Hi, I am new here ... and this is a long one. apologies. I just need to get this out...
... and in need some good advice.
I'm having a relationship with a Polish woman, we are both in the UK. We have been together for two months. It has been a very intense relationship. It's good, it's great in fact, the best thing to happen to me in years. She is everything I could wish for and we are in love with each other... we have said so to each other. We see each other every day, every chance we can.
The problem is, and it is a big problem. She is not single. We know we shouldn't have, it was both of us who wanted each other and it happened. This is the situation we are in and I don't know what to do about it. She is living with her boyfriend. She stays with him because it is secure and safe and lessens the chances of having to go back to Poland. She is happy in the UK and wants to stay, this home to her now. Her boyfriend is the reason she is here, although she is very much part of the Polish community, she doesn't want this 'safety net' to disappear. If we were to be together, and that could mean living together, she says she fears things ending between us and having to leave the UK. I can't predict the future, and I don't know how things will be... I don't know what to say to her about this. It's still early on in our relationship.
I know it's wrong, but relationships are not always kept in tidy little boxes, emotions come into play and at the moment mine are being pushed and pulled in so many directions, I don't know where to turn. When she leaves to go home, I miss her every breath. When we are together, it's wonderful. We have discovered so much about each other that we like. It's the most amazing relationship I have ever had. And I don't say that lightly.
Am I wasting my time? Do I keep waiting and hoping for things to change? Do I say 'him or me' ? I know in the end I'll have to do something to change what is happening, either way, but I'd really like some other opinions and advice....
She may be waiting to see how serious you are, how long you'll stay with her. Most women know that the relationship changes after 6 months or a year as things cool. She doesn't want to give up a sure thing with her current boyfriend if your relationship fizzles.
If you really want her, show her that you love her, stick with her, make a commitment, buy a ring. Show her you're serious!
It's good, it's great in fact, the best thing to happen to me in years
The problem is, and it is a big problem. She is not single
a non single women is the best thing thats happened to you, how freakin sad.
Am I wasting my time? Do I keep waiting and hoping for things to change
so do you think a women who is cheating on her boyfriend is going to change? get real, even if she did shack up with you, it wouldnt be long before shes sneaking around with somebody else.
Her boyfriend is the reason she is here, although she is very much part of the Polish community, she doesn't want this 'safety net' to disappear.
She is not a nice person. She is playing games with you and him. Are you sure you want to give more of your heart and time to a person like her? All of her nice words do not change what she is underneath it all. She will probably hurt you in the end.
get real, even if she did shack up with you, it wouldnt be long before shes sneaking around with somebody else.
True.. hardcore!!!!!
I bet all she wants is a threesome ;) Mcog, let her go for good, before you get more attach to her then it gets harder. Think about it this way... if you two end up getting marry what are you going to tell your future children? "Your mom and I were dating while she was living with this other dude she ****ed every night but every evening she ****** me too :D" If she had good intentions with you, she wouldn't be living and dating this other dude by now!!!!
best wishes & don't get sad, there are lots of good girls out there ;)
thanks for all the advice... It is sometimes easier to get honesty from those who are not close to you. I really, truly appreciate them, and there is a lot of honest comments!
A lot of it is so perfectly true, and I knew it, just couldn't clear my head enough to think about it. It's all so wrong and nothing will change. I agree.
This is a situation I have seen a couple of times with my friends.
Its not right but... (I'll have to use my friends as the example here)
The bf's came here first and the gf's soon followed because the bf's were lonely here on their own, with no family and the gf's wanted a new life (not to mention the mutual distrust of living in different countries, etc, etc)
But as time goes on they start getting sick of each other. In this case they are living in a small room in a shared house, on top of each other 24/7 (not literally... ok well, maybe for the first few months!)
Anyway, once the novelty of living together has worn off they have a predicament. If the bf splits up, then he will be abandoning the gf in a foreign country and how will she fend for herself (this is exactly the situation one of my friends has) etc etc. The bf also thinks the gf might want to leave but is waiting to meet someone new who will care for her and make sure she is ok.
So the long and the short of it is they stay together out of fear and convenience.
So... although mcog's situation isn't good and cheating shouldn't be condoned, I can see the other side of it. Maybe this girl is genuinely scared, but has fallen in love with mcog?
Oh and by the way, my husband had an affair and run off in the night with a younger version, after 10yrs of marriage, so I know all about infidelity!
the young polish people who come here seem to get carried away with the romance of ita all. only few and far between seem to stay with their english lover
I was in a similiar situation last yr....its all bad news....as lowfunk99 stated...CHEATERS CHEAT!.....she will eventually repeat her history, when things get Funky...
I think you need to think about what it is YOU want out of it. She could be playing you or she could genuinely care for you, but be fearful of leaving her bf because of repercussions from him, their families and the Polish community that they now belong to..He may also be pretty angry if she does and come looking for you! The reason she is giving you about being financially dependent upon him is not a viable one, if she has other friends here and is able to get even a low paid job then she can surive without him. If she falls in love with you then she will leave him for you no matter what, but it may be too early to tell yet. I dont believe the theory that everyone who cheats on their ex will neccessarily cheat again as all relationships are different. I have been in a similar position and it all worked out fine in the end, but it wasnt easy.
I dont believe the theory that everyone who cheats on their ex will neccessarily cheat again as all relationships are different. I have been in a similar position and it all worked out fine in the end, but it wasnt easy.
if you look up the statistics they clearly point to the fact if they have strayed before, they will do it again.
look them up where??? do you not think that people can learn by their past mistakes and genuinely change their ways?also the reasons that they cheat on one person dont neccessarily apply to another relationship. (e.g.) you might cheat cos you were being cheated on. Anyone can cheat (or not) and whether or not they have done it before is irrelevant (imo anyway)
if she doesnt respect the guy she is currently with than who is to say she will respect anyone else? im a girl myself and i even admit to that.
why cant she be honest with the guy? if they both mutually are falling away from each other, than it wont be a big deal to still support and help each other till each one is on their own feet. if it isnt mutual between the two of them than you shouldnt get involved anyways. its their business not yours.
the best thing you could do is release her to take care of her present situation.
do you not think that people can learn by their past mistakes and genuinely change their ways
people can learn from mistakes if they view the act as a mistake. if a person cheats once, its alot easier to do it again a women once told me and i totally believe that.
if she doesnt respect the guy she is currently with than who is to say she will respect anyone else
if she doesnt respect the guy she is currently with than who is to say she will respect anyone else....why cant she be honest with the guy?
Exactly! Cheaters. imho, are self-absorbed children with no regard or respect for others....they are indulging their own impulses, no matter who they might hurt.
A friend of mine just found out her spouse was having an affair with a mutual "friend" of theirs....talk about lowlife scum....and the kicker is he was always accusing her of cheating....what a pig!
