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Polish Girlfriend gone missing

ted_no7 1 | 14  
10 Dec 2008 /  #1
Ok, will try and keep this short.....
I met a lovely Polish girl during the summer here in London and we ended up living together at my place. She went back to Uni at Krakow in September - not easy but we made plans, booked flights (I've been to Krakow three times / she back here once), made good use of Skype (web-cam calls nearly every night), plus calls and texts during the day.

All still going ok and we were making it work, except for occasional trouble with her parents. Basically her parents were not happy of her seeing me - her father saying stuff about relationships with foreigners never work along with the language barrier (even though her English is pretty fluent and we've never had any miscommunication problems). Most disturbing was one row she had when she went back home one weekend when her father was telling her that she shouldn't be at Uni, her mum was married at her age etc.....ok he may have associated her being at Uni to the 'English boyfriend' problem. Not a great situation but again we were happy, in love, and willing to make it work.

I last saw or heard from my girl over 2 weeks ago, the day I flew back back from Krakow. The only news I've had is 2 text messages sent from her sister using my girlfriend's phone -

1. she was in hospital back in her home town (she did have a nasty chest infection when I was there), that she loved me and would call in the afternoon (which she didn't).

2. A few days later her sister text me again that she was coming home from hospital but her parents had her phone and were angry about me.

The phone is now permanently switched off and she has not been on Skype or replied to any of emails either.
Apart from the heartbreak I'm worried sick that something serious had happened to her - I think I got to know her well enough that if she didn't want to see me anymore she'd at least tell me. I started to try and phone and text one of her friends who I had a contact number for but with no success.

Last weekend I flew back to Krakow (the flights were already booked for one of our planned weekends together) and went to her flat only to find the Landlord redecorating the room and all my girl's stuff gone. So I again tried to ring her friend to try and find out what's going on - minutes later I received a text from this friend basically saying that what was happening between me and my girlfriend was none of her business and to stop trying to call her. All adding up to one of the most difficult and confusing situations I've ever been in - Krakow wasn't the happy place it had been before that weekend.

So someone I love and care for has disappeared and I don't know why. I'm extremely worried that she's either ill or possibly pregnant (as my friends here in England all seem to jump straight to that conclusion) or her father has taken her out of Uni and she's having major troubles at home. If she met somebody else or simply didn't want to see me anymore (though we were closer than ever during that weekend and I didn't pick up any bad vibes) I just can't understand why she or her friend wouldn't just say so and quickly put a halt to me trying to make contact.....also this doesn't add up with the messages from her sister.

I'm trying a few other leads and basically preparing myself for a trip to her home town near Krakow to try and find her but obviously weary of any trouble this might cause......the last thing I want is for my girlfriend to be coerced to leaving Uni and god knows what trouble at home. But I don't think I can rest until I know that she's ok and understand what's happened to her.

Any advice or assistance would be appreciated.
dcchris 8 | 432  
10 Dec 2008 /  #2
sorry to hear this one. its probably her father taking control of the situation would be my guess. sounds like she is ill and staying with her parents. she will most likely contact you when she is better. maybe you can get some information from her sister somehow
loco polaco 3 | 352  
10 Dec 2008 /  #3
hmmm.. that sucks but i'd ask that friend, who blew you off, wtf is going on as you are out of the loop. tell her it's not an issue with you and the g/f but you're worried since last you heard she was at the hospital and all that..

do you not have sister's number/s?

as much as it may seem the thing to do, to go to her parent's town, i'd be very weary of just showing up especially since her father is already a loose cannon.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #4
Shit mate, that's a horrible situation to be in. I don't know what words or advice I could offer other than the steps you are already taking.

Basically if you love her then I would go to her hometown, if for nothing more than to get some sort of closure. How big is the town? You might want to bring a picture and ask around the town centre if anyone knows her. If you know what classes she is taking at University then I would go there and ask her professors about anything strange like her suddenly dropping out.

I wouldn't give up on this, it seems like outside forces working against you two. Sadly those outside forces were too much for my ex it seemed but it doesn't sound like she wants them to if it wasn't for the sake of the hospital visit.

Definately go to the hometown. Maybe go to one of the language schools in Krakow and explain your story and ask if anyone would be willing to travel with you and help translate. I realise that's a big ask, but I have found a lot of the students to be extremely nice and I'm sure, after hearing the story there will be someone happy to help. If it's a small town they probably won't speak much english so it will be handy to have a Polish speaker with you.

Best of luck mate, let us know how it goes.
Krakowianka 1 | 243  
10 Dec 2008 /  #5
I'd go back to the flat, and ask the landlord what happened. If she suddenly moved out, I'm sure she would have to give an explanation.

Does she have a account? You could see her list of friends/family, maybe try emailing to see if you hear anything back about what's going on.

I think its very caring of you to go to her home town to see what happened. Even if her father wasn't approving (be prepared for whatever reaction he may have), at least you'd know the truth and can come to closure.

