Return PolishForums LIVE
  PolishForums Archive :
Archives - 2005-2009 / Love  % width 36

did i push him away


lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #1
Don't really know where to start this or how I met a polish guy through work and admit I felt a spark straight away we worked together for two years and got on really well there was alittle bit of flirting going on in them two years finally when he knew he was about to leave ask me when we were going to sit and drink some vodka as a separated single mom i don't get out very often and have severe trust issues and olay my cards very close to my chest as i don't want to get hurt again but took a chance and gave him directions to my house I thought it was a mess a casual flirt to my surprise he arrived at my house and one thing lead to another don't usually sleep with guys first time together but thats what happened next day in work i was very embrassed and told him im not usually like that was quite straight about not wanting anyone in work to know as he is nine years my junior this type of thing went on for nearly 1.5yrs we never actually went out together always stayed in my house and our meetings weren't often once a month but I fell for him it was just so comfortable and safe when we were together despite to language difference but I got pregnant he wasnt ready for that neither was I he requested me to abort but it was something i couldnt do i told him straight i wanted nothing off him and that i knew he'd no feelings that way towards me and that it was what it was just a fling but if he wanted to be in the babys life i was fine with that he has never seen the baby who is 10mths old now but my biggest regret is i was to afraid to say how much I liked him and wonder maybe by my approach to the situation did I push him away as I really don't know if he did like me or used me I still think about him and miss the closeness I felt to him as I never felt that way with my ex husband anyone any suggestions I know he has another girlfriend as he ring when I was four mths pregnant to tell me he was seeing someone else but I really did not want him to stay out of duty so anybody out there can tell me did he like me or use me as I hate looking in my sons eyes (he's the spit of him) and feeling such regret
Cleo14 1 | 29  
14 Jan 2009 /  #2
don't regret. actually the guy is the s**m bag for not being remotely interested in his child. don't want to sound harsh but i think to him it was just a fling - well you both agreed to zero commitment. but u fell for him and he didn't feel the same about you. sadly it happens all the time :(. but the fact that he hasn't seen his son yet and offered no support - i have one word to describe his behaviour - SCUMMY!!! take him for child support. thats what i would do.
OP lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #3
thats abit harsh he didnt want a baby neither did i but could not abort so child support is a no no its different with my ex husband as we married and decided to start a family i feel yes he is responsible as it was an agreed decision this pregnancy wasn't part of me feels he thinks i got pregnant un purpose but after 8yrs of struggling to rear my daughter alone this was far from the case yes financially its tough and was nearly faced with homelessness over xmas as rent allowance fell through but the bigger help would be for him to see his son and take him out for awhile as surviving on 3hrs sleep a night has me like a zombie
Doubtfullove 4 | 28  
14 Jan 2009 /  #4
Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, however I think you are being too soft on him. Okay he didn't ask for a child and either did you but it takes too to produce a child so he is still ultimately responsible as you are too. He wanted you to terminate the pregnancy and you said no, still I think he is responsible too. After all it is your body and emotions that would have had to deal with the termination. If he really didn't want a child then he should have been more responsible with contraception. Even if he doesn't want to contribute emotionally in your childs life, he should still contribute financially your childs life.

Take him for child support would be my advise. Also does his family know he has a child? I would get in touch with his parents and let them know. They may want to play a part in their grandchilds life even if he doesn't.
dcchris 8 | 432  
14 Jan 2009 /  #5
Yes at the minimum he owes you child support. Doesnt seem like much of a man if he doesnt even have anything to do with you or his child. After all it took two to make it.
blaze022 - | 7  
14 Jan 2009 /  #6
he is scum, pure and simple,
for guys who want children but cant have them, for one reason or another, this guy makes me sick,

Best thing you could do by your child would be get maintanince, but i know here in the uk, when he goes back to polland or leaves the uk, they cant make him pay,

