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Which is better? Being single or being in a relationship?


Sc0tt 4 | 25  
9 Jul 2007 /  #31
I'm 33 now & recently became single after seeing a Polish girl for 4 mths (hence the reason i started using this forum) .

I don't feel pressured by society to be in a relationship personally .

I do prefer to be in a relationship than being single because i miss the close company ... but for now i have to keep looking .....
espana 17 | 910  
9 Jul 2007 /  #32
single!!
(my wife just say me buger off then!!!!!)
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #33
From what I know of you Ken, your not happy Single. Your posts show that much and I can relate to it as I am currently getting real tired of being single myself.

Yeah, I'm fed up being single too. Being single is definately the easy option for me to take as it avoids the pitfalls of rejection etc. This is not the option I want but at the same time I don't want to fall for the first girl that shows any sign of interest either. I need to be careful, my circumstances have left me in a vunerable position emotionally.
Rakky 9 | 217  
9 Jul 2007 /  #34
I believe we're here for one another - to live, love and learn. I don't think you can learn all there is to learn on your own. There are some lessons that can only be learned by experiencing at least part of your life with someone to whom you have made a permanent commitment.

People are ostracized for all kinds of reasons, Ken. For example - those of us who have chosen not to have any children are looked upon by some people as weirdos or somehow defective or ultra-selfish - whatever. It's not what people think (or may think) but how we react to those thoughts (expressed or not).

I think it's interesting that you selected the image of Moe, the consumate outsider and lonely heart, as your icon. Is that simply an expression of how you're feeling right now, or how you feel about yourself in general?
Daisy 3 | 1,227  
9 Jul 2007 /  #35
There are some lessons that can only be learned by experiencing at least part of your life with someone to whom you have made a permanent commitment.

Try finding out your 'life partner' is a sociopath and hear your doctor say to you "whatever you do avoid all contact with him and don't do anyhting that may antagonise him" that's one hell of a f***ing life lesson to learn.....stick with cats, much safer
Rakky 9 | 217  
9 Jul 2007 /  #36
Try finding out your 'life partner' is a sociopath

Had one of those in an older brother - life's lessons are sometimes very hard. You have my sympathies.
BTW - LOVE my 3 cats and 2 parrots, but LOVE my wife, too!
Ranj 21 | 948  
9 Jul 2007 /  #37
Being single is definately the easy option for me to take as it avoids the pitfalls of rejection etc. This is not the option I want but at the same time I don't want to fall for the first girl that shows any sign of interest either.

You are putting too much thought into this, Ken. Who's to say the "first girl" that shows any sign of interest in you is not the "right girl." Be open to all relationships, but take go into them slowly.....no need to rush anything if it's meant to be.....I truly wish you luck! Hang in there, and she will come along.....patience, my dear, patience! :)

think it's interesting that you selected the image of Moe, the consumate outsider and lonely heart, as your icon. Is that simply an expression of how you're feeling right now, or how you feel about yourself in general?

Very insightful observation, Rakky.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
9 Jul 2007 /  #38
Yeah, I'm fed up being single too. Being single is definately the easy option for me to take as it avoids the pitfalls of rejection etc. This is not the option I want but at the same time I don't want to fall for the first girl that shows any sign of interest either. I need to be careful, my circumstances have left me in a vunerable position emotionally.

I have found that the right person comes along when you least expect it. They are there from one moment to the next. It's better to wait for that person.
Ranj 21 | 948  
9 Jul 2007 /  #39
I have found that the right person comes along when you least expect it.

Completely agree with you, Shewolf! Every serious relationship I have ever had came along at a time when I wasn't worrying about being in a relationship......I know it's cliche, but good things do come to those who wait.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
9 Jul 2007 /  #40
Every serious relationship I have ever had came along at a time when I wasn't worrying about being in a relationship

I met my ex-boyfriend at the corner store. I ran inside wearing red sweat pants, no make up and frizzy hair, convinced that I would not see anyone I knew and there he was. We were together for years. You just never know.
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #41
Quoting: Rakky
think it's interesting that you selected the image of Moe, the consumate outsider and lonely heart, as your icon. Is that simply an expression of how you're feeling right now, or how you feel about yourself in general?

Very insightful observation, Rakky.

