Does anybody know any success stories on dating american guy? Seriously, I've been here (Baltimore) for over 4 years and man, it sucks. I'm the typical polish gal: carrying, cooking, loving, etc....what the american guys expect here? What do they want in the relationship and is honesty and being opened the right way to go?
My wife has a success story to tell. But since this forum requires decent English, I'll provide the details. I'm an American of Polish ancestry. My wife is from Gdansk. She came here to work so that her daughter could get a college education. Having met a lot of Polish women through my wife, and of course as an American, here are a couple of generalizations.
Meet a man that's interested in your culture. He doesn't have to of Polish ancestry, but he should be interested in yours. It gives you something to talk about authoratively.
Don't be " typical " as you describe yourself. Many American men will want you as a surrogate mother, if your hobbies are cooking and cleaning. Worse, if the man is of Polish ancestry, he may compare you to his grandmother. Don't make the best pierogies he's ever eaten on the first date.
Regionpolski, No worries, its not that bad. I cook, because I like, but I don't spend the whole day in apron : ))) I'm affraid he is too much in his box to get out and try something new, however he's been trying to learn more about my culture and learn some polish.
Howards has a most fantastic beer selection. Loved it. Fresh fish and beer was top choice there.
Yeah, great place. They say oysters are an aphrodisiac but I think its BS, but they are damn good to eat thats certain.
jtm Wien, Long story short...I'm 15 years yanger then he is. We dated once, and he decided not to carry this longer, because of the age difference (it was only few dates).
In my opinion its probably better that you just ask him. Say that you cant help but to care for him and tell him your circumstances and how you see things (like this distance) and ask him how he feels. Its better to set things straight now than to let them drag on with you wondering (even though its a lot easier to say this than to actually do it I know).
I very much agree with the above advice. Maybe there is something you do not know that is holding him back. In my case it was my Polish female friend has a boyfriend ( married) in France, a man she had mentioned to me but only as a very good friend. I live in the UK as does she with me until she relocates having got a new job. I think when you have gone out with someone for say three months you both need to stand back and ask where is this going and then make a decision. In my case at present she says our relationship has to be very good friends only because of the Frenchman. Anyway the situation resolves itself to a large extent when she relocates in the UK next month. But it has been so tough falling for somebody and then finding out she has someone else but gradually I get over it and living with her actually makes that process easier not harder.
Ok Boys I asked..."after the great weekend we spent together, it seem like you were a bit distance afterwords" He said, that he wasn't, and if he was it was not intentional. It was after he stated that I was upset, because he didn't call me the following weekend. Hmmm, honestly, didn't even cross my mind to come up with that idea. After all, we are not dating and we don't have to spend every weekend together. Ok, looks like it starts to make less and less sense to me.
I've only discovered this forum a few days ago, recently got some advice about my trip to Poland, then noticed this area. Seems like most people are in their 20's and looking for what most people are looking for. Well I'm a bit older, and, well, all of this looks a little crazy to me. A few years ago I went to Japan to teach English. During orientation there was a class on dating Japanese. Seemed like that would be more fun than learning how to cook or whatever the other choices were so I went. This American guy was teaching the class and with great pride he proudly announced that he married a Japanese girl. Yikes!!! How sad I thought. Was his wife's most attractive attribute her cultural heritage? How sad! You don't marry a culture, you marry a person! I certainly wouldn't want to be sleeping next to a person who thinks that one of my best attributes is the fact that I'm American, and I'd imagine the same would be true for anyone. Appreciation of one's culture, or even better, wanting to learn about someone's culture because you are interested in them is a wonderful thing I think. But, "I'm looking for a Polish Woman...." It's hard enough to find a woman period, why would someone make nationality a criteria? I'm here on this forum because I have a friend who was originally born in Poland. I wasn't attracted to her because of that, but because of her values and attitudes towards... well everything. She has a sister, almost the same age, and very different. Brought up in the same country, in the same house and a completely different set of values, ones that I would never be attracted by, though I care a great deal for her. So it's the person, not where she was born.
