the excruciating embarrassment I used to feel, aged 22, standing in one of the tiny, packed general store-type shops that there were on every residential street corner almost, and going through in my head the combination of endings I needed for the accusative version of whatever I wanted, possibly plural, possibly involving quantities, and the dread of that moment when I got to the front of the queue and, like in a ski lift, had to jump in quick or would be run over by the impatient old bags who would have had me up against the wall and shot in a second just for my stumbling ... The little room would stiffen with astonishment as I gingerly tried out what I thought it was that would get me that loaf of bread or bag of flour or whatever it was ... sometimes the things were on the top or near the front, and I could point at them, but God forbid if they were on those shelves way back behind the counter ...

It was a prickly kind of misery that I can feel now, years later. And I still vaguely feel it, even though nowadays people just think I'm Polish, such is my integration. BUT, and this is it the whole thing - that is the excitement, challenge, joy of breaking through to someone else's world ... the thorns do scratch, but it's amazing when you get there. You re-invent yourself, and everything, by that segue into another culture. Personally I think it is very cool, but an open mind is the absolute prerequisite to success, and also never ever thinking it is impossible, because ... like learning to drive, it might feel totally counter-intuitive and awful, but you will get there in the end.


well, there is somewhere, in Europe, where everyone speaks pretty much the same language as you ... and it's only a couple of hours from Poland, so only like living in Boston and her parents being in NY ... and there are lots of Poles for her to befriend ... and you could then still keep learning Polish ... and there's an amazing free health service, and all sorts of other useful facilities ... and you would have your independence, in all sorts of ways.

Oxford has quite a lot to recommend it : )

USA, Canada / Living in Poland - prospects for Alabama guy ... need some advice! [146]


Actually, I would highlight quite a few bits in her story that are almost exactly what I have also experienced.

That whole thing of the family falling upon her things and sharing them out ... is, I'm afraid, something that really does happen. Especially with the toys. Any objects that come into the family realm are seen eventually as booty to be divvyed up. And if Sister Act left them somewhere for months ... well, the excuse would be that she obviously didn't care about her things, and didn't need them, and therefore didn't deserve them.

The main point of her story is 110% true, though: Poland is cool if you have enough cash, great if you have more than most people, and particularly sh*t if you don't have enough.

So, Jasono: absolute bottom line: make sure you are totally financially covered, independent, and ok. And if your wife already refuses to tolerate your mother, make sure you have your own separate emergency cash reserve, in case things get worse. Sorry to be so blunt, but ... it is my honest advice.

Having said that, if you haven't tried it, you really must. You might love it.

History / The story about German- Polish reconciliation [194]


That's what I meant. It was artistic licence ...

History / The story about German- Polish reconciliation [194]

Oh, come on - the Poles really quite love the Germans. It is not even so secret a love. Look at all the Mercedes and BMWs in Poland ... Poland wants to be Germany. It doesn't want to be Russia.

Life / You are Polish if... [433]

You are an English girl if ...

You order a double-vodka and orange in a Polish bar.

When your guy gets drunk and throws up, you stroke his hair and tell him you love him.

Sometimes your shoes don't match your nail varnish.


With a real hoover, on full power? Or with the puffing device? Please say not with the hoover plugged in ...

Life / You are Polish if... [433]

Pawian, I hope you are joking about the nose-hoover ... I really do ...

And another one:

You are Polish if you become physically excited at the thought of car boot sales on rainy Sundays.

Love / What am i to do knowing i can't get to see my Polish daughter [10]


I'm afraid he's right.

Everyone will just say how awful your ex is, and how it is not fair. But also, they will be right. It isn't fair. And you are being so fair - 600 quid a month in Poland is like £2K in the UK.

You are giving your all totally selflessly at the moment, and risking your life every second. I'd agree that your daughter has the absolute right to know and love her daddy, who is an amazing person. Nobody can deny you or her that.

