Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Not again......

Woohoo - we've been given the Order of the Sticky.

Who cares if Szarlotka lost a few posts from the spring clean of the OT Lounge.

Stickiness rules...

I feel inspired to writes some more inane dross now.

Life / Drinking games in Poland [44]

LOl - When I was in Poland we introduced our new friend to the game of Fizz Buzz which, for those of you not in the know, is a simple counting game with substitution of any number with a five in it as Fizz and any number with a7 in it as Buzz. Buzz reverses the order. It was really funny until they decided that we should use Polish numbers.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Thank you all for the kind comments. Honesty forces me to admit that most of the credit for last night's post should be given to Mr Arthur Guinness.

Life and Guinness - the only stimulants a man needs.

Szarlotka has very bad man flu this week and is not up to writing the Omnibus Edition. Normal service may be resumed next week. Or there again it may not.

Travel / Driving to Poland from England - any tips? [264]

I have driven a few times from England (Beford area) to Warsaw in the past. In total it was about 1800 Km and a total driving time of about 20 hours. You can use the michelin web site to get a route planner off. Ferry prices will vary considerably on the time of year you go and how far in advance you can book.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Proszę

Orientation Class

OK class, settle down now. Welcome to the PF orientation class. My name is Mr Szarlotka. You may also address me as Pan Pie. No Patrycja19, you may not shorten that to PP. Stop giggling at the back.

Now for many of you, this is your first experience of big school. We know and understand that coming to big school can often be a strange and at times unsettling experience. The purpose of this lesson is to introduce all you new boys and girls to some of the senior staff and prefects here at PF and to introduce the small number of rules concerning behaviour and dress that we all have to adhere to ensure the smooth operation of PF. Yes Wispi, what do you want? No you may not move to sit next to AvJoeUK. Please remain in your seat.

Now, I shall begin by introducing the senior staff to you. Wroclaw Boy, I will not tell you again. Please remove the headlock from MareGaea and return to your seat immediately. M-G your face has turned blue. You have my permission to go to the rest room to tidy yourself up and stop the bleeding. Now where was I? Oh yes, the senior staff.

Our head master is Mr Admin. It is unlikely that you will meet him personally. In fact none of us has. His office is at the end of the corridor in Block C. When walking in that corridor please keep the noise down and for goodness sake, if he does leave the office, at no times may you smile in his presence. Mr Admin likes to run a tight ship. His main influence on the running of PF is to change the décor around big school. Should you come in one day to find our colour schemes completely different you will have witnessed one of his masterful acts. Also, Mr Admin is ultimately responsible for discipline here at big school although on a day to day basis he delegates this to one of his three trusty lieutenants. Collectively known as the moderators, these three hard working members of staff are here to help us all. You are most likely to come into contact with either Zgubiony or PolskaDoll. The former is a genial New Yorker with deep love of all things Polish, snowboarding and beer. Don’t let the genial exterior fool you though class. No messing with this man. Wildrover, I’ve told you before not to bring your Harley into class. Now you’ve got grease all over Daisy’s new outfit. Be a good boy and wheel it outside now will you. Daisy you are excused.

Most of you who are based on this side of the Atlantic will come into contact with PolskaDoll. If you step out of line you can expect to be given lines by PD or for persistent offences you will be put in detention after school. What is going on back there? What are you boys doing? Sit down now. Ah I see. Babi, that’s a very nice dress dear but I think something slightly less revealing might be more appropriate at school, don’t you. Oh for pity’s sake Torando2007 will you please stop drooling. You’ve ruined Crow’s packed lunch. No Crow, it wasn’t an act of naked aggression on Slavs. No you may not refer him to the United Nations. No Tornado2007 did not bomb your house last week and I’m sure he has no intention of bombing it this week either. Stop sulking Babi.

Now then, the last moderator is Mr Daffy. You will not see him much as he has been granted sabbatical leave to do four PhDs, an MBA and redesign the space shuttle. Should he put in an appearance you will find that he spends most of his time disciplining Espana. No Espana, you are not being picked on. You may not sue us. When you are a naughty boy Mr Daffy tells you and that is all. Would you please stop pulling Lady-in-Red’s pigtails. She was not being nasty towards you. Settle down class, please. Anyway, as I was saying Mr Daffy should be all but invisible to you.

As a result of new Government guidelines on class sizes, all 6,000 of you are allocated to one of those three staff. There are no other full time staff members. The Government insists that they should be supported by a myriad of teaching assistants. Mr Admin, however, believes that teaching assistants do not deliver value for money. Instead he espouses the use of your peers acting as prefects. Yes you can come back in M-G. Put the knife down boy. It’s probably better that you sit up the front away from Wroclaw Boy. There’s a space there next to Puzzler. Puzzler please stop doing that with the scissors. You’re making M-G nervous. As I was saying we have many prefects that you should know about.

This year’s head boy is Bubbawoo. He is currently playing truant. Something about education being a waste of space when you can buy Sopot for peanuts. Nevertheless he is a senior figure here at big school and should be afforded the requisite respect at all times. Sometimes you may find his colourful language disconcerting but just give it back to him full tilt and you should be fine. Shelley & Sapphire would you mind putting that magazine down. I don’t care how drop dead gorgeous the young men are – you’re giving Poison and Arien an inferiority complex. PolishgirlTX, for the last time girl ipods are not allowed in class. No even when it’s the Killers. Music is for home only. Yes Shopgirl I am a Pisces. Why do you want to know? I don’t need a horoscope just now. What do you mean typical short fuse? I have not got a short temper Shopgirl. Please shut up now.

