Polish Girlfriend gone missing

You don't know some women here, mysterious disappearances an all. There really isn't much gratitude in a lot of the girls here. It's like, life's harsh so screw you pal. I have a certain type in mind, they are prevalent here but my view really isn't that dim overall. You meet such types everywhere.

I suppose, to a lesser extent, my ex just sent me an e-mail basically just saying that she was happier back home and just wanted to be friends after I have moved country and changed my life and took a HUGE pay cut to be with her. No remorse, no nothing, just looking out for number 1.

At least I still get texts from time to time asking how I am and meeting up from time to time when she is in town.

Yeah, hedonism runs rife. I've learned that some girls will treat you as a convenience. Sometimes the truth comes out that they feel angry that you are a man. I've actually heard it several times.

Cover your bases and keep your eyes peeled. You have to be cruel to be kind.

It's a sair fecht fir a half loaf

The feel angry because you are a man? That confuses me?

I have heard that british men are often a lot more sensitive than Polish men and so I can see what you mean about being treated as a convenience. Kind of something nice before going back to what you know?

I think maybe people are getting ahead of themselves.

ted_no7 is anxious because he's operating on anglosaxon time. Things happen on a different schedule in Poland (where things can just stop for periods of time) and it honestly might not have occurred to the girl that he's as worried as he is (or she might be working through her own difficulties and needing to pay full attention to that).

She had a chest infection in a hypochondriac country, being in the hospital isn't necessarily that sinister. Again Polish convalescent time is a lot longer than anything you'll find in the UK.

In contacting student rep or coordinator or whoever at the university. The point is not to ask for information but if they can deliver a message if they see her. The point is not seem like a stalker or obsessed creep. Acting as an intermediary isn't anything unusual IME. "Please, tell her I'm concerned, here's my contact info in case she's lost it".

Given all that, yes, there are some Polish women (and men) who'll just dump a partner cold out of the blue but usually they give themselves away earlier if you pay attention and some people prefer to avoid scenes and just hope the other person will catch on that they got a free ticket to dumpsville. But again, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

My idea is that showing up in Tarnow will probably be either pointless or cause more problems than it will solve. Make sure it's easy to get into touch with you and hope for the best.

That seems to be about right. There is a lot of traditional conservatism here, you know, keep it Polish in the long run.

Yeah, they resent that you have all the privileges of a male, in their eyes anyway.

That's actually really good, I like that idea a lot. It does put the ball in her court and, although the waiting will be hard, it means that after a while he knows that she has the means of getting in touch and hasn't and the chance is gone.

As for the hypochondriac issue...I am going to start another thread.

"If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don’t have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don’t have love, I am nothing. 3 If I dole out all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but don’t have love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, 5 doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; 6 doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part; 10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with. 11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, and love remain—these three. The greatest of these is love. "1Kor 13; 1−13

This whole story doesn't make sense. It sounds like she was a summer romance. She wanted to stay with you but you told her to go back to Poland so she did. You visited her 2 weeks ago and now she's no longer in touch with you. But it's not a small town so it's possible for her to find a way to contact you without her parents knowing.

Personally, I think she has decided that it's over between the two of you because there's no future for you but you're thinking that your relationship was more serious. If she really loves you, she'll do everything in her power to contact you. But I think she's using her parents as an excuse to end things.

You should just wait and see what happens. Her sister already said she's out of the hospital, so she's fine. You'll only make things worse for yourself if you hunt her down.

good points girl...

Hmm, no I think it's more than this. A summer romance ends after summer. Maybe it takes one or two weeks but not into December when all other aspects of life have moved on.


This was not the only visit though, as you'll have noted, there have been four (five?) since then.


That's actually a very good point. In Poland Doctors are not like in the UK, they don't have a rush to get your out of their surgeries, they actually want to help you. So they might suggest to go to hospital for something they aren't sure of. Then if you are ill, yes some time to get better you head back to the family.

Send her a letter and do something smart like type the envelope so no one recognises the writing on the envelope.

May I ask? Does her Father speak English? If so you may want to write or attempt to speak to him and explain that you are extremely worried for her and only want to know that she is OK and as far as romantic interest goes you fully intend on spending the rest of your life with her, if that is what she want.

Got to agree entirely with all of that.


While I agree with that, being obviously single in Tarnow would have advantages: there'd probably be a long queue of young ladies all hoping to be taken away from that s--hole by a single Englishman.

forget about her , find a nice british lady ,but first kill the father of your ex

But surely eliminating the father from the equation would solve that problem and he wouln't need to find a nice british lady. Sure the fact you killed her dad might cause an argument or two...but that will be put down to friendly banter in a few years.