I think you have to just ignore the ex trying to get you out of the picture, and try not to be hurt by it. You must keep visiting - just take no notice of her saying you don't need to, or you don't speak Polish, etc. And as for interrupting exams - 6 year olds don't have exams.

But also, when you get back to Germany, I think you need maybe to get sorted with some kind of permanent arrangement.

Looks like the only way you will get to see your baby is if you spend time often in Poland.

I know someone who goes every other weekend to see his kid in another country. He has a small flat in that country, and he always goes. And sometimes his kid comes over here to stay with him. You need an arrangement like that.

She hasn't actually tried to stop you yet - she's trying to put you off. But don't be put off.

I don't know what else to say really, because I just feel so much for you out there. You deserve all the support anyone can give you - not someone putting you off. But I guess if you can face Afghanistan, you can face this. Good luck.

Life / You are Polish if... [433]

and if ...

you have a home-made attachment for you vacuum cleaner for hoovering out the noses of your children

...

(I think that one deserves a line all of its own ; )

Life / You are Polish if... [433]


absolutely. and if:

you truly believe that not wearing slippers is far more likely to kill you than smoking 40 Russian-made Marlborough Red a day
you hold firmly that children can only safely eat ice cream if it has first been microwaved
you secretly believe Coca Cola is a natural vegetable drink with significant health benefits
you know for a fact that lard with fried onions, kept in an old jam jar out on the balcony, is a delicious and nutritious snack

you own an undernourished yorkshire terrier, and regularly kiss it on the mouth ...

... oh, and so much more. But don't get me started on what it is to be ENGLISH ... ; )

Life / Why are Polish so conservative and religious? [240]


The Poles I know who have pûrn on a big screen TV while little kids and grandmas are running around/sitting on the sofa (respectively) right in front of the telly don't seem so uptight ...

Life / Why are Polish so conservative and religious? [240]


The most important point. And the liberals came over here first, and were my first wave of Polish friends, and then the rest came over later, and gave me rather a shock ...

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


Have you had a sex change?

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


Wow, everything is so simple and clear-cut, isn't it?
Has it ever, ever crossed your mind that information is one thing, and experience another?


We are all entitled to an opinion. Mine happens to be based on experience. So please don't be so rude and call it 'tosh'. Frankly it has a better foundation than your posturing. And getting away from topic.

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


Again, not quite right ... rather for all who are told it is the 'sensible' option, and are too young/naive/inexperienced to understand even what they are doing, until it is too late ... for people who trust that system, and do what seems to be the suggested best option. Let's face it, almost everyone talking here also thinks that if a young person gets pregnant in an unplanned way, then the pregnancy should be removed - isn't that what the whole 'flushing out a zygote' means? So ... no, not at all just people who ask. People who are conditioned, and often pushed, in this direction. Of course some also ask, but a lot are just doing what they are told.

Again, I think that especially in Poland, it is fine to be pregnant and a teenager, if that situation occurs. Families are child-orientated, everyone has children if they can, and they have them young.

It also means there isn't a generation or several of deeply depressed 30-40 something women with no children, and desperate for them, as in the UK ... I think I'd rather be mother to a 16 year old at 34 than sobbing my heart out into a glass of chardonnay, as the unlucky ones do ...

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


Erm, afraid you are wrong there. The 1968 abortion act is constantly and deliberately circumvented in order to offer abortion, and it is a big business. Can't quite believe how naive you sound. (In the UK, abortion if not on medical grounds is only supposed to be carried out if signed off by two doctors who have seen the patient, and if it will cause more psychological or physical harm to the woman if she were to have the baby ... actually, in abortion clinics frequently women don't see any doctor, and they don't even have the procedure explained to them. Post abortion, as they lie crying, etc, they are told to be quiet in case the ones coming in hear them ... and that is just the tip of the iceberg.)

Sorry, but I think only those who have been through the procedure are really in a position to be able to judge what it is or isn't. And it certainly isn't something I would want any teenage daughter of mine to go through.