The head girl this year is Krysia. If you are an animal lover then you should get on with her like a house on fire. She does like to play tricks on people so watch out for that. If you find yourself being sent on strange errands by the head girl there is a good chance that one of the junior prefects is videoing your embarrassment and that in minutes it will be on Youtube. Yes I know you like Youtube PolishgirlTX. No we can’t have access allowed from the school’s computers. For goodness sake Sledz beer is not allowed in school, pour it down the sink now please. I said down the sink not over Outintheyard. Outintheyard, go clean yourself up and take those pigs with you will you. You really should leave them back on the farm you know. Oh and while you’re out there find out where Daisy has gone. Sledz do you have more beer in your desk? I thought so – give it here. You can pick it up after detention this evening.

Head of Prefects this year is Gzregorz. Yes noimmigration he is Polish, does this cause you a problem? It does? Tough luck boy. Now I would like to point out that although he may have had one or two problems with authority over recent months and years, Gzregorz is the epitomy of poacher turned gamekeeper. He will tolerate no unruly behaviour in big school and is a strict disciplinarian. His cuddly appearance hides a will of iron. No Bratwurst Boy he does not have a problem with Germans at all. He treats everybody equally unfairly. No really Bratwurst Boy, you will not be picked upon for being German. Trust me you will be safe.

Deputy head of Prefects this year is Osiol. This is one figure of authority you will be able to spot immediately, what with him being dressed as a donkey and all. Osiol is our most dedicated prefect. He patrols the grounds at all hours of the day and night and is always on hand for a friendly chat to those of you missing home or having problems with your toaster. Osiol also knows the answers to almost every question in the world so is a useful point of reference for settling pub bets. Wildrover – would you turn that mobile phone off in class please. I don’t care if this is THE call, turn it off this instant. She’ll call you later if it’s important. Stop blubbing man.

Now pupils, there are many other important prefects in big school. You will get to know them gradually over time. Many of them are Polish. Lots of them are American or Canadian. There are even some Australians amongst them. No Sofi we don’t need you to write a poem about them all. No, not even a verse. It’s a very kind offer though. Shawn H, I’m sure that Mufasa doesn’t really want to see that mouse. Yes I know it’s a nice mouse. There, you can come down now Mufasa, the mouse has gone.

The end of period is fast approaching so before the bell goes I would like to provide you with a few things to watch out for out in the playground. Firstly, beware of Michal offering to do your homework for you. His fees are very steep and sometimes his translation is not the best. So, if you have any language assignments best give him a miss. Yes I know you know that already JustyiaS. What’s that in English? That’s really not very ladylike is it JustyiaS? What are you going to do with that shoe? It’s probably not a good idea to have some of the Americans do your geography homework. Avoid RockyMason in particular. Ah, you’ve woken up Rocky. Have you brought those plants in for show and tell? How nice, but they don’t look like tomato plants to me Rocky. What’s that funny smell? Oh and finally don’t trust your history homework to anybody in school. Ask one question and you’ll get 20 different answers.

Miranda, why has Southern collapsed on the desk? You say that large heavy psychology text book just fell off the shelf behind and hit him. A likely tale. Never mind, let sleeping dogs lie. Wroclaw and DavidPeake put out that fire over there. I don’t care that you were allowed to have a barbie in the last school. This is big school now.

A bell sounds in the distance

Walk children. No running in class. Lukasz bring my zimmer frame back at once.

The camera pans slowly across the classroom. Szarlotka sits head in hands looking completely drained. In front of him there are scenes of utter carnage. Michal lies on the floor, blood trickling from the pointy shoe embedded in his right temple. At the rear of the classroom, M-G and Wroclaw Boy lie lifelessly beneath a pile of broken desks. Isthatu looks over them searching for more war mementos. At the far end of the room, Crow is redrawing the map of Europe in vivid colours, humming tunelessly to himself.

The phone on Szarlotka’s desk rings.

Yes this is he Head Master. It finished a few minutes ago. Yes, I think it went very well Head master. No, nothing to worry about head Master. Well, apart from I think we’ve lost Daisy and Lady-in-Red is suing us for loss of pigtails. Yes, just a normal day really. Oh and I really like the green colour scheme Head Master. You too head Master. Enjoy the golf tomorrow.

(Ed - Szar where is the freakin' Omnibus Edition. You aren't paid for this crap. Ten minutes is all you've got)

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

A very hearty welcome to you all from a beleaguered United Kingdom. We here are in the depths of a financial crisis. It is virtually impossible to get a mortgage and those that have wish they hadn’t, energy bills are going through the roof (Ed – insulate your loft then), food prices are rising since the Chinese have decided to eat a bit more and our Budget has upped the costs of most pleasures in life – beer, wine, spirits, methyllated spirits, tobacco and motoring. So far sex has avoided a new tax but it won’t be long. We’ve had the poll tax, the bonk tax must be close. Obviously the recording of said activity will be captured by the CCTV network that now has an average of 300 cameras on every street in the nation. However, the Spirit of the Blitz is strong within us Brits. There is always a silver lining. In this case it is the return of the Omnibus Edition – the most fun you can have with a wifi connection.

Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.

Did you miss us, Yeah, while we was away,
did you hang our picture on your wall
Did you kiss us, Yeah, every single day,
although you couldn't kiss us at all.

Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.

(Ed – FFS Szarlotka cut out the Gary Glitter lyrics, I’ve got dinner with the Vietnamese ambassador tonight)

So where do we begin, to tell the story of a million useless posts, the thousand jokes that are older than the hills. Where do we begin?