I have a friend in your situation, But we found his family in polland, now they have disowned him and visit the child every few weeks.
Cleo14 1 | 29  
14 Jan 2009 /  #7
he didnt want a baby neither did i but could not abort so child support is a no no

why is it a no no? so only men who want a child should pay child support if sth doesn't work out in the relationship and it falls apart? C'mon - you admitted it hasn't been easy for you to raise one child on your own. now you have 2 to look after - that's a huge responsibility and difficult task. And what do you do? you decide that you don't want to comlicate his life because he didn't want a child. well sucks to be him - he didn't want a baby he should have used condoms or sth. Since he didn't he is responsible for that child as much as you are. go and ask a lawyer. Don't feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for yourself and your kids. Yes - be selfish and take the bastard for child support - why should you have it hard so he can live a comfy life with no obligations?

whatever you decide to do is your choice. But understand this - child support is not for you - it's for the child. Babies, as cute as they are, cost money and you shouldn't feel bad that you expect the father of the child to participate in the expenses.

i'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. and i'm sorry if it all sounds harsh. and i hope you find someone who will love you and and your kids. For now - think about your kids and don't prance around that "dupek" ;)
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
14 Jan 2009 /  #8
As crewel as this sounds, you were merely some entertainment when he fancied at bit of the other - he didn’t take you out, he didn't acknowledge your relationship and he didn't want you to have this child. Whilst everyone is banging on about taking him for child support, I feel that he owes you nothing as you made the decision to continue with the pregnancy when he was quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. Unfortunately this happens, as to the posts about the whole take precautions not to get pregnant; it's easier for a woman to do this to protect herself, if you are going to ride bareback! pill, pill injection, implants, morning after pill, coil etc etc....

Good luck to the OP and don't worry about your son, you sound like a wonderful person who can give him all the love he will ever need.

As a foot note, I think that the child’s father was a scum bag because he took advantage of a lonely vulnerable insecure woman!
sapphire 22 | 1,241  
14 Jan 2009 /  #9
I wonder if he was concerned about your lack of punctuation? Sorry I'm being flippant, but it is quite difficult to take in all that you have to say without any commas or fullstops.

I am sorry for your situation but it seems that you did know the score but chose to ignore it as you were vulnerable. I think you used each other, him probably for sex and you most likely for companionship. He clearly told you he wouldnt be part of the child's life and may even feel like you tricked him into getting pregnant. I dont think you should ask for child support either, it was your choice to proceed and I think deep down you were hoping that would change how he felt, but it wont. Whatever happens dont use your baby as a weapon.. Accept what happened and move on.. enjoy your beautiful child as a gift and dont worry about the father.
OP lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #10
thank you all in response of do his family know i don't know if they do and wouldn't know how to connact them it would b nice if his grandparents did want to know him i would have no objections to this but as for child support i suppose because this is a constant issue with my ex hubby for 8yrs that i havent the energy to start another battle as from experience i know how draining it can be and my ex feels he has a right to pop in and out of my daughters life when the mood takes him ie xmas and birthdays which emotionally is very hard on her as the older she gets the more of her feelings she can put into words when i tell her to tell her father she is afraid to rub him up the wrong way in case he never comes back so u see while he is getting off as you put it some men take child support to the point of the child being a possession and yes its my own fault im in this mess through bad decisions as for contraception my pill failed because of another tablet i was taking which was making me sick my fault for relying solely on a contraception which had never failed me in the past sorry for bad grammer but baby havin bottle on knee while writing
Cleo14 1 | 29  
14 Jan 2009 /  #11
you know what - you'll be ok :) you seem like a very smart lady. i wish all best to you and your kids.

ps. finding the grandparents shouldn't be difficult. it's a good idea to let them know.
dcchris 8 | 432  
14 Jan 2009 /  #12
you'll be ok

raising two kids on her own as a single mother... it wont be easy. Its possible for sure but not easy.
OP lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #13
thank you chloe wouldnt say smart but very used to going it alone i know itll get easier pro 18yrs time lol but its always nice to air a situation to see the answer more clearly

dccchris if life was meant to be easy we would all be born with a winning lotto ticket
Cleo14 1 | 29  
14 Jan 2009 /  #14
Cleo14:
you'll be ok

raising two kids on her own as a single mother... it wont be easy. Its possible for sure but not easy.

