Off-Topic /
PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]
The Scene:A rambling Victorian building set in the grounds of an English country estate that used to boast two magnificent golf courses before the recession took hold, the members were imprisoned for fraud and the courses left to grow wild. A number of small children are playing in the sand in what used to be the tricky greenside bunker by the 15th hole of the championship course. Over the magnificent doors of the slightly ramshackle building a hastily erected sign that reads ‘Big Skool’ looks incongruous against the mellow yellow bricks of the fading edifice. The camera pans around to the oak panelled doors and we are taken through a marble tiled entrance hall. Old portraits of the family who owned the state adorn the flock papered walls. We are taken down a number of narrow passages and eventually pause outside an open door from which emanates a cacophony of squealing, screams and groans. Slowly we enter the room. Before us we see row upon row of old fashioned school desks, each with a long disused inkwell and a hinged top. Most of the tops have years of expressions of undying love for or aspersions about the sexuality of pupils from a bygone age carved roughly into them. Several of the desk tops are open and wedged between them are the heads of screaming children. One such head is not moving and there is a blue tinge to the swarthy features. The camera returns to the entrance to the classroom. We see a tall figure standing aghast framed in the doorway. Slowly he walks forward past the lines of desks and climbs on to the raised podium at the head of the room. A semblance of calm falls upon the masses of brightly clothed pupils. The tinny rattle of multiple i-pods and a few low groans are all that can be heard. The man shuffles some papers nervously, takes a sip of water and turns to address the class……Children, welcome to the first day of the new school year here at Big School. Welcome also to our new premises that our headmaster, Mr Admin, has secured for us following the unfortunate arson incident at the last building. My name, for those of you who do not know me, is Mr Szarlotka. Yes Mr Grunwald I am a man and would appreciate it if this simple fact could somehow be lodged in that brain of yours. Today I shall be using our first lesson to acquaint you all with the expected behaviours here at Big School and to introduce you all to the new members of staff who have joined this year. Sadly some of this will not be new for some of you. I refer, of course, to the disturbingly high numbers of you who are very familiar to me. That so many of you have been held back for a year for remedial education is of great concern to me. Yes Seanus what do you want boy? Yes, I know that you are not one of them. Well it’s nice to hear that you are so keen to do well in your first year. I think it’s unfair to call him a girly swat Lir don’t you? Before I begin could someone please free Filos1 from that desk please? Thank you Rock. I think we’d better call Matron. He looks a little unwell. Dead you say Rock? We’ll let Matron be the judge of that. Just lay him out in the Music Room will you please. He was leaving in a few days anyway.
Now this year our headmaster has decided to base himself offshore for tax reasons and also because of his fear of having all his possessions burnt in another fire like the last one. Therefore you are very unlikely to see him in person at all this year. In the unlikely event that he pays us a surprise visit we will sound the chapel bell three times. At this point you will all be expected to be on your best behaviour and I see that some of you will have to change your attire. Pgtx, Justysia and Miranda I would like to remind you of the rues concerning the length of skirts to be worn in class. Those are a little short don’t you think? They may well be fashionable but you know what happens to Southern at times like these don’t you. He is finding it difficult to keep up with the curriculum as it is. Any further distractions could result in his expulsion.
Yes Seanus, I know your uniform is immaculate. Well it was until then. Lir I think you ought to apologise to Seanus, Engine oil is a bugger to remove from clothing. Where did it come from? Wroclaw Boy I have to remind you that my class is not the time to be boring out your cylinders. And whilst we are on the subject can I just remind you that rallying in the school grounds is expressly forbidden. You almost killed Espana this morning with that power slide. No you won’t get him next time as there is not going to be a next time. Understood? Good. What’s that Espana. It wasn’t you it was UKPolska? Why on earth would anyone impersonate you Espana? Get a grip boy. Settle down at the back please.
Now, where was I? Oh yes. We have had a change of staff this year. Not surprisingly several of them have had nervous breakdowns and have taken early retirement. As with last year the senior staff, collectively called the Mods, has day to day responsibility for running the school. That’s correct Sausage, they won’t get fooled again. Very good Sledz, they are talking about your generation. I’m pleased to see that you have learnt from last year and not brought any beer in with you this time. No need to because you’ve bought a bar instead? A likely tale. Deputy headmaster this year is PolskaDoll, the only one of the staff with sufficient resilience to come back for another year. As ever she will be fair but firm in keeping you all on track. What was that joland? I don’t care if you are a psychologist there is nothing between PolskaDoll and myself other than mutually supporting the same football team. And, if I may say so, your results in psychology would lead me to suggest that you have a long way to go yet.
