PF - The Omnibus Edition

I don't know....if I changed my name to michal and deleted my avatar I think I could fool you...

:]

I do not believe you can be trusted to give an impartial and unbiased account of the proceedings so far

Vote Grzegorz!!

This is getting vicious now. I hereby state my intention to refrain from reporting on the election race until such time as the result is announced. Instead I shall drink pina coladas on the sun deck and restrict the Omnibus Edition to a summary of the week's sports news.

<walks off in a huff>

So basically, the Omnibus Edition will be two lines long...
Maybe you should include fashion in this restricted edition.

you'll be back....it doesn't take that much Guinness

I don't like to instill panic and fear amongst the masses... but if Doggie wins the election this may be the last Omnibus post ever. The thread will be renamed PF - The Pravda edition and will be written by faceless administrators within the new regime. A vote for Miranda is a vote for freedom of speech.

What's wrong, can't you handle a little election rigging?

You know what I think? I think your just getting lazy and don't want to type all the info anymore...

:P

PF – The Pravda edition

To all workers of the Glorious Republic. Today we are proud to announce that tractor production is at an all time high. Exciting news has reached us that in all departments production of the Mark IV tractor has exceeded quotas by over 120%. At the same time the average time taken by Comrades for natural breaks has fallen by 300%. The number of workers killed has also decreased dramatically (Boris – edit that out or it is the Ghulag for you). Production has been increased in a number of innovative ways. Chiefly, it has been achieved by replacing all agricultural land with tractor factories. In the short term this has resulted in an oversupply of tractors so we implore all Comrades to purchase a tractor as an essential addition to their homes. Tractors make good conversation pieces and by showing your tractor you are showing your love for the Motherland. Together we can support the planned economy.

Other news

There has been no news of importance this week. All is well.

Can I have a yellow tractor or does it have to be red ?

You can't keep this up forever

It's a holding tactic. Once I get this report done for work I will reveal the next startling installment

entertaining post again Szarlotka:)

I understand the Central Planning Committee is suggesting that the weekly chocolate rations for children should be raised from 16 to 9 grams per week! Truly forward thinking!

Apologies for the lack of an Omnibus Edition. Following the events of last Tuesday when the mad Norwegian put through his own goal in the last minute, Szarlotka is finding it difficult to string two cohesive words together. Normal service will be resumed after we beat Chelski on Wednesday evening.

....and how should I start my week without the omnibus edition...?? so disappointing....

understandable. I hope that next week will bring better news to you and the team:)

It's extremely selfish of him, pathetic excuses

Tough crowd out there tonight.

why does it take so long...?

Bank holiday Monday? It's totally thrown me today... I'm all confused.

I think Mr Sz is on writer's strike. First the Hollywood, now the Isles.

or maybe his buddy Guinness disappointed him...

everybody needs a break form time to time.

nothing wrong with that...

Question Time

Good evening and welcome to this week’s edition of Question Time. My name is David Dimplechin. This evening our show is being broadcast from the Rose and Crown just ouside Woburn in Befordshire. We are here at the request of some of the regulars here at the pub to answer questions specifically about the Polish community here in the UK. Without further ado, let me introduce to you our distinguished panel who will be answering your questions this evening.

Firstly we are delighted to introduce the Prime Minister, Mr Gordon Brown. We are delighted that he has been able to take time out from the G8 conference down the road in Apsley Guise.

Thank you Sir David, I am delighted to be here this evening. And if I may say so Sir David that was a most professional opening to the Programme.

Actually Prime Minister, it’s just plain David. The knighthood has not been bestown upon me.

It’s just a matter of time Sir David. See me after the show and bring your wallet.

Ahem. Moving on, I am pleased to welcome from the other side of the house Mr Boris Johnson, ex MP for Henley-in-Arden and now the Mayor of London.

Good evening David, and thanks for having me on the show. Can I just say that, under the rule of Ken Livingstone, the transport infrastructure of our great Capital has been allowed to decay to one where that of New Delhi looks superior. Having been elected I will be striving to turn this around within days and…..

No. What’s that got to do with Poland?

Well lots of Poles use it every day I’m told and I’m sure that the improvements I intend to make will be very welcome to all our Polish friends.

Hmm. Our third panellist this evening is Major General (retired) Sir Humphrey Blenkinsop-Smythe, a local resident and frequent visitor to this establishment. After a distinguished career in HM Forces followed by a successful career in the City Sir Humphrey has now retired. He lists his interests in Who’s Who as gardening, hunting, shooting, fishing and fine wines.

Thank you young Dimplechin. I am delighted to be here, especially with the preponderance of young blonde Mensabs in the audience. I think it’s those Slavic cheekbones that I find so alluring. I remember the time I was out in the Balkans….

Thank you Sir Humphrey. Sitting next to Sir Humphrey is Miss Agata Lipinska. Miss Lipinska has been in the UK for over seven years. She holds degrees from Two Polish universities and a doctorate from the Sorbonne. She runs a successful Advertising company in London.

Good evening David. Would it be possible to move further away from Sir Humphrey?

I think not. The fifth member of our panel is Mr Wayne Slob. Mr Slob left school at the age of 16 with few qualifications and has spent the subsequent four years in an almost constant state of inebriation. His interests include tearing the legs from small animals, watching TV and signing on for state benefits.

