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Is it worth it, is my Polish guy trying to avoid me???


ancilla  
6 Jan 2008 /  #1
I have been friends with a Polish guy now since March 2007 and have been invited to stay with him in Poland this coming March. The only drawback I have with him is the whole SMS thing!!!! He can go days without sending a sms - not really a huge problem but I am a natural worrier and worry he's had an accident or something. Do you think he is trying to avoid me?? He is always insistent that I stay with him and is always sending letters and little gifts, it's just the sms thing - do you think I should just stop sending him sms????
szkotja2007 27 | 1,499  
6 Jan 2008 /  #2
Looking back to August..what happened with the diamond ring, did he buy you it ?
Wroclaw 44 | 5,387  
6 Jan 2008 /  #3
do you think I should just stop sending him sms????

Why don't you send e-mail.

if you are worried... phone him

Or just phone him once a week to keep in touch.
the_falkster 1 | 180  
6 Jan 2008 /  #4
it's a trust thing.

i am with my polish girlfriend now since 1.5 years and at the beginning had the same problem that she was not quite sending as many texts as i wished (and did myself...). i was worrying especially when she went back home to her family and friends and i did not her of her...

over time we learnt both that i have to trust her and she learnt that this is easier if she occasionally answers my texts, too... up to the point now where i can't keep up with her phoning or texting me... which feels nice by the way.

the solution always is somewhere in the middle and communication is key...
OP ancilla  
6 Jan 2008 /  #5
Looking back to August..what happened with the diamond ring, did he buy you it ?

Well, he has a surprise lined up for me in Poland, official ceremony is all he will say - so on that I don't yet know!!!

The Falkster - I trust him 100% - thats not an issue for me - it's just the whole waiting for an answer to a text and I am making such a big think over it - I think we maybe rely too much on the old mobile phone thes days eh???
Lady in red  
6 Jan 2008 /  #6
communication is key...

Very true.........no communication, no relationship !
starchild 2 | 120  
6 Jan 2008 /  #7
I agree with the Falkster, if you trust him then you just have to be a bit patient.

My Polish bf does exactly the same thing. He doesn't always reply to a message, some days he might not contact me at all because he's busy (or usually bcoz he's grumpy!!) and when he is in poland he just makes contact every couple of days for a couple of minutes, despite saying he will call me every day, etc, etc. Its just the way he is!

After a while you do get used to it and at first I worried a lot as well, but now I just know it's his way. In his mind everything is perfect so he doesn't realise I might be worrying.

Stick with it... the surprise sounds like it'll be worth the wait!! How exciting!! :-)
OP ancilla  
6 Jan 2008 /  #8
Hi guys, he's not actually a boyfriend - he's never mentioned it to me at all - as far as im concerned, he's my very good friend - I'll just have to wait and see on that one. It is probably me that worries too much - we do speak once a week on the phone - I've noticed that since he went home to Poland his English is not as good - but as we always say to each other 'language is no barrier' - I know what he means and likewise -
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 Jan 2008 /  #9
if he is not your bf then what's this fuss all about?
OP ancilla  
6 Jan 2008 /  #10
Dont you worry about your friends plk123????
plk123 8 | 4,150  
6 Jan 2008 /  #11
if they don't respond to my communicatins immediately? not v. often
OP ancilla  
7 Jan 2008 /  #12
We are all different plk123, I'm one of nature's natural worriers - it turns out he's sent 6 sms to me but I haven't received any of them - I feel better now - when your pals are in a different country, it's not the same :.( x
Lady in red  
7 Jan 2008 /  #13
I'm one of nature's natural worriers

Lol <s> I think most women are and most men are not <g>

Just one of the differences between men and women I think......am glad that you feel better about it now :)
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
7 Jan 2008 /  #14
. It is probably me that worries too much -

but whats to worry about? that he's out working or having dinner with family or going out for a drink with friends....you need to relax because if you are like this with a friend, he might be frightened to get in to a full blown relationship with you...high maintenance isnt good, its stressful on the other party!
marek s - | 269  
7 Jan 2008 /  #15
i totally agree.
friends dont check up on each other unless they are having problems and such.
non stop texting now and your not even dating him in a guys eyes=future stalker
OP ancilla  
7 Jan 2008 /  #16
OK I get the message, but it was his idea to sms as regularly as we do, left to me I would prefer one phone call a week - but he thought it would help his English - he stuggles a lot on the phone!!