No, her father does'nt speak English, besides I really don't think I'm going to get any kind of positive response from him.

I've asked myself the same questions about whether it was over or as you say a prolonged summer romance, but it does'nt ring true. I know sometimes a person can be blind to what's happening in a relationship but I can't remember or identify any signs.

I've been to Krakow 3 times since the summer (4 times if you include last weekend when she'd gone) and she spent a long week here in early November (we even went to Paris for a really special weekend). As mentioned before we had plans (New Year, my niece christening, short holiday to Spain in the spring), more flights booked to and fro Krakow and we constantly talked about her living and working here in 'our flat' next summer once she finished Uni.

A usual day would be text in the morning (she was always up earlier than me because of the hour's difference and lessons starting at 8am), I'd call her from work at lunch, then skype in the evening (or we'd call eachother if we were out in the evening).....this was going on right up to when she went into hospital back in Tarnow.

I'm still trying to find ways to contact her or find infomation - with the help of some very kind people. The sound advice on here is not rushing to her parent's front door but trying to make sure she know's how to contact me and that I'm there for her. Yes patience and maybe waiting for her to get in touch, but there's that worry that something serious is going on and I should be there for her plus the heartbreak (this was meant to be a special christmas for the both of us).

I did'nt tell her to go back to Poland but we did talk about how important finishing Uni was - she's a really clever girl and had obviously worked hard for the opportunity (harder than what I did when I was at Uni)...she knew this too even when it was difficult parting.

thanks for all the kind messages of concern, advice and support.....it's really helped

Well assuming that he finds his girlfriend and she wants to continue the relationship it would make more sense (for all concerned) for him to try to win the rest of the family over (the father may be a lost cause he might just be overprotective or his buttons might be easily pushed).

Learning some Polish and learning how to behave in Poland (that is making some effort to conform to local norms when he's in Poland rather than the usually disastrous tactic of 'just be yourself') if and when he meets them will go a long way to convincing them that he's serious and worthwhile.

It does seem that there is a lot more to this situation than meets the eye. From my personal experience I know I was totally blind to the signs and ignored them and came to Krakow anyway which ended 2 weeks later but looking back I really should have known it was coming.

I can see why this is so troubling for you because, above all else, you are concerned over her safety. How long exactly has she been out of contact for? If it's a chest infection surely 2 weeks would be maximum recouperation time?

I definately wouldn't give up. I would pass on your contact details to the Uni Rep people and make sure she always has a way of contacting you.

Just keep your head up and hope this is just a wee hiccup.

Umm... I dunno... be patient?

cheers Cardno85, sounds like you've been through an awful lot too.

it will be 3 weeks on Monday since I left her in Krakow. the last message from her was the day after on Tues 25 Nov "I love you so much:) we had a great weekend. I'm at work now will rabbit you later. Have a nice day kocham cie!" This is when I think she went into hospital as I got a message from her sister on my gf's phone on the Wed saying that my gf had gone into hospital. Follwed by another text that she was going home from hospital on the Friday (2 weeks tomo) but also telling me about her parent's having the phone and were angry about me......I dread to think if her parents found those text messages her sister had sent.

The priority is to just know my gf is safe and well and not having a real rough time of it at home

To be honest mate I was just stupid. I ignored too many signs and didn't see that it was obvious that it wasn't gonna last. Things that should have been obvious like her friend telling me before I left that my ex didn't want me to go to Krakow, the fact that before I arrived she only viewed one flat in Krakow, the fact that when I found somewhere that we could stay for a month while we found something else she snapped that up and got me a ticket home "incase" things didn't work out. Looking at it now it was really obvious and I should never have come. But hey, love blinds you at times.

2 weeks after going home from the hospital is a long time for a recovery. But you need to keep in mind, as people have said, the issue that people like to take a long recouperation period here. What we might see as a chest infection that would mean a week in bed tops would probably warrant pnumonia like treatment here.

Also keep in mind that the parents now have her phone. That automatically cuts off a major line of communication they are probably also not letting her use the internet...and if she is they will be watching closely. I think it would be important to make sure the Uni people have contact details to pass on. It would be nice to think people could still remember phone numbers off by heart but it really doesn't happen any more...so if she got your phone number from uni she would be in touch.

Obviously I know your priorities. You would rather know it was over and she was ok than just not knowing...it's the not knowing that kills you. Trust me, I know the feeling.