Incoming

Let’s start with the outbreak of small arms fire that has occurred. Look, in the old days it was easy to spot the conflicts, crushes, shy little approaches and full blown relationships between PF members. Largely they were binary in nature. A hated B. C was in love with D. Lately it has got far more complex. A may hate B but because B hates C and is in a relationship (cyber or otherwise) with D who is actually married to E’s brother then F wades in to attack A who it turns out once went out with someone who used to date B and so on and so forth. Cut it out and declare allegiances overtly now we say. It’s all got a bit personal lately. We are at a loss to know who to side with any more. The only common factor appears to be that Michal has wound up virtually everybody with his knowledge of Polish that it would seem is like Jeffery Chaucer professing to be an expert on current day Brixton street talk. Several suspensions have been imposed by Admin who has now issued more red cards than Graham Poll (USA note – he was a slightly over zealous football referee). Lukasz was one such victim. This is the same poor soul whose house was to be occupied by the Russians, well ConstantinK at least.

21 Gun Salute

On a more optimistic note, We would like to point out that the US military does not currently have a five star general whereas PF has four of the little devils. Take a bow Krysia, Bubbawoo, Gzregorz and Osiol for wasting their lives to such an extent that they have racked up over 5,000 posts. Obviously the strain of this has got to some of them. Bubba’s gone missing and the big white cuddly dog launched into a tirade against us Brits after one glass too many of the local brew out there in PL. To be fair to the doggie he apologised and got the thread removed. It is a big man who can say sorry which is why Szarlotka apologises for calling him Marmite Man. Truce?

Traitors

Several posts in this vein. One hypothesises that you are a traitor to England if you don’t date English girls. We don’t see the logic in this really - but chaps, to be on the safe side, if you are going out with a Polish lovely get an English girl on the side too. Another has JustyiaS claiming to be a traitor to Poland for talking common sense. I’m sorry girl – for talking common sense you are only a traitor if you’re a politician.

Victoria Coach Station and Stansted Airport in Overcrowding Shock

Reports are reaching us that the aforementioned termini are being overrun with a huge influx of Poles fleeing the economic and cultural desert that is England. The plunging pound and having to listen to the likes of noimmigration have apparently convinced millions of Poles to up sticks and go home, or at least somewhere where 100Zl can buy a pint. If these reports are true what are we to do with all the bottles of Lech and what will become of the businesses that have sprung up to write love letters for the wobbly legged and love struck Waynes of this world? Stay please.

It ain’t what you say it’s the way you show it.

There was a dizzy spell of Admin showing off his new CMS (Content management System for you non technco nerds out there. On an almost hourly basis the format of the pages on PF changed. Never have so many posts littered a single thread so quickly. People needed counselling. Fights broke out between those who liked avatars on the right and those to whom this was heresy. Osiol got confused and was looking in all directions, at one time peering up places where he shouldn’t have been. We think he was slapped a couple of times. For the first time in living memory Admin bowed to customer pressure and backed off some of the wackier ideas. Well with over 6,000 customers he would have been a brave man not to have. Our view is that change is an inevitable but painful fact of life that is best felt by others.

Are you going to San Francisco?

To be honest – no. There is slight chance that we might bump into RockyM and quite frankly, we would rather not.

The Conclusion

Well, that’s about it for now. We have to ease ourselves back into this slowly. We have several new researchers who have let us down but spending a bit too much time on the face to face interviews with Polish girls and not enough time reading PF. Since Szarlotka is now moving upstairs to take on a new executive role (Ed – executive washroom cleaning role you mean) we are a little light on content. But hey, admit it – it’s still better than some of the stuff on here right?

Take care out there people

UK, Ireland / Time for the Poles from the UK to go home [437]

If Polish people leave the UK it is for one of two reasons:

Look at the Exchange rates (£1=4.49ZL and £1=1.27Euros). It may be financially more beneficial for them to work elsewhere in the EU now that the limitations on A8 citizens working in EU countries other than the UK and Ireland are being relaxed.

The second reason is much more sinister. There is a new category of UK citizen who will be fighting for the jobs that all categories of Polish workers have made their own. No not the workshy chav but the banker. (the b and w are interchangeable). Following the melt down of the world's financial markets we now have hoards of them wandering around. Obviously the Polish have an advantage in that most of them are better educated and have a strong grasp on reality. But do not underestimate the banker's ability to use incomprehensible language and charm birds down from the trees.

Have you lost your job to an out of work banker. If so contact honest John c/o the Daily Muckraker.

News / Polish Immigrants Leave America for Europe [210]


It's improved some over the early days (You know I like to exagerrate a bit) and the cash is doled out on projects improving the environment etc but many farmers still milk it (groan) for all its worth. Last time I looked the CAP accouinted for about 40% of the total EU budget so megaeuros involved.

News / Polish Immigrants Leave America for Europe [210]


In a nutshell - subsidise the least efficient farming practices at the expense of the efficient ones, pay farmers vast sums of money for producing crops that nobody wants that can either rot or be given away to the third world and generally screw the free market. Originally it was designed to protect the interests of French peasant (small) farmers but tends to keep all small inefficient farmers very happy nowadays

News / Polish Immigrants Leave America for Europe [210]


Careful... I might start thinking about the EU Common Agricultural Policy and do myself an injury

UK, Ireland / Polish immigration in UK [491]


Nah. England is ruled by the Scots (Gordon is a moron), and the Royal family are German/Greek ancestry.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Sunday evening (GMT)


Channel No 5

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Coming soon - the Official Szarlotkas Award Ceremony (Screenwriters strike permitting)

UK, Ireland / A collection of noimmigration's threads or "STAY AWAY from BRITAIN" [978]


Sz oinks encouragingly.

