What to do, should I forget her?

A couple of months ago I found myself having a few beers with some friends in a bar in a foreign country. It turned out that one of the waitresses in the bar was Polish and she was more than happy to meet some fellow Poles as where she was she didn't meet many.

To be honest I didn't really notice her to start with beyond the usual pleasantries and the fact that I'm more than happy to chat away in Polish to anybody. I've also been in a relationship for the best part of thirteen years which means I don't really notice other women and I certainly wasn't on the lookout for anyone new, however I did have to agree with my friends that she was pretty darn gorgeous.

So I ordered some beers and food and settled down to watch a football match on the tv without giving another thought to this girl. However everytime she came past she always had a little smile for me or she would catch my eye in quite a flirtatious way, even from across the other side of the room. Now having been in a relationship for as long as I have and never once thinking about straying, it's just not in my nature, I suddenly started to wonder about the signals I was picking up until one of my buddies tapped me on the shoulder and confirmed exactly what I was thinking.

Whenever she had a spare moment she would come over and chat and I now really started to notice her and probably started to flirt with her a little. I told her that I was flying home first thing the next morning and she seemed pretty disappointed but she did tell me that she was finishing work in a couple of hours. My friends and I were due to leave the bar quite soon and I seriously considered cancelling my plans for the night and staying with her but I simply couldn't do it because as I have said infidelity is not my thing and I really could not cheat on my girlfriend waiting for me at home. I decided therefore to walk away content in the knowledge that I've still 'got it' and enjoy the rest of my evening.

Unfortunatley this wasn't so easy and I couldn't get her out of my head, so much so that when I got home the following day I found the bar online and sent an email to her basically thanking her for contributing to a fun night. This failed to draw a responce so I decided to let her know exactly how I felt by sending her a huge bouquet of flowers with a note that left her in no doubt as to how I felt. This also failed to elicit a responce so a week later I phoned the bar and spoke to her. She was polite and friendly but I knew within a few words that she wasn't interested and I can truthfully say that I was heartbroken. My friends couldn't believe this as we were all sure she was seriously interested but there you go it seems we had either read the signals wrong or she had just changed her mind and I had to deal with it and get over it. My only guess is that she does not want a long distance relationship, which is fair enough but being a 'glass half full' kind of guy I believe you can work anything out if you want it enough.

So a couple of months later and she still dominates my thoughts which considering this is from a few snatched minutes chatting in a bar seems totally stupid as well as the fact that I'm a 35 years bloke who has been around the block a few times. It's also highlighted some major shortcomings in my current relationship which I really don't have the enthusiam to sort out as I think they've been left to linger too long and are now so rooted that I don't think I could ever or even want to sort them out.

So the question is what do I do now? I've tried to forget her and move on but I simply can't. My head tells me that that is exactly what I should do whilst my heart is telling me to get on a plane and go and find out exactly how she feels. I'm at a bit of a loss and any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated.

Many thanks and sorry for the long post.

JWB,

This sounds like a mid-life crisis sort of post. If you are bored in your present relationship, do something to cheer it up. Don't waste your time on something that will never be.

The e-mail, flowers and phone call are a form of cheating on your present partner.

You haven't mentioned the bit where you broke up with your long term partner, so I'm assuming you are still with her, despite acknowledging problems you can't be assed to do anything about......why are you still with your curent partner?....keeping her in reserve in case it doesn't work out with the barmaid?


My guess is she found out about your partner and doesn't want to go out with a cheat

Oh, boy.

In my opinion whatever she represents, you are missing in your life, perhaps not even your personal life but life in general. I am just guessing, but if it is so strong, than it has nothing to do with her as a person (it would be quite unrealistic to wanting to be with her, she didn't respond to you, she is not really interested, and leaving your partner would not be very wise).

nothing there, move on

Cheers folks, straight forward, honest and to the point. Precisely what I needed to hear. My sincere thanks.


To a point but this was all after I told my partner everything that happened and we ended up having a blazing row. This despite the fact that I regulary listen to her tell me about the guys who give her their phone number or the conferences she attends and the guys who tell her what hotel room they are staying in.


Actually I was trying not to flush the last 13 years of my life away but the crap I've had to put up with of late on top of many other skeletons that have come rattling out of various closets makes me less inclined to do so.


There was no way for her to find out and anyway I am not a cheat, I simply responded to a jealous outburst, perhaps not in the best way but do we ever in these situations?

I'd say this barmaid was just being very friendly, perhaps she did find you attractive at some level, but we can find someone attractive and appreciate their beauty, inner, outer or both, without needing to act on it. This is something I am only just managing to get my head around, that appreciation does not necessarily equal a necessity for action. Ooh that sounds quite bad now I'm rereading it!! It does very much sound as if this incident has served to force you to assess your current relationship... and decide whether it is worth working on or not.. :0)

If your girlfriend means anything to you... !

I Dont condone. or try to find reason to justifly Cheating..
It doesn't matter how you sugar coat it.

No further discussion needed. :)

yeah,move on in both instances.

i'm sorry, but i don't think it will work....

I agree the other ladies here - view this as a reflection of what you need to change in your life. Sometimes things are sent to you OR past you simply to get you to wake up and make a shift in your life. They are the messenger and nothing more.

Yeah, I'd second what moonmutang is saying. I know for a fact my Polish ex from earlier this year was sent to show me stuff, on reflection of course. At the time you're going through the tough stuff, decision making or whatever, you don't realise it perhaps, but the trick is to stand back and look at whatever is happening to you from outside your own box. Not easy I'll grant you that..

Forget about the barmaid! The sooner the better!!
She might look good but that's nothing. It takes years to really get to know a person. You are in a comfortable relationship, you know each other very well. Here you'll be dealing with an infatuation. You know nothing about her personality, her character, her thoughts. She's a barmaid. She smiles to a lot of guys. Do not jeopardize what you have and seek greener grass on the other side, because there's nothing there. It's not what you think it is, it's only your imagination and infatuation with a pretty smile that captivated your heart. Put all your effort in your current relationship, you will be happier.

so it was some flirting. big deal. you had your chance, had no game, couldn't seal the deal.

forget it.

move on.