I'm very impressed Rakky. Moe would indeed symbolise the way my life has developed.

the consumate outsider and lonely heart

Couldn't put it better myself.
shopgirl 6 | 928  
9 Jul 2007 /  #42
I'm very impressed Rakky. Moe would indeed symbolise the way my life has developed.

Change the outer image, and slowly the inner image will shift to match (and vice versa). :) Try it!

Go forth young man, and choose an avatar of the person you would like to be!~
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #43
I have found that the right person comes along when you least expect it. They are there from one moment to the next. It's better to wait for that person.

Forgive me if I remain sceptical.

For years I've been in cloud cuckoo land, dreaming that something like this may happen. Recently I have realised that it hasn't happened and it is unlikely to happen, certainly not in the way I imagined. I blame the movies for this, they paint a very false picture of life. I was expecting someone like Penelope Cruz or Marisa Tomei to appear in my life and fall for me. Everything would just fall into place and we would live happily ever after. Embarassing but yes I believed that. Now I realise, my twenties are behind me, I'm still single, everyone else has got on with their lives and I'm still stuck in this dream. Now I realise, I'm not Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt or anything remotely like and if I'm going to make anything of my life, I'm going to have to get up off my butt and do something for myself instead of hanging around waiting for it to happen.

I've been too much of a dreamer in the past, I've got to wake up and smell the roses but its oh so easy to slip into old habits once more.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
9 Jul 2007 /  #44
I'm going to have to get up off my butt and do something for myself instead of hanging around waiting for it to happen.

You definitely have to ask someone out. Otherwise, you'll never be in a relationship. But if you settle for someone just for the sake of being with someone you might end up miserable instead.
Rakky 9 | 217  
9 Jul 2007 /  #45
When my first marriage ended, that was it for me - I was OFF WOMEN for a GOOD LONG TIME! A month later I was stopped in traffic due to a fireworks display, and there was a lovely young thing with a camera set up on a tripod, taking photos of the fireworks. I watched her as much as I did the show, until traffic started to move. The following week at work I was telling some colleageus about it at lunch, and the woman sitting across the table said "that was me." She was recently married, so, to me, "off limits." We became friends, did some photography together - next thing I know she's telling me how badly her marriage is going and that she knew it was a mistake right after she'd made the vows. Well, this guy who was off women was by then madly in love and we've been together ever since.

My point is - live life as best you can and life will serve up some very interesting situations for you. Who knows which one will lead you to something significant, something wonderful, something you never expected?

Here's to new avatars!
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #46
We became friends, did some photography together

next thing I know she's telling me how badly her marriage is going and that she knew it was a mistake right after she'd made the vows. Well, this guy who was off women was by then madly in love and we've been together ever since.

So, you could say things DEVELOPED very well ! lol.

Sorry, couldn't resist that.

But seriously, I understand the message you are trying to get across: that life is unpredictable and even though at the moment I feel that there is little hope of finding someone, you never know what or who is just around the corner.
AvJoeUK  
9 Jul 2007 /  #47
How old are you Ken?
AvJoeUK  
9 Jul 2007 /  #49
Just wondering what point you were in life, Im only 19 but I guess you've had your fair share of ups and downs more then likely more downs by your current outlook. Is your main concern right now trying to buck up the confidence and self esteem or just find a girl that would be right for yourself?
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #50
In the words of Michel de Montaigne 'My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened'.

Definately the confidence and self-esteem need to be raised off the floor. This I've known for some time but just can't manage to make it happen.

Both my thoughts and those of others on here is that I need to start feeling good about myself before I should really consider finding the right someone. How can I expect others to like me when I don't even like myself.
AvJoeUK  
9 Jul 2007 /  #51
Trust me Ive had that problem awhile ago, I felt like shit I didnt go out anywhere and I stayed up at ridiculous hours until I started getting I'll and realised that a downwards spiral is the worst thing anyone can face.

When you do alot of destructive thinking it eats you up inside out and the hardest part no doubt is figuring a way to get the hell oughta that chain of thought, Im sure youve got a job and when your interactive with people it must come naturally, now try to think about bringing that quality out to other people.
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
9 Jul 2007 /  #52
a job and when your interactive with people it must come naturally, now try to think about bringing that quality out to other people.

That's a good idea, I'll try that cheers.

a downwards spiral is the worst thing anyone can face.