UK, Ireland / A collection of noimmigration's threads or "STAY AWAY from BRITAIN" [978]

Fine - start a political party that will take us out of the EU, win a democratic election and then implement your policy. Since we are n the EU then I suggest there is naff all yoiu can do about it by bleating about it on here.

Don't you just love freedom of speech and democracy in action.

UK, Ireland / A collection of noimmigration's threads or "STAY AWAY from BRITAIN" [978]


And pigs are flying past my window...

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

.... and with the help of speech recognition software.....

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Welcome to another edition of the world famous 'Polish Forums Omnibus Edition'. As our regular reader has pointed out in no uncertain terms, there has been a wee break in our scribblings of late. The team have been out taking advantage of some good early snow conditions in Europe to get some skiing in. Obviously they could have taken time out to keep up the good work but decided to keep on skiing and eating and drinking and eating and skiing and drinking instead (Ed - no copy no pay boys). As a consequence we are at a loss on how to start this week. Do we go back over the last three weeks for continuity? Do we just summarise the last week? Do we just write any old crap? (Ed - as per the norm). Our instincts tell us to just pick out a few tasty morsels. More finger buffet than formal feast.

New Year, new liver

Several people have been looking for tips on the best place to be in Poland to see in the New Year in the most hedonistic way imaginable. One obviously confused individual could not even make up his mind which town or city to be in let alone which club. Some way to go for him we think. For what it's worth Szarlotka offers the benefit of his many years and experience in seeing in the New Year - find out where the local 'entrepreneurs' are going to be and tag along. By entrepreneurs we obviously mean those gentlemen who have many minders and many blondes in tow. You know the sort - Armani this, Hugo Boss that, Gucci nose hair removers. As long as you behave yourself you will have a ball. A good trick is to offer to clear their tables of the bottle of Crystal Champagne. There is always a few inches of the bubbly left in each bottle. Just don't offer to dance with their 'nieces'. Kneecaps are precious things.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

The worldwide weather forecasts have been pouring in. It's dumping snow everywhere it would seem. Well apart from Texas where, according to PolishgirlTX, it's 47 degrees. Never mind, get that snowboard out on the Dunes and get a tan at the same time. Mysteriously it would appear that there is no snow in Warsaw which is irritating Mufasa no end. This is another example of the problems with capital cities in our view. All that hot air from politicians means the snow has no chance to settle. Check it out - London only has snow when Parliament is in recess. Not only do they tax us to death, they stop us getting the white stuff.

Simply the best

The most beautiful, vibrant and cosmopolitan city in Poland is Wroclaw. Not our claim but there appears to be a groundswell of support for the Old Lady of the Odra. Nice to see provincial rivalries are thriving out in Poland. The Krakow Crew had their say. Interesting that nobody voted for Warsaw, even with the proposed new mega skyscraper. To be honest this whole debate is a futile academic exercise. Everyone knows deep in their hearts that only possible winner for the title is actually Liverpool. The docks, the row upon row of quaint terraced houses, the Cathedrals, Speke, John Lennon Airport, Toxteth, Croxteth, Kirby, The clear running waters of the Mersey..... Liverpool has it all. Pony trekking and camping.... (Ed - that's Finland you wally)

Are you a dog person or a cat person?

A lively debate on this thread that almost stayed on topic for the first couple of pages. The crux of the debate seemed to come down to two simple themes. Firstly, cats are for women and dogs are for men. Secondly, if you are a man and you like cats you are either severely mentally impaired or just a little bit 'pink' shall we say. Actually the first of these is actually true in the Szarlotka household. Sz had the faithful Labrador Freddie and Mrs Sz had three cats. All was well in the house until Freddie passed on to grace the lampposts in the sky. Now the three cats rule the house. As an academic exercise Sz has taken to trying to train the cats. The picture below shows the results of teaching the white one to play dead. Who says cats can't be tamed heh?

Lviv Love In

Opinions seem divided as to whether The Poles and Ukranians love each other or hate each other's guts. Apparently they both did unspeakably nasty things to each other. Mind you that was all in the past. To us they seem pretty friendly towards each other these days. They seem pretty too. The remarkable thing about this thread was the sight of the big white cuddly dog in the role of the balanced, reasonable peace maker. Perhaps he is really going for that Nobel Peace Prize. Or maybe it's just that Christmas festive spirit - peace on earth and goodwill to all men (even Germans?).

And the worst thing in Poland is........

There were lots of bad things put forward - queues, ZUS, politicians.... Our favourite has to be strawberry scented loo paper. What good is that then? Next thing you know they'll be having soft loo rolls. In my day you were lucky to get a Dock leaf. Another example of the World going soft. Nothing character forming about scented sanitary ware.

And finally:

Under normal circumstances modesty would forbid us including the following item (Ed - modesty? Don't make me laugh) but because the Edition is looking a little bit 404 (Content not found) we have no hesitation in including a few reviews of this column from the National press.

The Omnibus Edition transports us back in time to a gentler age. An age of chivalry, of good manners, of tiffin on the rolling lawns of our embassies around the world. It evokes memories of long hot summers and of cricket on the village green.The Daily Telegraph

The Omnibus Edition is a national disgrace. Rather than writing about Poland Mr Szarlotka should turn his meagre talents to documenting the crumbling of our way of life. It's Poland this and Poland that. It won't be long before we Brits are in a minority. There are 29,000 Polish babies born every day in Coventry alone. Enough is enough.The Daily Mail.