sure it is. and a living example lives next door to me - and she's not getting any child support (yet. considering she lives in Poland she'll probably will have to wait a while before she sees any money from him).
OP lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #15
Thread attached on merging:
did i push him away

sorry closed by accident
chloe your right your neighbour will be okay
a friend of mine who would be very spiritual put it this way when we decide to be we make a decision on our lives and what lessons we want to learn but in that decision we chose who are parents are so can can have certain charactoristics(prob spelt wrong) which i think about at times and im actually delighted that both my children may have seen something worthwhile to inhert from me to help them on their journey and i think it is something that every parent should think it did help me with the fact i couldnt terminate as he was meant to be acccident or not he chose to be
time means 5 | 1,310  
14 Jan 2009 /  #16
he may not want to get involved, but think seriously about the little ones grand-parents. i think they should know about the little boy.
OP lena 2 | 14  
14 Jan 2009 /  #17
i agree but is it really my place to tell them and wouldnt know where to start although i knew him and his surname wouldnt be 100% what part of poland he is from and although i believe they have a right to know their their grandson and my son has a right to his heritage and to know them i would not feel comfortable going behind his back and maybe he has told them as i say i don't know
drummy 1 | 6  
15 Jan 2009 /  #18
lena
your experience is all to like my own.
all I can say is it's his loss and his families I look at my little boy who at a simliar age to yours' is funny and cheeky and has brought so much joy into our lives that it's his father who is missing all the joy that he has brought with him. As for letting his paternal grandparents know yes they have a right to know but I agree it's not your place to tell them, it's up to their son or yours when he is old enough to go in search of them if he pleases thats the way i'm playing it. as for falling for the guy in ? I too did the same and believe I had know idea he would turn around and run when this happened as he had seemed so grown up and family orientated it's seems to me that he changed completely when p word was mention to i bear he bad feeling no I all aspects of his life I wish him well yes we did fight I said horrible things to him after my child was born and he wouldnt see him but I put that down to stress and lack of sleep I was terrififed of bumping into him and his new girlfriend when I went into town shopping as I felt it would be a horrible situation but luckily I was not from the area where we both lived so I give up my council house and moved back to a different county to be near my own family for support so now i walk down the town and no fear of that horrible meeting which was bound to happen ran away maybe but my mother is ill so it was just the right thing for me just remember when the time comes for him to have his own legitimate child all the feelings should hit him as well as the guilt
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893  
15 Jan 2009 /  #19
This is story number 4 of abandomnent! Just goes to show you, all men are the same, regardless of nationality!

Okay, girls, find yourself a lovely Irish man :) (better the devil you know)
drummy 1 | 6  
15 Jan 2009 /  #20
Okay, girls, find yourself a lovely Irish man :) (better the devil you know)

was married to a irishman makes no difference irish english polish whatever most not all either fail their responsablities or cheat there are good ones but few and far btween
OP lena 2 | 14  
23 Feb 2009 /  #21
hi all again thank you all for your advice.
I did take it all in and after a long think, I think you are right about maybe approaching his parents while he may not want to have anything to do with his son maybe his grandparents will wantto know and have contact with him, so here I am looking for help again as to how to go about finding them. to send them a letter and a picture or two and take it from there. all I know about him is his age date of birth and his name not too sure what part of poland he is from even. then again maybe his parents know he has a child and have advised him to do nothing, but for my sons sake I would like him if possible to have contact with his grandparents and to know his hertiage.
Cleo14 1 | 29  
24 Feb 2009 /  #22
well, if you know his last name u could try nasza-klasa.pl. it's sth like facebook, but only in polish unfortunately. and if you're lucky you'll be able to locate his hometown and maybe your baby's parents without leaving the house :). if you don't know anyone who speaks polish, who can help you, you can pm me.
Paula - | 11  
24 Feb 2009 /  #24
Lena feel free to send me a message..
Sokrates 8 | 3,346  
24 Feb 2009 /  #25
You lost him forever and its all your fault.
Harry  
24 Feb 2009 /  #26
I think you are right about maybe approaching his parents while he may not want to have anything to do with his son maybe his grandparents will wantto know and have contact with him, so here I am looking for help again as to how to go about finding them. to send them a letter and a picture or two and take it from there. all I know about him is his age date of birth and his name

