Such a mess with my polish boy...:(

Yeah, it's all such a mess and I'm sad and need to vent I guess..

So the thing is, I have this friend. A good friend. I met him through work and at the time he was married. Then his wife left him (for another polish bloke no less) and his heart was properly broken. By that time we were good friends and talked alot.

So after a while we started beeing more than just good friends, you know, sex and all. It has not been easy, he is a devout catholic and struggles alot with the guilt issue of beeing married and having made promises in church to stay faithful to her.

She is still with this other guy and doesnt want to try to fix things.
And stupid me is so in love with him and it has now been a year since she left him.

The problem now is that he seems not to want to get better. He has been depressed and his doc gave him antidepressandts. He took them for some months and things seemed to slowly improve. Not everything seemed to be just problems anymore. Then this summer he went to Poland and stopped taking them for the two weeks he was there. He wanted to drink polish beer and have fun with his brother but promised he would start taking them once he was back here in Norway.

I was in Poland with him for five days and we had such a fantastic time! When I left he couldnt sleep cause I wasnt there. I know he cares about me alot.

Then, lo and behold, after a while back home again, I notice something is off and ask if he's back on the pills. The answer: No, nothing is important to me anymore so why should I take them?

So now, hes not taking his pills, has started to drink alot so he wont think or feel, and pushes me away cause I seem to ask questions that are difficoult about things he would rather not think of.. His ex is not coming back and while I understand that you care about people that has been important to you, I dont understand why you would choose to feel bad. He has said himself that he works alot (12+ hours a day) to keep his mind busy and tire himself out so that the days will just pass.

He is so happy when we are together, but it feels to me like it's almost easier for him to feel bad about his life in general than to try to piece everything together and try to move on.

I dunno, if I hadnt felt that it was worth a fight I probably would have given up a long time ago. Maybe I am fooling myself. I'm just really sad and could use some advice..

Thanks if you made it this far!

It sounds like he has a chemical imbalance because he needs medication to make things better and so there's really nothing you can do to make things better. You say he pushes you away. Why do you come back? Why don't you stay away if that's what he wants?

Well, because it's not always what he wants. Our friendship/realtionship is very close and even when he pushes me away he always comes back and I guess I'm not strong enough to stay away myself. And yeah, depression is an illness, I just wish he would see that and not try to 'take things like a man and deal with it without medication' when his doctor (and himself also) know it would make him feel better.

You can,t save somedody who doesn,t want to be saved , all you can do is be there when they need you...Sounds to me like he has not got over his ex , and you can,t push him to do this.....It goes without saying , that he is wasting his time having emotions about his ex , but there is nothing you can do untill he accepts this and moves on....The most difficult thing for you is to realise when he is dragging you down with him...and let go....

Yeah, youre absolutly right..
And I keep telling myself that I should try to let go. Guess I'm just as stupid about hanging on as he is..!

On the same hand you have said he has been through a lot. Maybe he doesn't believe anyone cares...or that you would just cheat as well. I wouldn't say give up yet.

Being in love is not stupid...it is special ...and nice , but sometimes it can make you blind....

Well yes. He wants to move back to Poland at some point and he says that if we were there together he would always think is this the day she says she wants to go back to Norway? Is this the day she says she doesnt want me anymore?

I have a daughter also and he is concerned about how it would be for her. What if we had a baby etc etc. Basically (sp?) he is scared of everything, but he knows that and admits it, so I guess that is one small step in the right direction..?

Thanks!

Just take him to the doctor to consult him taking the pills again.

Maybe that would be an idea? He got the pills from his doc in Poland, here he has a norwegian doctor, but he is a nice guy, I went with him there one time when he had an accsident at work.

He needs psychiatrist.He is at risk of commiting suicide.You have to support him.

I have suggested that but he is very sceptical of it. He thinks he doesnt need one. And also I don't know where /if there are polish speaking psychiatristst in Norway. I do know of one polish doctor though, maybe I could contact her to see if she knows.

have you told him of your feelings? or are you scared this will ruin the friendship you have now?


thats a battle you cant win, only he can make this decision .. maybe if he knows the truth about your feelings his world might not cave in on him as he sees you as just a friend, but maybe a little tougher love towards him might bring him out of it and realize he doesnt want to lose another person in his life he cares deeply about and who cares the same for him.

pills and medications and drinking isnt going to take away the realization of what happened, he has to deal with it.. hes drowning himself in self pity and its time to open up the straight talk and lay it down and let him know how you feel and what hes doing to himself and that if hes willing to help you help him fine..

his heart will mend, but he has to let it mend, hes keeping himself in the past .

I've been there, done that. Don't waist your time asking him anything. Standard answer is "I don't know". He needs to help himself first than you can help. Basically if he will stay on the pills for at least a year there is a hope. If not-you are wasting your time. No amount of loving him and assuring him will help; it will be never enough. Chances are he will stay this way for good with an option of alcoholism later on. Run, girl.

Thanks!

Well, he does know. We had alot of time to talk when we were in Poland this summer so it's no secrets between us. Thats why I'm stilll sticking it out too I suppose. We had many honest talks and I know he cares deeply for me. He said that he feels God took his ex wife away and gave him me instead.

I have told him all of this also, about the drinking etc. And I'm not the only one. His brother is back form Poland and has said the same thing to him. His broter and I have talked about it between us, but it doesnt do any good what we say as long as he doesnt want to see it himself. But he is not a stupid boy, cause he knows it's true, we have talked about it. It just seems like he knows it's true but is unable/unwilling to do anything about it.