So if Poland judges that teen pregnancy is better than teen abortion, I think I am with them.

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


Absolutely. Totally agree. They shouldn't need locking up if they have been taught respect for life, themselves, etc. ...


As far as the woman's hormonal system and the way her body is operating at 3 months into a pregnancy, to remove that pregnancy is catastrophic, and in a significantly large number of women, has serious and, in some cases, life-long effects. It is a very traumatic intervention, and to be avoided at all costs. And that is just in terms of the woman's wellbeing. As for the unborn child, will have to beg to differ on when it becomes a life to be protected. Most women's bodies would tell you from the moment of conception. You are a guy ...

What is pretty heart-breaking, and at the core of this discussion really, is that whether or not the unborn child is considered of value and a child depends entirely on the circumstances of the parents. So, it is convenient in a teen pregnancy to say 'it isn't a baby', but when someone has been desperate for a child and paid thousands for IVF, they are cracking the champagne and crying with joy when they see it a few stages after zygote in a petri dish.

Re: this question here, though, a new one:
Is it ok to be pregnant and a teenager in Poland?

Because I actually think there is more tolerance of it in Poland, as women are generally much younger when they have children, and getting married/having kids at 20 or 21 isn't such a big deal, so a couple of years earlier isn't so bad.

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


The zygote is the one-celled organism that results from the fusion of the two gametes, ie, the very first fusion of the two. By the time anything is 'flushed out' (actually, hoovered out, if still hooverable, and if not, hauled) it is much much more than just one cell ... if you think that the D & C version of abortion is regularly used up to 12 weeks or so, and think about how big the fetus is then, we are not talking about one little fused cell. The baby is about 5 or 6 cm long, and has had a beating heart for some weeks. I saw both of my children on a scan at 8 weeks, and they were very much alive - bouncing around, moving, even though so very small. Life is unmistakable, and anyone who has seen a scan will not tell you they saw anything other than a live creature.

But I guess I shouldn't be boring about this. The point is, of course life begins at conception, it is quite ridiculous to try to hold to anything else, and so if this life is not wanted, then it shouldn't be created. If teens are getting pregnant, then their life will change forever, whether they have the baby, or an abortion. Abortions are no picnic. They are a death and the ensuing grief in themselves. Ask any woman who has had one. So absolutely vital that teenagers are locked up and not allowed alone together.

But what hope is there for them, especially in Poland with all that pûrn on the telly??

Life / Teenage Pregnancy in Poland [108]


nice


I'd rather sterilise people than kill babies ...

Love / help needed to warn off troublesome pole [25]


Glad to have helped but ... are you related to the guys in the original post, or in another situation? Sorry ... getting mixed up here about which girl/guy is which!!

But if you have been on the receiving end of this kind of blackballing ... you have my every sympathy.


yep, that is the form. You will bend over backwards to help, make phone calls, fix up jobs, do basically all sorts of things that yr English or otherwise UK friends wouldn't ever dream of asking you to do ... and then you will anyhow be the biggest s*k* in the world (especially if you ever stop helping so much).

I was once literally physically attacked by an older woman I had been pressurized into helping because there had been a day where I'd been at work and my phone had run out of battery, and during the 2 hours without phone contact, she'd needed to discuss something with the person whose house she was cleaning, and she hadn't been able to get through to me. Suffice to say, that was the end of my helping ... now know how to say no. It goes against the grain for me, as generally am ridiculously sympathetic ... but the rules are different, and I didn't realise that.

Important to wise up. And with this crazy girl, some kind of enforced restraint is needed. Threat of police will hopefully do it. Oh - and the CUTTING OFF COMPLETELY. That is very important. Totally blanket refusal to answer calls, say hello to her on the street, etc. Sounds draconian, but that is again the form. That is what you must do to indicate that she has been zeroed from yr lives.