Okay Sylablaw, let me take a shot at this. Only a guess but maybe it's going something like this. This person, whether he knows it or not, has a "place" for you, somewhere he needs you to be. Not too close, not too far. I would suspect that if the distance gets too great, he takes some action to draw you closer. Fine, until you get too close, the comes the little push. I think this is very common for the following reason: People want intimacy without commitment. Age old story. And I'm not talking about physical intimacy only, but emotional intimacy as well. Here is where people are gonna rip me apart, but that's okay, it won't really bother me because I believe what I'm saying is the truth. Men, ask yourself this question, "What right do I have to ask ANYTHING of a woman that I don't intend to marry?" We really don't have a right to ask, or even take what's offered until we understand that person well enough to decide if we want to pursue marriage with that person. And even then, for the protection of both parties, clear boundaries need to be established. Truth of the matter is that when a man marries a woman he really needs to put himself (and his childhood) aside and adopt an attitude of service to his wife. Okay I hear you, "oh, be whipped." No, what I'm saying is that you lead, you do the hard stuff, you carry the load, you assume responsibility for your family and make your wife feel like there is a person there who would die for her. Women, ask yourself, "Is this guy asking himself those questions?" So I think men and women need to be hold back on how much intimacy they expect from their partners and in fact don't offer or accept what is inappropriate for a relationship that's not a marriage. Men, you want the gift of intimacy, do the work! Ladies, make sure they're workin!
I realize this all might sound nuts, but lets do the math. You all know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. That number is even higher for people who live together first. Recently I read that of the 50% that stay married, half of those are unhappy. So basically you have a 1 fin 4 shot of being happily married. That's NUTS!!! I think a lot of the reason for this is that people don't understand what a commitment is because dating is all about "trying" people until you find someone who meets your needs. I think what we should do is find someone we admire or value enough to want to go through life with, and then ask, "What can I do to be who that person needs." Quite opposite from, "Oh, he/she isn't meeting MY needs, time to move on." Then both people go their own separate ways, each having given too much of themselves, and having less to offer that person who they will eventually marry.
Sorry Sylabla, I kind of hijacked your thread, but you seem really nice and I just hate what we do to each other. So maybe you can just ask your friend what it is that he is looking for. Don't be afraid of scaring him off because if that scares him, he's already gone and it's better that you know now, rather than later. And don't be so giving until he earns the gift of you. You want someone who will work to gain your friendship and trust. Being married is way way way harder than all of this, and if he can't pull it off now, you can be sure he won't have a chance once married. If it doesn't work out, no worries... it's not easy, but if marriage is what you're looking for, you'll find the right person. Just be patient.
Meantime, go to the aquarium. I was at the Baltimore Aquarium about ten years ago (getting old here) and It was one of the best in the country:-) Also, you mentioned that you work with kids. What do you do? I just changed careers about three years ago and became a school teacher. FUN!!!!
Unfortunatelly I know you are right...Even if I was hoping he may change from confirmed bachelor (45), I know subconsciously that my wisher are ureal and it is not going to happen. And it is exactly like you say. I'm drifting away, because I'm tired of that limbo (more then friend but not a boyfriend) and he gets me back with nice dinner, evening or whatever. And when I'm there again, here comes the distance.... As much as I like him, there isn't any really deep feeling involve in it. So it should be easier to have the conversation. After all, knowing how many habbits he has and how difficult for him is a change, I would have to make more compromises and close one eye more then often. And I would like, when both sides work hard enough to make it last.
Ok, now the nice stuff. I used to be a teacher and camp cancelor and the care giver for children for over 10 years. Now, I'm physical therapist Assist. and my specialization is pediatrics. I do 60% of peds and the rest is adults. I've been always very close to children (younger sis required constant supervision).
What was your prevoius career? What subjects do you teach, what grades? Hmmm, maybe it's time for you to visit the aquarium again? Things had improved for the past 10 years : ))
If you decide that you're not comfortable with how your relationship with this guy is, or you feel that you deserve better, then you'll probably need to make a commitment to yourself. I once heard someone say that "making a commitment is deciding what to do in advance?" In other words, you make a decision about how things are going to go, no matter what the circumstances, then follow through. So, in the quiet of your own home when you're thinking clearly, you might decide that this thing is over and that your going to have "the conversation." Then you are sitting with him and "feelings" start to influence you and you start to think, "oh, maybe this is okay, maybe it will work." Now you have to make a choice, do you honor the commitment you made to yourself, or do you go with your "feelings." Feelings can be deceitful so be careful.
I say this because I've seen people do crazy things once they get "the talk." He might throw more than a nice dinner at you, instead he might say, "hey, you wanna fly up to Quebec this weekend?" All I'm saying is be careful, and watch out for manipulation! (BTW, I've never been to Quebec, but the pictures are beautiful, looks like Europe right here in North America:-)
Okay, I think I've said all that can be said, maybe more than you asked for, or more than anyone cares to read.
Fun stuff: Baltimore was more like 15 years ago now that I think of it. A friend was getting married and my girlfriend and I drove down. We spent the entire time in the Inner Harbor and it was beautiful even back then. Our hotel however was in a very scary part of town. It's funny because I'm going to Poland tomorrow and because of the internet, I've seen all the places I'm going to be staying at, and even used Google Earth to check out the neighborhood. Times have changed. I'm sure Baltimore, just like NY, has some beautiful sections and some not so beautiful ones.