I certainly was not checking up on him - just making sure he was OK - every relationship is different - what works for some people doesn't for others.

high maintenance isnt good, its stressful on the other party!

This is certainly not me ShelleyS - never has and never will be!!

From what he wrote this morning, he is just as worried as to why I haven't replied - it seems we have both sent each other messages but they have 'gone astray'.

Anyhow, ShelleyS and Marek s - it was just a question as to whether I had anything to worry about and now you have made me feel like I'm a stalker - thanks very much indeed!!!
djf 18 | 166  
7 Jan 2008 /  #17
ancilla - i quite often have texts to my Polish friend go missing. The message received report on my phone is good for showing this up.

Sometimes the texts get 'stuck' and dont get through until one of the mobiles makes a call.
OP ancilla  
7 Jan 2008 /  #18
Thanks djf - I'm sure there would be an explanation for it - I can't help worrying - it's natural - but I AM NOT A STALKER!!!!! :.) x I'm afraid to SMS again just in case he thinks I am!!!!!! xx
lonely 2 | 97  
7 Jan 2008 /  #19
From what he wrote this morning, he is just as worried as to why I haven't replied - it seems we have both sent each other messages but they have 'gone astray'.

Hey there, i had the same problem before Christmas with SMS from UK to Poland. I am with Vodafone at they work with a different network provider to the one my girlfriend uses. This being the case her network provider was under no obligation to deliver my sms and under no obligaton to deliver hers to me. I bought an Orange phone which partners with Polkatel and had no problems. I hope it is as simple as that for you.
marek s - | 269  
7 Jan 2008 /  #20
Anyhow, ShelleyS and Marek s - it was just a question as to whether I had anything to worry about and now you have made me feel like I'm a stalker - thanks very much indeed!!!

its one thing to care, its another to call more than just a "friend" would.

I certainly was not checking up on him - just making sure he was OK - every relationship is different - what works for some people doesn't for others.

your not dating, how is it a relationship?
Lady in red  
7 Jan 2008 /  #21
I can't help worrying - it's natural - but I AM NOT A STALKER!!!!! :.

I don't think your friend will feel like that, majority of people wouldn't think like that either, i'm sure.

I think it shows you care and there's nothing wrong in caring about a friend. I would have thought caring is a helluva lot different than 'stalking' someone surely ?

I'm afraid to SMS again just in case he thinks I am!

If he's a true friend why on earth would he think in that way ?

<s>
plk123 8 | 4,150  
7 Jan 2008 /  #22
We are all different plk123, I'm one of nature's natural worriers - it turns out he's sent 6 sms to me but I haven't received any of them - I feel better now - when your pals are in a different country, it's not the same :.( x

yes, even more reason that they may not respond immediately

future stalker

lol.. i was going to say that too but i am just not as blunt as you. :D
Lady in red  
7 Jan 2008 /  #23
i was going to say that too but i am just not as blunt as you

I don't get it because he is still her friend and she is due to go and stay with him in March. The main difference is that she would like to have more regular contact than she has had because of her nature. I thought people who were stalkers suffered with a mental illness ? So surely, sometimes one should choose their words more carefully when giving out their advice / opinions ? It's just my view and I'm not getting at anybody and I'm a bit out of my depth here because I cannot see how she could even be thought of as a stalker. :(

If he didn't want her to contact him at all then he wouldn't be inviting her to stay and surely if you don't wish someone to stay in touch with you, then all they should do is say so ? People should be more honest with each other I think. We should all communicate in a way which expresses exactly what we think. Mixed messages confuse everyone lol........
marek s - | 269  
7 Jan 2008 /  #24
I thought people who were stalkers suffered with a mental illness ?

stalking isnt a illness, its just craziness.

So surely, sometimes one should choose their words more carefully when giving out their advice / opinions ?

so everybody should sugar coat all their answers so peoples feeling dont get hurt?
whats the point in asking questions if youll never get a true answer because everybody is sugar coating?

People should be more honest with each other I think. We should all communicate in a way which expresses exactly what we think. Mixed messages confuse everyone

first you say people should chose their words more carefully, then you say above.
you totally contradict yourself.
Lady in red  
8 Jan 2008 /  #25
stalking isnt a illness, its just craziness.