Love / help needed to warn off troublesome pole [25]


This is, I think, a technique employed by Polish women in particular (as opposed to the men, although some do it as well, but usually only on their girlfriend/wife's instructions). I'm sure other nationalities do it as well - not saying it is a peculiarly Polish trick - but just that I have only seen it in action among Polish women: the bad-mouthing of a woman, especially a foreign woman, is a common tactic to get her off the scene. And it won't just be turning things so that they are wrongly interpreted - it will escalate to downright lies. And anything the woman does will be picked over for days, sifted through for yet more angles on how dreadful a person she is.

I should know. I have been on the receiving end of it, not once. It astonished me at first, because it is such an underhand trick, and it is strangely effective. Your son, though, is English, and will presumably just not listen to anything said, and isn't interested at all in this woman.

I think he should speak to her, tell her her doesn't want her, tell her to leave him alone, and say that if he hears from her again, he will go to the police. Police will usually work (just the threat).

UK, Ireland / My dream about UK. Please help. [86]


The Oxford PWN English-Polish Polish-English Dictionary has it, so don't be so certain unless you are ... it translates as 'dama w opalach'.

I have not anywhere tried to be mean or to criticise. I simply thought that you needed to be realistic about how you approach this. Great that you have some job offers. When you get there, hope it goes well.

I would still say, however, that if you live in someone's house, think a little bit about how you interact with the family, because it could be very uncomfortable/unpleasant for you if you don't get on, or, if as is more likely, you make waves that you aren't aware of making. Nobody will be quicker out of the door than someone who upsets a family's equilibrium. I am not in any way saying that you will, but you asked for advice, and whilst you have had lots of jolly comments from guys on here, I am telling you what I think it would be useful for you to know. Advice is not always what you want to hear, but hopefully it might help you. And what I said about being 'sensitive' is just that I have had experience from both sides - living with a family, and having people live with us - and I know that if you want to have a happy time there, and stay for as long as you want, then you will need to be a bit careful about what you share, and how you are. That is all. Don't be offended by that. It is not personal. I don't know you at all. I am just trying to help, as well.

UK, Ireland / My dream about UK. Please help. [86]


Yep.

You're already too sensitive about this, Noreen. And I have a great sense of humour, but was trying to give you the practical advice you need. So:

Either
Stay with friends while you find your feet and a job
Or
Get a job to go to.

You are currently throwing out your hopes and dreams like a bit of a damsel in distress, and hoping someone will come to your aid. Somebody might - I hope they do - it is the kind of site where someone might take you under their wing.

UK, Ireland / My dream about UK. Please help. [86]


?


I'm sorry ... but I guess you really don't understand, at all. I am coming from the position of a mother with a young daughter, and I took your first post seriously, but I'm afraid to say that reading what you go on to say, there are things that put me off.

I will try to give you more clear advice:

- If you want someone to have you to live in their house and look after their children, and for you to be a part of the family, and for you to improve your language, then you need to be thinking about the deal in terms as much about what you bring, as what you take. What I meant about the 'men' comments was that if I thought you were coming over as an available female, coming to live in my house with me and my husband, I would not like the idea of it. That is not me being insecure: that is a normal, and fairly sensible, female reaction. So all I meant was, that by putting yourself out there, you are putting off us potential female employers.

- By 'nightmare' I was obviously being too subtle. I didn't mean that the family would be a nightmare. I meant that a situation where the wife was annoyed and you were flirting with the husband would be a nightmare.

- Your changeability is also something not really great in terms of someone offering you a job/home.

In conclusion, the things you are saying here could be putting people off helping you. OK, so you might want Southern to show you the sights of London, but he isn't going to put you up (well, not for more than a night or so ; ) and pay you and give you what you said you wanted. To get offers from that 'nice' family you want, you might have to think a bit more about how you present yourself.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you just want a base from which to explore London, and life. Which is totally understandable. But then don't try to live with a family. Because you won't like it.