Sorry about your situation :(
Seanus 15 | 19,706  
10 Dec 2008 /  #6
Sometimes, patience is a virtue. Give it a bit longer and see if she gets back to you. People have a habit of writing when you least expect it. You have likely signalled your intent on many occasions, so the ball is now in her court. She is likely getting used to the idea of parental rejection, winning trust takes time. Don't give up the ghost, hang fire but keep hope.
10 Dec 2008 /  #7
Was this before or after peter tobin was arrested. ?
OP ted_no7 1 | 14  
10 Dec 2008 /  #8
thanks for the fast replies, I'm going crazy with worry about her and this helps

I think it is her father too, he's a real angry guy at times - there were times when me and my gf were on Skype when she was at home and he was shouting the roof down with her mum, her and her sister. There are other things about him that I can't discuss on the web.

Her sister is 14 and I fear she may have already got into trouble for those texts she sent me from the 'confiscated phone'. I have texted her a few times and tried to call but no response and I'm not going to push it any further as she's only 14 and does'nt deserve to be involved in this.

Her friend ignoring my calls and then being really short with me is what worries me the most. My gf did say in a polite way that this friend was a bit aggresive especially with men, but I was pleading with her just to tell me anything she can even if it was just that my gf was ok after hospital. I was going to give it a week then contact this friend again and be firm with her but she holds all the cards as they say.

It's ironic that my gf would have quite easily stayed here in the UK always half-joking about it, but I encouraged her that finishing her degree was so important which she knew anyway. Now, I would do anything for her to be here right now safe in my arms. I just can't believe this is happening, right before christmas too - she was coming here for New Year and also to meet my family at my niece's christening. It really is heartbreaking. This is why I'd do anything and even knowing the trouble it might cause I will probably end up going to her home town.
Lotnik767 3 | 145  
10 Dec 2008 /  #9
This really sucks man and I wish you best of luck! But the best thing is to go to her hometown and make sure every thing is all right. If she doesn’t want to see you then she will probably let you know there unless her dad tided her down in a basement. Also ask the police in Poland if they could help you in any way (good luck with that) but don’t give up until you have all your answers answered!
Cheery 10 | 126  
10 Dec 2008 /  #10
Polish dads are cranky old fools.
OP ted_no7 1 | 14  
10 Dec 2008 /  #11
I'd go back to the flat, and ask the landlord what happened. If she suddenly moved out, I'm sure she would have to give an explanation.

Does she have a account? You could see her list of friends/family, maybe try emailing to see if you hear anything back about what's going on.

Her landlord does'nt live at the location, but one of her flatmates who I never did meet as she goes home at weekends speaks English and I've wrote her a letter asking for any news on what's happened.

I'm about to try, her sister is on there as my gf once showed me but I don't think my gf is - anyway I'm going to give it a try.

But going back to my gf not replying to my emails I'm wondering is neither of them can access the home computer.

her home town is Tarnow - not small, plus I don't know her parent's address apart from that it's a bloc 5mins from the centre.

knowing my luck I'll end up showing my girlfriend's photo to her father
Wroclaw 44 | 5,384  
10 Dec 2008 /  #12

It's a waste of time going back.

You knock on the door, say can I speak to xxxxxx. And father says she's not here.
That is the end of the conversation and a waste of a trip.

The best way is to wait a little longer, but while you are waiting check other avenues. nasza klasa, myspace etc will yield information. It's possible that you could leave information at one of these sites.

Have someone else phone or (you) use a different phone. The landline must be working. But give it a few days first.

I tend to agree with others here. But with the exception of banging on the door. It might show you care, but I doubt it will get a result.

And don't think of stalking her sister just to get info. It will make you look a right pratt

edit: I mean don't hope to bump into her.
OP ted_no7 1 | 14  
10 Dec 2008 /  #13
Woclaw, thanks and agreed, the last thing I want to do is to make the situation worse even if I still don't really know what's gone on

I don't have the landline number, not sure if they have one to be honest as the whole family had their own cell phones
mafketis 35 | 11,494  
10 Dec 2008 /  #14
First, this sounds like a tough situation and you have my sympathy.

Second, my advice would be to be patient and hold off for a while and to _not_ go to her home town until you have more info.

You say she was in the hospital. IME many Polish people think of getting over an illness as a fulltime job that requires all their concentration so it's easy to imagine that until she feels healthy again she's putting everything else on hold (and doesn't need the trauma of you showing up unannounced).

You should know what and where she's studying so I'd check with her university. You might try by telephone but you'd need a Polish person to make the calls as there's no guarantee that the staff have enough English to deal with a native speaker over the phone. That said, checking in the administrative offices is probably a waste of time as they don't keep much in the way of records about individual students.

If you do come to Poland go there in person and ask around a little. Approach students in mixed groups (less creepy) with her picture until you find someone who knows her. You might try to find her schedule and talk with a teacher.

Alternately you might try to find either the starosta roku (sort of a student representitive for the class) or the opiekun roku (a teacher charged with a particular class through which they're supposed to deal things like sick leave) and see if they know anything (or if they can give her a message when she returns).