It is actually, but I haven't posted on PF for an argument about it. Have a look at WIlkapedia.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking

so everybody should sugar coat all their answers so peoples feeling dont get hurt?

No, that isn't what I meant, by highlighting my sentence in that way it appears to be taken out of context in your posting. I was merely trying to point out that stalking is a serious behavioural problem amongst other psychlogical issues and in my opinion someone shouldn't be told they may be one unless you are qualified to do so. :(

first you say people should chose their words more carefully, then you say above.you totally contradict yourself.

Again, you have taken things out of context. What I am saying is that if people were more honest with each other and communicate in that way, especially in friendships and/or relationships then there would be a lot less confusion. The poster 'ancilla' just wanted to know either way, and who can blame her. She cares about her friend, but she wasn't clear whether or not he wished to stay in touch because he was silent. When someone is silent, then some people get concerned that something may have happened to them, he must know that she has that sort of nature if they are friends already. So,if he didn't wish any further contact it would be far better to say so, than to leave her wondering if something had happened to him ? As it turns out he had texted her from Poland but she never received the texts.

I could easily highlight some of your sentences and show how you may be contradicting yourself too......e.g.

stalking isnt a illness, its just craziness.

What is craziness ? How do you define it then ?

One of the points I was making is that it's far too easy to throw out labels at someone especially as an aside comment and it can be very hurtful to that person especially when the person throwing out the comment isn't medically qualified to do so.......lol. Maybe you should have just said 'crazy'. But did you mean 'Crazy' as in 'mentally deranged; or crazy as 'unpredictable, bizzarre behaviour' ? <s>

As I said, I'm not here to argue the toss, I said I was out of my depth and therefore I looked up the facts before I originally posted :)

Have a nice day. I fully intend to do so even if the weather is awful here today :)
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
8 Jan 2008 /  #26
I am a natural worrier and worry he's had an accident or something. Do you think he is trying to avoid me?? He is always insistent that I stay with him and is always sending letters and little gifts, it's just the sms thing - do you think I should just stop sending him sms????

I think the point being made is that - getting stressed and worried because a 'friend' doesnt text you back isnt good for you or the other party - friendships are about being comfortable...
Lady in red  
8 Jan 2008 /  #27
friendships are about being comfortable...

..that's so true :)

So it's even harder to understand when a friend just suddenly goes silent. That's why ancilla posted. She was worried that something may have happened to her friend....easy assumption to make and I think some of us can identify with that.
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
8 Jan 2008 /  #28
LIR, maybe Im just laid back, if a friend doesnt respond to a text for a week or so I assume they are busy and they will get back to me in their own time, im the same to be honest and my friends know this...
Lady in red  
8 Jan 2008 /  #29
Yeah, that's fair enough Shelley, and I totally agree with you there.

Friendships vary though don't you think ? Like if you've known someone for a long time, then you kinda get to know how they operate so to speak and with some friends you may not always be in contact with even on a weekly basis but because they're good friends you just pick up contact whenever (so to speak)

In newer friendships, it can be a bit of a getting to know each other stage and I think sometimes, some friendships are a little bit more (i.e. mutual attraction but not quite yet a relationship that you both will admit to each other ) LOL........

When it's the latter, emotions come into play and not everyone thinks so sensibly at times. Maybe that's why ancilla needed to come on for a bit of advice. Hope things have or are working out for her there :)
OP ancilla  
8 Jan 2008 /  #30
Dear Lady in Red, Thanks very much for 'sticking up for me' - had a good chat with my dear friend Krzysztof in Poland, and enlightened him about this forum - he thinks it's hilarious that I should be classed as a 'stalker'!!! (it was quite a difficult conversation with dictionaries to hand on both sides of the 'phone)!! He was worried about me too and wasn't sure why I hadn't answered - it's simply a case of sms going missing!!!!

I think you would all have a valid point if I was making a fuss about one txt - he and I regularly sms each other, it was just unusual for him not to reply for so long.

Friends are allowed to be worried about each other - I certainly don't need to know his every move as he doesn't mine!!!!

Marek S and Shelleys - glad your lives run so smoothly!!!!!!

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