Mr Szarlotka deftly illustrates the need for the proletariat to be on their guard against a resurgence of the capitalist exploitation of the common man.The Daily Mirror

Bear eaten alive by Lapdancer. The Sun

There was also a review by the Spectator but none of us could understand a word of it.

Hvae a good Christmas and New Year everybody.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


The crown has passed.

Given a choice between skiing and writing an Omnibus guess what won.

Just talk amongst yourselves.......

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Omnibus Edition 6

From the various weather reports submitted from around the Northern hemisphere in recent hours it would appear that everywhere is cold, damp, windy and grey. The snow in Krakow is getting so bad Dtaylor has started an on line petition to God to stop it so he can stay on his feet. To us that is overkill – simply buy some cross country skis and get on with it man. It’s probably wonderfully sunny in Australia but that is a fat lot of use to us up here. So the best thing to do is add another log to the fire, refill the glass of single malt and settle down to read the Omnibus edition. This is guaranteed to bring a warm glow to your heart (Ed – the Scotch might but I have my doubts about the column).

We are happy to report that PF goes from strength to strength. There are new members popping up from all around the world. China seems to be particularly well represented of late. Well there are a lot of Chinese so statistically speaking this is probably not that significant. (Ed – stop the waffle and get reporting Sz)

Mufasa – the mystery deepens.

What is going on over in Warsaw? Not content with sparking a debate on what this Forum is really about, Mufasa now wants to know whether we are in fact a newspaper. Most people seem to agree that we are not a newspaper but if we were we would not be the Daily Mail. Having left us on tenterhooks as to what she is up to, Mufasa popped off to Krakow for a few days. It’s like one of those TV game shows which leaves you guessing whether George from Hemel Hempstead has won the million pounds until next week’s show as the end of programme buzzer goes off. Let’s hope the wait is worth it.

Focus, Focus, Focus.

We vaguely recall reading a management text book a few years back that analysed what makes a successful businessman or woman. The ability to focus effectively came high up on the list of attributes of the mega successful. Therefore we here are in no doubt that Southern must be the most successful person in the world at whatever it is he does for a living. Whatever the thread topic is – relationships, recipes, current affairs, music, fashion, job seeking etc – Southern manages to turn it around to girls. Since his return he now manages to find a You Tube video to accompany every post too. We’ve had Polish lovelies, Ukrainian lovelies, Serbian lovelies – you name it we’ve seen their legs. Such dedication to his cause is remarkable. Somewhere in this mad, mad world there must be a suitable award that we can put him up for.

Tales of the unencrypted.

The biggest news from the UK this week was the loss of the personal and banking details of up to 25 million UK citizens. To cut costs the data was sent by ordinary post on a couple of CDs and only protected by a simple password that most hackers can crack in less than 5 seconds. Encryption would have cost £50 more so they didn’t do it. This is an absolute scandal in our view. Interestingly it was only the Brits who were up in arms about this. No Polish commentary at all was forthcoming. This is interesting since the data was for child benefit claimants so there will be Polish names on that list. The good news is that whoever has the disks will take one look at the Polish names and automatically assume that those records are encrypted and pass over to steal the identity of all the Jones and Smiths instead. As an aside, Szarlotka read the Daily Mail for the first time in 10 years or so today. Someone had left a copy of it on the train this morning. The low key headline was “Polish Baby Boom”. Now we all know that the Mail doesn’t like to have the facts interfere with its reporting but if their story about Poles in the UK having lots of babies is, by a miracle, true then it would disprove one of their other beefs about Poles not integrating. Judging by the baby count quoted they are integrating far too often!

Gobble, gobble, bang, bang.

That got your attention – go on admit it. It was Thanksgiving this week over the pond. The time when family and friends gather together and turkeys get nervous. There were many posts about how our US members were going to spend Thanksgiving but precious few posts about how they got on. Is the party still going on then guys? It’s so close to Christmas there doesn’t seem that much point in going back to work (Ed – that’s Italy). Bubbawoo made the mistake of going to the American Sales the day after and was pushed out of the queue for a laptop by an 87 year old, one legged woman. At some stage we Brits are going to have to reconsider our policy viz a viz queuing.

And so the end is nigh…

Well it was for the England football team who spectacularly blew their chance of qualifying for Euro2008 by losing To Croatia at Wembley. It may have helped if the pitch had not resembled my back garden after the last monsoon but hey, the arena is fantastic and we didn’t have the budget to get the grass bit right as well. Actually it had been cut up during the ‘token’ NFL game a few weeks back. Nevertheless I think Croatia would have won if we had played them on Bournemouth Beach instead. Nice to see that normal order has returned and the Scots got the jokes in quickly. For a nasty moment we could foresee Scots and English being nice to each other. The really bad news is that following Scott Carson’s howler, Szarlotka had had to bin his compendium of Scottish goalkeeping jokes. Poland deservedly won their group and has been officially appointed as the Szarlotka team to follow next year. Just to complete a miserable week football wise England drew Croatia again, this time in World Cup 2010 qualifying.

What’s in your garden?

Apparently this should read what’s not in your garden. Some of you lot have some very strange thinks outside the back door. Our favourite was the old Land Rover. Osiol has started a global conflict by promoting the use of Leylandii hedging to stir up fights with the neighbours.

Do you come from the land down under?

It’s high time we said hallo to all our antipodean members. G’day. No doubt you won’t have time to read this anyway, what with all the barbies and 23 hour a day sports activities. Nice to see that the contributions from down under are on the increase. Mind you half of those probably come from Aussies/Kiwis living in London anyway. We are convinced that South Kensington is in fact the third largest Australian city.