Good luck.
10 Dec 2008 /  #15
sorry to hear that, ted_no7... i'll double the advices about being patient... good luck...
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #16
If you do come to Poland go there in person and ask around a little. Approach students in mixed groups (less creepy) with her picture until you find someone who knows her. You might try to find her schedule and talk with a teacher.
Alternately you might try to find either the starosta roku (sort of a student representitive for the class) or the opiekun roku (a teacher charged with a particular class through which they're supposed to deal things like sick leave) and see if they know anything (or if they can give her a message when she returns).

Sterling advice there. Do that. Although if you don't know the subject and university it could be a struggle. There are a lot of Universities/Colleges/etc in Krakow. If you know the University then you can ask at the main office. If you only know the subject then it's a case of trawling round the Universities asking in eery department that covers that. If I am off work I would be happy to trawl round with you, my Polish isn't that great, but it gives you someone to vent to. Just send me a PM or something.

Again, best of luck.
OP ted_no7 1 | 14  
10 Dec 2008 /  #17
thanks, I know her course, uni and she had lessons starting at 8am Mon - Wed - but her lessons seemed to take place in buildings all over the Uni district of Krakow.

I did email the Admin Office over a week ago, but no reply which is'nt perhaps unexpected as my Polish is zilch. I might try and contact the subject teacher and this student rep though.
Krakowianka 1 | 243  
10 Dec 2008 /  #18
I may be able to help you out in Tarnow, let me know via PM.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #19
Try e-mailing those folk. If that yields no reply then just turn up at the main university building when you arrive and ask to speak to an English speaking student rep person. Tell them the story and they will be able to help you find out from teachers and students that know her if this is a temporary illness leave or wether she has actually left. If it is the former I would sit tight for a while and hope she gets back in touch somehow once she is all better. If she has left the university completely then it would be time to take more action. It would be at that point that I would be inclined to travel to the home town and hope for the best. Maybe the guys at uni could pull some strings (if they are sympathetic) and get you an adress (or even part of it). I think that's definately the way to go.
Krakowianka 1 | 243  
10 Dec 2008 /  #20
she had lessons starting at 8am Mon - Wed

Not sure if this is a far stretch, but first check out the Uni in Krakow, take Cardno up on his offer help ask around. Then go to the Tarnow train station, its quite small, you wouldn't be able to miss her if she were heading early Monday morning for her 8 am classes.

But if you do end up going to Krakow, Tarnow is a 1.5 hr train ride away. I say try your best on this trip, because I'd advice against going after this try.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #21
I would sadly agree with Krakowianka on this one. Try really hard this trip. As I say if the uni says she has left completely then I would persue things in Tarnow. If she is still going and is on sick leave then I would wait it out for a text (she will have someone at uni who she can borrow a phone from for one text i'm sure) or e-mail (there will be computers there). If there is nothing at all...then sadly I'd have to say to give up and move on. If she wants to be in contact then nothing will stop her in the long run.
10 Dec 2008 /  #22
Nasza klasa would be a very good place to try to make contrct either with her or her sister or her friends.\

tarnow is an utter shit-hole and home to some of the biggest arseholes ever to been described as male humans. Sounds like her dad is one of those.

Good luck.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #23
If the dad has already blocked phones do you not think he might have some sort of internet restriction in place?
Grzegorz_ 51 | 6,161  
10 Dec 2008 /  #24
Mess indeed... in my opinion you should forget about the univ administration, they don't give a damn about individual students and just remove from the list of students these, who don't show up for a few weeks and even If they knew anything, they wouldn't tell you as giving any personal info to 3rd persons is not well seen here and often is treated as a crime. Generally I agree with what Wrocław wrote. And unfortunately looks like a hospital thing could be (illigal here) abortion...
loco polaco 3 | 352  
10 Dec 2008 /  #25

just sometimes?? hmm..

I don't have the landline number

phone book?
10 Dec 2008 /  #26
the police will probably dig her up from under peeter tobins floor board.
Seanus 15 | 19,706  
10 Dec 2008 /  #27
More than occasionally, less than often. Well, ok, maybe often.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #28
So uni admin isn't the way to go. I would say you are being very harsh Grzegorz...but hey, you know more about Polish culture than me. I still think he should try his best to get back in contact through all avenues. Even if it was an abortion...does it seem like it would be her idea or forced into it? To be honest I know you are probably playing devil's advocate, but can you imagine the poor guy being forced to read that when he's obviously worried enough as it is?

Ted...go for it...find her, if she doesn't want to see you she owes it to you to tell you in person. If she does want to see you then you turning up could be just what she needs.
Seanus 15 | 19,706  
10 Dec 2008 /  #29
Greg is probably right here, Cardno. Their reality and our reality can be similar but it's likely different on this one. He knows the Polish voice well does Greg.
Cardno85 31 | 976  
10 Dec 2008 /  #30
I suppose, it just sounds really harsh to me that a girl would just dissapear, get an abortion and drop all contact from a guy that is obviously willing to give up so much for her.

Maybe I am too much of a girlyman.

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