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Polish mother in law wants to move in - what can we do??

15 Jul 2016 #1
Here's the scoop. My wife's mother is 52 years old and lives alone in NYC. She's been here for over 15 years and never learned English. She also doesn't know how to drive and lacks very basic "logical" skills (or she pretends so that my wife will do things for her). My wife's father was an abusive alcoholic and passed away two years ago. My wife left the house when she was 18 to go to university and get away from her parents. She's been alone since then (that was 8 years ago).

She has a very weird relationship with her mom. She mentions that her mom used to hit her as a child and manipulates her into doing things for her. One of the biggest examples I have is our wedding night. Her mother knocked on our hotel room door and got SO upset that we didn't let her in to "have tea and talk" with her. The next day she made my wife feel awful that we drank and got a little tipsy. She also told my wife that she only has "one mom but can marry 10-15 men). My wife stands up to her but to no avail because she feels bad for her mom. We recently bought a house and both have great jobs. Her mother rents a room and doesn't have much money.

Here's the issue. My mother in law is lonely and wants to move in. We haven't even been married for a year and our house is too small to accommodate three people. We've been saving a lot of money to start a family in 2-3 years. We are both against this idea. My wife is a sweetheart and understands I won't feel comfortable with the situation. She also doesn't want her mother to "take over" the household, especially because her mother has already mentioned that she is a part of "our nest". My wife is stressed out because her mom keeps telling her how lonely she is and that she doesn't have anyone. I know that if she moves in I will be an outsider in my own home. I don't speak polish and her mother will just sit in the living room and watch us. She will also have to be driven everywhere due to lack of public transportation in our town. She definitely won't get a job due to lack of English. I guess I'm here to get some opinions as to how to handle this situation.
15 Jul 2016 #2
Living with parents-in-law is probably the worst thing for a young couple. No matter if she is Polish, French, American she shouldn't force her daughter to let her live with you. Does she have anybody in Poland? If she doesn't speak Eng how she survived all these years??
Sparks11 - | 335
15 Jul 2016 #3
Absolutely agree. I would only let your mother-in-law move in if you want to get divorced from your wife. It will only bring misery to you both. Your mother-in-law sounds like a lazy, crazy cow, to be frank. Do not let her move in. You will regret it with every ounce of your being. I know from experience.
mafketis 25 | 9,348
16 Jul 2016 #4
In Poland, parents usually feel completely justified in meddling in their adult childrens' marriages (parent meddling is one of the most frequent causes of divorce in Poland).

Your wife knows this (maybe not consciously but I'm sure she knows of couples driven apart by one or more parents not letting a young couple sort out their problems on their own). This is the dark side of family values - your family is always up in your business.

My suspicion is that your MIL wants to break your marriage up (how much clearer could she be - barging in on your _wedding night_????!???!) and sees moving in as a way of expediting you moving out.

Oddly, one of the ways out might be for your wife to get pregnant ASAP before letting you r MIL in. This might dull your MIL's desire to wreck her daughter's marriage (no guarentees though - perverted Polish parental passion takes many irrational forms)

As for her being lonely - most lonely people worked long and hard to get that way.....
Marsupial - | 886
16 Jul 2016 #5
How fast can you run / drive / fly away?
smurf 39 | 1,981
16 Jul 2016 #6
I guess I'm here to get some opinions as to how to handle this situation.

Move away or in fairness this is a good idea

one of the ways out might be for your wife to get pregnant ASAP before letting you r MIL in

for the short term, however when the baby is born she'll be more determined to meddle

You're boned mate, best thing would be the move
mafketis 25 | 9,348
16 Jul 2016 #7
when the baby is born she'll be more determined to meddle

True, but when the baby is born the chances of her not moving in "temporarily" in order "to help with the baby" are less than zero. The wife needs a plan to stop that from happening now.
Sparks11 - | 335
16 Jul 2016 #8
Yes, also agree. When the baby comes she will move in to help. The advice on here is truly golden, dude, you may be thinking other things like "maybe it will be ok" or "maybe it will be different" Please, for your own sake, take the advice people are giving you. It is accurate, from folks who know.
OP Janken34
16 Jul 2016 #9
Thanks for the good advice. My wife told me that in Poland parents do move in to control their kids. I'm lucky because the wife is reasonable and doesn't want her mother to even live close to us. She feels "stuck" though because her mother will always play the victim to make us feel like crap. I might just have to play the bad guy and if it comes to it tell my MIL no. The good thing is that this is our house that we payed for with our own money so we do have the last word (in theory).

My wife did think of getting pregnant asap but feels like her mother will impose even more. I dont understand why these old school polish mothers are like this. We have friends with all similar situations of parents imposing into their marriages. Thank God my wife came here as a teen and is a complete opposite.
10iwonka10 - | 395
16 Jul 2016 #10
I think that lots women all over the world like to have their mum close when baby is born.

But it usually lasts for few weeks and then mums go back to their old life.

When I read about your mother in law I was just thinking about someone I recently met through work. She was also abused by alcoholic husband. And she is very clingy, flat,no ambitions....

I think this could be a problem- Can she just go for some therapy?

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