As I say though, don't lose hope, send another e-mail with your phone number and all contact details (even postal adress so she can send a letter if that's the only way) and tell her how worried you are (you have probably done this already). Then take the uni rep advice, if you can find her class rep or someone she knows at uni that would be really good...someone that could tell you what the script is a bit better.

I'm sure it will work out buddy, don't get too beat up just yet. Stay positive. Hopefully, I will catch up with you and the missus in Krakow for a wee Zywiec around Christmas time!

Based on what you wrote, you weren't blinded, you were in a coma.

To ted-70: Two weeks recuperation doesn't sound at all excessive to me (by Polish standards ) and I'd go further. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't go back to the unversity until January.

Not much happens at the university just before Christmas and I can easily imagine a Polish student (even one with with a not-great home situation) not wanting to make the commute to Cracow for just a week of classes (I know from experience most students will skip the 21st and 22nd) and then try to beat the travelling hordes closer to the holiday.

So I'd put off serious searching until classes start back up in January.

But ... if you haven't heard anything by then, make sure you're available on New Year's Eve. She'll probably go to a party at friends then and that might be the best time for her to try to make contact. You don't want to miss a call because your phone's turned off or you can't hear it.

I am interested in this statement and would be grateful if you could elaborate upon this. What are the basic differences and expectations between the British and Polish when covering the situation of "keeping in touch".

The reason I ask it that when I lived in Krakow, I had a great friend, we still keep in touch but not as regularly as we did a year ago. When I go back, its just like old times but she can go almost 1 or 2 months without contact. It seems that the longer you know the person the less frequent the communication becomes. Is this a Polish thing, that you feel that when you know someone well you do not have to contact them as regular as you used to. It's almost total reverse to the British friendship situation.

It just always feels like I am making the effort. Any thoughts would be great.

The keeping in touch thing is less Polish than just human gravity which works in strange ways. I remember a friend who saw her Warsaw friends more frequently when she lived in Krakow, when she moved to Warsaw she hardly saw them at all.

There are also individual differences, I tend to have hermit inclinations and Polish friends have complained that I don't make enough effort to keep in touch (and I usually think I have to have some special news to make contact, which is dumb, but ....)

By time working differently I meant that while anglo-saxon time flows on pretty evenly, but time is irregular in Poland, long stretches of nothing happening and then a lot of activity crammed into a short period (kind of like a bus stop where you wait for 20 minutes and then three buses show up at the same time).

And services of various kinds can just sort of stop for shorter or longer periods of time and people either work around it or put whatever it is on hold.

Did she hide you from her parents? Did they know about your relationship and her future plans with you?

She did'nt at first, even shared chocolates and english tea I had brought on my first visit to Krakow. I think her parents thought it would'nt last - there were some pretty bizarre comments about me being not only a foreigner but a protestant of all things (I'm not even a regular church goer!).

I think the more they realised we were pretty serious about eachother, the more unhappy they got with it. Her dad went ballistic when we went to Paris together - apparently it was too romantic, which was kind of the point of going.

My gf eventually had no other choice but to keep quiet, especially when I was visiting Krakow - her parents knew though.

I do respect him as the father of my gf and yes can understand why he would be weary of an foreigner seeing his daughter but I doubt he would ever accept my intentions are honourable.

Saying this, I don't think even if it is him that's creating this mess he has any right to dictate her or my life.

Are they?

I still say that your long term goal should be to neutralize the hostility (if not win them over). Learn some Polish, learn how to behave if and when you're introduced etc

Also, when you find out something (for good or ill) you need to post it here, we will want closure on this thing too.

this is horrible, i do wish you all the best and will be thinking of you as i will be going to my hubbys in two weeks which is a village 15km from tarnow...its beautiful country, most important thing is that she is ok and that you can at least find out whats going on ...

good luck

Believe me I would be on total best behaviour if I was ever introduced. I'm pretty well travelled and very observant and sensitive to local customs (my sister-in-law is Japanese and that is a totally different culture).

I was going to enroll at nightschool next year for Polish language - I know it's so important.

Her parents are not regular church goers but there is history there and they seem to do the grave visits most weekends. I'm not sure if it's a major issue me not being catholic but it's certainly another thing to throw at my gf.

Yes of course, any news I'll share - hopefully it's the good kind but even if it's not I still will. I want to be together with my gf again but if it's worse case scenario I need closure on this too - the worry is driving me crazy and the thought of her being unhappy or in a nightmare situation because of me is heartbreaking.

it most likely is.

also if you're anything but white, that surely could be an issue too.

Yeah, we are Catholic but we don't even know what that means, super. They are likely that type.