To get a room you will need as someone said, probably min. £400 pcm, and £400-800 deposit. Your best bet would be to get to know some Poles already in London, and they will for sure find you a room. You will then need to earn min. £1,000 a month or so to live, including paying your rent. You should bring min. £2,000 with you from Poland, I think, which will give you a month to find a job.

UK, Ireland / My dream about UK. Please help. [86]


Just to warn you - that single comment, although aimed at friend-recruitment, will put some women off ... because you sound like you are on the look-out, and it wouldn't be wise to take such a woman into one's house. (I wouldn't take me, if I were on the look-out ...)

Be careful about that. Living in someone's house might seem like a straightforward thing, but it often isn't. Even a 'nice' family can turn out to be a nightmare. And if you add the element of jealousy into the mix, well ... you might need to hide the knives at night.

Love / 6 months with my Polish girlfriend and I still don't understand her.. [208]


Polish women are generally fairly focused and self-sufficient. They have been brought up not to moan/sob/lay all their emotions at your feet and wait for you to scoop them up in your arms, dry their tears, tell them how lovely they are and that it will all be OK. I have seen families where if a child falls over and hurts itself, instead of being comforted, the child is smacked (while still wailing/bleeding/whatever) for having not taken care - having run too fast, having not looked out - and therefore having hurt itself. (I also have Polish friends who are horrified at this approach, but just to say, it is one common approach you will find - and that treatment of a child makes for pretty hard adults, I can tell you.).

If she is telling her friends she is happy, and if she is still with you, then stop worrying, and stop bothering her to tell you 'what she wants'. What does she want? Someone to love her, appreciate her, be with her, have sex with her, have fun with her, build a life with her, and occasionally honour her with, for example, a nice birthday present. You don't need to micro-manage her emotions - she will do this for herself, in private.

She is a very very different kettle of fish to us nitwits who were positively encouraged to say how we feel and be 110% honest at all times ... and that is something of the appeal for a lot of guys, I'd guess. That and the great bodies that most Polish women have.

The real gem is, of course, a woman like a couple of my Polish friends - one with a fine intelligence, warmth of heart, and balanced approach to life, along with a very light touch, and practically zero requirements in terms of emotional maintenance. She will tell you if she has a problem, and she will be hugely affectionate and share everything with you. And also get back her washer-board stomach within 3 days of giving birth. But that is the Holy Grail ... ; )

[And now I sound like I am discussing the characteristics of dog breeds, so I will stop] [Especially since if I run with that, the British women come out as tired spaniels on special offer ...]

Love / Prevention of child abduction by Polish mother. [232]


It is not disdain, but rather an awareness of a cultural difference that I think it would be useful if the poster were wise to. My English mother, had the father done nothing wrong, would counsel kindness, understanding, and, without even a question, reasonable access to the child and sharing of responsibilities. The Polish matriarchal clan (and that is why I mentioned the matriarchal element first) works on the unquestionable principle that men are generally superfluous to requirements, in all the key areas, and certainly when it comes to decision-making, and children. Men are looked after like children. Men are a responsibility in themselves. A woman cooks, washes and irons for the man and children. The deal is that the man goes out early, earns as much as he can, comes home for his dinner, (if he is appreciative of it, that's a bonus), and then rests, ready for the next day's work. On a Saturday he might have a few drinks, but better to keep him on a short rein and not let it get out of hand, because drunken men can be aggressive, and alcoholics don't generally earn as well as sober men.

And my feeling about the gathering of the female clan about the mother is that they were already only tolerating the relationship through willing (more or less) suspension of disbelief that it would work. So when it didn't work, the assumption that the child was the mother's property - almost booty from the relationship - would have been absolute.

It is this presumption of 'possession', and lack of any respect for the potential value of the father's role in the child's life, let alone any right either child or father might have to that relationship, that is at issue here. I think that is typical of the dominant-matriarch society. I wanted the poster to be aware of this, so he could steel himself and not get upset about it, but also not waste time thinking he could depend on some sort of moral fairness that just doesn't exist here. He needs to know what the rules are, and they are different to what he would generally find with a British woman ... I think.