Yeah, it's a bit like a whirlpool, sucking you deeper and deeper down. My situation isn't too bad, it was alot alot worse maybe six months ago. I've learnt to fight the destructive thinking so as not to let it win. It is a daily battle, probably not dissimilar to alcoholism in many ways.

Sometimes you feel that you've conquered it...others that you've made no progress at all. I'm probably in the latter at the moment but it will go by.
shopgirl 6 | 928  
9 Jul 2007 /  #53
Sometimes you feel that you've conquered it...others that you've made no progress at all.

Everybody goes "back and forth" when trying to make a change.....it's normal. Keep going. :)
jtmWIEN 2 | 24  
10 Jul 2007 /  #54
How can I expect others to like me when I don't even like myself.

Exactly, in the words of Liam Gallagher "You got to love yourself mate, or no one else will love you."

The simplest way to do this is to find things you enjoy in life and enjoy them, go out weekends and have a pint or see a movie and dont think about what other people are doing or how it could be better, but enjoy doing these things for what they are. Its not so much as liking yourself as being comfortable with who you are (and at times seeing the parts you are not comfortable with or dislike and working to change them) and what you do. It seems to me you may spend too much time alone, and therefore contemplating things that do not need to be contemplated. Just go out and have fun and things will happen.
Jambo 2 | 106  
10 Jul 2007 /  #55
I think it is a case of getting out there meeting people and you never know one day you might meet someone. I do not think you can plan to meet someone like joining dating lines but you will not meet anyone sitting at home either.I have been married twice now single and had not had a serious relationship for five years then I met a Polish woman in London out of the blue although that relationship has been fraught ( and now we are very good friends only) it is best to have met her than not. As other posters have said sometimes you meet someone when you least expect it. Good luck mate.
Rakky 9 | 217  
10 Jul 2007 /  #56
is a daily battle, probably not dissimilar to alcoholism in many ways.

Interesting that you should mention that - particularly at your age. Is there alcoholism in your family? Have you ever battled it yourself? If "yes" to either of these questions, it could be significant.
OP Ken Noddy 2 | 161  
10 Jul 2007 /  #57
Is there alcoholism in your family? Have you ever battled it yourself? If "yes" to either of these questions, it could be significant.

Our family are lucky, none of us have ever suffered this terrible disease. My mother and father don't drink and I gave up alcohol about six or seven years ago, never was a heavy drinker anyway but just got fed up with the nasty hangovers after a night out.

I certainly feel alot better since giving up and have a good deal more cash at my disposal but the downside is I have drifted away from alot of the friends that I socialised with when I was drinking. I tried for a while but there is nothing worse than being sober amongst a room full of drunks and I don't bother going out nearly as much as I used to.

Alcoholism is definately a problem in this part of Ireland and I fear several of my friends are affected. What can you do? They can't see it for themselves and your attempts at advice fall on deaf ears or causes friction. I find it very sad.
Jambo 2 | 106  
10 Jul 2007 /  #58
I guess it may be the case of trying to make new friends thus broadening your social circle. Personally I have always preferred meeting up with female friends than male friends as their conversation tends to be more interesting and varied whereas male conversation tends to revolve around football and sex.Nothing wrong with that but can get a bit boring.
Eurola 4 | 1,906  
10 Jul 2007 /  #59
Dear Ken, get out of the house, mingle a little, make friends at work...anything is better than feeling alone. It's fine, if that's what you want and feel comfortable with, but we all need other people around. Internet is fun, but it should never be a substitute for a face to face chat. You sound like a sensitive, good guy... you're young, get out of the house and things will happen!
Rakky 9 | 217  
10 Jul 2007 /  #60
al-anon-ireland.org

What can you do? They can't see it for themselves and your attempts at advice fall on deaf ears or causes friction. I find it very sad.

It IS sad - for them and for their loved ones. There is a place for them - the rooms of Alcoholica Anonymous. There are rooms for those of us with family and friends who suffer with the disease - the rooms of Al-anon and Alateen. The rooms are everywhere. To find the ones in Ireland, go here:

al-anon-ireland.org
There you will be among your kind, Ken. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had in these rooms - relationships that I cherish. You can do the same.

For some reason the "30 mark" tends to bring people into the rooms - many people start when or soon after they turn 30. You're right on time, buddy.

BTW - many a romance has been kindled in these rooms. Healthy romances.

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