Sasha what are you doing back there? Look boy, education is all about breaking down barriers not building new ones. That wall you are building is taking away the natural light from Bratwurst Boy. Put the bricks and trowel down this instant. Can I ask the Polish members of class to tear down the wall please? Best to use previous experience wherever possible. Yes Bratwurst Boy, I know you have a Mercedes and a place in St. Lucia, but Sasha’s Mercedes is bullet proof isn’t it? Yes pgtx, you can sell the bricks on e-bay but after class please.
Our next senior staff member is Wroclaw, another one of our leaders who chooses to work outside of the UK and teach and discipline you all from the safety of his own home No Wahldo that is not pronounced rock-law. I am not picking on the Americans Pinching Pete. Anyway I thought I told you two not to sit together. Yes Wahldo these are my real teeth. No they haven’t been whitened Pete. Go and sit next to Shawn-H please Wahldo. Anyway Wroclaw is a senior member of staff with a dry laconic sense of humour so treat him well , behave yourselves and you should benefit from his masterly wisdom. He teaches Dubious Poetry as a specialism. Shawn-H, I hesitate to ask this but why are you emptying the contents of the water cooler between your desk and Wahldo’s? Right I see, it’s best to have a large body of tumbling water between yourselves and the Yanks. I’m glad you feel more comfortable now. Yes LAGirl. Seanus would you let someone get a question in please? Go ahead LAGirl. I see. Well thanks for the compliment but unfortunately I’m not Polish and I’m a little too old for you don’t you think? All right Seanus you can swap desks with Wildrover. Don’t run in class Wildrover.
Our final moderator is young Mr Vincent. Now I want you all to help him settle in. He’s only just graduated from training college and this is his first appointment. No it won’t be his last appointment Gzregorz. Can I remind you that your behaviour since losing your position of authority from last year has been viewed with concern? Yes I know you know Yehudi. Hatefulbunch97, this is neither the time or place to hit Gzregorz around the head with that piece of timber. Oh it’s not timber so what is it then? Harry’s leg? Where is the rest of Harry? Oh good grief. Please fill in an incident form for me at the end of the class please. No Irons11 it’s not Harry Rednapp’s leg. Remind me to remove you from Mr Vincent’s classes.
Now normally at this time I would announce who has been appointed as head boy, head girl and head of prefects. Unfortunately because of the disruption caused by the firestorm caused by Wildrover’s exploding motorcycle and the fact that some of you were storing semtex at the last premises allied to the fact that all of the original candidates failed their criminal record checks it is not possible for me to do this. The rationalising proposal received from Osiol to combine all of these roles into one supreme commander of the pupils’ democratic reform movement is under serious consideration by the Board of Governors as we speak. Yes niejestemcapita you can put your name forward for the job if you wish but I suggest you might want to have an easier name to remember when canvassing. I’m not sure if Osiol is standing or not Wyspi. He’s playing it close to his chest. Nice to see you’ve woken up at the mention of chest Southern. By the way, your elected options for this year are not acceptable. You can’t do human biology three times. Some mathematics may be useful for you.
So children that are most of the points that I wished to cover. Do you have nay questions for me? Fek, girls, drink, arse is not really a question is it SeanBM. Oh and your request for a paint balling contest in the girls dormitory is denied by the way. Yes noiimigration or Glaswegians or whatever your name is, Polish is a compulsory class this year. No you are not excused from it. Dtaylor please come down from the walls. Your crampons are making holes in the ornate plasterwork. What now Espana? ShelleyS is not picking on you again. It was merely a forceful exchange of views. Don’t be so sensitive. ShelleyS I think it is unfair to refer to the whole class as being retarded. Some of them are quite intelligent, brooding and malevolent perhaps but still intelligent. Yes Terrabull you can hang your portrait in the entrance hall. Not you though Wroclaw Boy, you look too much like Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown in it. And that language would make Roy proud too.
The bell for the end of class rings, echoing solemnly around the dusty corridors of the new home of Big School. Outside the class a number of pupils who should have attended Szarlotka’s lesson but who sat in the corridor smoking and playing on their games consoles are trampled to death by the exiting hordes.
As Szarlotka sips his water and gazes morosely out of the window to where several members of the Combined Cadet Force are torturing member of the kitchen staff to uncover the wherabouts of the last supplies of frozen fries, the ancient bakelite telephone on his desk rings.
Yes headmaster, the induction class has just finished. It went as well as could be expected. It looks like we have around 5 to 6 deaths, four class action suits, two racial discrimination claims and I’m not sure if we have removed all of the explosives yet. Yes I agree with you, I’ll call the PR people at the end of this call. I think all in all it could be a challenging year. No, of course we won’t bother you unless the body count goes above the hundred mark. Have a good day Sir.
