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Crap parenting in our UK youth today (in Poland it's a little better)


pam
24 Aug 2012 #31
[quote=delphiandomine]. I can understand (just) losing your temper and whacking a child, Problem is if you hit a child once, it's easier to do it again. Thats been my experience being on the receiving end of physical punishment . My father regularly lost his temper and i spent my childhood walking on egg shells around him. Unfortunately ,lashing out in temper can become a nasty habit, which is why hitting a child once, is once too much.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,862
24 Aug 2012 #32
also the language of it is all wrong.
a 'clip' round the ear
a 'smack'on the bum
in adult life that would be a prosecutable (is there such a word?) offence
why not just say 'hit'?
an adult man hitting a small child round the head in temper isn't really on, is it?
paulinska 9 | 86
24 Aug 2012 #33
There's no text book on how to bring up children or how to discipline them for that matter. They're all different and i think as a parent you can only do your best to bring up your kids with discipline and respect. In my household, my kids get an odd smack where necessary but that's after numerous attempts to put things right. My missus is very good at talking to them and she does all the explaining when they 'whys' come out. We use all different kinds of punishments like taking away toys or games or even skipping the taekwondo class. It kinda puts them in check but every now and then, they need to know that if i do something really stupid, i'll get a smack! I'm the enforcer and the missus is the smoother, it works perfectly well for my kids!
OP WielkiPolak 56 | 1,008
24 Aug 2012 #34
But answer me this - why is it acceptable to beat a child but not an adult? Is it because, in reality, the adult would kick your ass?

Not many adults could kick my ass buddy.

I suppose we just have a different view. The only reason I would smack my child would be to teach it what is wrong and what is right. I would use other punishments as well [e.g no TV, no toys etc] but if they do not work then a smack on the bum might have to be used. If you hook up a piece of cheese to electricity and it shocks a mouse when it tries to get it, that pain will teach the mouse not to go near it. If you try other ways like frightening the mouse whenever it goes near it, when you are not there, it will still try to get it. Okay it might not be a fantastic example, let's just say, personally I feel there is not a lot wrong with hitting a child. It does not happen often and I honestly think the more disciplined children turn out better than the softy soft, explanation receiving ones. Children learn to manipulate as well. If they know that doing something bad only gets an explanation of why it is wrong, they'll 'listen' to it with their short attention span and then go off and do it again and again. Bring up your kids how you want but do not tell me a smack in the bum is something I can not do. Know the saying 'I put you in this world and I can take you out of it?' Well obviously I would not be as extreme as that but it makes sense. You look after your children and they have a duty to listen to you, not negotiate stuff with you. They only survive for the first few years of their life thanks to you, so they least they can do is have some respect. It is up to you to then teach it to them. Anyway this went off topic. The main topic was crap parenting, not just hitting your children. I mentioned that and people jumped on it. The main problem I have is with the parents that have children in public who blatantly disregard them and they do not do anything about it.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,648
24 Aug 2012 #35
But why pick on the defenseless? If you ask people if it is alright to smack a dog when it does something disapproved of most will say no yet these same people will say it is okay to smack a kid for the same reason.
pam
24 Aug 2012 #36
I honestly think the more disciplined children turn out better than the softy soft, explanation receiving ones. Children learn to manipulate as well. If they know that doing something bad only gets an explanation of why it is wrong, they'll 'listen' to it with their short attention span and then go off and do it again and again.

You do not have to hit a child in order to discipline him/her. You follow up an explanation with a consequence e.g a cancelled walk in the park, and you be CONSISTENT about it.

Yes,children have short attention spans, but they very quickly learn when toys/treats are denied them, and when good behaviour is rewarded.
My son has turned out to be polite ,well mannered and respectful to others. Just because i didn't resort to hitting him,doesn't mean i took a "softy soft" approach either.