Beyond the froth

This place is, as we are sure you all agree, a lot of fun and useful in many different ways. The good humour and general banter is a joy to behold at times. In itself this would make it a good place to visit but when you add in its ability to inform it’s no wonder so many of us come here regularly. The thread concerning deportation of Poles to Siberia and some of the posts on the thread concerning Polish Jews changing their names are two examples where we, at least, have learnt more about Poland. There are many others. Thanks to those of you who take the time to discuss significant events in such detail (Ed – big creep Szarlotka)

Music is my first love…

Well another week of favourite music has revealed that the PF members have an eclectic musical taste (Ed – you just wanted to use the work eclectic). This week also surprised Szarlotka by revealing the Disco Polo collection. He is not too proud to admit that he knew nothing of its existence. Having heard some samples now he wished it had stayed that way.

Veni, vidi, visa (I came, I saw, I shopped)

If you cannot recall a thread about shopping this week, don’t worry – you are not going mad as there isn’t one. This is just Szarlotka musing about how women manage to shop so much. Is retail therapy better than psychoanalysis? Why do women need so many shoes? How long is a fashion season exactly? Is it measured in months or days? Why is the male rarely invited along to shop? Why, when we are invited, is our opinion sought but then ignored? Is there an internet guide to understanding the whole women and shopping thing? Answers on a postcard please.

Over and out…

Yes that’s it for this week. The Thanksgiving thing has cut down on activity we think. It was nice to see a few people returning again this week. Weclome back. Nice to have all you newbies here too.

Here in the Editorial Office we are turning our attention to the Christmas Omnibus Edition. This will include the inaugural presentation of the annual Szarlotka awards for outstanding, bizarre, outrageous, humorous, courageous and deeply unfathomable contributions to PF (Ed – we need to find some judges down the pub later) It will also include free:

• Crackers (Southern can pull a few for us)
• Turkey (we know who you are)
• Mincey Pies (Ed - careful)
• Nuts (in plentiful supply)
• Paper hats
• Cheese (yummy, cheese)

Something to look forward to then. But for now – au revoir.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

It's a bit quiet on here today which is a bad thing and a good thing. Bad that the usual levels of fun filled debate and ranting are not here but good because I won't have to spend too much time writing Omnibus issue 6.

Give me copy people!

UK, Ireland / Polish immigration in UK [491]


Precisely - sums it up well

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Strike? - Je ne suis pas Francais

Given a choice between skiing and reading and critiquing PF I think I'm going to choose skiing. Instead of the Omnibus I'm going to start the alternative Argentinian snow report - complete with pictures....

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


That may be the last one. It's a bit like my dinner in that it's fast approaching its sell by date.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Welcome to the fifth edition of the Omnibus. To be honest it has been difficult to write anything this week. No, it’s not more writers block. Rather Szarlotka is losing the will to live let alone the will to post on PF. Reading some of the bile and general garbage that has made it through the sanity filters this week has been a distressing task. We are truly suffering for our art this week. Where do all these eejits come from? Is there a training school for Trolls deep in the jungle somewhere? If so we think the Special Forces should be despatched to guide in the bombers.

We’re football crazy, we’re football mad.

Well the good news was obviously Poland getting through to the Euro2008 finals. No doubt there were a few sore heads the next day out there in Poland. Sadly, Scotland were eliminated by the Italians – with a little help from a very short sighted Spanish linesman. (Ed – lying git – you were celebrating when Italy scored). England were handed a massive reprieve by an Israeli reserve team with an average age of 13. No doubt Slavic pride will kick in and Croatia will beat England and let Russia in. Just joking – Stevie Gerrard is going to see us through. Not that we deserve it but life is unfair. If it wasn’t then Szarlotka would look like Brad Pitt, sing like Pavarotti, play golf like Tiger Woods and not to have to work anymore.

Chicago, Chicago it’s a hell of a town.

Diaries have been synchronised, Sledz has the beer on tap and the next big PF meet up (US branch) is on. As we write the Bubbawoo is somewhere above the Atlantic en route to the US of A. No doubt he will re-lease the aircraft, change the flight crew and restructure the Airline before passing Iceland. We here will raise a glass at the appropriate time to another successful meet. Obviously we should be looking to hold meet ups in Poland, Ireland and the UK. However, the UK one could be a problem because the general consensus of the Forum would appear to be that the Brits are incapable of organising anything, even a p*ss up in a brewery. Speaking as someone who once dated the daughter of a brewery owner Szarlotka would dispute that. (Ed – love at first sip eh?)

Poland in mass Brit immigration shock.

News broke that Poland has suffered a traumatic and potentially disastrous British invasion. It transpires that the new Polish Finance Minister is a Brit of Polish extraction. We may well have 700,000 Poles over here but it strikes us that Poland has come off worse. The cultural shock is of a seismic nature. Get used to sound bites, unimplementable policies and general charm offensives.

The Mounties always get their man (even if it’s the wrong one).

The tragic case of the visitor from Poland who died as a result of the RCMP using a Tazer on him has been prominent this week. The reports of his memorial service in Canada were very moving. It beggars belief that this could have happened.

At a personal level Szarlotka is worried since Mrs Sz I, as we write, is in Vancouver visiting (i.e. bailing out again) the eldest mini Szarlotka. He is not too concerned for her safety rather that of the RCMP if they attempt to mess with Mrs Sz. Talking of Vancouver, we have not heard from Decorator much since he arrived there. Obviously he must be having too good a time to talk to us. Either that or he is living rough on Granville Street.

PhD Anybody?