If you know that much he should be fairly easy to find. I would suggest that you either check nasza-klasa (although that might not work, it depends on how common his name is and even if you do find him, it only gives you contact to him) or pop down to your local church and ask the priest for help finding the grandparents. Just remember to first make up some sob story about how the two of you were supposed to get married and so you agreed to have premarital sex, make sure you mention that he left you because you wouldn't have an abortion.

Once you find the little twat, make damn sure that he pays child support. He half brought the kid into the world, so he must half pay for what the kid needs.

You lost him forever and its all your fault.

Every cloud has a silver lining. This twat is typical of Polish men. You wouldn't want to end up living with him and no doubt you wouldn't want to end up living with the twat who sired your child (can't use the word 'fathered' to describe what he did).
Sokrates 8 | 3,346  
24 Feb 2009 /  #27
Every cloud has a silver lining. This twat is typical of Polish men. You wouldn't want to end up living with him and no doubt you wouldn't want to end up living with the twat who sired your child (can't use the word 'fathered' to describe what he did).

Erm Harry i wouldnt want to end up with any twat since i'm a man, so that makes my girl a...twatess ?

twat who sired your child

When i finally decide to have one i'll be the twat who sired my child thank you.
OP lena 2 | 14  
28 Feb 2009 /  #28
I can help you too,pm me.

sorry how do i pm you
i do know how to contact the father as i still have his mobile number and have rang for medical questions on allergies and the father is still here in ireland just that i know his folks back in poland don't know and as we met in work i didn't want my workmates to know we'd been seeing each as my private life is private and not for gossip in work, so it made it very easy for him to walk away as no-one knows he is a dad, i have txt him to tell him him to tell his parents or that i would but got no response as he proably thinks i,m bluffing but the longer it is left the worse it would be as i,ve said to him he is denying his parents the right to be grandparents and more importantly denying his son the right to know his family, the may not want to know but that is their decision to make and it should be given to them. I know they haven't much and I haven't but they could always kkep up contact with me sending them pictures and If i could get someone to teach my son polish then as he grows he could have phone contact or see them over the web whatever i have the letter written and have it transulated into polish so i just need to find out where in poland they live.

You lost him forever and its all your fault.

If I've lost him forever isn't an issue really as I felt I never had him but it is his fault that his son has lost him forever as he just couldn't be bothered and with that being the case he would be worth having cause family value is very important to me as they are the only true people you can count on to be there for you when the shit hits the fan.
CoconutWater - | 5  
28 Feb 2009 /  #29
lena

sorry how do i pm you

You simply send personal message clicking on envelope icon placed in the right corner at my post.
Sokrates 8 | 3,346  
28 Feb 2009 /  #30
out there can tell me did he like me or use me as I hate looking in my sons eyes (he's the spit of him) and feeling such regret

I was only excersizing very bad humor thank you, but i am going to lend you a piece of my briliant mind regardless.

If I've lost him forever isn't an issue really as I felt I never had him but it is his fault that his son has lost him forever as he just couldn't be bothered and with that being the case he would be worth having cause family value is very important to me as they are the only true people you can count on to be there for you when the shit hits the fan.

The fellow didnt use you per se, basing my responce on your description of the entire situation he is simply an immature twat who's nowhere near a moment in life where he can settle down also he probably didnt treat you as a potential partner rather than a casual shag, whereas you being lonely saw in him a man you'd like to be with his fucked up character ( to which you were and still are blisffully oblivious ) notwithstanding.

You didnt lose him, you never had him however the guy is a largely negative person and many years will pass before ( if ever ) be becomes capable of true deep connection, as hard as it is being a single mother fuck him, he'd be a destructive burden on you so be grateful you parted when you did raise your kid and wait for someone better.

Archives - 2005-2009 / Love / did i push him awayArchived