Discipline isn't an all or nothing issue.
delphiandomine 88 | 18,163
24 Aug 2012 #37
Not many adults could kick my ass buddy.

Exactly. So why is it acceptable to beat a defenceless child, but not to beat an adult?

The only reason I would smack my child would be to teach it what is wrong and what is right. I would use other punishments as well [e.g no TV, no toys etc] but if they do not work then a smack on the bum might have to be used. If you hook up a piece of cheese to electricity and it shocks a mouse when it tries to get it, that pain will teach the mouse not to go near it.

You do realise that such methods are thoroughly discredited in modern child psychology?

but do not tell me a smack in the bum is something I can not do.

In many countries, you simply cannot. Quite what place a 6ft man has beating a tiny child, I'm not sure.

Know the saying 'I put you in this world and I can take you out of it?' Well obviously I would not be as extreme as that but it makes sense.

I think it's pretty obvious that the beatings you got have had some sort of effect on you - that is not the words of anyone sane and rational.

If you think that beating someone is acceptable, do you think it's acceptable for your boss to bend you over and give you a good thrashing with a belt too?
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,862
24 Aug 2012 #38
Know the saying 'I put you in this world and I can take you out of it?

OMG that reminds me of Fred West
sa11y 5 | 331
24 Aug 2012 #39
The only reason I would smack my child would be to teach it what is wrong and what is right

But you don't need to smack child to teach them this. I smacked my 3 year old son on number of occasions, but I must admit that I got better results sending him to "naughty corner" or denying him toys for bad behavior.

The problem with smacking is that it helps the parent to vent off the anger rather than having effect of the child. The stronger the anger the stronger the slap. I'm no angel. I do get angry. Sometimes it results in a slap on my 3-year-old's bum. But I still don't support it.
OP WielkiPolak 56 | 1,008
24 Aug 2012 #40
what makes me laugh is parents begging their children to stop doing something unacceptable.
like getting into a negotiation. there is no negotiation, i am the parent, i said no, end of conversation.

Exactly and yet you do not see enough of this in public. It normally ends with the parent just letting their child scream their lungs out, getting louder and louder and not considering that their child, you know, might be bothering others. Oh but it is a child so we should just accept it. That is why I hope for the day when I do not every have to take public transport again. Unfortunately some places are more [like the centre of London] are more convenient to get to via public transport.

Respectful? Ever considered that your unemployment woes might be actually linked to those beatings you received?

Why are you altering what I say to suit your case. I did not get beaten, I got an occasional belt on the bum. I never had to go to a doctor, nor did I have any marks from it, yet it was enough to make me not want to do what I had had done, again. BTW what on earth does my physical punishment as a child have to do with my current search for a job? What you think they can tell that I think it is okay to hit a child due to the answers I give? Did you have some alcoholic drink as you wrote this?

Would you tolerate your boss at work bending you over and giving you such a smack? No?

No because he or she is a stranger. In the same way it is unacceptable to hit someone elses child, since they are not yours and it is not your business.

an adult man hitting a small child round the head in temper isn't really on, is it?

No and that is why you do not hit a child around the head, or an adult [unless you are boxing or something].

I think it's pretty obvious that the beatings you got have had some sort of effect on you

Yeah yeah, good old delph. As soon as someone has a different opinion to you they are either not right in the head or some wellington boot wearing poor sap who not education. Get in the real world man, people have different ideas and ways of life, your views and way of life is not the guide to follow. Sometimes I think you did not get hit enough as a child.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,862
24 Aug 2012 #41
so tell us, oh great childless one, the difference between
the 'clip round the ear' that you previously recommended,
and 'hit round the head'?
delphiandomine 88 | 18,163
24 Aug 2012 #42
OMG that reminds me of Fred West

Doesn't it just?!

I got an occasional belt on the bum. I never had to go to a doctor, nor did I have any marks from it

I find it hard to believe that a belt wielded in aggression wouldn't leave marks.