Mufasa has launched a thread to find out what we would describe PF as being. Mysteriously she is not coming clean as to why she needs our views. Further she is refusing to tell us her views or what the purpose of her research is. We are left to surmise that Mufasa is obviously writing a PhD thesis on the socio-economic impact of Internet Forums and in a fiendish twist is getting us to write it for her. The more of you who join in the sooner we get to know her intent.

Whale on Japanese

No, it’s not a new country and western singer. The Japanese have announced their intention to resume hunting the Humpback Whale in the interests of ‘scientific research’. Most of us deplore the senseless hunting of these noble creatures. Most of us are also upset about the whales being killed too. There is one strong supporter of the Japanese action on the Forum whose views have ensured a dynamic and lively debate. Obviously this would stop if someone harpooned him.

Oy vey, get offa my landski

Apparently 10,000 Israelis want to adopt Polish citizenship and move back to claim their ancestral lands in Poland. We assume that they are not the same Israelis that annexed large parts of the West Bank or Gaza. That would be hypocrisy wouldn’t it? Anyway the general opinion of Forum members is that they should back off. In a way it is a shame since it would have opened the door for Szarlotka to reclaim Warwickshire which his ancestors apparently owned before tragically siding with the Royalists. Unfortunately the dour, religious and generally boring Roundheads won but now justice can be done, assuming that Gordon Brown – who is obviously a descendant of Oliver Cromwell – approves of the annexation.

Driving Miss Daisy (or any other Forum Member for that matter).

Tornado2007 created a storm (Ed – Groan) by demanding to know why foreigners just can’t drive over here without causing mayhem and carnage. Despite his pleas for a sensible non racially motivated debate based upon facts not opinions, it descended into the classic ‘Brits drive on the wrong side of the road’ discussion. Then the Empire and colonial behaviour got dragged in to the topic. Obviously we drive on the left just to annoy people and guess what – it works! Very soon our roads will be so congested that the average injury from a head on collision will be the spilling of one’s coffee. It’s very hard to kill someone when doing 5 miles an hour.

Regular readers may recall that it was Lithuanian that crashed into the back of Szarlotka’s car at a roundabout. However, the last person to do that before then was a Geordie. I think this puts him in the thread neutral position.

Apparently Yorkshire Police (it’s north of Watford Sledz so don’t worry about the Geography too much) are spending huge amounts of money on translation services to tell foreigners that they are about to be arrested. Of course the ‘you are a Polonophobe’ brigade jumped on to this one. Stupid buggers. Everyone knows that most of that money is spent translating the utterings of the Police to bemused southern visitors to the Peoples Republic of South Yorkshire.

And so the end is near

Actually it is here not near. This week’s edition is much abridged. There has been a nasty incident of work interfering with Szarlotka’s social life. Never mind, in two weeks time unemployment will overtake him. Tragically this seems to happen for 4-6 weeks every year around this time. (Ed – it’s snowing in the Alps – any connection?) So brevity has kicked in. Fare thee well.

Post long and prosper.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


LOL - If you had just taken a shot in football you would have just hit the corner flag


He or she is the literary equivalent of 'The Stig'.

UK, Ireland / Polish immigration in UK [491]


No - we have largely British employers giving the job to the Poles


Precisely. EU = free movement of capital and labour. If you want to stop it, help to elect a government that would take us out of the EU. If that happens I for one will be gone as there is no way that UK can thrive economically outside of the EU.

Competition for jobs is not new here. It's just that now it is the lower wage earning jobs where there are hard working and reliable alternatives. Spanish plumbers never wanted to work here but Spanish lawyers and IT staff etc have done so for years. I have been in competition with EU staff for donkeys years (sorry Osiol).

The real tragedy here is not having Central European workers over here but in having let our education and training systems deteriorate to the point where our kids are finding it difficult to compete. The work ethic has been eroded at the same time for some Brits. Solution is to invest more in our future and to help people retrain and compete again.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Omnibus Edition - Issue 4

Deadlines – who needs them? In what could be a world record, the authors have encountered writer’s block after only three editions. This is a serious problem that also affected one of our favourite authors of all time, Tom Sharpe. We have tried everything we know this week to get back into focus – holding our breath, only drinking best bitter and red wine, chanting, cold showers – all to no avail. In desperation we even resorted to trying to respond to posts using a maximum of three words to follow the Gzgregorz example. Even that failed miserably since the same words – tosh, crap and bollocks kept coming up. (Ed – careful boys – that’s the name of our lawyers) After another sleepless night we trudged despondently into the office today, stuffed newspapers down our trousers and walked in to face the Editor holding a blank sheet of A4 in our trembling hands. Imagine our surprise when instead of the thrashing we were expecting, the boss took us all out for a nice lunch and a cosy pep talk. It appears that his autocratic management style has been seen from on high and, after a one to one session with HR, he is a changed man.

He listened intently to our problems, nodding supportively at the relevant points. After the third glass of port he suddenly drew himself up to his full 5’ 2” and delivered his plan of action. The Edition must get through he said. It doesn’t have to be accurate, amusing or even relevant. Write about the weather or Britney Spear’s number 1 cut, anything but write you must. Stunned we meekly agreed to do our best. The old look came briefly back into his eye and we picked out the word ‘downsized’ in his quiet mumblings. So welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Not the PF Omnibus Edition’.

Smile, though your heart is breaking.