Maybe it isn't - BUT, in that decision, there should be consideration for maintenance/development of the child's relationship with his or her father. That is what this question is all about.

Love / Prevention of child abduction by Polish mother. [232]

I would tell you, but no, not at all (although an amusing idea).

No. Yes, I am with a Polish guy. I have a child with him. He has other children as well.

The emotional heart/motivation for my comments is more, probably, my own astonishment at the Polish female character, as I continually observe it ... so I guess it struck a chord, and I felt a bit (a lot) sorry for the father posting here. And I am rather keen on the proper recognition of fathers, whatever their nationality. And I don't like the busy bossiness of some Polish mothers (sorry to all you perfectly nice ones out there!) ...

Love / Prevention of child abduction by Polish mother. [232]


Yes to the saving face. Face is very important. (Another branch of this is the 'never say sorry/thank you' doctrine which is practised by many - absolutely extraordinary - but that is another post ...).

The Polish grandmas: they are very very quick to turn. They will have been highly suspicious at the outset, of the taking of a foreign man. They will feel much more comfortable now that he is out of the way.

But ... I am not saying that the woman wanted this from the beginning. If so, why go for the English guy? No, I am not saying that this was some 'plot', planned and executed. Not at all. The romance and, to some degree, glamour of dating an English guy (is 'glamour' too strong a word?!) (the novelty value, then) ... all of that I would imagine definitely played a part. And maybe she enjoyed someone being so nice to her, and so easy to manipulate, for a while. But there came a point where this role-play just didn't work for her, and she couldn't be doing with it. And it is at this moment that he became nothing, and she just carried on regardless.

Do I feel sorry for her? No, and I doubt she feels sorry for herself. There is nothing to feel sorry for. She is ok. She is extraordinarily tough by British terms, but actually she is just a normal Polish gal getting on with it.


I'm afraid I think the possibility I have painted is most likely the norm, even if seemingly extreme ...


You're welcome, although I am very sorry for you that it is like that.


Thank you, too. I try. Well, in fact, I don't try: it all just comes out of my mouth. Can you even begin to imagine the havoc I cause among Polish society ... ; )

Oh and just have to comment on this:


(ran out of time)


This is such a subject ... vast ... and yes, a minefield ... and so difficult for a 'man' to comment, given the nature of the subject ... (an aside: don't you think there should be a mechanism whereby people could write papers, have their voice, etc, without declaring their sex?) ... (that would be true equality ; ) ... but:

The point about Polish women is that they have, in general, had a very different programming re: what a woman is. The US/Western machine turns us out as victims before we've even started, whereas the Polish system (propulgated by grandmas over many a cup of crazily strong coffee) produces women equally convinced of their rightness, but through bullishness and being the dominant one. Taking no prisoners. Western women take prisoners and then feel bad about it and aren't quite sure what to do - make the prisoner a cup of tea - give him a blowjob - and then call the Police ...

That is why I have always refused to label myself a woman. I realised from my teenage years that the term had very mixed connotations. I am simply myself. : )

Love / Prevention of child abduction by Polish mother. [232]

OK ... the first thing you have to do is: forget ALL of your (our) English understanding of children's rights, rights of the father, right of the child to have contact with the father, the father's family (grandparents, for example), etc. etc. etc.

This is a different ball game now, and I think what you probably really need from this site is some setting out of the rules so you know at least what game you are trying to play. (I know: English response: 'But it is not a game ... I want to be utterly fair ... this is my child's life ... but I also respect the mother's right to a happy life ... I just want my child to have access to the loving support of both sides of her family ...' - FORGET IT - that will not wash here - that will just been seen as weakness on your part ... more of which later.)

It is a different ball game, and frankly it is hard-ball now.

Point no. 1: Poland is a matriarchal society. Don't even think of underestimating what that means.