BTW what on earth does my physical punishment as a child have to do with my current search for a job? What you think they can tell that I think it is okay to hit a child due to the answers I give?

Quite a lot, actually. You've taken to complaining on here about the lack of jobs rather than dealing with it in the real world - classic symptoms of an abused child that can't articulate his feelings properly.

And you've posted here how it's perfectly fine to assault children.

No because he or she is a stranger.

Would you tolerate your father beating you up now? No?
Wroclaw Boy
24 Aug 2012 #43
Not many adults could kick my ass buddy.

after your dad occasionally beat you with a belt im not surprised.

WP the physical abuse you suffered as a child should not have happened, it most certainly should not be perpetuated. Had you not been occasionally beaten what would your stance be now? Times are changing now and physical pain as a method to punish is becoming more obsolete. Hopefully you will come to see that in the future as you grow and become more wise.

You should ask your dad why he did that? i bet he'll say because his dad did it to him.
OP WielkiPolak 56 | 1,008
24 Aug 2012 #44
Funny how people jump to the conclusion that it is a man who must punish physically. It was actually my mum who did this and I still love her very much. I wonder if you react just as badly to a woman who spanks her child as you do to a man who does this?
PlasticPole 7 | 2,648
24 Aug 2012 #45
My mom hit me and it didn't help at all. In fact, we don't have a great relationship now because of it. My Uncle was hit by my Grandfather who also had a very poor relationship with his father. My Uncle used to hit his kids with a belt and that's one of the worse ways to discipline. I always stayed a healthy distance from my Uncle. Never bothered getting close or even hugging him goodbye after visiting all because he would sit on his recliner hitting a belt on the arm of it. Scary. It's sad that relationships between parents and children come to this.
Wroclaw Boy
24 Aug 2012 #46
Funny how people jump to the conclusion that it is a man who must punish physically. It was actually my mum who did this and I still love her very much. I wonder if you react just as badly to a woman who spanks her child as you do to a man who does this?

Its just a stereotype most probably subliminally assimilated into me at some point, i can recall many times hearing and seeing on TV a kid being beaten with a belt by a male. Regardless violence is violence no matter who administers it.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,648
24 Aug 2012 #47
Corporal punishment seems to be passed down from generation to generation until someone wises up and breaks the cycle. My generation of cousins seem to be much easier going parents even though they were hit with belts. They have a different mindset and know it's not right.

The key to change is letting go of the denial and realize it's not the right thing to do. First thing is realization and admittance though.
Wroclaw Boy
24 Aug 2012 #48
I was smacked or whacked for everything, didn't work on me at all.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,648
24 Aug 2012 #49
It caused me a lot of problems in personality and with emotions, communication, trust and fear. Trusting people is impeded.
pip 10 | 1,659
24 Aug 2012 #50
I used to get hit with the wooden spoon.....I think it is a Canadian thing- I have friends that had the same thing. I also don't have a good relationship with my mother- being hit and slapped will do that- particularly when it is for stupid reasons.

However, I learned how to parent. After highschool I went to college to become a nursery school teacher and I learned how to deal with children of all ages- what they are capable of, what is appropriate behaviour as well as working with special needs and behavioural problem children.

I don't hit. I never have. I simply don't need to. I have good kids that are nice to others and respectful of everyone. My eldest fights back against bullies and she sticks up for her friends that are targeted by bullies. My youngest is the sweetest huggiest kid. They are good kids because they know what is acceptable behaviour right from day one. Being a parent starts the moment they pop out of the womb- not just after work.

Perhaps I am bragging but I don't care. I see so many obnoxious, rude, horrible children in this country- mean and spiteful and selfish. My husband and I have worked hard to raise our kids- and it shows.