The great news is that they’re back. No not the smilies but the people who want the smilies to be reinstated. From everywhere they flocked. Heart rending tales of how smilies had made them better people and how smilies had supported global peace and harmony were supplemented with sad tales of descents into alcoholism, vegetable abuse and the irrational desire to read the Daily Mail since the demise of the cute little emoticons. Faced with the clamours for reinstatement, Admin broke a thousand hearts but refusing to have his neat and tidy forum littered with shallow tokens of woolly thought. A picture may be worth a thousand words but obviously they are the wrong words. Is this the end of the matter? This one could run and run. This thread has now made more comebacks than David Bowie.

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.

Given the pressing need to write something, or anything, we ignored reading post after post and cut straight to the threads with the big post numbers. In so doing we were appalled to realise that three of them – How much do you hate Poland and Polish people, The English are xenophobic towards the Polish and Polish Immigration in the UK – were all following the same, sad path. Apparently we all hate each other. Whether that was always the case or just as a result of reading the latest post is unclear. In our opinion we must learn to put aside our suspicions and learn to live in perfect harmony (Ed – and teach the world to sing eh boys?). In order to facilitate this we propose to utilise an old playground trick. We have to agree on a weak group that we can all pick on together. So we propose to start a thread which is provisionally entitled ‘Peru – what a dump”. If this fails then Plan B will be resort to jareck8’s suggestions of closing downs pubs and clubs, banning drinking, making attendance at churches compulsory and giving up your seat to old ladies on the Tube.

Oh and the other big threads are word association, Polish word association and Cyber Crush. Shallow? If we were a sea we’d be the Sarogossa. We had a psychology graduate check out the word association thread. One or two of you have some big problems. Disturbing patterns are emerging. Constant references to beer or sex are giving the game away.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas (Ed – not sure we can get away with this anymore)

Apparently, it may or may not be winter now. A whole thread on debating this cold topic has emerged. Personally we can’t see the point in worrying about it. If you’re queuing for a taxi and its minus 20 degrees Centigrade with ice on your eyebrows and the boxer shorts have turned into the stately home variety (plenty of ballroom) who gives a cuss whether it is technically winter or not.

However, winter does bring Christmas. Krysia has, in the spirit of global festiveness, launched PF’s very own version of Secret Santa. It appears to floundering on the delicate issue of having to know the address of members in order to get the little tokens of our affection to our fellow Forumites. Daisy in particular does not want to have her identity stolen. Others are wary of being stalked by the more deranged of us. Can these problems be resolved? We were more than happy to have the Ferrari delivered to a Post Office Box address. Then, however, we recalled the last Secret Santa involving Polish people. Up until then we thought marital aids were ear muffs.

It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that counts.

Is it heck! In an earlier edition we noted that the big white cuddly dog was on course to be the first five star poster. Have we spoken too soon? There has been a resurgence of posts from Krysia and Bubbawoo. On the face of it would appear to be a three horse race. Not true in our opinion. Coming up on the rails is a Donkey. In less than 3 months ‘Donk’ as we refer to him has rattled up over 3,200 posts. Will there now be a frantic attempt by the front runners to head him off at the post. Before you start laying money on the winner, remember the crucial role that admin has in the race. Who has the most posts in the Off Topic (will be deleted, oh yes) section? Too close to call we think, and anyway we have lost too much money on donkeys in the big races in the past.

The Royal Visit

We were honoured to have royalty posting this week. Lady Catalina (why do the upper classes name their kids after Flying Boats?) dropped by using the handle StudentKa. After receiving an answer to her original exchange rate request (may we suggest Yahoo Finance your Majesty) she wanted somebody in Poland to sort of drive her around for free yah. She seemed to be slightly miffed by some of the responses. As excited as we are about having Royalty on PF, we are concerned about how quickly Frank responded here. To the extent that we think Frank was having a wind up moment with us. Come on Frank, admit it - it was you wasn’t it.

Marry me, marry you ahaaaah

The thread debating whether it was socially acceptable for women to pop the question has rumbled on. From a cursory read through there does not appear to be consensus view on this one. Everyone seems to realise that women drop more hints on marriage than the average B52 drops bombs but on the crucial final question of should they give up waiting on the useless, indecisive, insecure and emotionally frozen male in their life and tell him that is going to be married there is some doubt. If you are in this situation then wait for the next leap year or just keep the hints dropping. If you do decide to take the direct approach have a paramedic on hand.

Six months left to live – what would you do?

A new thread which we intend to monitor closely in the future. Early suggestions range from the continuous party to travelling the world (ever tried getting travel insurance with a medical condition?) to helping others to telling the boss he is a mastodon (we liked this one ). Drop by soon and give us your views. Will anybody insist that they love their job so much they will work until they draw their last breath?

The (dim)witty conclusion

So another week has passed by. Inside the Forum controversy and agitation reigned supreme. Out in the real world it was all goodness and light. That nice Dr. Bari suggested that the UK was showing all the signs of Nazi Germany and that a good dose of Muslim culture and justice would do us all the world of good. Ooh yes please that would be wonderful.

The part of Poland that is forever Bedfordshire (Szarlotka’s local pub) has been buzzing. In the darts it was England 7 Poland 1. Jacek S (name changed to protect the innocent) has been practising social integration by playing golf with Szarlotka. Despite claiming that he has only played twice before Jacek proceeded to go round in only 9 over par off a generous handicap of 24. Can somebody please translate the word bandit into Polish please?

Finally, it is worth noting that attempts to have mentions in this Edition will only work when accompanied by brown paper bags stuffed full of cash. We are sorry but rules are rules.

Manyana

UK, Ireland / Polish opinion of England as a country and the English nation [64]


I love being an exception to a rule.....

Love / DO POLISH MEN DATE OLDER WOMEN? [169]

Unless they're corked