Point no. 2: Following on, what the lady wants, the lady either gets the easy way, or the hard way, but she ALWAYS gets it. (trust me ... I have been an undercover anthropologist surviving on berries in this Polish-English jungle for some years now ...)

3: Do not even begin to expect any kind of decency, or 'normal' reactions from your Polish baby-mama. I can tell you now what she is saying and planning:

- You are either a waste of space, or a bastard, or both. She may elaborate on this with tales of beating, etc. - I don't know - maybe you ARE a bastard - you haven't said why you aren't together - but I imagine it was more along the lines of you loved her, she appeared to love you, she had the baby, she ditched you for no solid reason ...

- The only sensible thing that a self-respecting mother could do would be to make her own way in life.
- She doesn't want or need your help, thank you very much. She has a lovely baby, and her life planned out. Back to Poland. Back to her family. A new guy (or an old one resurfaced.) No you. Ever.

The clans will gather around her. Beaux will surface (if one hasn't already - I very much doubt she sleeps alone). The baby will be at the heart of the family. Her new accessory. She will parade proudly and show off her mothering skills. Everyone will say what a beautiful baby. Nobody will EVER mention you, apart from when she signals the ok to lay into you - in which case, you will be reviled for one reason or another, and the great sensibleness of having got rid of you be vaunted.

4. Nobody will EVER even suggest, let alone think, that the baby lacks anything in its life by not having you there. The baby came from the woman. It is her possession. In her arms. You are entirely superfluous to requirements now.

I am really sorry to say all this. It is so hard for us to understand and accept. And of course, you don't and shouldn't accept it, and you must challenge it and must use all the rigours of the law to make sure that you have a place in your child's life. You sound a decent guy, and I am sure you will be sensitive to the child's happiness, and not forcing the issue ... but if you honestly haven't done anything horrible or antisocial to cause the break up, and it's just that she doesn't want you, then of course she has no right to speak for your child as well.

It sounds like you are doing the best thing. And I think the sanest way to go about it is to try not to engage emotionally (well, obviously very hard not to, but you will achieve more, and lose less years off your life, if you try to focus and be calm - in the way, I am sure, she is being). You need to get the DNA test. You need to establish paternity, and have it on a piece of paper. You need then simply to go to court and apply for access to your child. You will get it, without doubt. If she goes to Poland, go as well. Get it through the courts in Poland. Do NOT let her take your child away from its father.

Of course, it's always better to agree out of court - but trust me, if the roles were even a tiny bit reversed, she would be down the court like lightning. She will have absolute conviction that she is in the right - remember that. That is why I say you can't even begin to engage with this emotionally, because you will be breathless with outrage before you've even started.

Plod calmly and unemotionally through the courts. It will cost. Time, money and stress. But you will get there. I really don't think she should be allowed to get away with this.

And be very careful that you don't do anything, or give anyone any information, that could be used against you. You can't really trust any mutual friends. They will swear blind not to tell, etc etc, and then will be texting her in the loo while still at your house. Trust me also on this. It is that bad.

My wider theory is that this and other behaviours have a significant root in the pressure of living in times of war. Neighbour sells neighbour. Everything is weighed up in terms of the bottom line. Action is decisive. There is no regret, and no conscience.

Very best of luck to you. This is why we have courts. Use them.

ps
Oh, and about niceness being weakness ...

The strongest wins. The strongest is the one who uses everything to their advantage, who hits below the belt without hesitancy, and who sleeps well at night, in the comfortable conviction of their absolute right.

You feel you should rise to the challenge, and be the best of yourself. The English way to do this is to be particularly understanding, fair, and forgiving. It is to give the benefit of the doubt. It is - and I am not a practiser of any religion, by the way - but it is a genuinely Christian approach.

This will be seen by her as laughable weakness, and an open invitation to trample even more firmly over your requests and propositions.

So don't be upset by that. It's just the way it is.