Good kids just doesn't come from genetics- they are nurtured from birth.
My kids are not perfect- especially when they start fighting with each other or talking back- but usually time alone in their rooms solves this problem.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,648
24 Aug 2012 #51
A lot of the behavior issues are developmental and they do grow out of them in time. Key is to remind yourself that it won't last. Like, two year olds. They are notoriously difficult and many people think this is the time to introduce hitting and it's the only way to have a well behaved child but this really is the time you can start a serious pattern of maladaptive parenting skills that will only make the situation worse. Parents need to remind themselves the terrible twos will not last forever. The child needs patience and an opportunity to learn how to control behavior. Hitting only intensifies the emotional response when the poor kid is attempting to learn control. By the time they are five, without hitting, kids are much easier to talk to and their behavior is much better. Just be patient through those trying times and two year olds can really wear the nerves down but remember it only lasts a few years and they are much easier to get along with after this developmental stage has passed.
tigger76 - | 4
29 Sep 2012 #52
Most of us here were brought up in the 70's and 80's probably when giving a child a "smack" was a relatively common occurance. The only thing is, what it was done to achieve and how was it delivered?? The only reason my parents gave us a "smack" so to speak was as a way of getting our attention and stopping us from doing what we were doing. It was never as a punishment. And it was never even hard...just a pat on the bum to make you turn around and stop. Children are by their very nature self obsessed and controlled by instincts and impulses that centre around themselves and what they want and have little or no knowledge or acceptance of how they interact with society or people around them, and have little or no caring about this. Most children dont even really develop any sense of their place within a community or develop a rudimentary notion of consequences of actions until they are at least 6 or 7 years old, and then only if they are taught that in a consistant fashion. And we werent bad kids...in fact we were pretty good kids but sometimes we needed checking and Im sorry...but sitting down to talk to me about what I was doing as a 4 or 5 year old to find the reasons why I was being maybe a little brat that day would have been silly. I didnt know why I was being bold...I just wanted to do something and I had no knowledge of the "why" or "wherefore" of my actions. Kids run on impulse...thats the way they are made. In order to interupt that impulse you have to arrest their attention. Some people shout at their kids...some people go all out and batter their kids. Some will try to sit the kid down and reason with it. Verbal abuse and beating are wrong...and reasoning just doesnt work. I know it is the widely varying actions of the adult which are the cause of the argument here because nobody wants to see a child being beaten senseless...or yelled at and verbally abused. But a smack just strong enough to halt the child is in my opinion acceptable. And it got my attention, long enough for my mum or dad to tell me to stop doing what I was doing. If they had sat me down and tried to explain to me or reason with me it would have gone in one ear and out the other...and I was a very smart kid but it simply would not have registered because a childs capacity to reason out the impacts its actions have on other individuals, its environment, community, society or whatever are just beyond its capabilities because they are concepts much to big to be grasped by a child that young. Giving a child a beating out of frustration is wrong...and I am in no way defending that, so is verbal abuse and calling the child names or yelling obscenities at it, but I think it comes because the parents are not consistant with teaching the child...just punishing it.

I will say I had a healthy amount of respect for my parents, fear would be way too strong a word, and I grew to learn that there were lines in the sand and you didnt cross them. And I loved them and they loved me. But a lot of kids these days dont even see the lines...they are never told no and half the time the parents are too busy and TV bring up the kids. I dont have kids of my own but I do have 3 adorable little nephews...and yes they can be little brats at times, but all kids can be. They test boundaries and patience like you wouldnt believe but my brothers and sister treat them the way were brought up...wth sometimes a smack to get their attention and then instruction on what to do...or not to do. They get a treat when they do something good or help around the house, they have a treat taken away when they are persistantly bold...cause and effect are taught and they are all good kids. They dont get something for nothing and spoilt, unless its their birthday or christmas and they dont get everything they want. They have everything they will ever need...but only get what they want if they are prepared to at least earn it. If you teach a child consistantly those small things soon enough they realise that by such simple concepts the world really revolves. Its the earliest lessons I was taught and they have always stood me in good stead.


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