I told him on the phone earlier this evening that I can't understand why he chooses to be stuck like this and he says he doesn't want to talk about it..

And yes, it is very true, I can't help him until he wants he help. But it's so frustrating to stand by and watch him destroy himself..:(

He needs to know once and for all that there is no way back, it is over between him and his ex.

He is hanging on to something that will never be.

Once he has actually got the message and absorbed it... then you can move on together and forget the pills.

(If she were to petition for divorce then it might begin to sink in).

They are legallly seperated, she wanted that and they were in Poland earlier this year and signed papers. But I dunno if she wants a divorce or not, they dont speak. Well, he tried for a while but she was not interrested. She is still with the guy she left him for. Friends have seen them together (Oslo is quite a small city) and his best friends wife is friends with his ex.

It's just like you say, he is clinging to the past with his teeth, and all along knowing she doenst want to come back..

is this like his first love? cause those are really hard to get over.

I would distance myself from him if I were you for a while. your enabling him
by talking about the very thing you shouldnt be talking about her, but you and him.. she shouldnt even come into the conversation.. you feel sorry for him hes going to keep feeling the same ( sorry for himself ).

he works long hours, so he tells you to bury the feelings he has for her, this isnt healthy thinking. hes basically telling you I dont want to give up on my own so I will use whatever means drinking, work, drowning in something to get her off his mind, but reality is, hes not faced the truth of why she left him and thats whats preventing him from moving on.he has to accept that the marriage wasnt meant to be and if he believes in god and believes in real love he will stop worrying about why she did it and let his heart open up to a new life with you.

and you need to be a lot more firm.. sometimes with some hope, if he realizes he could lose twice, they wake up .. I dont really know what else to tell you , hes the one ultimately that needs to do something.. I give you alot of credit, your situation reminds me of me, except my husband wasnt married.

let me only say this, I let him go, and although we were friends, I loved him silently and the real blow was when he dated one of my friends ( which I warned him about).. after a week the lesson was learned, I kept loving him silently, and even his best friend knew, and asked why, I said I dont know, I just do. and one chance moment we went camping together with mutual friends.. the spark lit up again.. few months later we got together.. I didnt force the spark, it just happened , even though it was always there for me, it was like a awakened dream and I slapped myself a few times to see if it was a dream, but it was real :)

anyways. I hope the best. maybe a step back for a few and let him come to you.
he knows you care, the rest is up to him.

nice :)


great advice...

Patrycja19:
Thanks alot! That was a nice post and it made me think:)
I will step back for a while I think and see what happens. If it's meant to be it will be. And nice story about you and your husband!

Thanks everybody for replying!

It's all because we are such a romantic souls. While you away from him have a look in to a literature of Polish Romanticizm and you will understand. It's in our blood :)

Ok, Polish doctors scare the bejesus out of me! Their solution to any and every problem is pills. In the case of depression pills can be helpfull, but treatment for depression is most affective by going to a psychologist for some "talk therapy" while taking anti-depressents. I got all this from my buddies old man who is a psychologist.

I'm not sure I understand you? (sorry, english is not my first language!)

polishcanuck: I agree with you, he definetly should go talk to someone, a proffesional, but finding a polish therapist in Oslo is proving to be a bit difficoult..!

How come he took you to Poland? Did you both treat it like a holiday and nothing serious or he maybe wanted to take you as your new partner. Did you meet his friends/parents? What has he told to them? I think that's important information needed to understand what your feet stand on.

Well, he asked me if I wanted to go with him and I said yes. We stayed with his parents, in seperate rooms ofcourse (they are very religious). I was introduced as a very good friend and they were incredebly (sp?) sweet and nice to me. His mother gave me presents and told me to please come back to visit when I left. I really liked them!

He has a flat also in the same town where we spent alot of time, just the two of us, no questions asked.
Imo they all knew what was going on and although they dont approve of sexual relations outside marriage they were just happy that he was happy..

I'm sorry to say but if he's got no balls to say to his parents he's in a relationship with you, then either he's not going to forget of his ex, either he's using you for sex and having no feelings for. That's what I think though, I might be wrong, you never can be sure not even knowing the person... I would advice you to simply ask him who are you for him and if what you both have has any future. There's no point in fooling yourself and waiting for a miracle. Talk to him and will find out. Hopefully I'm wrong :) Good luck x

Right now we are at the very good friends having sex stage. And I have brought it up and we have argued and cried about it (both of us crying actually;) and he always says we don't know what will happen in the future, don't worry don't think about it etc. etc. The biggest problem, and this he admits himself, is that right now he is basiaccly **** scared of everything. Even living it seems. And maybe I'm naive but I know he cares about me. I do hope your wrong! Thanks for the advise:)

I can see why he feels that way. You're there for him emotionally and physically no matter how bad he treats you. You're worrying about him, giving him attention, crying over him. Who wouldn't feel like you're a gift from God? Why do you focus so much on him and ignore yourself? This whole story is all about him and his needs. What about you? Don't you think you matter at all?

Unfortunately, this is true. If you are too nice to someone they WILL lose respect for you. It doesnt matter how great you are. If you do not show pride and self respect by telling somoene off when they treat you poorly then they will not respect you. No respect = little REAL interest.

No real men want a pushover.

Patrycja
I find myself in a similar situation..... how did you get by loving him silently?, I have not forced anything, I am allowing him to do what he needs but it hurts that I can see the spark has not died between us,there is so much love between us.... but the timing is all wrong... I am patient and believe that good things come to those who wait. I am just happy to read your comment as I have been criticized so much for my choice by people who are supposed to be my friends.

and no real women wants a ball-less man ...