Teaching: well I started out as an Electrical Engineer, but while in college I had a summer job at a day camp. It was fun! I had the five year olds. So years later I was sitting in an air conditioned cubicle working on some project and I thought of those kids. I liked going to school to be an engineer, and I even liked being one sometimes, but overall it was pretty boring compared to a bunch of kids running all over the place. So I went back to school and got a Master's Degree in Elementary Education. Four years ago I quit my job as an engineer and started working in a kindergarten. Talk about fun... and needing to come home and take a nap. A year later I started teaching pre-kindergarten... more fun!!! I was also certified as a technology teacher, so the school district moved me into the middle school to teach computers because it is hard to find good computer teachers. I didn't want to go, but now that I'm there I really love it. It's a rough neighborhood, and it's a tough age (11 - 14) but I am having so much fun. Plus I get do things like go to Poland in the summertime.
What part of Poland are you from, and how long have you been here? Why did you stop teaching?
Sorry it took me so long. Got couhgt in a work stuff, girlfriend problems, etc, etc.... Anyway, I know what you mean. At that point Im very volnurable (just started new job, moving out in 2 weeks, dealing with exams), so I want to get my mind clear before the conversation and get myself on the straight path. A few of my friends had a chance to spent some time with the two of us and they have 2 different sides of the story.. Most likely, knowing myself and the situation and also considering my age, I will go with the reason, not feelings, not to waste more time. I really appreciate your opinion and advices.
So, how about you? You seem very open to a conversations like this, and maybe excperienced? Are you able to translate these thoughts into your personal life?
Speaking of the less intense stuff....I have to stop teaching, or rather didn't choose to continue this profession because of my voice. I speak very softly and it takes a lot of effords for me to speak aloud and slowly. I've notoced that by the end of the day I was just loosing my voice. The other think I was affraid was, that after repeating the same things to different classes day by day, year by year I will regress rather then go foreword. Did you have thoughts like that too, when you started teaching? How is it now?
Poland. I'm from the North, near Gdansk. I was studying in Torun, both beautiful cities!!!! I got tthe chance to travel a lot during my childhood and studies. What part of Poland you like the most.
yeh, I'm pretty open when it comes to my oppinions on the relationship thing. I've spent a lot of time learning and there seems to be a universan truth about things... I like to share what I've learned and what I'm still learning. And you are right to ask how this translates to my personal life because the will to be completely unselfish and giving and the ability to consistently do it are two different things. But it is my goal! I could talk about this stuff for hours. The second most important descision a person can make in life is who their partner should be... can make or break it! Though I don't mind sharing my oppinions in a public forum, the personal life doesn't get posted (so as to protect the innocent:-) Shoot me an email, my public email address is in the profile if you want to know more.
Teaching... well I'm not challenged as far as technical abilities, however the job is far from boring. I don't think as hard about things, my brain isn't being pushed to it's limits, but everything else is. Patients, endurance, organizational skills, artistic ability or lack of, planning, you name it. It's very challenging! Plus I just love it! As far as the brain, it's getting a major workout right now. I'm in Poland and don't speak a word. I'm getting by, but I think I need to learn Polish. That should be a challenge. I will say that now that I'm hearing the language every minute of the day, it is absolutely beautiful. My favorite speaker was the lady making the announcements at the Tzew train station. I was there for a few hours and I just loved listening to her. I was going to go and look for her, but I didn't want to ruin the illusion.
I was in Gdansk for the last few days. I took the train down to Poznan today, which is where I'm writing from. What an amazing country. I met up with a friend who grew up near Malbork. I stayed there for two nights. They had a festival this weekend and I got a personal tour of the castle. Plus the history... man, what the Polish people have been through. The fact that Poland is even here is a testimant to their strength.
Well that's it for now. Like I said, send me an email. I'll be able to check for a few days, then it's back out to the countryside and no computers!
Well, just thought I'd chime in here. I live in Baltimore and yes, there are areas you don't want to venture into, but much of the downtown and surrounding areas are springing back to life. As for the young woman that started this post, there are quality American guys out there. I know you know that, but it's worth hearing it once in a while. Being open is about your wants as far as the relationship goes is the best. If I can be of any help (esp. since I live in Bmore), send me an email. It's funny - I am always on the lookout for some Polish gals and you'd think I would have found one since Baltimore has a historical Polish population.
PunchBuggyB, I enjoyed your anecdote. I AM an electrical engineer, and the further I get down that road, the more I feel like I want to do something else in a few more years...I dunno about teaching kindergarten though.