They’ve stolen all the jobs mate. Banging on in that nasal twang all the time. It’s destroying our culture mate innit. I mean it shouldn’t happen should it? It’s not right. What are my kids gonna do? I’ve got three of ‘em and none of ‘em ‘ave a future now…

Well that’s nailed his colours to the mast. Our final panellist is Miss Layla Estudiantes. Miss Estudiantes hails from Sao Paulo and has been here in the UK for two years. She is an exotic dancer by profession.

Thank you David. I no understand why people giggle when you tell them my job. It is a good profession. Maybe they no laugh no more when they see I have biggest house in village, no? I here because I know all about poles. I use them every day, except Sundays. I no work Sundays.

Thank you Layla. Nice dress by the way. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome your panel for the evening.

Tumultuous applause and cheers ring out in the packed pub.

Thank you for that warm welcome.

Voice from the audience. No mate you don’t understand. Old Fred there has just bought a round of drinks. It’s the first time in living memory. Mind you he’s only bought them for his new Polish mates.

And there was me thinking that we finally had a good audience. Never mind, let’s proceed to our first question. I’ll take the question from the young man in the second row with the lime green hooded garment on. Your question is sir?

Hallo. My name is Noimmigration and my question for the panel is should all the Poles over here be forcibly repatriated?

Prime Minister?

Well Sir David, it is obvious that this chap is mentally unbalanced. All of our immigrants bring tremendous benefits to our economy. Also they would do well to remember that is was the Labour Government that extended such a warm welcome and since many of them are now entitled to vote here I would say that they have every legal and moral right to remain.

Miss Esudiantes?

Stupid boy. How I do job with no poles. He stupid. All hoodies just ignorant. I no dance for Hoodies. They no tip well. He not old enough to be in pub anyways.

Sir Humphrey?

Well this is a difficult question. Obviously the influx has been sudden. I think we need a selective repatriation. My take on it all would be to keep the fillies and send back the stallions if you know what I mean. Yes, that’s the answer.

Miss Lipinska?

God you’re an old fool Sir Humphrey. Get your hands off my leg. This question is beneath contempt and I shall not dignify it with an answer. Mind you there are a few of the recent arrivals from my homeland that I would send back. Some of their behaviour is giving us all a bad name. At times it is hard to differentiate them from some of the English youths with their swearing and boorish behaviour.

‘Ere listen ‘ere you stuck up Polish biatch. Shut it. Me and the other Waynes don’t want your sort over ‘ere and the sooner you pack your Gucci bags and do a runner the better. I’m wiv the bloke wot asked the question. Get ‘em all out.

Thank you Mr Slob. And finally Boris, what are your thoughts?

They have to stay. They are hard working, well educated and an asset to our society. In any case what would happen to my club if they all left? And can you imagine trying to get served in a wine bar back in my constituency. Heaven forbid. I’m not sure about the Albanians though.

Well that was lively start to the evening. Can I take the next question from the young lady sitting at the bar in the blue dress?

Thank you Mr Dimplechin. I would like to ask the panel what is their favourite place in my country.

What bloody country’s dat den darling? Poland? Course it is. Oh well then I’d say Moscow.

Ignorant little person isn’t he? I have three of them at home to clean my toilets you know. Occasionally I talk to them but it’s so tiresome to have to do so. Obviously my home town of Wroclaw is without doubt the finest city in Poland.

Steady on Miss Lipinska, not all of us Brits are like young Slob there. Some of us are educated and know how to treat a lady. By the way could you just repeat the name of your home city again. It sounded so , well, alluring.

Sod off General. And for the last time take your hand from my leg. I bet you have never been to Poland.

No, but I like the sound of Poznan. Mainly because I can pronounce it.

Boris, your turn.

Thank you David. I think London is twinned with a Polish city. Not sure which one yet being so new in the job but you can safely assume that this is my favourite Place in the whole of Poland.

And you Prime Minister?

Very kind of you Sir David. I’ll have a pint of Pedigree and a large malt chaser.

Very well but will you be answering the question though?

It would be wrong of me to commit to an answer at this point in time. To answer such a potentially vote catching question without the prudent use of extensive prior research would not be in the public interest.

Er, you don’t actually know anywhere in Poland do you?

That is a lie. I am fully familiar with both the country and it’s people.

Well name a city then.

Remember the knighthood young Dimplechin.

Miss Esudiantes. Could you finish that dance and answer the question please?

Yes. Sorry about that but the General is a regular client you know. Anyway I like Warsaw the best. For many years I get many fine dancing clothes from Stadium Market. That and CDs. Oh and Furry Russian hats. It sol cold ere in Winter you see.

At this point there is a huge rumpus in the pub as the big match kicks off. The audience moves into the other bar leaving a bemused Dimplechin looking at camera 2 and making a hasty apology to the viewing public. Sir Humphrey is pleading with Miss Esudiantes to give him a dance on credit. Miss Lipinska sits in the corner talking animatedly into her mobile. Boris looks like nothing untowards has happened. Wayne and the Prime Minister are having a drunken game of arm wrestling.

And from Question Time we bid you a goodnight.

Legal Notice: Any passing resemblance of the characters portrayed here to any person either living or dead is entirely intentional.

Why do I bother?

More to the point, why did Boris the Mop, the PM and David Dimblebelly all bother?

well, well, well..... do i also need my friend Guinness to read that? ;)

Very probably....

i will first try with coke....i mean, Pepsi.... give me some time to put those letters together......
my heart beat increased, is it normal.....?